Breathe for Me (19 page)

“Shh,” the nurse says, rushing over and hugging him, holding him up. He slumps against her, taking her comfort, wrapping his arms around her torso. “It was his time. I need to call your family. Come with me, okay?” She guides him out of the room.

I follow closely behind, but as they turn to the nurse's station, I keep walking, my guilt guiding me right out the front doors.

chapter fourteen

I
T
TAKES
ME
A
long time to get home. My feet are sore—I wore the wrong shoes today, not expecting to walk, and I have a large blister on the back of my right heel.

I don't care.

I killed a man. I made him lose his soul. The hurt and sorrow in me is so encompassing, I can barely see anything beyond my shame. How can I go back to school again? How can I see Dominic, knowing Amos would still be alive right now if it weren't for me? How can I be a part of this city anymore? I'm a ticking time bomb just waiting for another victim.

And yet, a small part of me screams at Amos, too. How could he do this? He knew the danger, at least the part about how I can kill people—Dominic told him about me and my curse. Why would he use me as a form of euthanasia?

He was in pain. His body was being eaten by cancer. If I were him, wouldn't I have wanted to escape that, too? Not if I'd known the ultimate cost would be my soul. Where is Amos's right now?

The sun beats down on me, making sweat dribble down my back. I grow lightheaded, fatigue slowing my limbs, my pace. I turn the corner and head down the block toward my apartment. I pray, with every last bit of energy in me, that if God favors me at all, Sitri will stay away. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. Forever.

Dominic will never forgive me for this. And I can't blame him.

I get inside and strip naked, then toss my clothes onto the floor into a messy pile. My chest aches so painfully, I want to cry to relieve the pressure. But there are no tears, no moisture left in my body. I'm hot and drained and not even sweating anymore.

A cold shower stings my skin but provides a welcome distraction. I scrub every inch of flesh until my entire surface gleams dark pink. Shivering, I get out, towel off and don fresh underclothes, shorts and a tank top.

With a sigh, I sit down on the couch and grab my notebook. I need to write my stanza of the homework poem. I'll go to school tomorrow, hand it to him and tell him good luck with the project and with his life, though it will break every last piece of my heart. I can't let him suffer more because of me.

I grab my notebook and sit in silence for several long minutes, rolling the concept of destiny around in my head, trying to focus. The words form, pour out of me:

I sigh, frustrated with the situation, with my feelings of hopelessness. How could I have been so stupid, to even let myself be seduced by Sitri's words and promises? Yeah, he can
poof
me money and an apartment and take me to these cool places. But the cost is so very, very high—more than I'm willing to pay. I'm not in control of my life.

And Amos paid the price for my curse with his soul, which is now resting in some sort of dark, unattainable place. Sitri's prize.

My phone buzzes. It's a text…from Dominic:
You there?

I wasn't expecting to hear from him. With shaky hands, I fumble several times and have to delete letters but manage to write,
Yes. Everything ok?

Minutes pass.

Finally:
Staying home tmrw. I'll call tmrw night. We need to talk
.

I text,
ok
, and lie back on the couch, remembering the heated glide of Dominic's gloved hands on my bare skin when he massaged me. If only I could bring him comfort right now.

But he's with his family. They need him, and he needs them. I don't fit into that picture. Not anymore.

Life goes on as usual for everyone around me as I make my way through the halls. Hustle and bustle getting to classes, gossip and screeching voices and loud laughing.

I tighten the hoodie around my head, trying not to get sick from overheating. Only for a little while longer—I just need to slip the poem into Dominic's locker, and then I can head home. Even so, guilt twists my stomach. I haven't talked to Samantha; I've ignored her texts. My innocent, breezy promise to tell her my secret died with Amos the minute he kissed my cheek.

I can't let her in. And I can't face her, knowing she'll see right through me. My emotions are running rampant right now, barely suppressed beneath my skin. I know everything I'm feeling is written across my face. She'll ply me with question after question and I'll either spill the truth or leave her hurt and shut out. And neither of those is a satisfactory option for me right now.

I manage to get to Dominic's locker and slide the piece of paper in between the slats. I hear it flutter to the bottom.

The bell rings, and the hallway empties as students make a mad dash to class. I shuffle my way out of the building, careful to avoid teachers and other administrators so I don't get caught cutting.

Once out of range, I take my hoodie off and shake my hair free.

“You have the most gorgeous curls I've ever seen,” a low voice says from right behind me. “But shouldn't you be in class right now, pretending to learn something?”

The words make me shudder. I keep walking forward, not responding. I don't have the time or patience for his games today.

Sitri grabs my upper arm and pulls me to a stop, spinning me to face him. He scours my face, noting the puffy eyes I couldn't cover up. One eyebrow lifts. “Someone's not in a good mood.”

I jerk out of his grasp. “No,
someone
is not. Just leave me alone.” I turn back around and continue walking toward home.

He slides into place beside me. “I'm going to let that go because I can tell you're having a bad day. But you shouldn't forget—”

“Forget what?” I let all of my anger and frustration pour into my voice. What can he possibly do to me that could hurt any worse than what I'm suffering right now? “Forget how powerful and almighty you are? Forget how much I'm supposed to grovel and bow to your mastery? You're pathetic.”

He grips my jaw. I freeze in place, eyes locked on his pupils that are black and round they take up all the whites of his eyes. The frightening sight makes my heart stop in my chest.

“I could crush your skull right now.” He pauses, a sly smile creasing his face. “Or better yet, your little
boyfriend's
. I bet he's not as strong as he looks.”

I can't move. Can't breathe. He's figured out how important Dominic is to me.

He lets me go, scoffing. “Who's pathetic now?”

I rub my jaw, a flash of fear dancing with my anger.

“Isabel,” he says with a heavy sigh. He moves closer but doesn't touch me. “I don't want to hurt you. But you have to stop making me angry, stop blaming me for this. Fighting isn't going to get us anywhere. We have a long, long time together.”

“How very sensible of you,” I murmur, forcing my voice to remain even.

“We're not like
them
,” he whispers. “I know you have this little…let's say, crush. But it can't go anywhere. You're only going to hurt him in the end.”

Tears sting my eyes. I swipe at them. I've already hurt Dominic. I'm sure by now Sitri's realized I killed Amos, and he'll rub salt in that wound, too. Gloat over how happy he is that I gave him another soul, made his job just a little bit easier. I turn and continue down the sidewalk, refusing to look at Sitri. I know he's there; he's going to follow me anyway.

Sure enough, he sidles up to my right. “There's an old saying,” he continues. “Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.”

“Is that your philosophy?”

He gives a dark chuckle. “It's not just a philosophy. It's a fact. And I'll be honest—I've been far more cruel in my time than I've been kind.” He tugs at my sleeve, stops me in my tracks. “But I'm being kind to you right now, giving you this advice.”

I don't want to look at his face. I train my eyes off to the side because I can hear an odd sort of sincerity in his voice. He really has no idea how terrible he is. He really believes he's helping me. The delusion makes me ill. I can't believe part of me ever felt tender toward him, felt pity for his loneliness.

“This boy, he's not like us.” Sitri edges closer. “What's going to happen? You'll fall for him, he'll fall for you. You stay together in this odd little relationship where you two can't touch each other, where you remain ageless. But after a couple of decades
he
starts to find grey hair, wrinkles. Then after a couple more, his back hunches over. He gets slower, slower, his pace down to a crawl, until he can't move at all and is utterly dependent on you. Assuming, of course, you don't accidentally burn him before then. Or kill him.”

I want to shut out his words. I don't want to hear the truth right now. But I know he's right.

“Break it off with him,” Sitri says, a sudden heat in his voice drawing my attention to his face. His eyes are wide, glowing bright red now with the passion of his sentiment, his lips pinched. “You never know what can happen to humans. To
him
. Do you want to be responsible for that?”

The threat is there; I hear it now. I have to let Dominic go, or Sitri will hurt him. Mess with him. Or worse—kill him.

The sour coil in my stomach is back, and I swallow down the rise of bile in my throat. If Sitri isn't the one to hurt Dominic, it will most certainly be me. I can't forget the way his face looked when he touched my bare skin and burned his finger—the horror and shock and pain. And I caused that.

Of course, this is assuming he'll ever want to see me again. After all, Amos is dead, and that's my fault too. All this pain, because of me.

I can't say anything, nodding shortly. What is there left to say? In the end, he's right. Maybe I was fooling myself to think we could make a real relationship work. Dominic could never forgive me for taking away the possibility of more time with Amos. And I don't blame him because I'll never forgive myself.

He missed his goodbye, the one he should have had.

Sitri's eyes fade back to their usual cold grey, and the anger falls away from his face. He strokes my arm, sending shivers across my body. “Good girl.”

With that, he disappears.

I continue my walk home, my heart a heavy stone. My path is clear—I have to break all contact with Dominic.

“Where the hell have you been?” Samantha says, her anger and aggravation ringing through the phone.

I wince. I don't know why I picked up my cell—probably because she's been calling me every half hour, leaving message upon message begging for me to answer, to call her back.

“I'm sorry,” I say. “I've been dealing with some bad stuff.”

“What is going on with you lately? You don't answer my calls. You're not in school. You're falling off the face of the earth and shutting me out and I don't know why.” She sniffles, her voice cracking.

“I…” I stall off, unsure of what to say. No way can I tell her the truth. I told Dominic, and he told Amos, who used me to kill himself. Samantha shouldn't have to shoulder the burden of my secret. “Just having a hard time right now.”

She sighs. “So, that's it? That's all you're going to tell me?”

I get up, walk toward the patio and fling open the doors. It's night, and the city's starting to come alive again. People have finished eating dinner and are emerging into the streets. The old guy with a violin who usually plays the corner starts warming up. The sweet strains offer me no comfort.