Breathe (5 page)

When Jace didn't answer, Anna turned away from his frown, her heart sinking. She should have expected his reaction after all. All their lives, Jace and Alex had enjoyed the singles' scene. They were both somewhat legendary at it, in fact. Alex had only changed with the arrival of Melissa in his life. Alex was different with his niece and nephew, especially now that he and Melissa were expecting one of their own.

She settled the baby in a type of high chair she'd brought in from the car, clicking the restraints and sliding the plastic tray into place. Jace was still that man. He liked being unencumbered. She'd known it all along. He'd been very clear about his desire to remain childless back in the days when the three of them had been inseparable. She pressed a hand to her tummy. Crystal clear. It drove home the fact that as much of a refuge Two Willows provided, it was temporary. She would have to use it as a stepping stone to a brand new life for herself. It bought her time, and a reprieve to regroup. She must remember that. In some ways, nothing had changed.

She sat Matteo up at the table and gave him a slice of bread without the mushrooms on the top. She took another and broke it into little pieces, placing them on the high chair tray. Aurelia grabbed one in her fist and shoved it into her mouth. Crumbs fluttered to the floor, obvious against the dark gray of the ceramic tile. When she turned around, Jace was holding out her glass of wine, his jaw set.

“Are you quite ready?”

Anna saw the dark glint in his eyes and knew he was displeased. He'd already said he wasn't a child person. Of course he wouldn't be used to the day-to-day messes of babies. But he was making an effort. It had taken her some time to get used to it too. She met his gaze and felt her heart catch.

“I know it's more chaotic than you are used to.”

“It's usually just me.”

If only things could have been different. If only he hadn't been so stubborn, maybe they could have done things differently. Better. Back then, she'd have gone to the moon for him if he'd asked. But he hadn't wanted marriage and she had. He hadn't wanted children and she had. And to wish things differently would be to wish him to be different, and somehow, despite it all, she didn't want him changed.

“Thank you for the wine.” Their fingers brushed again as she took the glass from his hand and a jolt skimmed down her arm into her stomach. No, she didn't want him changed at all.

“You're welcome.”

He had been her ideal, and in his absence she'd settled for less than she deserved. She'd feel guilty about that for the rest of her life.

She broke the moment and went to the stove to put a scoop of risotto on a plate for Matteo and another in a bowl for her to feed to Aurelia, minus the spicy sausage. Guilt, yes, but not regret. If she hadn't married Stefano, she wouldn't have Matteo and Aurelia. And she'd never regret them. They were her one blessing. Her only remorse was that she'd taken too long to realize what perfect treasures they were. When she looked at them she saw herself and Alex and knew she could never do what their mother had done. They would never feel neglected, unloved or in the way. She would always put them first.

As she settled the children she caught the look on Jace's face. His expression was blank, like he wasn't sure what to do. He clutched a dishtowel in his hand as though awaiting disaster. Anna nearly laughed. She smiled at him. “They don't bite, Jace.” Then as an afterthought she glanced at Matteo. “Much.”

“Is it always this crazy?”

She bit back the irritation that simmered. Surely he didn't expect children to act like china dolls, without flaws. Jace had been a holy terror as a boy. His mother had thrown up her hands more than once and the Morelli housekeeper had once shooed him out of the house with a broom. “This is nothing. But once I know where to find things, it'll be smoother. I promise.”

She put a cup of water by Matteo's plate, cautioning him to be careful. Everything was glass and breakable. She'd have to see about getting some plastic dishes so that he didn't break any of Jace's. If she'd learned anything at all, it was that accidents happened.

The look on Jace's face grew darker. She knew this was completely out of his element, but he didn't need to stand there like some disapproving saint. She straightened her shoulders. Living alone for so long had made him too rigid. Maybe he needed to have his life shaken up a bit.

She pulled a chair closer to Aurelia's and began spooning little bits of the rice mixture into the baby's mouth.

“Aren't you going to eat?”

He still hadn't moved from his spot beside the counter. Without looking at him, she fed Aurelia, mimicking opening her mouth and closing it without thinking. “I'll eat once Aurelia's through and happy. Don't wait for me.”

His feet moved and she heard him getting his own plate, then pausing by the stovetop. “I could wait. We could feed the children and then eat together.”

Anna concentrated on scooping up rice on the spoon, toying with the grains as Aurelia fisted another piece of bread to her mouth. The invitation had been clear. It was an intriguing thought. Dinner with Jace. Perhaps after the children were in bed, when dusk was settling in and the day was winding down. The two of them, perhaps some candlelight and the rest of the bottle of wine. Peace and quiet and…

Resolutely, she stuck out the spoon. That was impossible. It suggested romance, and Anna was not interested in that, not by a long shot. Nor was Jace. He liked things fast and loose with no commitments, no baggage. He'd always preferred it that way. And she was a single mother. She had so much baggage at this point she didn't know what to do with it all.

He'd let her stay here as the gesture of a friend, nothing more. And she knew she'd never be the woman he wanted. Especially now. Stefano had taken a few things with him when he'd died. One of them being her pride. She was working on getting that back. But after Jace, and then Stefano, Anna was not interested in love again. It hurt too much. It hurt to have expectations of people only to have them let you down.

And she'd made a promise to herself and to her children. They would come first. They would feel wanted and loved and like they belonged. She spooned more rice into Aurelia's waiting mouth.

“I don't believe in feeding the children and getting them out of the way,” she replied coldly, scraping the bottom of the bowl and building the risotto into a mound. “Maybe I serve myself last, but families sit down together. Matteo, Aurelia and me…we're a family.”

Wordlessly, Jace finished filling his plate and took a seat at the head of the table. She realized belatedly that she'd just insulted him. She had deliberately excluded him when he was generous enough to offer them all a place to stay. He couldn't see that she was trying to make everything up to her babies. She'd trusted where she shouldn't have and now they were paying the price. She had to make the right choices. For once.

“I'm sorry, Jace, that was rude of me.”

He looked up from his dinner, his eyes dark with what she'd swear was condemnation mixed with acceptance. “Don't worry about it. I'm used to living alone.”

She pushed aside Aurelia's bowl and looked at Matteo. He was eating, but the way he held his head let her know he was also listening closely. “It's an adjustment you are making for us, and we appreciate it. I know we'll all try to respect your boundaries.”

She got up and finally fixed herself a plate, though she suddenly didn't feel like eating.

This was not a family. It was a mess. She swallowed and again set her lips. But it would be a family. She'd make sure of it. It would take time. That was all.

A crash echoed through the kitchen. Jace cursed sharply and Aurelia started crying.

Anna put down her plate with a sigh and went to Matteo, who was sitting in his chair staring at the floor where water and glass mixed on the tile.

“Are you hurt?”

Jace had pushed out his chair. “He did that on purpose.”

Anna sighed again. One child was enough. “Matteo. Please apologize to Jace.” She said it firmly, feeling suddenly exhausted. Would she never get any relief?

“It was an accident, Mama,” Matteo protested, but she raised an eyebrow at him.

“And I told you, you needed to be careful. What do you say?”

His little lips were set in a mutinous line. “Sorry,” he mumbled at Jace. Anna looked at the latter and prayed he'd just leave it for now. Thankfully, he settled back in his chair as Anna took over. She ignored the squalls from Aurelia, setting her teeth as she attended to Matteo. She picked up the large pieces of glass, laying them gently in her palm and then taking them to the sink. When she returned, she caught Matteo looking somewhat triumphant as he glared at Jace. The look Jace was returning was anything but kind, and she couldn't help but think they'd both met their match. Sometimes Matteo's stubbornness reminded her of Jace when he'd been a boy, but this time the idea didn't bring a smile. The last thing she needed was for everyone to be at odds.

And still Aurelia cried.

She sent Matteo off to his bedroom, and her annoyance grew as Jace just sat there while the baby's squeals pierced their ears. Couldn't he just go pick her up or something, or offer to clean up the mess? Instead she got the feeling he was staring at the top of her head thinking about how he knew this was a bad idea.

Children were children, and perhaps Jace needed to be reminded. After all, he had been one. And he'd been a handful. Papa had always said so.

With a cotton towel laid over the remainder of the mess, Anna pushed her hair off her face and went to get Aurelia.

“Shhh,
cara
.” She snuggled the girl against her shoulder and the tears stopped at once. “Mama's here. It's okay.”

She sighed. Today she could definitely use a second set of hands. Matteo needed a talking to about attitude and Aurelia was distressed and clinging to her neck. There was glass and water on the floor and a table full of dirty dishes. Anna closed her eyes. She didn't want to inconvenience Jace any more than she already had. And in truth she'd thought they'd have privacy in a guesthouse and be completely out of his way. She wanted to do it all before he had a chance to. She needed to prove to him she was capable of handling everything.

“Leave the kitchen. I'll clean it up. I just need to get the children settled first.”

“Never mind, Anna.”

He refused to turn and look at her. Instead, he stood at the sink and looked out over the hill behind the house. A wave of what felt like failure swept over her. She felt like she'd let him down. Let herself down. Their first night here and all it had demonstrated was that her life was out of control.

Feeling like a failure was getting to be way too familiar.

“Please. I'm the one who caused this, let me fix it.”

The words tumbled out. She did consider herself responsible and she was trying to fix things. And she kept feeling pressure to do it now, when she was really doing the very best she could. Like keeping it together was somehow expected of her. She'd always been the steady one. The one to make logical decisions rather than ones based on her heart. Not even Jace understood how much her heart had been broken back then. They thought her simply strong.

They were wrong.

“What do you need from me?” He remained staring out the window, but she heard the softening of his voice and knew he meant more than at just this moment in time.

She blinked, smelling the baby-powder scent of Aurelia mixed with the aroma of dinner.

“Understanding.”

She said it softly. It settled through the kitchen like a prayer.

“Patience.”

His fingers tightened on the counter's edge. She knew that request would be harder for him.

“And time. Just give me time, Jace, to make everything right.”

Her neck was damp with the moisture of Aurelia's breath as Jace turned back to her. Her heart thumped heavily. What she was asking wasn't easy, or uncomplicated. Not for them. They both knew it. And yet the bond they'd forged years before held them together. And she knew he'd give her what she asked.

He came up to her, so that she had to tilt her chin to look up into his eyes, the color of rich espresso. For a shining moment, she remembered what it had been like for him to touch her. When being this close to him meant he was about to kiss her. And how his kisses had made her body sing. The memory exhilarated and frightened her.

His hand came to rest upon her cheek for a moment, and his gaze changed. Then it was gone, along with his touch as he left the room.

Chapter Four

Jace came out of the bottling shed, intending on going up to the house and sharing a cup of coffee with Anna. Instead he saw her outside, already putting the children in their car seats. A shapely backside stuck out of the rear door and his gaze clung for a moment as the skirt flirted with her slim calves. Everything in his body seemed to tighten as desire for her flared. Anna had always been couture, not a hair out of place. This more casual side of her was like a punch in the gut. Last night, with her hair curling around her temples and her cheeks flushed, she'd been more beautiful than he'd ever remembered.

It had only been a broken glass, a simple accident. But he'd been hard on the boy. He knew it and knew the sting of embarrassment. He'd been annoyed at the mess in his normally pristine kitchen, and each time he looked at Matteo and Aurelia he was reminded of how they could have been his. If only. And now she was leaving.

He'd been too hard on her yesterday too. He took long strides, nearly running to reach her side. He should have done things differently years ago. He'd tried for a long time to forget about his responsibility in how things had turned out. But he couldn't any more. Not now that she was here, with her children. Hiding from the world. A widow, for God's sake, who couldn't even bear to be in the family home. He bore more of the responsibility than he was comfortable with.