Breathe (19 page)

The bag dropped to the floor and he tried to ignore the sharp stabs of guilt as her eyes filled with tears.

“That is the cruelest thing you have ever said to me.” Her voice was little more than a whisper.

“It's the truth.” He was unrelenting, but if he didn't say it now, when could he? Tomorrow she'd be leaving him for good. “And if you're leaving anyway, maybe it's time for a little truth. The truth is you made a mistake in marrying Stefano. You didn't wait before writing me off. You never felt the need to tell me about our baby, you just let me assume what had happened. You knew who I was, what I was, and made sure you married someone completely opposite. And when it all fell apart, you came to me anyway. Because you knew I could not say no to you.”

“That makes me sound horrible, like some opportunist. That's not how it was.” Her words were choked with tears.

But Jace had held things in for years as well, and he'd somehow hoped that she would change her mind about leaving. Instead she was already packed and he could still smell the memory of her scent, still feel her touch, even when she wasn't present. And he was hurt, dammit.

“It's exactly how it was. You laid the truth on me, and you made love with me, and then you tossed me aside. And you call me cruel,” he scoffed.

“Jace, please.” It was a begging whisper.

But there was no stopping him now. “You let me care. You let me hope. You brought your children into my life and now you are leaving it again.”

“You don't even like children.”

“How do you know, Anna? Have you ever asked what I wanted? Or has it always been about you?”

Her eyes widened and he thought for a moment he'd gotten through to her.

“You said so, that day by the stream when I told you I was pregnant.”

“That was years ago!”

He clenched his fingers into tight balls. She understood nothing. He had told her he'd come back to marry her and still she couldn't move past the one reaction he'd had at the news. It was over, he realized. He had offered her all he could think to give, and she had turned it away. She would always judge him by that moment.

He was suddenly so very, very tired. Like a decade's worth of fatigue had caught up with him and left him reeling. He thought briefly of Matteo's brown eyes begging for a boat ride and Aurelia's chubby arms reaching out as she said “Up.” And he exhaled slowly, knowing it was all slipping away from him, only to be replaced by the knowledge that he'd failed, yet again, even more spectacularly than the first time.

“Just go,” he murmured, pushing past her and back out into the yard before she could see exactly what she'd done to him.

Anna covered her mouth with her hands and let the tears come.

Jace had been her rock, her safe place. She'd told herself for many years that it wasn't meant to be, and she'd tried not to hate him for leaving her. She'd put it aside for the sake of friendship. It was a shock to realize he held so many of his own resentments. She blamed herself for so much already. But knowing she'd let him down, seeing the pain and hatred on his face, it weighed far heavier than anything she'd come up against so far.

She went out to the deck, wiping her eyes, but still the tears came, hot and fast. Her knees shook and she sat on one of the deck chairs. She had no idea he thought so little of her.

He was her champion, but now she was realizing she hadn't lived up to earning him.

He was right. She hadn't waited, and she'd regretted it since. But she'd justified it by telling herself over and over that if only he hadn't gone with Alex…that he had driven her to it. This summer she had let him close, they had talked about the baby and grieved together, and she'd been a willing participant in their night together. She'd brought her children here, and it was clear to anyone who bothered to look that Matteo and Aurelia adored him. And she'd told herself he didn't like children based on their first few days at Two Willows, rather than all the times he had doted on them.

She had seen what she wanted to.

And she had hurt him.

Her heart ached knowing it. And yet, he still thought that the way to her heart was to buy his way in. The reason he'd gone in the first place was because he'd said he couldn't give her the life she deserved. And now he said he could, but she didn't want material riches. In the end they were just things. He mentioned the car and the children but not once had he said he loved her. Not once had it come down to that one common denominator; what was in their hearts. She had laid hers on the line for him once before. She inhaled and squared her shoulders. Was it so unreasonable that she was afraid to do it again?

All she wanted, the only security she craved, was knowing she was loved by him, that he would stand beside her no matter what. And his last words to her were, “Just go”.

Congratulations, Anna, she told herself. She'd done the exact opposite of what she'd set out to do.

She'd lost her champion after all.

Chapter Eleven

Jace stalked down the path towards the river, away from the house, away from her. Despite his last words, he didn't want to give up. He didn't know how to give up, yet he had no idea what to do next. He'd tried in every way he knew to show her he loved her. That he was willing to accept her and the children as his own.

He halted, closed his eyes briefly, and sighed. Maybe, just maybe, it wasn't up to him. Maybe he needed to wait, give her time to be ready. Maybe she had to see it for herself.

Trouble was, he wasn't good at waiting. And they'd already waited far too long, in his opinion.

Some of his irritation was ebbing away by the time he reached the grove of trees by the curve in the river. From here he could see the slope of the vines to the south and up to the poplars and firs hugging the shore by his dock. No one was more surprised than he was that he'd become attached to this place. He'd always considered the coast, the hills looking over the Pacific his home. But there was something here he could not deny. And he knew Anna was a large part of it. The guesthouse was done and it was beautiful, he was sure. Everything she did had that sense of flair about it, without being ostentatious. Somehow in the few weeks she'd been here, little things had cropped up…the baskets of flowers hanging from the verandah, a picture on his wall. A pair of shoes left by the door, a toy on the sofa. What Two Willows had been missing was a family. And if they left, it would be all wrong again.

It was his own fault that he'd let his guard down and let her in. And not just her. The wide-eyed wonder of Matteo and the impishness of Aurelia and her cap of soft curls. He didn't want any of them to go. Why couldn't she see this was a second chance for them? He didn't care that the children weren't his. It didn't stop him from loving them. And there was still time for him and Anna to have their own. His heart stopped briefly. What if she were already pregnant? Everything within him seemed to swell, imagining her soft body rounded with the growth of their baby inside her.

He couldn't be done fighting for her yet. There had to be some way to convince her, and he'd find it.

He ran a hand through his hair, and a movement by the dock caught his eye.

Matteo.

The boy was walking carefully along the dock, and Jace watched him with a smile. So precocious, so curious, so completely boy. With all the commotion of the past few days, Jace hadn't been able to take him out in the boat one last time as he'd promised. Matteo made his way to the end of the dock where the boat was tied, and sat, throwing stones from his hand one by one into the water and watching the ripples. He was such a good child. Yes, they'd matched wits in the beginning, but Jace couldn't fault him for wanting to protect his mother, or for seeking attention considering all that had happened. He was smart and he was curious and Jace enjoyed being with him.

Jace started forward…maybe now they could take a short trip up the river. It wasn't much, but Jace did like to think his promises meant something. He'd do this for the boy, and then he'd go back up to the house and try again.

As he started forward, Matteo moved down the dock. Jace hurried his steps. Being on the dock alone wasn't safe. And when Matteo walked over to the side, where the rope for the boat was anchored, Jace's pulse quickened. He should have seen to the ride before now. He should have made good on his promise and taken the time.

“Matteo! Wait!” He called out just as Matteo reached for the rope. Matteo's dark head lifted mid-reach, and he missed the rope. For the briefest moment Jace saw the panic in his eyes as there was nothing for him to grab. Then he toppled into the water.

Jace let out a shout and broke into a run, but already Matteo's head was under the water. His heart pounded—adrenaline and fear. Tiny arms splashed but Matteo was only four. He couldn't swim yet, and Jace knew very well that the end of the dock was well over the boy's head. His legs drove him forward like pistons as he raced towards the dock and dove in, shoes and all.

“Matteo?”

Anna's heart tripped when she realized Matteo wasn't upstairs getting his pajamas on like he'd been told. Aurelia was already asleep, clearly exhausted after frolicking in the river and then sated with a full belly of milk and cookies. But Matteo wasn't in his room. Or in the bathroom. Or downstairs in the kitchen.

Anna checked the backyard and then dashed over to the guesthouse as her unease grew. No Matteo. Her throat closed against the panic rising there. How could this have happened? She heard voices in her head, ones from the past. Jace, her father, and even Stefano. Especially Stefano, who had mocked her when she'd told him she was divorcing him and taking the children. He'd told her she was a horrible mother. Chills went down her body. He was right. Oh my God, she couldn't find Matteo. She should have known by his attitude that he needed close watching, and instead she'd been only thinking of herself. She jogged back to the house, calling his name.

Then it hit her, and her blood ran cold.

The boat. He'd talked several times today about going in the boat before they left.

“Matteo! Answer Mama!”

She fought back the panic that struggled to overwhelm her, and turned towards the river and the dock. Her boy. Nothing could happen to him. It was impossible. First their baby, and then Stefano…not Matteo too. Anna struggled to take longer breaths. She would find him. He would be fine.

And then she saw them.

Jace coming over the knoll and Matteo in his arms. Anna's heart clubbed painfully. The dark head was against Jace's chest, the tiny arms around his neck, and Jace was dripping, his white shirt nearly transparent and clinging to the hard planes of his body. His lips were set in a grim line, and for one fleeting instant Anna was sure her heart had been ripped clear out of her chest.

And then she heard the muffled sobs, and her relief was so great it nearly dropped her to her knees. Tears rolled down her cheeks as the pieces of the puzzle came together.

The water had taken much from her, and could have again, but for Jace. He was the one she kept coming back to and she knew why. She loved him. She could count on him, always. He was not Stefano. He wasn't weak, in body or spirit. He was Jace. Her rock. The piece that was missing. And he had saved her son. Not his son. Her son.

She ran forward to meet them, her breath hitching at the sight of the two of them. Jace stopped long enough for her to put her hands on Matteo's cheeks—they were cold—and kiss him.

“He's chilled, but fine. Let's get him inside and dried off.”

She nodded dumbly, leaping forward and opening the front door. Jace paused long enough to step out of his ruined shoes and then padded upstairs to Matteo's bedroom.

Matteo was crying quietly, and when Jace put him down he did so gently, kneeling before him. Anna got a towel and Jace wrapped it around Matteo, then pulled him close again into a hug.

“Your mama will look after you.”

There was an audible sniff, and Anna saw the arms tighten on Jace's neck. It was too late. Her little boy had already come to love Jace as much as she did.

“
Ti amo
, Jace.” The little voice was muffled against the side of Jace's neck but they both heard the words in the language he used when he was afraid. Tears stung her eyes. At times it had been a hard-fought battle between them. But how could she blame Matteo, when she herself loved Jace so completely, despite their mistakes?

“And I love you, Matteo. I'll come back, okay? I need to change my clothes too. I didn't expect to be swimming.”

“I'm sorry.” Matteo leaned back and looked Jace square in the face. Anna let it unfold. Somehow she knew she had to. They had their own peace to make.

“It wasn't your fault. It was mine. And we'll talk about it later. Right now we both just need to get dry.”

“You don't hate me? I am always in the way.”

Anna knew Jace had to be grossly uncomfortable in his wet, clinging clothes, but he put it all aside to talk to her son. He took the childish plea seriously. He would be a good father. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps they had all changed. He was already far more tolerant than Stefano had ever been.

Jace leaned over and kissed Matteo's damp head. “I could never hate you, son. You could never do anything that would make me hate you. Remember that.”

He stood and met Anna's eyes as the word son vibrated between them. In that moment Anna knew he meant every word. Nothing he could have said would have validated him more in her eyes. He could say all he wanted to her, but she knew he would not lie to her children. He would have expectations but be fair. He would be firm but loving. And now her bags were packed and in the car waiting.

“I need to change,” he said quietly and left the room.

Anna turned her attention to Matteo. “Oh, darling. Look at you. Mama was so worried.”