Breaking Shaun (11 page)

“Does
he
know you guys are just friends?” Nick asked.

Asia rinsed my ankle with water before applying some soap.

“Yes, Nick,” I deadpanned.

Asia and Nick exchanged another glance.

“Okay, what? Why do you guys keep looking at each other like that?”

“It’s just surprising, that’s all. Shaun is usually against being friends with women, unless he’s not attracted to them, or he looks at them like a sister. We all know he doesn’t look at you like that, yet here you are, saying you’re friends,” Asia explained before taking the cap off her disposable razor and bringing it toward my leg.

I automatically jerked my ankle back before she could touch it.

Her eyes moved back to mine as she grinned. “It’s new, I promise.”

I let out a nervous laugh before slowly putting my foot back down and squeezing my eyes shut.

“Okay, all done.”

Peeking my eyes open, Asia stood up and started collecting her supplies off the deck floor as I looked down at my ankle. It was bright pink where the sting was, but it already felt much better.

“Thanks,” I said as I helped her pick up her things.

“No problem.”

I couldn’t get out of that house fast enough. The last thing I wanted was to answer questions about Natalie and me. Everyone knew I didn’t have female friends, and it was only a matter of time before they would want me to explain why I’d suddenly changed my mind.
Shit, I don’t even know why I’d changed my mind.
I just knew Natalie was easy to be around, and for some reason, I’d thrown all my rules out the window for her.

I normally refused to be friends with women I was attracted to because once we fucked, things would get complicated. The only female who had ever survived that was Hailey. That was because we had both been young when we were together, and we’d both known we weren’t right for each other. Sure, it had been awkward to be around her at first, but we’d both matured. Plus, Asia sure as hell wasn’t going to choose between us, so we’d made it work. Now, I didn’t even think about the fact that I’d been in Hailey’s pants. She was more like a sister to me.

The only problem now was there was no way in hell I’d be able to look at Natalie like a sister. I was fucked. I’d have to just try to ride this friend thing out. Maybe after a while, her appeal would wear off, and I’d be fine just being her friend. Women eventually showed their true colors anyway, so I was sure some major flaw of hers would appear and make me lose interest. There was always something.

Pulling up to my apartment building, I parked my Jetta and made my way inside.

After unlocking the door, I walked in and instantly covered my nose. “Ugh! God!”

I tossed my clothes down on the floor and scanned the room. Pizza boxes and beer cans covered the kitchen counters, take-out boxes were on my coffee table in the living room, and a cup of—

Shit, I have no idea what that is.

Grabbing my trash can, I started picking things up and tossing them in. When I got to my dining room table, the smell got stronger, and I almost started gagging. It smelled so bad.

What the fuck is that?

I stared at the Styrofoam box on my table, wondering if I should even touch it. Pressing my nose into the crook of my elbow, I slowly reached out with my other hand and nudged the box with my finger, almost expecting it to move. I squinted my eyes when the lid lifted a little, and that was when I saw it.

Fuck, it’s fish!

I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d ordered fish. I quickly grabbed the box and threw it into the trash can. I held my breath as I quickly tied the trash bag closed, and I kept it at arm’s length as I made my way out to the dumpster by my building.

I guessed there was another good reason not to bring women home. If they got one look at my place, they’d probably leave me and my dick as fast as they could.

Sighing, I ran my hands through my wet hair.

I guess I’d better fuckin’ clean.

Apparently, this day was full of firsts.

After leaving Asia and Marcus’s house, Nick and I headed back to his apartment. He took a shower, getting ready to head out to have lunch with Luke. He said they would be having dinner and watching a movie at the apartment later if I wanted to join them. I planned on job-hunting around four before the bars started getting busy, so I told him I’d grab my own dinner but try to make the movie. The last thing I wanted was to feel like the third wheel even if Nick insisted that I wouldn’t be.

Making my way to my room, I decided to start unpacking. I wouldn’t take out too much. I’d unpack just enough to get me through the next month or so since I wanted to get my own place soon.

As I organized my clothes and put them into drawers, I thought about my morning with Shaun. I hadn’t had that much fun since…well, I honestly couldn’t remember when. It had been nice to just hang out with a guy as a friend. I’d let go a little, and it felt good.

When I reached into my suitcase, I found the shoebox where I kept all my keepsakes. Happy memories from my entire life all fit into that one small box. Sitting on the end of my bed, I flipped it open and started thumbing through the contents. There were movie tickets, postcards from the different states my mom, sister, and I had driven through, and all my favorite pictures I’d taken. When I saw a photo of Lili and me, I held it up in the light. It was a picture of us in Santa Cruz when I was fifteen and she was eleven.

Those years had definitely been the hardest of my life. Just a few months after that photo had been taken, I’d decided to let go and have fun for the first time. That decision had changed my life, and for better or worse, it had undoubtedly changed me.

I’d gotten drunk with a few girls I knew from school. We had gone to a party, and although I’d felt out of place and nervous, I’d quickly forgotten why after a few shots and some beers. I’d forgotten everything I learned, like not going off alone with a guy I didn’t know or not accepting drinks from strangers. All those defenses I’d had around me since I was a small child had melted away under the burn of the alcohol and the promise of a normal teenage experience.

He had blue eyes, and his hands were clammy. His breath smelled like cheap vodka and cigarettes.

I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn’t. It was a lot like those nightmares when I’m being chased, but my body wouldn’t move, or my eyes wouldn’t focus. For those few minutes, I was conscious and terrified, but soon, it all just went away and turned to black.

When I woke up the next morning, I was alone in a room I didn’t recognize. My shirt was off, and my jeans were around my ankles. Dried blood was on the inside of my thighs, and I was sore. On that unfamiliar bed, I sat there in shock, and I felt my old self slowly dying. I’d lost my innocence, and I hadn’t even been present when it happened.

It’s probably better that way.

Rushing to the nearest bathroom, I frantically rinsed the blood from my legs with wet toilet paper. I watched as it slowly crumbled and fell apart in my hands, but I just kept scrubbing. I couldn’t even cry. It was my fault. I’d been dumb enough to trust a boy I didn’t know. I’d given away my control.

It was just the lesson I needed—a reminder of why I should hold on so tight and never let go.

I’d learned from my mistakes though, and I wouldn’t bury myself in them. So, I’d moved on and acted like that night never happened. I hadn’t told anyone, and no one had asked. My mom and Lili hadn’t even seemed to notice the change even though I’d felt like a different person completely. An ugly ball of anger had settled itself inside me, and I’d developed an explosive temper. My mother had just attributed my mood swings to teenage hormones, and my sister had been too young to understand.

After that, sex had become my escape, my weapon. It had been my way of releasing all the stress and pressure life put on me. Much like a cocktail after a hard day’s work or eating a fudge sundae after following a strict diet, I’d known it was bad for me, but I’d earned it. That one little moment of release and pleasure to reward myself had been worth it even if I knew I would regret it and guilt would soon follow.

I’d become pretty promiscuous after that night. As much as I’d hated the idea of being used by men, I’d enjoyed the idea of using them. And I had. I’d used them to make me feel wanted, I’d used them to make me feel special, and I’d used them to get off. It had almost become a sport for me. What man could I get? And how easily could I get him? At first, I’d convinced myself that I was fighting back. Men weren’t the only ones who could use sex as a weapon. I would fuck someone, and just as quickly, I’d pretend he meant nothing to me. Honestly, most of them hadn’t meant anything because I meant nothing to myself.

Now, at twenty-five, I realized I had been hurting myself more than anyone else. I’d slowed down, but I still craved that power and insisted on being intimate only with men I knew I could easily walk away from. It wasn’t so much that I agreed with my decisions—I knew they had been wrong—but being in control was the only survival instinct I had.

So, now that I thought about it, the photo I held in my hands was the last one taken of the person I used to be. Straightening my back, I took a deep breath and placed that picture back in the shoebox where it belonged with the rest of my past.

As I closed the lid, I peered down at the pink mark on my ankle.
I guess I was lucky to get away with only a small sting
. I smiled as I pictured Shaun laughing on the beach after I’d run out of the water. Keeping that man in the friend zone was going to be a challenge for sure. I just hoped I was up for it.