Breaking Bedrock (Book Two) (17 page)

Patrick paced the hospital halls as he waited for an
answer as to what was going on. Michele hadn’t regained consciousness that he’d
seen, and they were running a battery of tests, trying to figure out what was
going on. He still hadn’t been able to get ahold of Addison. Despite everything
that had happened, he was pretty glad his parents had shown up when they did.

It seemed like hours before a nurse finally came out to get him,
ushering him into the tiny room where Michele was. She looked different, lying
there in a hospital gown, hooked up to so many monitors—definitely, not like
the strong woman he was used to seeing.

Suddenly, an older tallish man in a while coat appeared from behind
a curtain, startling him. “Are you next of kin, sir?” he questioned.

“I’m . . . I’m, um, the baby’s father.”

The man glanced at the chart and nodded.

“I’m Dr. Patel.” He thrust his hand in Patrick’s direction,
catching him off guard.

“Patrick Greyer.”

“Mr. Greyer, we’re running some tests and haven’t found anything
conclusive as to why Ms. Raines passed out. She needed a dozen or so stitches,
but so far, but her scans are clear, and her labs look pretty promising. Right
now, my suspicion is that this is mostly pregnancy-related. Dizziness and even
fainting is sometimes caused due to the elevation in hormones. The urinalysis
shows she’s dehydrated, so I’ve ordered fluids to help with that. It’s possible
that the dehydration alone was enough to cause this episode, but I want to run
a few more tests to rule anything else out. Can you tell me . . . Has she been
under a lot of stress recently? How about her eating habits? Is she eating okay?
Any morning sickness?”

Patrick twirled the ring on his left hand, the way he always did
when he was nervous. “Um, no, not that I know of. I mean she mentioned being a
little sick, but I think she’s eating okay,” he replied, running his hand
through his hair as he stared at the monitor, silently wondering what all of
the various numbers meant. “And the baby? How’s the baby?”

“The baby looks great. Everything looks normal at this stage in
the game.”

Patrick breathed a small sigh of relief.  “Is she going to be okay?”

“After we get some fluids in her, I think she’ll perk up just
fine. She requested something for pain down in CT, and once everything looked
clear, I gave the go-ahead for a small dose of morphine, which is likely why
she’s out right now. She’s going to need to take it easy for the next several
days. I suspect after the fall she took that she may have a concussion. By the
way, I need to get the name and number of her obstetrician in order to request
her medical records.”

Patrick’s heart sank. “I, um, I don’t know. I guess I can make a
few phone calls and find out,” Patrick replied, suddenly aware of how little he
really did know about what was going on with Michele.

The doctor nodded and continued watching the monitors, appearing
to jot down notes.

Patrick sunk further in the chair.

“Check the phone.” The man said as he moved closer to the curtain
and turned to leave.

“Excuse me?”

“The phone. Her cell. Her doctor’s information is probably in
it.”

“Oh, right,” Patrick said, but the man had already disappeared.

William pulled the car off the road near the spot where
they’d agreed they would say their goodbyes and Addie would travel on from with
Carl. He put the car in park and shut off the ignition. They had driven much of
the rest of the way in silence, save for the radio, and Addie had a few things
she wanted to get out. She cleared her throat and swallowed hard and stared out
the window. “I didn’t sleep with him, William. I haven’t slept with him or
anyone in months. I don’t care if you have . . . I mean . . . I know this isn’t
a relationship or anything, but I wanted you to know.”

William nodded and laid his head back on the seat eyes closed.
“Why did you agree to go away with him, Addison? Before any of this ever
happened with the dog, you’d already made plans. I’m sure you know what that
looked like—how it made me feel. My question is why?”

Addie shifted and turned towards him. “Because I’m scared. My
marriage is over, and I hated to see it ending on such a bad note after
everything, especially after having three kids together. But mostly, it’s
because I’m scared to let myself love you the way I want to.” She drew in a
deep breath, let it out, and continued. “I know about your past and why you are
the way you are, but the truth is that you know very little about mine. We all
have pasts, William, and those pasts shape us into who we are. I’m not ready to
share all of mine with you, but let’s just say that I learned not to show my
feelings. I learned that if I wanted to survive I had to make myself as small
as possible and avoid feeling anything. But . . . before I was old enough to
figure it all out for myself—if I was sad or happy, depending on what was going
on that day—I figured out that I’d better damned sure not show it. If I did, I
didn’t eat. I was sent to my room to be alone because no one cared enough to
just let me be. People leave, William. They die or they leave. That’s what they
always told me.” Addie paused and shifted. “I’ve never shared this with anyone
besides Jessica, and even Patrick only knows bits and pieces because it’s just
too painful, but there’s this huge part of me that no one really knows. Maybe
that’s, in part, because I believe that if they did then they’d somehow see me
as less
than
I am.”

William shifted. “I don’t see you that way, Addison. I see a
strong woman, stronger than anyone I know, but I’d like to know more if you’re
willing to share it. I want to know all of you.”

Addie raised her eyebrows slightly. “The thing is I’ve always had
this feeling that I wanted to tell you, that somehow I was
supposed
to
tell
you.
”

“So do, please.”

“All right,” Addie replied, staring out the driver’s side window,
just past his gaze. She paused to exhale before continuing. “When I was younger,
they gave me one of those little potties you use to toilet train your kids with
so there would be absolutely no reason for me to come out of my room. I’d get
thirsty or hungry or maybe just bored, so I’d break the rules. Sometimes I was
forced to stay in my room for days, and if I came out, I was spanked for it.
Yet there were many times I didn’t even care about getting punished because
even though the spankings eventually turned into beatings, they were better
than the loneliness. I guess it was better to feel pain than nothing at all.
Anyway, a lot of it I was either too young to really remember, or I’ve just
blocked it out. I don’t know. But long story short, I learned along the way
that not only did my feelings
not
matter but I didn’t matter. No matter
how hard I tried to be what they wanted me to be, it wasn’t ever going to be
enough.
In my experience, showing your feelings or having needs got you
hurt. And if you’re lonely enough or hungry enough, eventually you learn it’s
just best not to have them. I know that a big part of you understands that—understands
what it’s like to be this way—but a lot of people won’t. I think . . . that unless
you’ve been severely neglected or abused, you can’t possibly get what it’s like
to have to walk on eggshells all the time—to be afraid to show any emotion—to
feel so small that you’re practically invisible, as if you don’t even exist.
It’s a scary and exhilarating feeling as a child to know that you could walk
out the door for school and not come back and that it would be a long time,
maybe forever, before anyone came looking for you. Then, before long, you grow
up, and it gets a little easier, and you take what you can get, where you can
get it. Love is
love
, you tell yourself. You take what it is you feel
you deserve, until pretty soon you’re lost in it. It’s hard and beautiful and
intoxicating because it goes against everything you’ve ever known to be true.
It sort of feels like a lie, but at the same time, it feels as if a truth has
finally been revealed about yourself. All of a sudden life is more amazing than
anything you could ever imagine; it’s like a high you don’t want to come down
from. The trouble is the lows
are
what you know. The good news is, you
tell yourself, if things get rough you
know
how to make yourself
invisible, and so when it happens, you play small, in part because it’s what
you’ve always done, but also because you’re
so
afraid of losing the
little bit of love you’ve worked so hard to earn. Why? Because you know what
lonely
really
is, and you don’t want to go back to
that
place,
and so you’ll do
just
about anything to keep what you have. Maybe
because losing it would somehow mean that they were right about you all along.”

William turned and met her gaze straight on. “God damn it. It’s
strange, you know, because I knew all of this. I mean somehow I
knew
it.
It’s partly what drew me to you that day in the elevator, you know. It’s as though
we were two addicts searching for one another, as though maybe
together
we could finally see ourselves. It’s like how water seeks its own level. I love
you, and I think the fact that our pasts are similar is in part why you love me
too. We understand each other. It’s like you’re the drug I need, the drug that
makes me better. Even more so,
you
make me
want
to be better.
What I don’t understand is why you won’t just give into it? We’ve both seen things
just as bad as they can get, so what I don’t get is what more is there you
need? What is it that you’re afraid of, Addison?”

Addie exhaled slowly and wiped the tears from her eyes. “This. I’m
afraid of
this.
I’m afraid of feeling like this, of getting hurt. I’m
afraid of loving you and even more so of
letting
you love me. For a long
time, I didn’t really understand what happened in the elevator that day. I mean
how I could just have sex with a random stranger? How could I be so drawn to
someone that I couldn’t even control myself? That wasn’t me, and it scared me.
Not only did I not even know you but . . . I mean . . . I was happy in my
marriage, wasn’t I? It wasn’t until much later—sometime after the Domme
training with Sondra—that I finally got it. I
finally
understood, and I
saw myself for what I was—what I am. It made sense that I’d been so starved for
love, for someone to really want me, to
see
me that I just went with it.
And I realized too, that while the way it happened between you and me might
have been a mistake, in many ways, it was also an awakening.”

“It wasn’t a mistake. I’m not going to hurt you,” William
whispered, gently pressing his thumbs just beneath her eyelids, wiping the
tears away.

“That’s just the thing, though. I don’t want to find out. We’re
broken people, you and I. And I think you need . . . I think that you deserve
someone who’s whole.”

“Two halves make a whole, you know,” William said. “I think
you’re hiding something. I want to know what you’re
really
afraid of,
Addison. You have to be willing to let your guard down because I want to know
the depths of you. I want all of it.”

“I’m afraid that I
already
love you too much, and I’m just
going to get swallowed up in it. I’m afraid of letting what happened in my
marriage happen with us. You’re
that
kind of man, William. You just eat
people up and spit them out.” Addie paused and wiped the tears from her cheeks.
“I’m afraid of losing myself again.”

“Allowing yourself to be loved isn’t losing yourself, Addison. You
know that, right?”

Addie shifted and turned towards the window. “What is it you want
from me, William?”

He reached over and caught her chin with the tip of his finger,
pulling her face towards him. “You want to know what I really want. All right
then, I’m going to lay it on the line for you. But you can’t leave here and
pretend that you don’t know anymore. This is it. If I put it out there, you’re
going to take it or leave it. Do you understand what I’m telling you? No more
of this back-and-forth bullshit. If you want to know how I feel, I’ll tell you.
But once I do, there’s no more in and out. It’s take it or leave it,
understand? You have to trust me enough to let me in.”

Addie gasped at the intensity of his stare. Taking a deep breath,
she forced herself to speak. “Okay.”

She watched as William smiled briefly before he quickly let it
fade away and the intensity in his eyes came back.
She knew that feeling
well.
He lowered his voice
.
“You want to know what I want, Addison?
What I want is for us to cut the bullshit and be together. And I mean
really
be together, not this you-meet-me-here-I-meet-you-there kind of thing that
we’ve got going. I want to see our lives unfold together. I want to hold your
hand in public. I want people to know you’re mine and that I’m yours. I want to
hang out with you on weekends. I want to get to know your children. I want to
take care of you and let you take care of me in return. But most of all, I want
to stop pretending that I don’t need you so fucking much. I’m not asking you to
spend the rest of your life with me, not
yet
, anyway. But I
am
asking that we decide one way or another where this is headed. You either want
to give this a shot or you don’t.”