Breakdown (37 page)

“Friday night,” I said quietly. “You were hosting some charity event, and I’d hated how the manor was so fucking full of stiffs in penguin suits. So I stole a portable stereo, that one over there, in fact.” I pointed behind me. “Also some champagne, and left some cheese dotted about the place so I wouldn’t get lost when I came here.” I looked around the centre of the maze. “Brennan found me first, just watching as I made a pratt of myself dancing; then you, you came in through there.” The exit stood behind him. “Dark grey suit, one hand casually in your pocket.” I let a smile ghost my lips. “I remember thinking then, ‘Fuck me, I could do casual for the rest of my life.’”

Taking something from my pocket, I smiled down at the photo. Easing out a long breath, I let it fall casual on the floor. “I never even made the connection until Halliday asked me to remember.” Frowning, I looked up at him. There was so much more to that, but nothing that needed mentioning here. “Pack all of your things away, it won’t take away how much you’ve calmed my whole fucking existence through these years.”

Gray was quiet, his gaze on me, not looking at the photo. “What has your dad told you, Jack?”

I shrugged. “I know it wasn’t you, is that enough?” I found that blueness in his eyes. “Please?”

“You still can’t open up to me,” he said flatly.

“I can’t climb into my head and order thoughts as easily as I do my sock drawer; it’s not about talking to you, not yet, it’s about pace.” I gave that shrug again. “I wanted normal so fucking badly after what happened, I worked at the garage fixing engines thinking each one I did was one more step away from what happened, one more step closer to normality, one more—” I gave a hard sigh. “One more step closer to Ed being pissed with me again, not haunting my shadow with that sad look in his eyes. But it was all just another compulsion, another way to force order on the chaos, and I didn’t fucking see it. I should have fucking seen, I—” I stopped the anger there.

“And now?”

“Slow and gentle,” I said quietly, and I offered a shy smile. “You, Jan... Halliday, you have a lot in common. But it’s not about keeping anything from anyone. And that’s something I need to explain to Jan, because Christ knows I’ve put him through hell the past five months too.” I gave a sad smile. “But I think he understands; I think it’s why you left him with me, you knew he’d still be there regardless of how much I fucked up.”

“And your hip?” Gray reached for me, but I instantly backed off, hiding it with my hand. Gray eased off almost in the same instant.

“Slower, easier,” I warned quietly. “There’s no magic cure. You know that more than anyone, Gray.”

“Yet you resigned from the MC?” he said angrily, followed by a hard sigh. The anger in it forced me in close—and I grabbed around his neck, pulling him in hard, just fucking held on as I roughed his cheek with a kiss.

“Not from you. Never from fucking you,” I whispered heatedly in his ear. “I got it wrong, so fucking wrong, Gray; I know I hurt you, but like fuck will I ever apologise for it.” I gripped his hair, forcing him to wince. “This? It’s such a good fucking hurt, it’s us. It’s the most fucking intense I’ve ever known: no kink, no chains, no restraint, just every goddamn ounce of right that comes with touching you. We both fuck-up so badly because of it.”

Eventually, Gray dropped his head against mine, hands slipping into familiar hold around my waist. “Go back to the night we stood here with Brennan,” he mumbled quietly, “I wish to God I’d just admitted how much I loved the ghost I brought home.” A hand traced my back, stroking gently against my shirt. “I’d hear him haunting my home of a night. Tracing the walls by moonlight, he made everything of mine familiar under such a light touch.” Tears dampened the curve of my throat and a gentle kiss followed it. “I fucking loved how he mapped out every single part of my life as his. Marking... claiming...”

A gentle nudge against my jaw asked for a kiss. I let him, shaking like fuck feeling him, all tempered wild wanting to wake, but afraid to. I hadn’t done touch yet, not even with Jan, and he seemed to sense it, keeping his touch light.

“I wanted you to wear my collar so fucking badly, Jack.” He kissed, just a ghost of his lips, so fucking tender, and nerves were instantly calmed. “My simple thank you, but also the need to show that you’d allowed me to map and mark my presence in your life, keep you there for when I came home. You’ve got no idea how fucking much I’ve needed you there every time I came home, stunner.”

“I’m here,” I said quietly. “Might take me a while, but I get there eventually.” I nudged his cheek, asking him to look at me. “Might take me a while longer, but I’ll get there eventually.”

“Fucking hurts, Jack.”

“Yeah.” Taking something from my pocket, I slipped it into his hand. “You’re lost, Mukka. But Jan...” kissing Gray’s cheek, I glanced at him as Gray looked down at the necklace, “smart bastard that he is, he had it right all along.”

Gray looked up and I ran a touch under his jaw.

“Just take what you hold and run the fuck away from any trouble.” I felt a tear slip free. “If it means me getting one leg, Jan the other, I’ll damn well make sure I take you with us this time, run the fuck into the woods until we’re ready to get back into life. And if anyone tries to get close to either of you along the way, I’ll break a few fingers and post them back to each member of their family for it.”

“Slightly twisted there, Jack,” mumbled Gray, frowning.

“Yeah?” I whispered, gently kissing his cheek, wanting to soak up his hurt. “It’s been known, baby. But the Master reigns him in when it matters. ” I closed my eyes, held on a little tighter. “And if you see that Master along the way, help me pin him down, kiss the fuck out of him, and just let him know how much I fucking miss him.”

“And if he still says no?”

I gave a sad smile. “Then just remind him I know where he keeps the key to his chloroform cupboard at the MC, and I come with friends.”

Jan came over and pulled him close, kissing at his neck. “Of course I mean Steve, because Jan here, well,” I tried a smile, “you know he’s not one for manual labour.”

“I am here, you know, and I’m taking note of everything you say,” said Jan, smiling a little, hurt more evident in his eyes as he kissed at Gray’s cheek. Yeah, he’d fallen in love with him somewhere along the way, and I’d missed all the signals. Somehow hurt more than what Vince had done.

“Great. Add more to my shit-list, there, things, why don’t you?”

Jan came in hard, fast, his kiss nearly cutting my lips. “It gets you to call me that again, fuck yes,” he said heatedly. “Always, baby.”

I returned it for a moment, breaking off when Halliday’s tricks of the psychotic trade kicked in with Jan’s cologne, even though I knew he’d changed it. “That just leaves big badass Dom here.” I looked at Gray. “You?”

Looking around the maze, he gave sniff. “Ed—”

“Fuck no,” I groaned. “Three in a bed is enough for me. The butler gets the dog basket in the kitchen.”

“He’s my grandfather, Jack.”

I caught how Jan’s smile had faded, how it matched my own. “You’re not bullshitting are you?”

Gray shook his head slowly. “No secrets, Jack. We do this, we do it slow, gentle, but all scars open.”

Frowning, I gave a sniff. All scars.... “Your granddad, huh?”

Gray raised a brow, nodded.

“All scars open?

Narrowing his eyes, Gray nodded again.

“A twelve year one that you could have told me at anytime and not let me make a fuck out of myself?”

“One you could have asked about at any time.”

Looking around the maze, I shrugged. “Yeah, well, still hate the old—”

“
Jack
,” said Jan, pulling me in close. “Digging your grave with two shovels. Shut the fuck up and kiss Gray. He needs it.”

Looking at Gray, I cupped his neck and pulled him in. “Needs it, huh? But will he allow it, though?”

Gray’s brush of lips against mine was gentle. “Allow,” he said quietly. “But your pace, Jan’s—”

I rested my head against his, Jan still caught somewhere in between us. “Ours,” I said quietly, closing my eyes for a brief moment. “All the fuck ups that might come with it.” Jan’s dampness was on my throat. “Still hate Ed, though,” I mumbled to Gray, and he screwed his eyes shut and let a wry smile creep up.

“Yeah. Somehow thought you might, Jack.”

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It’s been wicked to wind back the time in
Breakdown
and investigate Jack’s history in this. All three men were left in such turbulent waters towards the end of
Antidote
, but little was said about the slow recovery Jack undertook, how the break from Gray tore Jan, and just what happened between Jack and his mother. Exploring that allowed me to bring Martin and otherwise just a whole heap of colour and chaos to Jack’s already turbulent life.

The psychiatric setting in this was the hardest part, and even though
Breakdown
is considerably shorter in length compared to
Don’t
and
Antidote
,
Breakdown
took the longest to write. A lot of research went into daily care plans and activities, medication, and general care and recreational plans, treatments and therapy that takes place within a psychiatric setting. A huge, and I mean HUGE thanks goes out to RC here for his valuable insights into nurse psychiatry and the day-to-day running found within this setting (not to mention him also showing great patience with my (thousands) of research questions).

Breakdown
sets the scene for the final novel in the
Don’t…
series—
Gray Matters
. It’s where everything that’s happened comes together, and the point of view switches to the elusive Gray Raoul in order to do that. Not only does it shift from Jack and Jan’s narrative, but it also moves form first person point of view to third person.

Third person point of view is important for Gray’s character within itself. I doubt very much he’d allow anyone to be close to allow such a personal intrusion like first! So third person point of view becomes a major shift for
Gray Matters
. It’s also my turn to take the
Society of Masters
project fully by the horns.

Breakdown
saw a cameo appearance by Trace, one of Lynn Kelling’s fine Dom’s from her
Deliver Us
series. It’s both terrifying and compelling just testing the waters in
Breakdown
over the
SoM
project, seeing what it’s like to handle the responsibility of Ms Kelling’s characters.
Gray Matters
will test that to the full, where Trace and also Gabe and Dare come into my London setting.

It’s such a pleasure working with Ms Kelling. I hope I do her boys justice in my works. They’re certainly turning out to be a wild bunch to handle. Thanks also go, as ever, to Dilo Keith, erotica author and BDSM consultant who continues to provide excellent conceptual and technical guidance into Jack and Gray’s world. Also to all the staff at ForbiddenFiction, especially my editor, Rylan Hunter, who wouldn’t have been blamed for needed a place in the psych setting with Jack after all of my “can I have a little more time, please,” shuffles into his office. And to D.M. Atkins, who probably also has a few grey hairs after this one too! Big mention to Vicki Howard, who’s still been there on the end of every email, not only as a tireless line editor and dark content consultant, but also as a damn good friend!

To everyone who picks up these works to read, the support that you have shown has been breathtaking. I know this series is a hard ride, and I’m humbled that you’ve stayed with me through it and shown such stunning support. Thank you!!!

Website:
www.jacklpyke.com/

Jack L. Pyke
blames her dark writing influences on living close to one of England’s finest forests. Having grown up hearing a history of kidnappings, murders, strange sightings, and sexual exploits her neck of the woods is renowned for, Jack takes that into her writing, having also learned that human coping strategies for intense situations can sometimes make the best of people have disastrously bad moments. Redeeming those flaws is Jack’s drive, and if that drive just happens to lead to sexual tension between two or more guys in a D/s relationship, Jack’s the first to let nature take its course.