Breakdown (13 page)

“You sure you want to continue?” That came from Craig and I nodded slightly, distracted.

“Things are just hiding, that’s all. I remembered being in the dining hall, other things too, just... everything’s just a little disjointed and broken up.”

“It’s important you keep telling us, Jack,” said Halliday. “But it’s good that you’re noticing and chasing the memories afterwards.”

“He seemed fine to talk to, no obvious absences.”

Halliday nodded briefly at Craig. “Okay.”

Craig sat to my left, and screwing my face, the door took my attention. Obviously the shit I’d caused here last week meant he’d be in on sessions from now on, the door taking too much time to open for him to stop me throttling the good old doctor. As if my own life wasn’t messed up enough, I was all in for fucking up everyone else’s too.

“This is scaring the crap out of me.” That came out before I could stop it and Halliday glanced over.

“Normal reaction, Jack. You’re going to get days like these where time bypasses you. But nothing happens today that you don’t already know about. Just a quick re-run through what I mentioned last week.” He ran through the treatments, making sure to go over each one, then sitting there on the settee, he reached over the arm and pulled out a black carry case. “Can you remember what we discussed about treatment? About the slightly... odd therapy I mentioned?” The click of a clasp accompanied the question and he flicked a look over.

He hadn’t gone over that, and I suppose it was deliberate, just to see what memory retention I had. It had been pretty shite lately. “Yeah.”

“Are you sure?” he asked again. When I nodded for a second time, he pulled out the photo of Gray and set it to one side. Then he took something else out and offered it over. “Okay, here we go. You’re the mechanic here, what’s that?”

Life instantly seemed a little clearer as I took it off him, I even offered a smile. “It’s, it’s—a switch.”

“Yes,” said Halliday as Craig sat there chuckling. “Can you be more specific?”

Giving a sigh, I handed it back. “Hazard light switch,” I said tapping it. “That one in particular is from a Land Rover Defender 110. It’s a slippery little sod, mostly because, if the indicators themselves aren’t working, most people bypass considering checking the wiring to the switch.” I pointed at the two blocks of pins on the back. “Top ones handle the power supply, bottom go totalitarian on whether the flasher unit works. Malfunction is usually down to the power supply.”

Halliday looked the pins over and I bit down the Jan-look going on over there as he twisted it this way, that.

“But it basically makes a clicky noise if you flick it,” I added.

Again Craig chuckled as Halliday stopped turning the switch and flicked it. “Like this?”

Click.

It sounded really good and I nodded, giving a smile. “Yeah, just like that.”

Keeping the switch in one hand, Halliday reached back into the case. “Do you remember what else we discussed? About desensitisation through object association?”

A blank DVD came out and my smile faded. He placed the DVD on his knee, just balancing it there, and the sound of the case shutting came next.

“Do you recognise this, Jack?”

I nodded. “Yeah,” I said quietly. “It’s the DVD I had on me when I came here. The one I watched at Gray’s.”

Halliday flicked the hazard light and I glanced at it briefly before I was back with the DVD. Only the DVD was gone from sight, under the case maybe? And Halliday eased into a smile. “Before watching the DVD, just after getting out of hospital after you were held by Vince, can you give me a moment with Jan or Gray that took you away from thinking about Vince?”

“Work.” I screwed my face. “There was only work.”

“Only work? Are you sure?”

Maybe not...

“Jack, I’m getting so fucking desperate right now, and I’ll resort to stuffing anything up your nose just to get close to you,” said Jan.

I choked a laugh, hating the runaway tear that spilled with it. “You taking the piss, Richards?”

“Fuck yes—always, if it gets you to laugh like that again.”

I choked a chuckle. Yeah, for a moment, standing there in Gray’s hall, shadows had shifted. Gray had pissed me off with putting me on lockdown with Martin showing up, but just then... “Jan,” I said quietly. “It took five weeks, but I held him for the first time,” I searched through the memory, “felt like I hadn’t held him in a lifetime, but...” Giving a shrug, I smiled. “Just for a few minutes, he felt so fucking good.”

“Jan. How long have you known him?”

I glanced at Halliday, smiled. “About eight months. He’s as soft as shit, but such a sensitive soul. Love the fucking bones off him.”

“After only eight months?”

I smiled. “After only a few hours.”

Halliday nodded. “What about Gray? How do you feel about him?”

Giving a frown, I looked towards the door. Another click of the switch came.

“How long have you been together?”

“Eleven...” I smiled. “Twelve years. Or it would have been twelve years yesterday.”

“Have you ever forgotten your anniversary?”

“MC’s always been too formal to do that shit. But forgotten? No. I’ve never forgotten.”

“It’s not unusual for a Master to move beyond formal relations with a Master sub. Shaun Brennan collared his Master sub.”

“Hm,” I said quietly, uneasy at the mention of collars. “It’s just rare.”

When I glanced back, I nearly jolted seeing the DVD back in Halliday’s hand. The flick of the switch came a second after, but it was a little harder to look away this time.

“Fucked things up,” I mumbled quietly. “So fucking badly.”

“Gray has been schooled on formality, not only with the MC but because of his family heritage. But he also has a more personal history for creating his own rules for many things. He’s—”

“A bastard?”

“—quite an uncomplicated character. You know where you stand, which is usually best on his good side.”

“Do or die.” I smiled. “He’s damn good at his jobs.”

“He trains MI5 and soldiers at the MC, those who have the aptitude for interrogation skills.”

“Hm,” I said, and a click went on the switch, drawing my attention briefly to Halliday.

“You’ve helped with some of those interrogation scenes, more as a test subject for the trainees. And with the Dom training you do with him, too, you go into a scene with the mind to teach potential Doms how to work safely.”

BDSM. Unease gnawing at the pit of my stomach, I flicked a look to the door this time. Again a flick went at the switch, and I was back with Halliday, feeling a little easier with the familiar.

“For recording purposes, most of your training goes onto these discs, correct?” He held the DVD up and I frowned.

“Yes. How did you become involved in the MC?” I asked. Craig coughed, but I hated this personal shit. If I was giving, I needed something in return.

“Shaun Brennan approached me many years ago,” said Halliday. “We’ve been friends for years.”

“You and Brennan?” I winced. “Look, whatever he said I did, it wasn’t me. I’m not the only one within the MC who has a police record.”

“Hm,” hummed Halliday, looking a little suspicious. “He’s MC and takes confidentiality seriously, as well as his security at the MC for his employees. Whatever long list of troubles you cause away from discussion in therapy session, I know nothing about.”

“Thank hell for that.”

Halliday chuckled. The DVD was again hidden and I hadn’t noticed when he slipped it away, just breathed a little easier with it being out of sight, out of fucked-up mind.

“With Gray, do many Doms fail their training?”

I snorted a wry smile. “Most aren’t stupid enough to attempt fucking up with him there.”

“I heard that Masters train from behind the scene.” The DVD was back on Halliday’s knee and the light caught it as it shifted slightly. I swear he was playing Jack in the Box with the thing.

“He observes via CCTV and the MCs security team. If I can’t control the scene, he’s there to make sure it’s stopped.” Again the light caught the DVD, nearly blinding me. “Wasn’t there with Vince, though...”

The flick of the switch went again and I looked at it.

“Moving away from Vince, there’s a lot of people who keep your safety in mind.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled, relaxing a little as Halliday flicked the switch, sending out a familiar
click
. “Made some good friends through the years. Mike... Kieran... Leif.”

“Master Brennan’s sub.”

“Yeah, Leif.” I smiled. “Tall, bloody thin, like a mantis, only get him in a scene and he can bend and twist his body into any position.”

“Was Leif there for your training? When you were first recruited by the MC?”

I shook my head. “We joined together, we were trained together.” I chuckled a little. “Made a bet back then he’d be the first Master sub to be collared by a Master. He won it.”

And that was it. It took me a moment to realise the DVD was being slid back into the black case, the hazard switch and photo a moment later, and Halliday smiled over once he’d fastened the case.

“That’s it?” I said, raising a brow, then looking at Craig.

“For today,” said Halliday. “How do you think you coped with seeing the DVD?”

I shrugged, blushed a little. “Well, gotta say it’s not really my genre. I like it slightly more hardcore. Y’know, it coming with a DVD player to actually insert the thing into.”

“That’s something we’re going to work towards, Jack. But for now, I’d like to keep these sessions similar to what we’ve done here this evening for the next few weeks. Small steps: something tied to bad times, something familiar, good memories, but desensitisation to the event itself.”

“Yeah, who’d have known that watching a DVD would be so, y’know, scary without popcorn to throw at the TV screen?”

Halliday grinned over and put the case down by his feet. I got to mine, stretching muscles. The need was there to wash my hands; they felt sweaty, but the need to itch still buried it.

Craig threw some wipes over he’d put on the coffee table before we’d started. I couldn’t even remember that. I took one out, then stopped myself at another. “Thanks,” I said, chucking them back.

“I’d like to look at introducing a Paroxetine dosage,” Halliday said to me, although it was obvious he was talking to Craig. “10mg to lower stress levels.” Halliday was back with Craig. “The time slip earlier is a concern, and something I want you to keep an eye on.” Halliday smiled back up at me. “Craig will take you through all of the possible side effects.”

“I’ve taken Paroxetine before.”

“I know, but not in this state, Jack. Be aware of the main side effects: higher depression, higher suicidal tendencies.”

“No silverware for a few days, then?” I said over to Craig, “and I’d just won that privilege back.”

“I can take it away any time, Jack.” Craig grinned up. “I have the power.”

“Only in your head, mate.”

“If all goes well the Paroxetine, you can make your first call when you’re more settled.” Halliday got to his feet, shaking out his long limbs. “You should know that your father has called twice over the past two weeks asking after you.”

“Jack, are you aware you’re scratching at your hip?” said Craig.

I dug my hands in my pockets, looking away. “Jan?”

“Mr. Richards has been made aware of the sectioning. We also make sure he is kept up to date with treatments and medication.”

“But
you
called him? Not the other way around?” Fucking fine. I dug my hands further into my pockets. “And Gray?”

“Focus on your wellbeing, Jack. In a few weeks’ time, you can call whoever you like from the main staff room,” said Halliday, then to Craig, “No mobile phone yet due to confidentiality rules.” Craig nodded.

“In the meantime, I want these weekly sessions with me to continue,” said Halliday. “What’s been going on in your past, it’s been happening for quite a long time. I want to look at Martin.” He smiled over. “Same time next week, Jack.”

Dismissed, I sighed, watching as Craig got to his feet.

“C’mon then, Jack, let’s go and see if we can get you to go social with a nightcap in the TV lounge.”