Brave Beginnings (6 page)

“Julia, are you alright?”

Her aunt’s worried tone broke her out of her
thoughts. She looked across the table at Erin. “I’m not hungry.”
She glanced at Ernest who sat next to her and his parents who sat
at opposite ends of the dining table. “The food is delicious. I
probably ate too much at lunch today.”

Ernest’s mother chuckled. “A skinny thing
like you needs to eat more. I hope you’ll save room for
dessert.”

With a half-hearted smile, Julia nodded and
folded her hands over the napkin resting in her lap.

Sure, Mrs. Freeman’s pot roast was savory
compared to the rabbit she and her aunt cooked over the campfire
over a year ago, but the rabbit had tasted better. She knew it had
nothing to do with the meat or Mrs. Freeman’s cooking. It was
because Chogan had been there, eating with them and exchanging
stories about their pasts.

Julia forced her eyes toward her aunt, well
aware that Ernest studied her. Her face flushed. She didn’t
particularly enjoy being watched, even if she knew his examination
stemmed from concern for her well-being. Perhaps she should be glad
for the way things turned out. She recalled how frightening it had
been to be with the Mandans. The men didn’t cover their bodies like
she was used to, and some of their ceremonial practices spooked her
because they were much more vocal than the churches she’d grown up
in. When it came down to it, she didn’t know if she could ever be
comfortable living there.

Why Chogan? Of all the men alive, why did it
have to be him? Why didn’t she feel a connection with Ernest? It’d
make much more sense to love Ernest. They came from the same
background and were used to the same things. The choice seemed to
be an obvious one, so shouldn’t she be glad to have a second chance
with him?

Julia struggled to remember why she said no
when Ernest had asked her to marry him all those years ago. Time
had done its part to cloud her memory. She had a fondness for
Ernest. That she knew. But something didn’t add up. In the years
that passed, she figured it was her duty to Gary that made her say
no. Would she have married Ernest if he hadn’t moved to Fargo? She
glanced his way again and wondered if she’d marry him this time if
he asked.

He looked pleasant enough. He would not make
her heart race in anticipation like Chogan did, but then,
butterflies in the stomach didn’t ensure a good marriage. No. There
had to be more to sharing a life with someone than physical
attraction. The man and woman had to be amiable toward one another
too, and she had found her encounters with Ernest to be quite
amiable. Maybe not exciting, but they’d been sweet. Surely, she
could work with sweet.

Maybe it all came down to one simple
question: did she want to end up without a husband and children? It
wasn’t something she gave serious thought to. In fact, for the most
part she developed a sense of peace about being an old maid. And
she still might have had it not been for Chogan. Seeing him again
brought long forgotten dreams to the surface. Maybe she shouldn’t
confine herself to Chogan. If she couldn’t have him, did that mean
she had to forfeit having children?

At her age, she didn’t exactly have the
luxury of waiting much longer. She’d be twenty-nine in December.
The clock was ticking against her.

Mrs. Freeman brought out the peach cobbler
for dessert, and Julia forced herself to eat her portion in case
the woman admonished her, once again, for being “too skinny”. As
she ate, Ernest talked about the bank and how he enjoyed working
there. Julia tried to imagine her future with him. She guessed it
would be a lot like this.

They’d visit his parents and her aunt. He’d
probably discuss his job. She’d be unable to think of much to say,
but she often didn’t have much to say regardless of who was at the
table. His parents would be nice to her, as they’d always been, and
his mother would probably go on a crusade to fatten her up. They’d
mostly likely take turns seeing her aunt and his parents, and
they’d opt to bring her aunt to his parents for the holidays.

From the future that played out in her mind,
it seemed like such an easy thing to agree to. She could be very
content with this. All she needed to add were the children she and
Ernest would have together. Her heart ached. She remembered holding
her niece. She did want to hold her own baby. Looking at Ernest
again, she knew this was her only chance of having a baby. She
didn’t doubt he’d make a good husband and father. He’d provide well
for their children.

When dessert was over, Julia helped his
mother and her aunt with clearing the table while the men retired
to the parlor to talk. Yes, this would be her life, should she
choose to accept it. It would be a routine. Predictable and safe.
Familiar. It could work. She could be content.

Her mind cycled through these thoughts, and
after awhile, she suspected that she was trying to convince herself
that losing Chogan wasn’t the end of the world. There was life
after him. She blinked back her tears as she helped dry the dishes.
Ernest’s mother washed them, her aunt rinsed them, and she dried
them. It was orderly. Predictable. Safe. Familiar. It was fine, and
she could handle fine. Couldn’t she?

“You’re awfully quiet,” Mrs. Freeman said,
peering around Erin’s head to look at Julia.

“Oh, that’s how Julia is,” her aunt replied.
“She was a quiet girl too.”

“Well, it’s nice to have you as a guest,” the
woman added.

Julia smiled and said thank you.

After they were done, Mrs. Freeman gathered
the tea set that was on a tray and led them out to the parlor where
she placed the tray on the table in the middle of the room. “Drink
it while it’s hot.” She poured the tea into the cups and handed
them out to everyone.

Julia took her cup and sat next to her aunt
on the settee. Her aunt shot her a questioning glance but didn’t
say anything. Yes, Julia knew she could have sat closer to Ernest.
Ernest had a chair next to him, but she had been next to him at the
meal and figured that was enough for one night. So his mother sat
in the chair, and Ernest and his father, who remained across from
each other, continued their discussion. It took Julia a good minute
to realize they talked about the bank where Ernest worked.

Julia yawned, and beside her, she felt her
aunt’s body shake in a silent chuckle. She had to force her
attention off of her aunt so she wouldn’t burst out laughing. Her
aunt was just as bored as she was.

“We can’t give out a loan to everyone who
applies,” Ernest told his father. “There are some men who simply
cannot pay the debt back, so we have to be selective about who we
do business with.”

“And that’s good,” his father agreed. “You
don’t need undesirables over there.”

“It is important to maintain the right
image.”

Julia’s mind began to wander as she sipped
the sweet tea, and as it did, scattered accounts from the past came
to mind. Most prominent were the times she’d spent hunting rabbits
with Chogan.

“
You focus too much on me. I make
you...nervous?” he asked.

“
Of course, you make me nervous. You know
what you’re doing, and you’re watching me,” she replied.

“
I try to help.”

“
Maybe if you didn’t stare, then it would
help.”

“
I watch your technique.”

“
Couldn’t you take a break and look at the
rabbits?”

“
But I not make them stay still. They move
as they will. I can help you.”

She sighed. “It’s just unnerving, that’s
all. I do better if I’m not being stared at all the time.”

“
But it is nice to look at you.”

At the time, his meaning didn’t sink in, even
though she suspected he meant that he found her to be beautiful.
Now, looking back, she understood what he was trying to tell her.
And then he had held her arms and angled the bow so she could shoot
the arrow right. Her skin still tingled from the memory of his
touch.

She caught the tear before it slid down her
cheek. She stared at the tea in her cup so she could quench the
swell of emotion that threatened to come up to the surface. Not
here. She could cry all she wanted to at home, but she couldn’t do
it here.

Her aunt, ever in tune with her thoughts,
patted her arm and said, “The night is late. I believe we must be
going.”

Unable to finish the cup, Julia stood with
her and nodded.

Ernest also stood. “Let me walk you two
home.”

Julia glanced uneasily at her aunt, but she
knew that since it was dark out, they would be better off having a
man escort them home. Coming here tonight had been a mistake, and
now she couldn’t avoid the question he was bound to ask her. She
spent the entire evening trying to convince herself that she could
agree, but she couldn’t. Her head argued for it; her heart
continued to reject it. That was why her thoughts went in circles.
Until she made the right decision, she would be stuck.

Ernest took her coat before she could put it
on.

She offered a weak smile of thanks and let
him slip it on. The knot in her stomach tightened. This wasn’t
going to be fun. She saw what was coming and didn’t know how to
stop it. She shot her aunt a desperate look, but her aunt wasn’t
going to be able to prevent it any more than she could. All her
aunt could do was offer a sympathetic smile before Ernest’s father
helped her with her coat.

Putting her hat on, Julia said a polite
good-bye to Mr. and Mrs. Freeman, knowing very well they wouldn’t
think kindly of her once they learned she didn’t want to entertain
the affections of their son. As the three left the house, Julia
pulled the coat tighter around her neck to ward off the chilly
wind.

“It was very nice of your parents to invite
us over,” Erin said as they walked down the sidewalk.

“When I told them you two moved to town, they
were eager to see you and catch up on old times,” Ernest replied.
“In some ways, it’s like time never passed.”

He looked in Julia’s direction, so she
quickly averted her gaze. Oh God, this was not going to be easy.
She could only pray it would be quick so she could get away and
hide in her bedroom for the rest of her life.

“I wonder if it’ll snow,” Ernest
commented.

“It certainly feels like it. Where would you
say that wind is coming from? The north?” her aunt replied.

“There’s definitely a bitterness to it, so
I’d guess you’re right.”

“Then it’s likely we’re in for a
snowfall.”

Now Julia remembered why she didn’t want to
marry Ernest when they were younger. He bored her. His topics
didn’t seem to veer off from his job, the weather, or the people
they knew. To someone else, this might be entertaining, but to her,
it was monotonous. Safe and familiar had their benefits, but they
had drawbacks too.

She couldn’t put up with this for the rest of
her life. She could see her future now...

“
Hello, honey. I’m home,” Ernest would
say.

“
Hello, Ernest,” she’d reply, probably
holding a child in her arms. “Junior walked today.”

He’d pat Junior on the head, say, “Good
boy,” and ask, “What’s for supper?”

“
The same thing we had yesterday and the
day before that.”

“
Sounds great. I can’t wait to tell you
about the boring thing that happened today at work.”

She’d nod with a smile plastered on her
face. “Oh good. And while you’re at it, we’ll make a guess on what
tomorrow’s weather will be like.”

“
Rain,” Junior would say.

“
Oh, look. His first word,” she’d
say.

“
Like father, like son,” he’d
reply.

Then they’d laugh and continue to have the
same discussion they had the night before and the night before that
and...

She grimaced. Maybe the future wouldn’t be
exactly like that, but it would be similar to it. She couldn’t go
through this, no matter how much she wanted children.

Once they reached the house, Ernest asked to
speak with Julia privately. Julia stayed on the porch, not wishing
to prolong this painful experience, and it would be undoubtedly
shortened if they remained out in the cold.

Her aunt said good-night and went into the
house.

Julia gathered the courage to go through with
this even as the chill in the air made her shiver. That was good
though. The cold was distracting enough so she didn’t have to dwell
too hard on how she was about to upset him. “What is it?” she asked
out of obligation to get the conversation started. After all, the
sooner they did this, the sooner it’d be over.

Ernest stuffed his hands into the pockets of
his coat. “Have you ever thought about what could have been?”

She took a deep breath and braced herself.
“No, Ernest. I don’t.” Might as well just say it. “And I’m sorry.”
Lord knew life would be simpler if she could just say yes.

He paused for a moment, and she looked
everywhere but at him. She knew he’d be hurt, and she didn’t want
to see it.

“Oh,” he finally replied. “I understand. I
knew it was unlikely, but I had to try.”

She gave him a tentative look. “You aren’t
upset?”

“Disappointed, but no, I’m not upset.”

Overwhelmed with relief, she said, “You’re a
nice man, Ernest. Really you are. I wish I wanted the same thing
you do.”

“You don’t need to explain. Some things
aren’t meant to be. I hope that we can still be friends.”

“Of course, we can.” She smiled, feeling much
better about everything. If she’d known it would be this simple,
she wouldn’t have prolonged this moment for as long as she had.

“I’ll see you around,” he told her and tipped
his hat in her direction.

She waited for him to head off before she
went into her house, grateful that he’d been as gracious as he’d
been.