Branded By Kesh (9 page)

He loved me, and I’d thought I’d loved him, but this thing that had happened with Kesh had shown me that I didn’t feel as much for Jaxxon as I’d thought I did. I didn’t feel anywhere near as much at the thought of losing Jaxxon as I did at the thought of losing Kesh, and we barely knew each other.

Thoughts about what to do swirled around in my head as I lay on my stretcher bed in the medical wing of the ship. It wasn’t the most comfortable bed. My pad of blankets on the floor of the cargo bay was softer and warmer.

I wanted to get out of there and go back to the kitchen. Penta had died, so it was up to me to cook for the crew, but as so many of them had died, it should be a much easier undertaking now.

I had one more treatment left with the regenerator and then Manik was going to let me out of the cramped medical wing. I just had to wait until he’d finished treating some of the more severely injured crew. I didn’t mind the waiting. It was giving me time to think about what I was going to do about Kesh.

As I watched Manik heal the injured crew and saw the men who didn’t make it, I felt a deep sense of loss with each death. Men who I’d seen come for food in the dining room. Men I’d served, and men I’d watched joking and laughing with the other crew.

Men who were now dead.

It became obvious to me that I didn’t belong here. I felt too much. I had become attached to the crew, and it had only been a few days.

What if I lived with them for months and became friends with the crew—how could I stand to watch them die?

My family. We were peaceful and we caused no trouble. We went about our lives, always with the thought that if we looked out for others, the Universe would look out for us, and so far, it had seemed to be true. The pirates, though, lived by a different standard, a standard I didn’t think I could ever become accustomed to or learn to live along side.

All my thoughts led me to the conclusion that there was no future for Kesh and me. We were too different. We wanted
different
things in our lives. We wanted a
different
kind of relationship and I didn’t think that would change. He’d always want me to be his one and only and I. Well, I couldn’t see my desire for freedom changing. I didn’t want to grow to hate him because of the restrictions he put on me. At least this was what I convinced myself as I lay there in the medical wing.

A tiny part of me said I was running away. Running away from what he made me feel. It said he made me feel so much in such a short space of time that I was running scared. I was scared to be someone’s one and only. What if I disappointed them or they disappointed me? What if I fell in love with him and he broke my heart by not living up to my expectations? It was easier to have relationships where I could come and go as I pleased and there would always be someone else to fill the void. Then my heart would stay whole, my heart would stay mine.

I felt nervous about telling Kesh of my decision. I didn’t want a big scene. I didn’t want to fight with him, I just wanted him to accept my choice.

I didn’t have to wait long after coming to my decision before he came to visit me in the medical wing.

He had his arm strapped across his chest. The damage to the muscles had been severe, and Manik had restricted his movements while he finished healing.

As he stood looking down at me, I wanted to ask him if he was being careful with it. I wanted to make sure he was taking care of himself, but I didn’t ask. Instead, I said, “Kesh there’s something I need to tell you.”

He looked at me intently, his black eyes boring into mine. I felt branded by his gaze, claimed on a soul deep level and it scared me silly—scared me so much I convinced myself I was making the right decision as he waited for me to continue.

“When we arrive at this station we’re heading for, I’m going to go with my family. I need to make sure they’re okay, and I belong with them.”

He didn’t say anything for a long time but just stared down at me. I couldn’t read him. I had no idea what he was feeling or thinking as he looked at me. I wanted him to say something. I wanted him to tell me he understood.

“What are you afraid of, Magnolia?”

His deep voice sent a shiver down my spine, but his words had my brows snapping together.

“I’m not afraid of anything,” I told him. How could he possibly know what was in my head and what I was feeling?

“Little flower, I see you. I see
all
of you, and you’re running scared.”

“You’re wrong, Kesh, I’m
not
afraid. I don’t belong with you and your crew. We’re too different, and we’d never be able to make it work. I want freedom in my relationships and you’ve already stated that’s not the kind of relationship you want. I belong with my family. I’ll be safe with my family.”

Something moved across his face, but I couldn’t read it before it was gone. He leant down until we were almost nose to nose, his black eyes boring into mine.

“You are lying to yourself, Magnolia. But that’s okay, because I understand.”

I frowned up at him. “I am not lying to myself. I’ve thought about it thoroughly and made a logical choice, Kesh.”

“Logic plays no part in matters of the heart, Magnolia. It’s all about what we feel, and that’s what you’re afraid of, but it’s all right.”

He slid his hand into my hair, cupping my face, the heat of his palm scorching me.

“There won’t ever be another woman for me, Magnolia. You’re it. I’ll wait for you, little flower, until you see that what we could have together could be better than what you can have with any other man. I’ll wait until you can admit to yourself that what you’re afraid of is committing to me.”

Leaning down, he pressed his lips to mine, a soft kiss that had me reaching for him. His lips, soft and pliable, moved over mine, a gentle tease, with a soft caress that had me wanting more. I wanted the hard thrust of his tongue, the spicy taste of him in my mouth. I wanted to see his black eyes burning with passion as he gazed down at me, but he pulled back, leaving me wanting, leaving me feeling needy and unsatisfied.

He gazed at me for a moment and I had the uncomfortable feeling that he could read me like a book, that he could see every part of me, that he could understand even what I didn’t understand about myself.

I felt naked and exposed. I felt vulnerable under his searing gaze.

He turned away and I watched him walk out the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts and feeling like I’d just lost something that was far more important to me than I’d realised.

Chapter Ten

The remainder of the time I spent on the pirate’s ship went quickly. I kept myself busy cooking in the kitchen and being looked after by my family, who had been very shaken up by my being injured. My mother came and helped me in the kitchen, sometimes accompanied by my younger sister, who sat on the counter and chatted away as if we’d lived on the pirate ship forever and being attacked by an alien race was an everyday occurrence.

Kesh stayed away from me the entire time, which left me feeling confused. He came for meals, ate, and left again. He didn’t talk to me other than to thank me, and he didn’t try to touch me. He didn’t come to the kitchen to spend time with me and he didn’t kiss me.

Jaxxon also stayed away from me. Every time I tried to talk to him, he looked at me with anger on his face and walked away. I was more alone than I’d been in three years.

The day we arrived at the station and disembarked from the pirate’s ship, I felt a deep sense of loss hit me. As I sat on a couch in the station’s security office while my parents registered with the station and started to search for living quarters for us, I wondered if I was doing the right thing.

My parents seemed to have everything under control and didn’t really need me. My brother was off exploring the station with Jaxxon, and my sister had already shown she could adapt to living just about anywhere.

I looked at the markings on the back of my hands, beautiful swirling patterns that reminded me of Kesh and would
always
remind me of Kesh.

My mamma sat down on the couch beside me. “You look lost, blossom.”

“Do I?”

She looked at me before her eyes dropped to my hands. To my surprise, my family hadn’t asked me about the strangely beautiful markings on my hands, trusting me to tell them what they needed to know. I felt too much for Kesh. It was too personal to share with them what had happened and what the markings meant. I was also afraid of what they would say.

“You look like you’ve lost your best friend, Magnolia and I’m not talking about Jaxxon.”

“I
have
lost my best friend,” I told her. “However, it doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.”

“No, because you have another man on your mind. I saw the way he looks at you and I saw you looking at him, so why are you here? Why aren’t you on that ship with him?”

I looked at my mamma with shock. Was she giving me permission to be with Kesh? Did I even need her permission? I was an adult. I could make my own decisions. Maybe at heart I was still her child, and maybe I’d needed her to be all right with me leaving the family to follow my heart. Tears started to gather in my eyes as emotion welled up in my chest.

“Magnolia, you have to do what’s right for you. Don’t follow in your papa’s and my footsteps just because that is the only thing you know. If it feels right in your heart, then you need to be with this man. If he fills that empty place inside you, it doesn’t matter what he is or what he does. Be with him.”

A single tear ran down my face, “I’m scared, Mamma.”

My mamma took my hand in hers and squeezed.

“What are you afraid of, Magnolia?”

“He wants me to belong to him. He wants to be the only man for me, and I don’t know how to be that way. I don’t know if I can be what he wants. I thought I wanted the same freedom that you and papa have.”

I’d spent countless hours on the ship thinking about what Kesh said. He was right. I was afraid, and now I wasn’t lying to myself. I knew I was afraid and I could admit it to myself. What I didn’t have was the courage to be with him knowing he’d be the only man for me. What if it didn’t work out?

“Sometimes, what we think we want and what ends up being the best choice for us, are two totally different things. You have the freedom to choose this man if he’s what you really want. You also have the freedom to leave if it doesn’t work out. You’ll never lose that freedom, Magnolia. Nobody can take it away from you.”

My mamma’s words settled inside me. She was right. If I chose Kesh and things didn’t work out, I could always leave him. Being with him would never take that freedom away from me. If I didn’t at least try, I’d be losing what could be the most significant relationship of my life. But it was a huge step to take—committing to a man I barely knew, leaving my family and joining another ship, one with a very uncertain future.

“Do you love him, Magnolia?”

I looked away from my mamma because she saw too much. She’d always been able to read me—ever since I was a small child she’d known what I was feeling.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I thought I loved Jaxxon, but it doesn’t hurt to lose him. I don’t think I know what love is.”

“But it hurts you to lose this man on the ship. You know what love is, Magnolia. You’re just afraid to trust yourself. You’re just afraid of committing to him in case you’ve made a mistake. It’s much safer to go through life protecting your heart, but that doesn’t allow you to connect with people. It doesn’t allow you to have lasting relationships that mean something.”

I wondered as I looked at my mamma how she knew me so well, how she could see so deep inside me to the heart of my problems.

“What you’re saying is I should take a chance on this man. I should leave you and the others and see what I could have with him.”

My mamma cupped my face in her hand, her gentle fingers warm against my skin.

“What I’m telling you, Magnolia, is to trust your heart. It knows what it wants and what the right thing to do is. It’s your head that’s getting in the way.”

I’d known all along that Kesh was special, but I’d ignored it because I was afraid of what he wanted, of what he represented. I was afraid of what he was demanding of me, but my heart and my body knew we belonged together. My heart had known all along that he was the man for me.

Could I put my fear aside and be with him? Could I do what my mamma said and trust my heart? The alternative was to lose Kesh, to never explore what he made me feel, to never develop our budding relationship. I could lose my chance at a real and abiding love. My mamma was right—it didn’t matter what Kesh was or what he did. That had been an excuse, a reason to hold him at arm’s length.

I stood up, pulling away from my mamma’s warm hand. If I was going to be with Kesh, I needed to move. The ship was only staying long enough to pick a person up and then they were leaving. I had a whole station to cross.

My mamma smiled up at me, “Go get him, blossom.”

I raced through the station, past the throngs of people in the wide-open space of the promenade, down the wide corridors that led back to the ship. People stopped and stared at me as I raced past, but I was too intent on getting to Kesh to worry about what they thought of the strange woman with green hair running through the quiet space station.

Fresh tears pooled in my eyes as I ran down the long corridor that led to the docking station. If the ship had already left, I didn’t know what I’d do. If it had already left, I’d have lost my chance to be with Kesh and I’d have nobody to blame but myself.

I didn’t know if Kesh and I could make a relationship work. I didn’t know if he really would wait for me, but I had to believe as I ran through the station that he’d told the truth. The only thing I could do if the ship had left was wait for him and hope that they’d come back one day. All I could do was hold him in my heart until he returned and ask him to forgive me for being afraid.

The twists and turns of the corridors slowed me down as I ran through the station as fast as my short legs would carry me. It was the first time I’d ever wanted to be taller, to have longer legs that would carry me further, carry me faster to Kesh. The long corridor was empty and my heart felt like it was about to burst from my exertion and from the emotion filling me. My breath rushed out of me in gasps as I rounded the last corner and saw the portal door closed.