Brain Droppings (9 page)

t
exas canceled plans to put its motto, Friendship, on its license plates People complained that it was too wimpy. Why don’t they just change their motto? Let’s Kill All the Niggers comes to mind as appropriate.
In ViEnna. they recently hod an opera riot.
Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
Ill ^ ’s ‘* w’ien y°u kuv f’ve shirts, there’s always one you never wea.r? 111 To minimize this problem, when I shop for shirts I always put one \&l back just before I pay.
ily family and I are doing our bit for the environment. We’ve volunteered, to have sixty metric tons of human waste stored in our home.
CAHCER CAUSES HEART DISEASE
hopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Crreat American Addiction. No one is immune: When the underclass riots in this country, they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
I made a bargain with the devil: I would get to be famous, and he would get to fuck my sister.
g
ranola bars didn’t sell very well when they were good for you. INOW they have caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat, and sweeteners; and a small amount of oats and wheat. Sales picked up.

y
ou know you’re in trouble when you look behind the clerk and see one of your personal checks displayed on the wall as an example of why the store does not accept personal checks.
As grown-ups, we never get to “wave bye-bye.” I think it would be fun. “Steve, the boss is sailing for Europe; we’re all going down to the dock to wave bye-bye.”
Some things o king neuer has to say:

“tan I play, too?” “Hey, guys, wait for me1.1 “I neuer seem to get laid!1
id you ever go somewhere and realize it used to be a different place? And it dawns on you that some things are not here anymore. Of course, some other things are not here yet. And nothing seems to be where it used to be; everything’s been moved. Sometimes I think if we could just put everything back where it originally was, we might be all right.
I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.
Aiumnun is A
JIVEHEIAI
lou know you’re in a poor neighborhood when you give the store clerk a dollar and he asks you if you have anything smaller.
e
O
lrice childhood is a time when kids prepare to be grown-ups, I think it a lot of sense to completely traumatize your children. Gets ‘em ready the real world.

b t a i n droppings

? 0 R C E

C A R L 1 N

|fyou want to keep your times a week.
[h all that humping going on, )FK’s administration shouldn’t hav& led Camelot, they should have called it Come-a-lot. ?here is a new British rock band called So Long, Mate! During each performance one member of the band is ritually slaughtered. The muSjc has ? a certain urgency, but the tours are nice and short. About five davs. hen the convention of testicle transplant surgeons had its annual Softball ime, they asked me to throw out the first ball.
3u know what would be fun? Drop acid, smoke PCP, and then ta|don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.
lometimes a fireman will go to great, strenuous lengths to save a raccoon hat’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and ki|| several jf them for amusement.
Ihey debated the NAFTA trade bill for a long time; should we sign jt or not? Either way, the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the. traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating “which policy is better for America,” don’t bend over.
roperty is theft. Nobody owns anything. When you die, it sjtays here. I read about these billionaires: Sam Walton 20 billion, Dan;je| Ludwig 15 billion. They’re both dead. They’re gone, and the moiney is still here. It wasn’t their money to begin with. Property is theftt.

dog in line, walk him past the fur shop a couple of
litre OK only two places in the uiorld: outr litre and outr there. HUH CHOCOLATE 15 fOR
I hauE a photograph of Judge Bork. but it doesn’t do him justice.
Have you ever wondered why Republ icans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time, [finally accepted )esus. Not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
t used to be, cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Rocket 88! Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima. Tercel! What the fuck kind of lifeless, pussy names are these? Further proof America has lost its edge.
I’m starting a campaign to have Finland removed as a country. We don’t
need it.
hat a spot! You’re in surgery, the anesthetic wears off, and as | you wake up you realize that someone in surgical clothing is carrying one of your legs over to a garbage can. The surgeon, holding a large power saw, says, “We’re all out of anesthetic, but if you’ll hold on real tight to the sides of that gurney, I’ll have that other leg off in a jiffy.”

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GEORGE

C A R L I N

egarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he’s worried about his child’s innocence, and I’ll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop, but it doesn’t
sound like there’s a whole lot to do in a place like that.
here’s an odd feeling you get when someone on the sidewalk moves slightly to avoid walking into you. It proves you exist. Your mere existence caused them to alter their path. It’s a nice feeling. After you die, no one has to get out of your way anymore.
Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckin’ empty little heads off. lorena Bobbit only did what men do to each other all the time: She showed an asshole she meant business.
Americans are fucked. They’ve been bought off. And they came real cheap: a few million dirt bikes, camcorders, microwaves, cordless phones, digital watches, answering machines, jet skis, and sneakers with lights in them. You say you want a few items back from the Bill of Rights? Just promise the doo-fuses new gizmos.
I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it’s not a movie. No, especially when it’s not a movie.

piog,ammir>g flaw, many computer calculations,
Tun t « ai and pensions, will oe throw o», by ,he
of 1 yL 2000. It’s because many computer programs
” as, two digits for calculating years. It will cos,
rj-^’oobilll dollars to correct ,,smiS,a,e.rm

glad., like anything that causes trouble.

except rage, because it takes strength to show soft

mide. Then they kill someone.

e: The Black Hills are sacred Indian ground.
ancestors for eternity.
h0 are all these people whose eyeglasses are attached to straps and bands around their necks? Please! Folks. Too precious Hold your glasses, or set them down like the rest of us. Or perhaps, strange as it sounds, put them on. You need a dual correction? Get some bifocals.

IO2

rain d…» o p p…I..« 9 …»
GEORGE C A R L I N

housework/homework
houseboy/homeboy
housebreaker/ho mewrecker
housekeeper/homemaker

That thing you live in? Is it a house, or is it a hom&? Developers sell homes, but people buy houses.

Most people don’t mind if you put ‘em in a house. But under no circumstances do they want you to put ‘em in a home, Unless it’s a happy home. A happy home is not the same as a happy h^use. A happy house is one that’s just been cleaned and painted. You’d be happy, too.

The madam Polly Adler once said, “A house is not a home.” Of course, she meant a whorehouse is not a home. And it’’s not; no one would ever go to a whore home. Except a really old whore. That’s where they go: The Old Whore’s Home.

orrosiTE-sAHE-orrosiTE

Sometimes the same words mean opposite things. Sometimes the opposite is true. Shock absorbers are called shocks. Slow down and slow up are interchangeable. Bad taste is tasteless. Sports ifans say “turf” when they mean artificial turf. Something invaluable is; very valuable. I’ll bet you could care less. Or maybe you couldn’t care ieSs. Same difference. By the way, is it “from here on in” or “from he:re on out”?

X Palsable celery
X The Arionese Syberation Limby
X Footday Night Monball
X Daise Don’t Please the Eatsies
X A knocknical techout
X The New Bork Yockerknickers
X Beach the Combdanner
X Sylstoner Vallest
X Cronker Waltite
X The Unington of Washiversity
X Third Enkinders of the Close Count
X Kind Enclosures of the Third Count
X The Inhuldable Crelk
X Circy Flython’s Pything Montus
X The Delaseverty Sixenty Philyers

GEORGE CARL I N
WHAT’S nr norivATion? <

What’s all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. Serial killers stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans. I’m not sure motivation is always a good thing. You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.
HE 6E0R0E CAR1II
BOOKQUI
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Offer #2: ADVICE AND SEIE-HELP TITLES
Where to Go for a Free Fuck

Eat, Run, Stay Fit, and Die Anyway X You Give Me Six Weeks and I’ll Give You Some Bad Disease X Why You Should Never Mambo with a Policeman X The Stains in Your Shorts Can Indicate Your Future X Earn Big Money by Sitting in Your Car Trunk

brain droppings
«£ Where to Take a Short Woman

; Gave Up Hope and It Worked Just Fine

Why You Should Never Yodel During an Electrical Storm

Fill Your Life with Croutons
** 5u Ways to Screw Up Before Breakfast
% I Suck, You Suck
X Reorganizing Your Pockets
X Where to Hide a Really Big Snot
X Why You Must Never Give Yourself a Neck Operation
X The Wrong Underwear Can Kill
X Now You Can Cure Cancer by Simply Washing Up
X Lightweight Summer Ensembles to Wear on the Toilet
X Why No One Should Be Allowed Out Anymore
X A Complete List of People Who Are Not Making Progress
X Where to Throw Up Secretly
X Ten Things No One Can Handle at All
X Why You Should Not Sit for More Than Six Weeks in Your Own Filth
THEIIEWZODIAC

We need new zodiac signs. The old ones depict an obsolete world: the archer, the water bearer, and—talk about obsolete—the virgin. What we need are modern zodiac signs that represent today’s reality:
The Serial Rapist, the Lone Gunman, the Suicide Bomber, the

106

GEORGE CARL
Paranoid Schizophrenic, the Transsexual Crackhead, the Money Launderer, the Disgruntled Postal Worker, the Diseased Homeless Veteran the South American Drug Lord, the Third-Generation Welfare Recipient the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, and … the Personal Trainer!

In case you’re one of those people who doesn’t relate well to the real world, here’s a nice, safe zodiac for you: the Soccer Mom, the Sensitive Male, the Special Needs Child, the Role Model, the Overachiever, the Jogger, the Little Leaguer, the Recycler, the Anchorperson, the Codependent, the Domino’s Delivery Boy, and … the Recovering Shopaholic.

brain droppings

ver in too big a hurry that I can’t stop and watch someone else’s suf-f ring. The bigger the accident the better, as far as I’m concerned. I

anna see some guy whose neck is part of his gas tank. And if I can’t see enough from my particular vantage point? I’ll ask the policeman to bring the bodies over a little closer to my car. “Say, officer! Could you bring that twisted chap over here a little closer? I’ve never seen a man shaped quite like that.” That’s why the police are here: to protect, to serve, and to bring the bodies over a little closer to your car.
[MS IV

6IVE A HOOT

I don’t give a hoot. Not since 1959. That was the last one I gave. Wait! I think I gave a hoot in 1967. Just one. As a favor to a friend. But that was it. I’m not even sure I have any left. Frankly, I’d be afraid to look. I think I’m all out of hoots. If you want one, you’re gonna have to find it on your own. Maybe you could rent a hoot. Or steal one. I’ll bet by now there’s a black market in hoots. Hot hoots. By the way, in addition to those who don’t give a hoot, there are many others who will not take a hoot. Too proud. These are the same people who will not take any guff. But they might give you some lip.
BRinO THE BODY CLOSER