Boyfriend (7 page)

“Hey.” I smiled, trying my best to look like it was my first time meeting her.    She blew a curl from her eye and laughed.

“What?”  Kerry asked.

“Nothing. You guys are just cute.” 

I squeezed Kerry’s hand. 

“Thanks.” Kerry smiled. “Jayna’s Grandmother lived in the Bronx so she spent a lot of time in New York,” she said looking at me.

Jayna smiled. “Oh, that’s right.  You’re from New York, right?”

I nodded.  “Yeah, Queens.”

“I hear the accent,” Jayna said laughing.

“It’s cute, right?” Kerry gave me a goofy face, and I stuck my tongue at her.  “So, what’re you doing tonight?” she asked looking back at Jayna.

“Ana’s coming by.  We may head over to this frat party but first do a little pre-gaming at Chris’s dorm.”

“Jaynaaaa,” Kerry whined. “Chris? Really?”

Feeling uncomfortable, I leaned back against Kerry’s dresser.

“Not everyone can find Mr. Perfect like you, Kerry.” Jayna smiled wider but was unable to hide a hint of irritation from her face.

Kerry looked at me and I brought her hand to my lips.

Jayna stared at us for a moment and then smirked. “He looks just as good with his clothes on.” 

I looked at Kerry who looked back at me confused.   Nervous, I laughed.

“He didn’t tell you? I walked in on him a couple of days ago comfortable in your bed.  I think you had stepped out or something.”  She nudged me and smiled.  “I can’t believe you didn’t tell her.”

Stunned, I said nothing.

Kerry looked at me.  “He was probably embarrassed.”

I smiled and nodded.  “Yeah,” I agreed.  She looked relieved. 

“He didn’t have anything to be embarrassed about,” Jayna said looking me up and down. 

I looked at Kerry to see if she felt as uncomfortable as I did.   She just looked at Jayna, her head cocked to the side with a small smile on her face.  I couldn’t quite place her look.

“You didn’t see anything,” I said trying to divert what had started to seem like a set up. 

“That’s what I meant.” Jayna laughed.  “What did you think I meant?”

I shook my head feeling taken aback and agitated by the game she was playing.  Kerry let go of my hand, opened her dresser and began stuffing a few things into her backpack. 

“I’m going to stay by Nate for a couple of days, J,” Kerry said.  “Maybe we can meet up for lunch after Literature tomorrow.”

“Okay, I
know
you have a lot to tell me.” Jayna chuckled looking from me to Kerry.  Kerry smiled, clearly uncomfortable.

“I’ll call you,” Kerry said as she took my hand.  I barely managed to wave ‘Goodbye’ before Kerry shuffled me out of her dorm to head back to my apartment.

***

“Baby…”

It was shortly after midnight and Kerry sat on the edge of my bed in one of my long T-shirts.  She had just gotten out of the shower and she was rubbing lotion into her arms, her body shimmering in the light of the sweet candles she had lit.  I sat at her feet, inches from her, stealing kisses on her bare knees, smiling as she smoothed the lotion past each inch of her skin working her way down her legs.  I loved her like this, in my T-shirt, in the candlelight, the night air creeping in through my window.

“Yes?” I said, stealing another kiss to her knee.  She smiled.

“I think I need to go home and visit my parents.” 

Unable to contain myself, I joined her on the bed, sitting down behind her and wrapping my arms around her waist.  She put the lotion down beside her, took a deep breath and leaned into me.  I ran my hands along the side of her thighs, smoothing the remnants of the lotion into her skin.

“Why?” I said kissing her neck.  She laughed again.

“Because we have barely come up for air for three weeks.”

“Has it been that long?” I murmured, burying my face into her neck and pulling her into me tighter.  I wondered how one weekend turned into three so quickly.

“Probably longer,” she said turning and kissing me.  Since our first night together, Kerry and I had barely spent a moment a part.  From the minute she woke up, to the moment she went to bed, I longed to be around her, inside her, and consumed by her.  When she was in class, I drowned in thoughts of her, the way she let me touch her, hold her and kiss her.  Her innocence and vulnerability were like drugs.  She made no secrets about craving me, the newness of sex awakening every piece of her.  She eagerly accepted everything I wanted to teach her and I gladly played her teacher. 

“Seriously,” she said, pulling away, flustered at the intensity of our kiss.  “My dad is worried I have been spending too much time with you.  He thinks I have been losing focus.  Last time we talked, he threatened to visit.”

I stared at her for a moment, contemplating the possibility.  “Maybe you should go.  I’m not sure I can look him in the eye knowing everything I have done to his daughter.” 

We laughed and I kissed her again, pulling my T-shirt off her and watching her as she lay down on her back.  I quickly took off my T-shirt and shorts, discarding them on the bed beside us.   I stood in front of her naked and watched her watch me.  I reached into the drawer beside my bed to pull out my box of condoms. 

“Shit, I think we used the last one this morning,” I said unable to hide my frustration. 

Kerry sat up staring at me.  “I really want you inside me, Nate.”

“You want me to stop and go buy some condoms now?” I asked in disbelief.

“No,” she said sitting up and wrapping her arms around me and pulling me on top of her. 

“Kerry,” I protested. 

“I’m on birth control.”

“I know but…”  I started.  She pulled me closer to her and gazed into my eyes. 

“I want to feel you,” she breathed.

It was all I needed.  I rushed into her, burying my head in her neck as I pushed in.

“Kerry…” I mumbled.  She ran her hands along my chest and pulled me closer.  She felt beautiful, so soft, so warm and so wet.  I looked into her eyes and she stared into mine, moaning softly and spreading wider to allow me to get deeper.  I rested one hand beside her head and the other gripping her thigh as I slipped in and out slowly.  She smiled and kissed me deeply.  I kissed her back, my mouth dancing with hers, our tongues playing a game of cat and mouse.   I paused for a moment lingering inside her, staring at her lips, her eyes, her skin, her hair and her body beneath mine.  I watched as tiny beads of sweat formed on her body.  Our breaths creating a beautiful beat.  I was confused by what I was feeling and fighting the urge to run from it. Softly, she ran her thumb down my face.

“Are you okay, baby?” she asked. I looked at her thumb to see the traces of a tear on her finger.  Surprised, I looked away.  She turned my face back towards hers and kissed me again, wrapping her arms around my waist as I began to move inside of her.     

When we finished, we lay beside each other, breathing heavy.  I took her hand, weaving my fingers in hers.  She kissed my shoulder and stared up at me, resting her arm across my chest and closing her eyes.  

“You think everyone is like this?”

“Like what?” I said, letting go of her hand and pulling her closer.

“Us.” She sighed.

“No,” I whispered into her hair.  Holding her tight, I closed my eyes.

CHAPTER SIX

“It’s your sister…”

The early sunlight peered quietly through the window.  I lifted my face from where I lay nestled in my pillow and buried under my comforter.  I hadn’t sleep that well in a while… if ever.  The bed still smelled like us, and I wasn’t ready to get up.  Kerry stood beside my bed, fully dressed with her hand on my shoulder.  She looked at me concerned and sat down next to me.

“What?”

“Your sister is here.”

I looked around my room, confused for a moment as to where I was.  Natalie?  Here? 

“I thought you’d be excited…” Kerry trailed, genuinely concerned.  As far as Kerry knew, I had no problem with my younger sister.  All she knew was a collection of well-told lies.  She didn’t know us, our childhood and the things we had survived.

“I am,” I lied.  “Let me just pull on some clothes.”

Partially satisfied, she nodded and left the room. 

I had not seen or spoken to Natalie since the weekend of my father’s accident.  Since I had walked away and left her behind.  I was shocked that she was able to find where I lived, scared about what she had said or would say to Kerry and even more nervous about what she would want.

Natalie stood in our living room wearing an oversized gray knit sweater and dark blue skinny jeans.  At first glance, I would not have recognized her.   Her long hair was shaved off close to her scalp.   She had a cigarette tucked behind her ear and a silver ring pierced into her bottom lip.   She was skinnier than when I had last seen her, her normal curvy frame swimming in her sweatshirt.  Behind her, stood a man I did not recognize.  He looked older than her, likely in his mid-to-late twentie9s.  His dusty blonde hair was pulled back in a low ponytail, and he was wearing a sweatshirt, jeans and a black backpack.  His eyes darted around the room.  I turned back to Natalie who was watching me watch him with a small smirk.  He looked nervous.

“Heyyyy,” I sang with false enthusiasm, my arms stretched out for a hug.  Her eyes softened a bit, and she walked toward me to accept my embrace.

“I met your adorable girlfriend,” she said smiling with a sheepish look in her eyes.  “This is my fiancé, Chris.” She motioned towards the man next to her.  Surprised, I shook his hand. 

“Don’t worry,” she started. “We’re waiting until we are married.”  They both laughed.  I cringed.  “So,” Natalie continued with a playful glint in her eye plopping down on the couch and motioning for me to sit.  “Surprised?”

I laughed, sitting down and looking at Kerry who studied the two of us from a black folding chair by the television.  “Yeah, what are you doing here?”

“I’m not staying,” she began. “We’re headed to Atlanta.  Chris and I needed to get the fuck out of New York.”  She pulled the cigarette from behind her ear, reached into her pocket and pulled out a lighter.  “Mind?” she said motioning towards Kerry.  Kerry shook her head and looked at me.  Before I could answer, Natalie lit her cigarette, took a long drag and took a slow look around my apartment, exhaling. 

She was different.  Last time I saw Natalie she was a timid, scared girl begging for my protection.  Now, she was a woman whose face was laced in steel.  Her eyes looked wild and unbridled.  Her frustration, her resentment, and her anger were seeping from her.  I was terrified of where it all might lead.

“So this is where you live, huh?” she said, breaking the silence.

“Yup,” I said.  Her eyes rested on me.  The iciness of her stare made me turn away.  “How did you find it?” I asked glancing at Kerry who stared at Natalie.

“We share a mother, idiot,” she said laughing.  I smirked, wishing I could hide in my skin.  “I don’t know why you look so uncomfortable, Nate. I told you I was going to get out of there...  home, sweet fucking, home,” she continued, taking another drag of her cigarette. “After you left, I told Ma what Daddy did and she threw me out,” Natalie continued with an affected carelessness. “Well, to be fair, she asked me to leave so I wouldn’t upset Daddy when he got out the hospital.  I met Chris on a nice park bench at the playground by that Catholic school up on Hollis Avenue.  He offered me a bed and cigarettes.”

She laughed and looked at Kerry who was hanging on every word. “I’m guessing Nate didn’t tell you about our fucked up family life,” Natalie said. “Nate couldn’t get out of our house fast enough,” she said laughing as she put out her cigarette in a dirty plastic cup on our coffee table.  “He had to be blazed out of his mind to even sleep in that house.”

I stared at her in disbelief, too nervous to make eye contact with Kerry and trying to figure out how to stop her from saying more. “What’s in Atlanta?”

“What was in New York?” Natalie snapped back.  She looked at Kerry again who now stared at me.  “Chris knows some people.”

“Okay, okay,” Natalie continued after a moment.  She stood.  “I know when I’m not wanted. You ready to get out of here?” she asked motioning towards Chris.

“Yeah, I have to take a piss. You got a bathroom?”  Chris asked looking around the room.  I pointed to the back and got up, feeling more relaxed knowing they were leaving. 

“When’d you do this?” I said touching the top of her head.

“A couple of months ago,” she said ducking from under my hand. 

“What I can’t touch your head?”

“I’m not the same pathetic girl you ditched in New York, Nate,” she said, looking the most like her old self since she had gotten here.

I shoved my hands in my pocket and backed away from her.  “Okay.”

Kerry stood beside me and took my hand.  I looked at her for the first time and her eyes softened.  Chris came out the bathroom and joined us.

“Let’s hit the road,” Chris said clapping his hands together.

“See you,” Natalie said as she walked to the door.

“It was nice meeting you,” Kerry called, squeezing my hand.  Natalie turned and looked from me to Kerry, to our hands, and then back at me again.

“Yeah. Good luck with that.” She laughed, turned and walked out.

***

I took the last bite of my cereal and sat back in the chair, placing my hands on my thighs.   I stared out the small window in my kitchen, which overlooked the parking lot of our apartment complex.  I watched as a young man unloaded a case of beer from his trunk, placing it on the curb before locking it.  A woman waited for him on the sidewalk, pacing back and forth and glancing at her watch.  The bright sun exploded through the cloudless sky.  I sighed and chuckled to myself.

“What?”  Kerry sat at the table across from me with one leg tucked under her.  She had been staring at a bottle of spring water, shaking it in her hand and watching it settle over and over again. 

“You have to have questions.”

“I don’t know what to say,” she said shrugging. 

We said very little to one another since Natalie left and ate our breakfast in silence.  It was hard for me to figure out whether she was angry or just felt sorry for me.  Either way, I was not happy.

“Okay,” I said rising to put my bowl in the dishwasher. 

“It was strange, Nate,” she began. “I mean, if you wanted me to know about the stuff she was talking about, you would have told me before she got here.”

                I slammed the dishwasher shut harder than I had intended and Kerry jumped.  “It’s just a bunch of shit that doesn’t matter anymore.” I leaned back against the sink and folded my arms across my chest.

“How could your past not matter?” she asked visibly upset. “How could your family not matter?”

“It just doesn’t.”

“It just makes me feel like…” she trailed.

“What?”

“I just can’t help but to feel like I don’t know you.  Like your hiding things,” she concluded.

“Hiding things?”

“I mean, ‘blazed out of his mind’,” she repeated, imitating my sister’s dry cadence.

“It’s the past, Kerry.”

“I tell you so much, Nate.  About my family. About my Dad.  You say so little when there is
so
much.”

“What do you want to know?” I asked sitting back down next to her. 

“What do you want to tell me?”

“I can’t play this game with you, Kerry.” I could feel myself growing angry. She was looking for an excuse to be mad about something that had nothing to do with her. 

“I’m not the one playing games, Nate,” she huffed.  “You lie about your past, your family… I mean, you even lied about meeting Jayna.”

“Jayna?” I said laughing.

“I’m not laughing, Nate.”

“What does Jayna have to do with anything?” I said raising my voice. I paused trying to calm myself. “My dad’s an alcoholic, Kerry.” The words tasted sour on my tongue.  Suddenly what I had struggled so hard to hide was in the room with us.  Sitting in between us. Souring what had been sweet.  I watched her face grow solemn and it made me angry.

“I didn’t know that.”

“No, you didn’t.” I could see the color drain from her face, and the tears begin to well up in her eyes.  “But tell me, what does that shit have to do with us?”

“I could have…” she started.

“What?” I yelled.  “Could have what, Kerry? Helped? Saved me?  I saved myself.”

She shook her head, tears forming in the corner of her eyes.  “No…” she started again.  It was hard seeing her like this, but the more emotional she became, the angrier I felt myself getting. 

“Then, what, Kerry? As far as I am concerned, none of that matters.  What good would it have done for us if you knew that my high school years were a cloud of smoke? Or that my fucking mother practically checked out?” I asked, spitting each syllable, raising my voice louder and leaning closer.  “You want to know how the only person that ever told me they loved me is dead?” 

She shook her head.  “I’m sorry, Nate.” She reached for me and I pushed her arms away.

“I don’t need you to feel sorry for me, Kerry.” I didn’t want her sympathy.  I didn’t want her concern.  She thought she was better than me.  All this time I thought it, but now she knew it too.  “Besides, I am not the only one hiding things, Kerry.”

“What?” Her head snapped back, surprised.

“You don’t think I’ve noticed how you’re going out of your way to avoid introducing me to your parents?”

“Nate…”

“You’re terrified of them meeting me, Kerry. You can fuck me all over D.C. but no one can know about me.”

“Nate, you know that’s not true,” she began, the tears flowing freely down her face.

“For all I know, you’re still with the dude from the picture.”

“What picture? My ex?” She laughed through her tears.

“Now
you’re
laughing?” I asked. “Yeah, you’ve been in a real hurry to go back home these days.”

“Really, Nate?” She shook her head. “Why’re you so insecure about him?  Why’re you still thinking about him?”  Her words getting louder as her sadness turned to anger.  “After everything we have done and been through, why would you bring him up?” 

“
You
had his picture up.” 

“I can’t believe this is even happening,” she mumbled to herself burying her hands in her face for a brief moment.  “Nate… I shared things with you I never shared with him.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yes.” Kerry reached for my hands and tried to look me in the eyes. 

“You mean fucking me?” I laughed. “You sure seemed like a pro at that, Kerry.”

I regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth. 

Her head whipped back as if I had smacked her.  She got up clutching her water bottle in her hand and threw it at me.  It bounced off my chest and landed on the floor beside me, the water splashing out at my feet.

“Fuck you, Nate!” She grabbed her backpack and bounded towards the door.  I had never heard her curse, the words sounded foreign coming from her mouth.

I ran towards the door grabbing her arm, and she pulled away, yanking the door open, I grabbed her again.  “I’m sorry, baby.”

“Let me go, Nate.” She struggled to free herself from my tightening grip.  Just then, Phil came sauntering towards the door.  He smiled but noticing the serious look on our faces, his expression grew solemn. 

“Is everything okay?” he asked concerned, looking more at Kerry than me.  I released her arm.

“Fine,” she said looking at him. “I’m leaving.”  She pushed past him and walked away.  I started to follow.

“Whoa,” Phil said stopping me.  I pushed him hard and backed away.  “What’s wrong with you?” he said walking in and looking around at the turned over chair and the spilled water bottle.

“My sister came by.”

“That explains so much.” Phil picked up the chair and dropped a paper towel on the spilled water.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay,” he said raising his arms in defense.

We stood in silence for a moment. 

“Well,” he began after a moment as he reached in his pocket.  “I have some treats from the ice cream man.”  He held up a dime bag of weed.  I had not smoked since I started dating Kerry.  The wall clock in the living room read 12:13pm.  I had a class at 1pm.  Fuck it. I took the bag from him.  He laughed.

CHAPTER SEVEN

Phil and I polished off the bag, did a few shots of Absolute and drank a six-pack of beer by 9pm.  I tried calling and texting Kerry over ten times before Phil threatened to throw my phone in our trash compactor.  She was refusing to pick up, and Phil warned that I was too drunk and high to speak to her even if she had.  I initially refused when Phil first suggested we go out, but I knew if I stayed I would keep drinking.

When we arrived at the party, I could barely see straight.  I grabbed a bottle of water from the bar and posted up against the wall listening to the music and watching people dance around the packed club. Phil immediately started chatting up a group of girls.

“This is Nate,” Phil said pointing in my direction.  I nodded struggling to focus on their faces.

“What’s wrong with him?”  One girl asked staring in my face. 

What’s wrong with me?
My eyes were blurring over and I smiled widely in an attempt to look normal.

“Stop smiling like that, Nate,” Phil said, leaning in and patting me on the back.  “Drink some more water.”  I drank another gulp and shook my head trying to shake off the effects of a day of drinking and getting high.

“Nate?” a voice said.  I turned to see Jayna facing me holding a cocktail.  She was wearing a short and tight blue strapless dress and very high black heels.  Her curls were loose around her face.

“Hi,” she said pressing her hand against my chest and kissing my cheek.  I tried my best to keep looking in her eyes but her body was practically popping out of her dress.  She caught me looking at her breasts and laughed.  I looked away quickly. Sober up, I told myself.  As far as I was concerned, Jayna was part of the problem.  I didn’t want to make it worse.

“Kerry told me what happened,” she said trying to be heard over the music.  “Bad boy,” she sang wagging her finger. 

I took a sip of my water looking into her eyes. Her playfulness was unexpected.  I knew she was a flirt, but I thought she would be at least slightly angry with me for the way I treated Kerry.

I shrugged.  “I tried to apologize but she won’t pick up.”

She said something, but I could not hear her over the music.  She leaned in closer.  “She’s on her way to her parents,” she said again.  I nodded, wondering if Kerry was telling her parents what happened.  I pictured her father comforting her and telling her how he knew all along that I was not who she thought I was.

We were silent for a moment watching the party.  Jayna polished off her cocktail as I finished my water.  She swayed to the music, occasionally looking at me and smiling. 

“You don’t like me,” she said, sounding more like a statement than a question.

I looked down at her and shrugged.

“Wow,” she said with a little laugh.  “Why?”

“I don’t know you, Jayna,” I began, feeling slightly more sober. She pouted.

“Do you want to?” she asked, her voice light and sweet. 

“You’re Kerry’s friend.  If she still wants to be with me, of course I want to know her friend.”  I tried to sound as casual as possible avoiding looking at her and fighting the undeniable attraction I had begun to feel.

“I love this song,” she said resting her glass on a table behind me.  She began dancing to the music and looking at me.

“Shit, Nate,” she said stopping.  “You look like your puppy just died.”

I laughed.

“She’ll get over it.” She smiled. “I promise,” she added, her eyes widening with innocence. 

She began dancing again in front of me taking my hands and moving them to the music.  I looked over at Phil who was watching me smiling.  I shook my head to stop him from getting the wrong idea.  He smiled wider. 

Jayna danced in front of me as I bobbed my head to the beat.  She moved slowly at first allowing her dress to ride up on her thighs.  She caught me looking and put her hands on the hem, toying with it as she danced in a way that made it look as though she was going to pull it up.  Jayna was sexy.  There was nothing apologetic about the way she moved her body, she knew every angle and curve.  I watched as guys around me checked her out and other girls frowned and whispered to each other.  So did she and she loved it. 

With each beat of the music, Jayna moved closer to me until she was inches in front of me.  I could feel the heat from her body.  Unable to stop myself, I placed my hand on her waist and pulled her a little closer.  Just that touch sent a thrill through my body.  She looked up at me surprised but moved with me keeping my hand against her waist and turning so her back pressed against me.  I put my other hand on her other side gently pulling her closer into me, allowing her to grind against me as we moved to the beat.

             
It’s just a dance, I tried to rationalize. Even if this got back to Kerry, it’s just a dance.

Dance or not, I could still feel myself getting excited.  I watched her ass as she moved slowly against my tip.  She knew exactly what she was doing.  She leaned closer into me reaching her arm up and back, so her palm rested on my neck.  I wrapped my arm around her waist and leaned my head down, my face near hers.  She leaned back, her mouth inches from mine.  I looked into her eyes, and she leaned closer.  I wanted to kiss her.  She wanted me to kiss her.  I wanted to take her home, and I found myself wondering if she would let me.  This was dangerous, and I knew I had to stop.