Boyfriend (14 page)

I looked at her knowing I should decline.

“Sorry I was late, guys.” Kerry walked in closing her umbrella.  Startled, Jayna stood up and embraced her. 

“Hey, baby,” I said as she pulled away from Jayna.  Kerry reached her arms around my waist and kissed me.  For some reason, I glanced over at the blonde woman who was no longer smiling but glaring at me.  She shook her head before looking away. 

“I missed you,” Kerry said.

“We’re still waiting for a table,” Jayna piped in.  I looked over at her and she looked at me, a smile in her eyes.

“How long have you been waiting?”

“I just got here,” I said.

“I was here at about a quarter to six… actually the hostess said the wait was about thirty minutes, so we should be sitting by now,” Jayna offered.

“Let me see what’s going on,” Kerry said, walking off.

“Tell her I went to make a call and met me in the bathroom,” Jayna whispered as soon as Kerry was out of earshot, squeezing my forearm.  She walked off, glancing over her shoulder and smiling at me.

“Our table is ready,” Kerry said beaming and resting her hand on my chest, clearly impressed with herself.  “Where’s Jayna?” she said taking my hand and looking around.

“Went to make a call, I think.”  I watched her take in my words.  Searching for a reason not to follow Jayna.  She smiled again and started to walk towards the dining area.  I took a step and stopped.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I just have to take a quick whiz.”

“Okay,” she said.  No reason to doubt me.  She tilted her chin up for me to kiss her.  I gave her a quick peck and smiled. 

“Just a few minutes, baby,” I added as I sprinted off to the men’s room.  It was more like ten when I met Jayna, who was waiting for me in the fourth stall as if she never doubted I would follow.

***

“I’m so happy I’m here,” Kerry said, sitting on the edge of my bed and pulling her long braids back into a ponytail.  I was lying in bed in my boxers when she emerged from the bathroom in just my T-shirt. 

My mind was still reeling from the restaurant.  Jayna and I had never been so careless.  I pictured her, skirt up and shirt folded over her breasts.  Her whole body wrapped around mine as I pounded inside of her against the wall of the bathroom stall.  When she came, she had screamed so loud I was sure the whole restaurant had heard.  Back at our table, she hugged Kerry again, gushing about how much she had missed her with laugher in her eyes. 

It was fucked up. 

It was one thing to deceive Kerry when she was away.  It was another to practically wave our middle fingers behind her back.  Every time Kerry smiled at me from across the table, I felt like I would throw up.  It took everything in me to make it through dinner.

Sitting beside me on the bed, Kerry stared at me with questions in her eyes.  She had just washed her face and her skin was bare and moist.  “Did you hear me?”

I nodded, struggling to remember what she had said.  “Me too, baby.”

“Nate,” she started, looking back at where I was leaned against a pillow propped on the headboard of the bed.  I placed my hands, fingers linked, behind my head.

“Yea?” 

“I have this feeling things aren’t okay between us.”

I shrugged, trying to hide any guilt from my face.

She continued, “When I’m in New York, you barely pick up my calls. When we
do
talk, I feel like you are distracted or you’re rushing me off the phone…”

“Kerry, do we really have to talk about this?”

“I know you’re busy, Nate… but, you were working and going to class before.”

I shook my head.  “So, you only have two nights with me and you want to fight on one of them?” I hoped my tone would deter her from asking any more questions.  

“I don’t – I don’t want to fight… I just don’t understand why you never visit me and why you barely call me. You haven’t visited me once, Nate.  I just…” She shook her head with small tears forming in her eyes.  “I just miss you.”

“I miss you, too,” I began. “But Kerry, you act like I made the choice.  You are five hours away now.  I don’t have a car.  I don’t have a lot of money.  I can’t just pick up and run to New York every time I miss you.”  I could feel the frustration begin to swell in my body. 

She turned to face me and crawled her hand onto my lap, placing her hand on my thigh. 

“I don’t want to fight,” she repeated.

Softened, I twirled a few of her braids in my fingertips.  She turned and looked at me and smiled.  She leaned down and playfully kissed my thigh over my boxers.  I laughed.  Encouraged, she kissed the other one and I laughed again pulling her ponytail lightly.

“Hey!” she said popping up and laughing.  She leaned into me, her head buried into the nape of my neck.  She kissed my neck twice.  “I love you.”

Each time those words passed through her lips, it felt like a punch to the gut.  Her raven eyes were filled with so much hope and innocence.  I could feel her belief in me, her belief in us.  Kerry was giving me everything, and I was lying to her.  I felt run over by guilt, like I was bleeding it and it was staining everything between us.  I wondered if I should just confess.  Purge myself of all that I had allowed myself to succumb to.  Take a chance that she could forgive me and what was happening between Jayna and me would just fade away.  She pulled away from where her face lay nestled in my neck and looked at me.  I studied her, searching for a reason not to feel guilty. 

“Why’re you looking at me like that?” Her voice dripped with insecurity.

“Like what?”

“Like that.”  She looked up at me from under her full lashes, and I kissed her.  “You love me, too?” she asked, pulling away and staring at me.

Too much.

I turned her over on her back, pulling her T-shirt off, studying her naked body under the dim light pouring in from the streetlight outside of my apartment.  Kerry didn’t just turn me on.  She got to me.  She got to me in a way where I never wanted to stop breathing her in on nights like this.  Jayna accepted me for who I was, but Kerry loved me for all that I wanted to be.  All she believed I was and could be.  I hated the part of me that felt so strongly, that cared so much, that could barely remember a world where she didn’t exist.  I was pretty sure I was better off having known her.  I was sure she would have been better off having
never
met me.  I traced my fingers down the middle of her breasts, down her stomach and to her thighs.  She squirmed and I smiled.

“I love you, too, baby,” I murmured. 

She pulled me onto her.  “That’s all I want, Nate.”

              I buried my face into her neck and kissed her softy.  

“It’s all I’ll ever want,” she whispered again.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Kerry came back the weekend before classes started.  Jayna and I spent our last night together secluded in her room.  Most of her things were packed in boxes, and we had sex on a single blanket on top of her mattress.  After we were done, the silence between us was awkward.  I knew what was between us had to end, but my angst over ending things was stronger than I expected.  When I left her apartment around midnight, she and I kissed passionately at her door.  It was hard to let her go, but I knew I had to if I had any chance to make things work with Kerry.  I could feel her eyes watching me from her window as I headed down her block to board the metro.

When Kerry finally returned, she fell back into my life as if she had never left.  All of the things that had seemed to pull us apart no longer felt like issues, and with her back around, it was hard for me to deny how strongly I felt for her.  We even started to make plans for when I graduated.  I would look for a job in the D.C. area, and we’d move into an apartment together off campus while she finished school.  With Phil gone most of the time and staying with Ana, nothing could have felt more natural. 

At first, Jayna would text occasionally, asking if I could meet her in some of our usual places.  I was tempted, but with Kerry always close by and the two of them still living together, I was just too paranoid we’d get caught.  Kerry was spending almost every night at my apartment.   It would have been nearly impossible for Jayna and me to find time to sneak away.  Jayna caught on quickly that I had no intentions to meet her, and it wasn’t long before her text messages stopped. 

Shortly after classes started, I got a job working for a local paper called
The Pipe Line
. An older man who frequented the bookstore where I worked told me about the job. 
The Pipe Line
, was an up-and-coming newspaper run by a group of 20-somethings interested in documenting the D.C. social scene for young adults.  They were looking for a college student to write movie and concert reviews.  Though they didn’t have much money, they offered to pay for the movies and they paid a small fee per word.  I was majoring in English, and I figured it would help me get a job when I graduated, so I applied.  The editor and I hit it off, and I was offered the job.  It was fun, I ended up being good at it, and it gave Kerry and me the opportunity to go on free dates.  

The Pipe Line
rented a small office in a building not too far from campus and offered the writers the unlimited use of the computers.  One afternoon, I was alone in the office typing up a review of the latest Spiderman movie when there was a knock at the door. 

“It’s open,” I yelled.  It was early evening, and I didn’t expect anyone to come by.  Kerry didn’t get out of class for another hour, and the other staff members had left for the day.

I looked up from the computer and Jayna stood in front of me.  Surprised, I lost my words.  I didn’t even know she knew I worked there.

“Kerry told me you worked here,” she started.  I nodded. 

“Hi,” I said sitting up in my chair wondering if she had come to confront me on avoiding her or if she expected us to pick up where we left off.  Truth was, despite my efforts to end things and my shock that she had found out where I worked, it was nice to see her.  As usual, she looked beautiful.  Her normally curly hair was blown straight and she was wearing an oversized white sweater and gray leggings.  The sweater fell off her shoulder, and a brown leather messenger bag hung from her arm.

“Hey,” she said closing the door behind her.

I was nervous.  Everyone I worked with at the newspaper knew Kerry was my girlfriend.  In fact, the editor had graduated from our college and was friends with the resident advisor in Kerry and Jayna’s dorm.  I wasn’t sure what Jayna had in mind, but I had to keep it strictly platonic.             

“I thought it would be bigger in here,” she said looking around.

“They’re looking for new office space,” I explained.  The small office consisted of three desks with computers and a few filing cabinets.  Most of the mass printing was done off site so that space was typically used by staff members like me who didn’t have their own computers. 

She nodded. “You’re a hard guy to get in touch with,” she said after a moment, smiling.

“I’ve been really busy with classes and work,” I started.

“Where have I heard that before?” she asked, chuckling.  I smiled, embarrassed. “Look,” she continued. “I’m not here to get on you about that.  I just wanted to let you know I think we should stop too.  I mean, we kind of already have… I just think it should be said, instead of pretending like it never happened.”

Surprised, I sat back in the chair. 

“Kerry is back now.  We live together.  I can’t do this to her anymore.  I can’t do this to myself,” she added.

I was silent for a moment before I spoke.  I stood up and walked to the front of the desk, leaning back against it in front of her. “You’re probably right,” I said, knowing she was.

We stood silent for a moment. 

“I should go,” she said turning to the door.

“Wait,” I said reaching for her arm. Thinking better of it, I lowered my hand.  She looked at me. “I don’t want things to be awkward between the two of us, Jayna.  Like you said, you’re Kerry’s friend, you live together...  I don’t want there to be any bad feelings between us.”

She laughed.  “No bad feelings.  As bad as it was, we had fun.”

I smiled, trying my best not to remember how much fun. 

“Okay, I’m really going to go before this gets even more awkward,” she said smirking.  I nodded.  She reached for the doorknob and looked back at me and smiled.  Our eyes joined for longer than a moment.  As adult as we were trying to be about this, our eye-fuck wasn’t getting the memo.

“See you,” she said pulling the door open. I put my hand on the doorknob, prepared to close the door behind her.  “Kerry!” she said as she turned.  Jayna stepped to the side to let Kerry walk through door, flashing me a quick look of panic.

Stay cool
.

“Jayna? What are you doing here?” Kerry glanced at me and then back at Jayna.  Jayna stepped back in and I let the door close.

“I was looking for you,” Jayna said after a moment.

“How’d you know I was going to be here? I normally have class late on Tuesdays,” Kerry said, her eyes resting on Jayna.

“Well, not for you. For Nate,” Jayna interrupted.  “I wanted to find Nate and ask him to tell you to give me a call.” 

That makes no sense
. 

“You couldn’t just call me?” Kerry asked, folding her arms across her chest. 

“I’ve been calling.  You don’t call me back,” Jayna said, poking Kerry playfully.

I snuck up behind Kerry and wrapped my arms around her.  “That’s probably my fault.  I just can’t let her go.”  Kerry allowed herself to melt back into my arms.  She sighed deeply.  Satisfied.

“I’m sorry, J,” Kerry said. “Is everything okay with you and Paul?”

Paul?

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Jayna said.

“Who’s Paul?” I asked.  Kerry looked back at me, puzzled.  I shrugged, trying to appear as though my question had no intent other than small talk.

“Jayna’s boyfriend,” Kerry said.  “This is girl talk, baby,” she joked, pulling out of my embrace and squeezing my hand.  I looked over at Jayna who avoided my eyes.  I should have known her decision to end things had nothing to do with Kerry.

“Baby, I still need to finish up this article.  Why don’t you go get something to eat with Jayna, and I will meet you at your dorm later?”

”You sure?” Kerry asked.

I nodded.  “You need to catch up right?”

Kerry looked at Jayna who smiled.  “Okay,” Kerry agreed.  I leaned down and kissed her, probably more passionately than necessary.  I looked over at Jayna who looked away, clearly uncomfortable.  Kerry pulled away, laughing.

“I’ll see you back at the dorm,” I said as they walked out.

***

Paul and Jayna had been dating seriously since two weeks before classes started.  He was a second-year law student at Georgetown and a member of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity.  Jayna had met him at a party his frat was throwing at the beginning of the summer.  They spent the whole night together and exchanged numbers.  Paul called Jayna the next day, and they talked for “five straight hours” on the telephone.

“Who does that?” Kerry had gushed. 

Kerry thought Paul was “good” for Jayna.  He was serious about her almost instantly and when Kerry met him, she told me he couldn’t take his eyes off of Jayna.  I was pretty sure Jayna and I fucked on the couch in my apartment the same night they met.

I didn’t meet Paul until Halloween.  Kerry had been pushing a double date for weeks, and for obvious reasons, Jayna and I tried hard to avoid it.  Kerry finally convinced me to go with her to a Halloween party that Paul and his roommates were throwing.  I figured it would be far less awkward than a dinner or movie and less likely that he would be able to pick up anything still lingering between Jayna and me. 

When we arrived at the frat house, it was packed.  We could barely find a parking space along the narrow Georgetown streets and when we finally did, we had to walk about three blocks to get back to the party.  The lawn was packed with superheroes, slutty cheerleaders, doctors and nurses.  Kerry went as a “roaring twenties flapper.”  She wore a short black wig with bangs and a blue dress with fringes that shook when she walked.   She made me wear a gray trilby, white collared button down shirt with a pinstripe suit vest.  Phil couldn’t stop laughing when he saw me dressed up before we left. 

There was a fire pit and a keg in the backyard of the frat house and the music blared from a large amplifier on the lawn.  It was chilly but with the large crowd mashed together and dancing closely, it felt like a summer night.

“This is crazy,” Kerry said wrapping her arms around me.  “I had no idea so many people were going to be here.”

“Maybe we should just say what’s up and leave,” I said looking down at her, running my fingers through the bangs of her wig.  She looked cute. 

“You look so handsome.” She looked up at me smiling.  “You should dress up more.”

“Oh, yeah?” I laughed. 

“Hey,” a beefy guy in a cop costume interrupted. 

“Hey!” Kerry said pulling away from me and embracing him. “Don’t arrest me,” she said when she let go.  He laughed.  “This is Nate.  Nate, this is Paul.”

“What’s up, man?” He reached out to shake my hand.  Paul was a couple inches shorter than me, medium build with long dreads pulled back underneath his cop hat.

“What’s up?” I shook his hand.

“I’m glad you guys made it,” he continued. “It’s crazy how many people showed up.”  He looked around the party in disbelief. 

“Where’s Jayna?” Kerry asked.

“She
was
right here,” he said.  “I’m not sure where she went.”  Kerry pouted.

“Where’s your bathroom?” I asked, after a moment, suddenly feeling claustrophobic.

“If you go in the back door, there’s one right off the kitchen,” he started.  “But last time I went in there, it was looking pretty gross.  You can go to the one upstairs, but don’t let anyone see you going up there.  I don’t know who half these people are.” 

I nodded.  “Thanks, man.  You okay by yourself?” I said to Kerry.  She nodded. 

***

It was a relief to make it to the top level of the house after fighting my way past the swarms of people.  Upstairs seemed eerily quiet in comparison and when I closed the door to the bathroom, the voices and music sounded muffled and far away.  When I was done, I stared in the mirror for a moment and enjoyed the sort-of silence.  I had pushed what had happened between Jayna and me over the summer so far into the recesses of my brain, I had almost convinced myself it hadn’t happened.  Seeing Paul and anticipating seeing Jayna flooded me with a mixture of feelings I thought I had forgotten about. 
Don’t fuck up
, I thought to myself.  I opened the bathroom door and prepared to head downstairs.

“Nate?”

I looked up, and Jayna was coming out of a closed door adjacent to the bathroom.  She was dressed as a jailbird.  She wore a black and white striped hat with a tight black and white striped zipper shirt.    Her breasts were pouring out of the top of her shirt and her midriff was bare.  The matching skirt flared out and stopped just below her ass.  She wore red stilettos and a pair of handcuffs were dangling from her wrist. 

I could barely look at her.

“What’re you doing up here? Kerry just texted me and told me you guys were in the backyard.” She smiled and kissed me cheek.  “You look good.”

I smiled.  “So do you.” 

She laughed, twirling around.

Goddamn, she was making this hard. 

“Paul is the cop,” she said smiling.

“Yeah, I met him.”

We were silent.

“You ready to head back down?” she asked gesturing towards the stairs.

“So are you serious about this dude?” I asked.

She laughed. “Are you serious with that question?”

“I’m just curious because we were together all summer, and you didn’t say shit about him.”

Jayna laughed again and started walking down the stairs.

“Jayna,” I said taking her arm as she took another step. 

“What?” she said turning to face me, her voice dripping in irritation.  I knew I didn’t have a right to ask her about him. She knew it too. 

I looked at her unsure of what to say.  She stood inches in front of me, her body popping out of her clothes.  I wanted to push her against the wall and lift up her skirt.  It had been too long since I had felt her and every part of me wanted her.  I had convinced myself that what happened between us over the summer was because Kerry was gone, but I couldn’t fight the fact that I wanted her even with Kerry back, even with Kerry right downstairs.

I leaned in and kissed her.  She pulled away.

“What the fuck?” she huffed struggling to pull herself from my grip, pushing herself into the wall.  She was breathing heavy.  The rise and fall of her breasts was making me dizzy.  I tried again, leaning in close to where she was against the wall, trying to wrap my arms around her waist.  She pushed me hard in the chest. 

“No, Nate! You can’t just have me again because you feel like it -- because I turn you on.  I’m with Paul and you made it perfectly clear when Kerry got back that you were done with me.”

I took a step back from her, my mind racing.  “Do I look done?” I said gesturing to my pants.  I was rock hard.

“Oh my god,” she said laughing and taking another step down the stairs.  Changing her mind, she turned and stormed back up the stairs to where I stood, her finger pointing at me so hard she made slices in the air.  “You really are fucking insane, you know that? You want her because she makes you feel like you are something you’re not, and you want me sitting around waiting for when you get tired of playing a role.”

I sighed taking a step closer to her.  She was inches from my face.  “Put your finger down,” I said quietly.  She wasn’t mad; she
wanted
to be mad.  She thought she should be mad.  I wanted her, and I knew she wanted me.  The games needed to stop.

She shook her head and lowered her hand.  I took a step closer and she stepped back, her back pressed into the wall.  I rested my hand against the wall beside her, and I snuck my other hand around her waist and kissed her.  She started to protest again, but I kissed harder, reaching under her skirt.  She was wearing thongs. Greedily, I grasped her bare ass in my hands.  She moaned, relenting and kissing me hard, pulling me into her by my pants, rubbing purposefully into me.  We kissed sloppily, grinding against the wall and breathing hard.  I buried my face in her neck, kissing and licking, making my way down to her breasts as she wrapped her hands around my head, holding onto the brim of my hat with both hands.   I reached up her skirt to pull down her thongs, but just as I did someone walked past the stairs.  They didn’t look up the dark staircase, but the close call stopped us both.