Bound to Be Mine (South Jersey Bound Series) (5 page)

“I changed?” Lisa raised her eyebrows.

“A little.”
Jillian scrunched her nose.

Lisa twirled a lock of her hair around her finger. Was she really surprised her friends had seen a difference? Hadn’t she felt herself slipping—little by little? Hadn’t her body grown less sensitive, her mind more cynical?

“Wait,” she said. “Did you think dancing was changing me even
before
Ben left?”

“Yes, actually.”
Christina’s tone was matter-of-fact. “Though you’ve been better since he left. For a while there, it seemed like you had given up completely.”

Jillian nodded.

Lisa drew her brows together and tried to remember. She’d felt numb at the club for a very long time, but hadn’t realized her numbness had been noticeable outside of The Oasis. Had Ben noticed as well?

“You didn’t realize how detached you’d become?” Christina asked. “Does that mean you’re quitting for Ben?”

Jillian nudged Christina with her foot. “Of course she isn’t quitting for Ben. She’s probably been thinking about this for weeks.”

“Jillie’s right. I’ve been thinking about this for a while.”

Ben, however, had been the catalyst. When she’d seen him standing against that column, something had permanently shifted. He was real, the rest was not. She realized how much she longed for real connection, and how far away connection would remain—not just with Ben, but with anyone—as long as she was dancing.

“Why didn’t you tell me you disapproved of my dancing?” Lisa asked.

Christina and Jillian exchanged glances.

“We didn’t disapprove exactly. We just thought it might not be good for you anymore,” Christina said. “I’m sure it’s fine for some, just not for you.”

“We were going to talk to you,” Jillian said, wrinkling her nose. “Sort of stage an intervention. But then Ben left, and we thought you needed to recover before you could think of making other changes.”

Lisa slumped. “Encouraging
to know you both had so much faith in me.”

“We did—no—we
do
.” Jillian replied, rubbing Lisa’s arm. “Look how well you’ve done for yourself.”

Lisa arched a brow. “Oh yes. I’m a paragon.”

“You have a great apartment,” Jillie said defensively. “And you’ve gotten really into your Yoga. You are happier.”

Yes, she was.
Happy, but incomplete.

“What are you going to do now?” Christina asked.

“I have money saved. And I’ve been taking instructor certification classes at my yoga studio. The owner offered me a job. If I do that, along with another part-time job, I’m pretty sure I can cover my bills.”

“Oh, that’s a great idea!” Jillian said.

“It’s not the kind of money I’m used to. But I’ll figure something out.”

“You could move in with me,” Christina offered.

A warm feeling stole into Lisa’s heart. “Thanks, Chris―” She squeezed her friend’s hand. “―but I like my place. Besides, it would be a bit crowded with your son.”

“Well, the offer stands.” Christina clamped her mouth shut and looked away.

Lisa knew that look. “What aren’t you saying, Christina?”

Christina hesitated. “Today isn’t about me.”

“No worries,” Lisa said. “I’m all straightened out…almost, anyway.”

“Yeah, she’s fine,” Jillie said with a wink. “Tell us what’s up, Chris.”

“Michael decided he wants to go to a private prep school next year.” Christina sniffed. “My ex is willing to pay.”

“Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry,” Jillian said.

Lisa turned her full attention to Christina. Lisa certainly had enough to think about, but she’d do it later. Right now, her friend needed her.

****

Lisa closed Ben’s little black book and set it on her coffee table. By habit, she meandered into her kitchen and poured herself another glass of wine. With a shaking hand, she opened the fridge to replace the bottle, and then changed her mind. What she’d read called for more than just a single glass. She carried the nearly full magnum back into the living room.

Jillian had been right, damn it. When Ben had apologized, he hadn’t been apologizing for leaving.

Lisa rubbed her forehead. But neither had her worst fear been true—he wasn’t ashamed of her sub nature.
Not exactly.

He had been apologizing for exploring their darkest desires, for the games they played.

She could barely follow his logic, but he seemed to think he had forced her to do the things they’d done, that he’d taken her to a place she hadn’t wanted to go. He’d been so sure he’d hurt her, he’d started going to a Sex Addicts Anonymous group.

She drank deep.

What
was
a sex addict anyway? Hadn’t she read somewhere that sex addicts dissociate? That they separate mind and body?

When she and Ben were in a scene, she, at least, was absolutely connected to the present—meditative, almost.

He’d written that he hadn’t wanted to leave, but, when he’d seen her slipping away, he had known he must. He believed she had hardened herself against the world because of him.

Worst of all were his personal reflections. He wrote that the root of what they shared must have been his aggression.

She winced.

Sure, she knew he’d had anger problems as a kid. He bore a slightly crooked nose to prove it. Bits and pieces of his past had come out over the years—a stepfather who was an alcoholic, a mother living in fear of her husband’s rages. But Ben had never resorted to solving a problem with his fists when they were together—not with her, not with anyone. He always treated her with respect. And he never abused alcohol.

He described their sexual power-plays as aberrant, unhealthy.

Just because their desires weren’t ones she’d want broadcast to her family, didn’t mean he was a
sex addict
.

To call what she and Ben shared aberrant and unhealthy was wrong.
Puritanical, stupid, and wrong.

She had not thought Ben uncomfortable with his own tendencies. In fact, she
knew
he had been more than fine with being her Master. She’d spoken online to other subs who had dabbled in the life and they’d sighed when she’d described Ben’s level of attentiveness.

Christina and Jillian had said they had noticed her change. Apparently, Ben noticed as well, and he’d attributed it to their lifestyle.

Could he be right? Could their dominance and submission games be the reason she had changed? Or, had Jillian and Christina been right to blame the dancing?

Lisa sunk into her pillows and took another sip of wine. She had the urge to drink and drink and drink until her emotions were well and truly shrouded in a drunken fog.

No. She set her glass on the coffee table. She would not hide. She picked up her phone and dialed Jillie.

“Hello!”

“Hi, Jillie. It’s Lisa.”

“I sort of guessed—you know, since your name came up.”

Lisa blinked. “Right.”

“What’s up?”

“I read the book.”

“And?”

“And…” Lisa hesitated. She had never told her friends about her needs and her nature. Sure, she had told Christina and Jillian sex with Ben had been amazing—but she had never given up the whole truth. “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Sure, hon, what is it?”

“Ben thinks he made me lose myself,” Lisa blurted out.

“Ah. That
would
explain his apology. Did he say why?”

“Because…” Lisa paused, uncertain how much she wanted to reveal. Was she ashamed? No. Lisa took a deep breath and trusted her friend to understand.
“Because we did a lot of experimenting, sexually. You know, ropes and restraints and things. And he thinks he―or rather some long-buried aggression―pushed me to it. Oh, and he thinks what we did makes him a sex addict.” A little hysterical laugh bubbled up. “He’s in a twelve-step program, for chrissake.”

Jillian was silent for so long, Lisa checked the phone to make sure the call had not been lost.

“Is he?” Jillian finally asked. “Is he a sex addict?”

Jillian’s casual question made Lisa’s eyebrows rise, but the knot in her chest unwound.

“No,” Lisa said. “At least I don’t think so. I don’t know what a sex addict is.”

“I suppose it’s like an alcoholic—like, maybe someone whose sexual behavior causes their personality to change,” Jillian suggested. “Or maybe it’s someone whose need for sex blots out everything else?”

Lisa’s gut seized. “I don’t think either of those things are true for Ben,” Lisa said. “I don’t know what would have made him think so!”

Reading his thoughts had been more than painful. That he thought himself deviant made Lisa feel debased in a way she never imagined. Odd that he’d drawn her naked body across his lap and spanked her, he’d bound her with ropes and set nipple clamps to her tits, but she’d never felt debased—not until he had denied who they were.

“Lisa, didn’t Ben’s mom ask his stepdad go to a twelve-step program after he got arrested for fighting?” Jillian asked, her voice soft and understanding.

“Yes,” Lisa breathed, surprised she hadn’t made the connection before. “And Ben’s stepdad has been sober ever since. I can hardly believe the guy was once the monster Ben described. The program saved Ben’s mother’s marriage.”

“Were you ever uncomfortable with anything you did?”

“No, I was never uncomfortable with anything we did. We always used safe words, and he was always careful. It was rough, but I was never truly hurt,” Lisa said definitively. She didn’t even need to think about it. When they were together, the intimacy had always been beautiful, even when it included pain.

Especially
when it included pain.

In those times, they
had
to stay connected, they had to move through the game slowly. Ben had always made sure they stayed together while she processed each sensation.

“What if he thought he was hurting you, changing you?” Jillian asked.

Lisa sighed. “Well, I considered that. You said today that I changed. Whatever I was going through…that’s what he was reading and he blamed himself.”

“It sounds like you have it all figured out.”

“Maybe I do,” Lisa replied, realizing it was true.

“What are you going to do about it?” Jillie asked.

Well, Lisa closed her eyes and stretched out her legs, there was only one thing to do.

“If I went to him, would that make me a loser?” Lisa asked.

“No, hon. I’d consider you very brave,” Jillian said softly.

“Christina wouldn’t think so.” Lisa snorted.

“That’s her issue, not yours,” Jil said. “Do you love him, Lisa?”

“Yes,” she sighed.
“More than anything.”

“Can you be happy with him?”

“Yes,
if
he accepts who he is, who I am, who we are together.”

“Then trust yourself. Go and get him.”

****

Ben hovered in the vestibule at Helga’s Diner for ten long minutes. Lisa had asked him to meet her here, so he had come directly after work. He was going to miss tonight’s SAA meeting, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

Lisa needed him, he came…cause and effect, natural as night following day.

Through the glass, he saw Lisa in a far booth, flipping the pages of her romance novel. The story played on her face—she scowled, she smiled, she sighed.

Damn, he loved her so much he couldn’t breathe.

“Going out?” A customer held the door for him.

“Thanks, but no.” Ben shook his head. “Looks like I’m all in.”

He pulled back his shoulders and headed in to face the battle.

“Sorry I’m late, Lisa,” Ben said.

Lisa closed her book and looked up. “You came exactly when expected—ten minutes late. When have you ever been on time?”

Ben’s heart pinched. To escape her knowing expression, he kissed the top of her head. She smelled like springtime, mystery and woman. He fought the urge to drag her up from the bench and wrap her tightly in his arms.

Instead, he slid into the booth on the opposite side. He reached out and pushed her bangs away from her forehead, tucking the silky strands behind her ear. He couldn’t help touching her, making some small gesture that marked them as a couple, even though he no longer had the right.

She was so beautiful. Never in his life had a woman attracted him like she did. He thought the program―the steps―would ease his attraction, but it hadn’t…
not one bit
. She still lit a fire in his gut. He sucked in his bottom lip to keep from blurting out his thoughts.

She had said she needed to see him immediately, but did not seem in a rush to launch into heavy conversation. Instead, in light and caring tones, she asked him about his work, his family, his life.