Bound by Bliss (41 page)

“Are you drifting off into deep thoughts?” Stephan asked, pulling her back. “You have that look about you.”

“I was just wondering about Swanston and Louisa. I do not understand what goes on between them.”

A gentle pull on the pearls. “I would rather not think of them today. And I certainly do not wish to think of what goes on between them.”

“I didn’t mean…” But the image had been planted in her mind and she could not shake it. “No. Let us not think of them.”

“You know my aunt is taking credit for our match.”

“How…? I mean…She didn’t even take me to tea. In fact she warned me against you. It was only after Lady Perse rescued me at Madame Rouge’s that she even became willing to think of our marriage. I don’t see how she can…”

He chuckled. “That is what my aunt does best—and I am sure in her own mind she does believe that somehow she brought us together—or at least that she would have prevented our marriage if she had not deemed it suitable. She has always been partial to me and I confess I’ve been waiting for her to start parading sweet young virgins before me. Perhaps that is why I chose you. I could not bear to be subject to such a spectacle.”

Bliss held back the full description of her original conversation with Lady Perse. It did not matter now and she did not want to injure his relationship with his aunt. She did not think he would take well to knowing that Lady Perse had at one point forbidden their relationship. “And so you had to settle for one not-so-sweet, not-so-young virgin.”

“You certainly are young. You forget how many years I’ve waited for you to grow up. And I am quite confident that I know how to keep you sweet. As for the virginal, I must admit I did not think it mattered, but now I find it adding an extra something to my thoughts about this evening. Who knew that innocence could hold such attraction?”

She swallowed and hoped her cheeks had not grown too red, although she supposed a bride was meant to blush on her wedding day. “I should go and speak to my father. I have hardly had a chance to greet him all morning—and I’d best find out what his laughter is about. I do hope he is not planning on giving us a breeding pair as a wedding present. One never knows with the duke.”

“A breeding pair? Of llamas?”

“Or rabbits. Or kittens. Or Indian elephants. You truly never know with him.”

Stephan stared down at her, his face unreadable yet calm. “We will manage whatever comes.”

She blinked—and blinked again. Nobody ever reacted to her father with calm. Some laughed, some cried, some swore, and some turned up their noses, but nobody ever stayed calm. “Are you sure?”

“Very, but go talk to your father and make your reassurances. Despite what you might think, he is your father and I am sure that he worries. Although I admit that I would prefer kittens to elephants. And if by chance we were to end up with some of those greyhounds that I saw him with last summer that would actually be to my…pleasure.” He dropped the pearls that he still held and they landed with a soft sway against her skin, a thousand bolts of feeling spreading through her.

God, the man simply said the word “pleasure” and her knees trembled. “I will see what I can do. The duke does like to make people happy.”

“Good.” Stephan smiled warmly at her and more than her knees trembled. “And Bliss…”

She started to step away, but turned back. “Yes?”

“Be sure that you save your strength for later. Don’t let anyone, not your father or my aunt, tire you out. I want you to save all of your…your attention for later.”

His eyes traced her, from top to bottom, a physical touch.

Later. She shivered. Later. Desire and nerves curling together.

Despite all her wants, all her plans, she wasn’t sure—was she ready for her wedding night?

—

Duldon stared across the room as his wife slipped out of the room. His wife. Bliss was his wife. Bliss was finally his. He savored the thought. Bliss was his. He watched the gentle sway of her hips, the soft flow of silk skirts about long thin legs, legs he’d fantasized about for months—no, for years. So why were his hands suddenly clammy? He had dreamed of this, worked for it, planned for it. There was no reason for nerves now. And he was a man who rarely felt fear.

Only…

Bliss was out of sight and Duldon felt a slow breath leave his chest.

He had won the prize, but could he keep her? Was he really ready to risk it all this night, to show her what he really wanted, who he really was? He’d given her hints of it before, rather large hints, but that was quite different than actually demonstrating.

And then he smiled to himself.

He’d spanked her.

He’d poured wax upon her.

And she relished it all and acted like she wanted more. Why was he so afraid that she’d back off now? She was Bliss, his Bliss. She’d probably ask for more. His whole body reacted to the thought, his balls pulling up and his cock hardening even more.

The only question now was how much longer did he have to wait to join her in her bedchamber?

—

No, she was not ready. Any doubts she had earlier in the day multiplied by a hundred, leaving her breathless and afraid.

Afraid. She played with the word in her mind. Was she afraid of Stephan?

It seemed a foolish idea. She had agreed to marry the man and she would never have agreed to marriage if she was afraid of him, would she?

The mirror in front of her reflected a woman who did not look afraid, a woman who looked like she knew all the secrets of the universe and was prepared to use them. Her blond locks lay brushed about her shoulders in soft waves, the wild curls for once smoothed by her maid’s endless brushing. Her lips were red from nibbling, making it look as if she’d been well-kissed before the evening had even begun. Her chest rose and fell rapidly as her nerves increased the pace of her breath. The fine linen of her white chemise revealed her tightly peaked nipples, the rosy flesh poking the fabric, eager to escape. If she stood even the slightly darker nest of hair between her thighs would be visible, so fine was the linen. In fact, there might be very little that was not clear to see.

She looked the wanton.

For months she’d been eager to try her womanly wiles, had put so much effort into exploring in all the ways she could.

Why now of all moments in time did she feel like a lost lamb? Why did she wish to pull on her cloak and flee before Stephan could appear? What held her trapped?

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

She tried to think, tried to understand this sudden fear.

She never felt afraid, was so eager to enjoy life, to not miss a moment or a single experience.

So why did she now wish to hide under the covers and never come out?

Another breath.

This mattered. That was the heart of the issue.

It was hard to admit it, so much easier to hide from it, but this coming moment could mean everything. If she let Stephan in now, she was letting him in forever.

And if she let him in she could be hurt, hurt in ways she was not sure she could survive.

If he ever left her…

Oh God, she really did want to run. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t.

Rising to her feet, she paced for a moment, her hands pleating the fine linen. Her father would let her come home. He would understand. He knew what it was like to be inconsistent, to change his mind at a moment’s notice. He understood what it was to be unreliable.

And Swanston? Swanston was unsure of her marriage; he would support her fleeing from it.

Or would he? Swanston always stood by the commitments that he made.

And so did she. That was one thing she had always stood by. She might be flighty and inconsistent, but she always stood by her word. She had stood in St. George’s this morning and given her word and now she would stand by it.

She clenched her fingers tight. The effort of being the woman she wanted to be was almost too much for her in this moment; tension built behind her eyes.

And then it did not matter. The door opened and there he stood. Stephan Andrew James Perth, Earl of Duldon. He wore a robe of emerald green brocade, his legs and feet bare beneath it.

Their eyes met and held, and she felt like every secret she’d ever had was open for his viewing.

“Come here.” His voice was cold and commanding, but his eyes were filled with heat.

Her inner muscles clenched and she could feel dampness between her thighs. “Why?” Without realizing it she crossed her arms across her chest, protecting her heart.

“Come here.” There was a bit more iron in his voice this time.

She wanted this. She should not, but she did. She took a step forward, and then another. Stopped. The wanting only increased the knots of fear that wrapped her belly.

“Closer.”

She knew she was testing him, pushing him, but she could not help it. She inched forward.

“Do not make me ask you again, Bliss.”

Tingles ran down her spine as she took the final step.

“Good girl.”

“Don’t talk to me like I am a hound.” She had not meant to snap.

He laughed. “Then don’t act like a puppy needing to be trained.”

Her bristles rose, but so did the heat deep in her belly. Even her nerves could not stop her awareness of every inch of her body, of the cool boards beneath her bare toes, of the brush of fabric across her stomach, of how her pebbled nipples pushed tight against the lace edging of her bodice, and of the blush in her cheeks beneath his gaze. “Then don’t order me about like one.”

“But you like my orders.”

She wanted to argue, oh, how she wanted to argue. Her eyes dropped and she stared down at her pink toes peeking out beneath the white of her shift.

He laughed again softly, sweetly. “You were made for me, Bliss. I’ve known it for years, but every second it becomes more true.”

His words should have brought reassurance, but instead she felt the fear in her belly grow. She’d tried to move past her fears, but every wonderful word he said only made her more aware that someday he might leave her. Her hands clenched tighter until she felt her nails bite into the tender flesh of her palms. “Why do you do this to me?”

“Why do I do what?” There was a brief second of true confusion in his voice.

“Why do you make me want things I should not? Why do you make me need things I have never needed? Why can you not let me just be carefree, pursuing fun and laughter?”

He stiffened for a moment. Even without looking at his face, she could feel the consideration in his gaze. “Take off your chemise, Bliss.” He spoke with absolute authority and command.

It was not the answer she had expected, but somehow it calmed her as nothing else would. This she could do. This small order she could obey. No thought was required. Her hands rose to the ribbon, which ran through the lace at the top of the bodice. With one sharp pull, it came free. Her fingers stayed there, poised at the neckline of her chemise, her gaze still focused down.

With the slightest of shrugs, she moved her shoulders until the straps slipped down. Her hands still held the fabric just above her breasts. She had never been so aware of her body and of the thin layer cloaking it, if not hiding it completely.

It was hard to say why she did not let the chemise drop further. Stephan had seen her naked before. She even understood the power a woman had in her own nakedness. If anything she had far more control when she stood unclothed than when the thin layer of cloth shielded her. Naked she was a creature of desire, clothed she was still held by the conventions of society. If only she let the covering fall then she could be herself, needing no mask to hide all that she was.

And yet she hesitated.

“Look at me, Bliss. Do not hide yourself.” His voice called her and yet she was not sure.

She should answer. She should say something—or else look up at him—and yet she stayed quiet.

“Are you seeking another punishment, Bliss? Is that what you want?”

Chapter Twenty-nine

Punishment? Did she wish that? Is that what she was seeking? It was hard to admit even to herself that she might wish such a thing. How could any woman of self-respect allow a man such power over her, and yet…It got to her. It would be impossible to pretend that it didn’t. The thought of his hand smacking down upon her ass tied her innards in knots that were not at all unpleasant—and the sense of freedom that came after, that was incredible. When she gave herself to him, gave herself completely to him, then she could release all worry, all fear, and simply be. She pressed her thighs together tighter. “I do not know what I want.” She spoke the words so softly that they were hardly more than a whisper.

“Haven’t you realized yet, Bliss, that that is an answer by itself? Perhaps in not knowing you are waiting for someone else to make the decision for you.”

Was that it? She was still working to understand her own thoughts. “I wish that I were clearer. I understand the truth in what you say, and yet it is not so simple. I cannot deny, no matter how much I might like to, that there is an attraction in what you say—and yet, I do need choice.”

“I think that is what you are slow to realize, my love. Your submission is a choice. I cannot force you to give in to me…well, perhaps I could, but then it would be force and not a gift.”

His words made so much sense and yet the edge of fear remained. If she gave in to him, gave him her all, then what would she be left with when he was gone? Tears welled behind her eyes. This was the heart of the matter, the heart of everything.

Her mind circled back.

If she allowed herself to love him he would leave. They always did.

Her mother—in death. Her father—in grief and lack of responsibility. Her brother—in too much responsibility and then in Louisa. Nobody that she needed stayed and cared for her, stayed and loved her. Even Stephan had left her once before, when he went to Clarissa, believing that Bliss was still too young. She might now understand, but the pain had not vanished.

The first of the tears leaked from her eyes, and she could not hold it back, and yet refused to acknowledge it.