Blurred Lines (8 page)

I started my car, and turned onto the dimly lit road, not quite ready to head back to the apartment I shared with Dane. He was probably next-door with Kennedy, and going to an empty home wasn’t at all appealing. So I drove around, taking a slightly longer detour back to the University campus. ‘Breath’ by Breaking Benjamin started playing through the stereo, so I reached over and turned the volume up until the windows rattled with the heavy beat of the drum. I thrummed my fingers in time with every pounding of the drumstick, and stared out at the dark road ahead. 

Memories of Jade and me flicked through my mind, and one in particular had me tightening my grip on the steering wheel until it twisted, and creaked in protest.

We were ten years old, and I was spending the night at Jade’s house while my parents were away. It was way past our bedtime, but I’d snuck into Jade’s room after I’d heard her soft cries coming from next door. Her room was dark, bathed in soft moonlight that was coming through her bedroom window, and I could barely make out her silhouette on the gigantic bed. She was curled into herself, sniffling, and hugging her pillow tightly to her chest. I climbed up, and slid under the covers until I felt the warmth of her body against mine.

Her eyes opened, and when she peered up at me, her brown eyes glistening, I knew I wanted to make her feel better. Even at that tender age, I knew she meant more to me than anyone else.

“Why are you crying?” I asked. I pried her hand from her pillow and took it mine, pressing it tightly to my chest.

“I had a nightmare,” she replied. “I got scared.”

I rolled onto my side, bringing us face-to-face, and wiped her tear-stained cheeks with my free hand. I didn’t know what her nightmare was about, but I couldn’t ask. I just wanted whatever had upset her to disappear from her mind. “You don’t have to be scared. I would never let anything happen to you.”

Jade stayed quiet, and after a while I started humming. It was no song in particular, but it seemed to have calmed her down so I didn’t stop. I didn’t care if I sounded off-key, or like a total dipshit. If it helped her, I would do it.

“Reid?”

I stopped humming. “Yeah?”

“You’ll never leave me will you?”

I frowned at her question. Was that what her nightmare had been about? Me leaving her?

“No, I won’t. You’re my best friend.”

Her mouth lifted up at the side, and something strange happened inside my chest. I felt hot, and my body tingled.

“Promise?”

I replied without hesitation. “I promise.”

I was too young, and naïve to realize how hard it was to keep such a promise, and I didn’t understand that breaking it would have devastating consequences our friendship wouldn’t survive.

I watched Jade sleep until the early hours of the morning, and snuck back into the guest bedroom before Jade woke up.

That was the first time I realized my feelings for Jade were changing. I might not have understood it then, but looking back on it now I see it for what it was – the defining moment, the moment my young heart fell in love with the girl next door before knowing what it meant. 

THE LIGHTS were off in our apartment when I walked in, and Dane’s bedroom door was open, but he wasn’t there. I expelled a heavy breath, and trudged into my own room feeling exhausted and strung out. I switched on the bedroom light, and stopped in my tracks when I saw Stella sitting on my bed wearing one of my shirts and nothing else.

“Stella,” I greeted. “What are you doing here?”

Her eyes were red, and I could see she’d been crying. It was time for me to end things with her, but I was hoping I’d at least have until morning before I got into it. I didn’t have the energy to fight, especially not with her.

“What,” she sniffled, “Am I not allowed to come see my boyfriend?”

I removed my jacket, chucked it over my desk chair, and started taking off my shoes. “I thought we agreed we were going to stay apart tonight?”

“I thought so too,” she replied, “until I realized that the only reason you wanted to do that was so you could go see Jade.”

Feeling suspicion unfurling in my stomach, I tilted my head to the side, and pursed my lips. “How do you know that’s where I went?”

I wouldn’t have put it past her to have someone follow me. She was possessive by nature, and her dislike of Jade seemed to exacerbate her jealous streak.

“You’ve been gone for almost three hours,” replied Stella. “And I can smell her perfume on you. It’s not hard to connect the dots.”

I sighed, and pinched my eyes closed, before turning to face her. Her blonde hair was a little untidy, and unkempt, and that in itself should have been a warning. Stella never went anywhere without having her hair done, not even to bed.

“I needed to talk to her,” I said, agitated that I felt the need to explain my whereabouts. “I still care about her.”

That was obviously the wrong thing to say because in a flash Stella flew off my bed, and came to stand in front of me. She glared up at me with hateful, narrowed eyes.

“It’s more than that,” she snapped. “I had a feeling something was wrong with you after she left Cabo early and then it clicked. You’re in love with her.”

“How I feel about her has nothing to with us,” I said, brushing past her to walk into the bathroom. I had to get away from her before she saw the truth written across my face. I wouldn’t be able to hide it, in spite of my desperation to do just that.

“So she isn’t the reason you’re going to break up with me?”

With a frown, I replied, “No she isn’t, but how’d you -”

“Please,” she interrupted, her voice sharp and venomous. “I knew the moment we landed you were going to end things, and I knew it was because of
her
. I’m not stupid.”

“Look, Stella, you and I both know this hasn’t been working for a while. We haven’t even had sex yet, for God’s sake. I’ve tried to make it work, but it’s not, and I think it would be so better for us to go back to being friends.”

‘Friends’ was a term I used loosely when it came to Stella. We only knew each other because she was on the dance team, and I was on the football team. We’d hung out a couple of times, and when I asked her out I thought it was because I could like her. For the first two weeks things were actually pleasant, and easy, and it managed to numb the aftereffects of my fallout with Jade, but then small things started to show through the cracks, like the way Stella would scowl when Jade and I had even the most arbitrary conversation.

It wasn’t until I hesitated at the thought of sleeping with Stella or touching her in a remotely intimate way that being with her wasn’t the right thing. And yet, I’d stuck it out.

“B-but I love you,” she cried, stepping closer until she could wrap her arms around my waist. “Please, you can’t leave me. Jade doesn’t love you, but I do, and I know you could love me too, if you’d just try.” Her words came out in a mumbled rush, and while I knew it was a shitty thing to do to have led her on, it was over. I had to make Stella realize that.

“”I’m sorry,” I said, taking ahold of her arms and gently pushing her away. “This isn’t fair to either of us. I can’t be with you anymore.”

Stella’s expression remained blank for all of five seconds before it twisted into something resembling vengeance. It had always amazed me how she could flip so easily, and it had been too easy to ignore it when I’d rather not have been alone. Now it only troubled me.

“You’re a fool,” she spat, her voice shrill and irate. “She doesn’t love you, Reid,” - I looked away, hating that her words stung – “and you’re too infatuated with her to give me a chance. You’re going to regret this.”

She turned on her bare feet, and snatched her thick jumper, and tights before slipping on a pair of black boots and storming her way out. The front door opened, and slammed closed, the loud crack echoing through every space of the apartment.

I stared at the floor for a few minutes, and eventually sunk on to my bed in defeat. I felt completely sucked dry of everything – my fight, my emotion – and the way I saw it I only had two options. I could wallow in self-pity, or I could focus on the two things that I could count on – football, and school.

As easy as it would have been to choose the first option, wallowing just wasn’t my style.

** ** ** ** **

T
he days that followed were long, cold, and almost unbearable. I’d become irritable, and intolerable, and ended up snapping at anyone I came into contact with, including my friends. I avoided the cafeteria because I didn’t want to see Jade, but also because I wasn’t in the mood for company. April meant no football training due to the wet, freezing weather, but I still found myself on the field and in the gym when I wasn’t attending my law classes.

It was only mid-afternoon, and I had my next class in two hours, so I headed down towards the empty football field intent on getting a run in. I might have been considered crazy for running in sixty-degree weather, but being out in the open, and on the field was the only thing that had brought me some kind of peace in the last week.

I zipped up my black U of B hoodie, stuck my earphones in and started running on the track. Lorde’s ‘Team’ started playing, and my feet started pounding the Tartan in perfect rhythm with the song. I did a few laps, and then increased my pace until my lungs burned, and all thoughts of Jade were silenced. When I reached the finish line, I slowed down, and stopped, resting my hands on my head while taking in large gulps of icy air.

I turned around, and scowled when I saw Dane leaning against the tunnel wall waiting for me. He had a grey beanie on, a grey U of B hoodie, and dark jeans with black combat boots. His arms were crossed over his chest, but when he saw me looking at him, he straightened and slowly started approaching me.

“Thought you might be out here,” he said, sticking his hands in his pockets. His eyes probed my face but he knew as well as I did that he wouldn’t find anything. I’d perfected the art of hiding the chaos going on in my head, careful not to reveal anything from the inside.

“Yeah,” – I checked my watch – “But I can’t chat. I have class in a little over thirty minutes.”

I walked past him, and grimaced when he fell into step beside me.

“There a reason you tracked me down?” I asked, unable to mask the hostility in my voice. I didn’t want to be rude, but I wanted to be left alone, and I had a feeling Dane wanted to have a heart-to-heart.

He sighed as I walked through the gym and straight into the locker room. I looked up as I started taking my sweaty clothes off and Dane rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t know what happened between you and Jade, or you and Stella, but I’m worried about you, Reid, you haven’t been yourself this past week.”

“Jesus,” I muttered, shaking my head. “Can’t you just give me some fucking breathing room?” Slamming the locker shut, I stalked towards the shower and didn’t care that I was butt ass fucking naked.

“I’ve been treading on fucking eggshells around you all week,” replied Dane. “Forgive me for wanting to make sure you’re okay!”

I turned on the hot water, hissing when it scalded my skin, and turned to face him. “I’m not fucking okay, Dane. I lost my best friend, and the girl I love. There’s nothing fucking okay with that!”

“Then talk to me, Reid, Goddammit. Let me help you.”

I screwed my eyes shut, and turned away, pressing my hands against the tiled wall and allowing the hot water to thaw the ever-present chill in my bones.

“There’s nothing you can do,” I said. “I just need some time and space to deal. Alone.”

“It doesn’t have to be this way.” Dane’s voice was filled with understanding, and sympathy, and neither had place with me. Aside from Jade, Dane had been my best friend growing up. I didn’t have siblings growing up, and I’d come to consider him more of a brother, than a friend. But even brother’s overstepped.

“Trust me when I say it does.”

I shut the water off, and dried off. “Look, I appreciate the concern, but nothing you say will change how I feel.” – I changed into a fresh set of clothes, and fished my car keys from my gym bag – “I appreciate your concern, but when I’m ready to talk, I will. Until then, leave me be.”

I exited the gym, leaving Dane behind, and made my way towards my car. When I saw Stella leaning against the driver’s side I groaned and almost decided to walk to class instead.

“Hey Reid.” She smiled, and my stomach twisted at the smug look on her face. She was up to something.

“Stella.” I threw my bag on the back seat, and opened my car door. “What do you want?”

“Oh nothing.” Stella looked down, fiddling with her nails. “I just have some information I thought you’d want to know.”

“I don’t care about whatever gossip you’ve heard.”

Her head whipped up, and she cocked a hip to the side. “Not even if it has to do with your beloved Jade?”

I froze and looked at Stella over my shoulder.

“My friend Desiree works as a part-time receptionist at Dr. Burkes consulting rooms,” she started. “She told me Jade made a very interesting phone call yesterday - ”

“Is there an end to this story?”

“Let me finish,” huffed Stella, rolling her eyes. “So Jade phoned, and wanted to reschedule an appointment for an ultrasound.”

My jaw tensed. I had no idea why she felt the need to draw out whatever she had to tell me. “Spit it out, Stella. Now.”

“I was her twenty week ultrasound, Reid. Jade’s pregnant.”

If it were possible for the ground to fall out from under me, it would have just then. Not only did my heart stop, but my lungs stopped too.

Stella rounded my side, and placed her hands on my chest. “I told you she was no good for you, Reid.”

“You’re lying.”

It couldn’t be true. Jade would have told me, unless...

“Now that she’s having some other guys baby,” – Stella’s voice sounded far away, like I was underwater. Quite fitting considering I felt like I was drowning. – “There’s nothing stopping us from being together.”

I pushed her away from me and started stalking towards the buildings that housed the lecture halls. Stella called after me, but all I could hear was the blood rushing to my ears, and my heavy breathing.