Bloom (22 page)

I watched every flex of his arms. The slight pulse in his wrists. The way his hair moved when he jerked. His long lashes and piercing eyes. The way he subconsciously rubbed the stubble on his chin. I watched him move and breathe and live. Took in every detail and stored it in my mind. Like the patch of scars right below his collar bone. The slight tug of his shirt around his hips and the loose fit of his jeans. His flushed cheeks and olive skin, and the gentle twitch at the corner of his mouth when he looked my way.

I brought the necklace to my lips and smiled at him. Never would I have imagined life turning out this way, but I guess sometimes life is what we make of it. The good and the bad all rolled into one beautiful mess.

One very beautiful mess.

I sat by my window, admiring the baby birds as I enclosed my necklace in my hand. Ella sat with me, pointing at the nest and talking to Adelaide. I knew they’d fly any day, any minute, and I didn’t want to miss it.

“He hasn’t kissed you yet?” Ella said, bouncing Adelaide on her knee. “It’s been a while now. I thought for sure he would do it before the surgery, and now look ... you’re already back to normal.”

I looked around the room at the packed boxes and closed my eyes. Life took me on an interesting ride within these walls, but I was ready for a new one.

“Why don’t you make the first move?” she said. “He probably wants to wait until he knows you’re comfortable with it.”

“That’s just the thing.” I looked back to the birds. “We’re comfortable. He knows I love him. He can see it in my eyes, like I can in his. Not everything needs to be as you imagine. Passion can be a calm meadow just as much as a hurricane.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know I’m a hurricane.”

“Okay, who am I kidding? I don’t know why he hasn’t kissed me, Ella. I’m going crazy. At first I wanted to wait. I feared it. This mental battle raging inside of me. Kiss me. Don’t kiss me. Kiss me. For the longest time I carried on those mental wars as he stared at me. Now ... now the war has ended. I want to be his and only his. I want our lips to touch and keep touching for the rest of my life.” I exhaled and held the edges of my chair. “Wow. I’ve never felt like this before. It’s ... it’s so ...”

“Indescribable.” She smiled, nodding her head. “Don’t even look for the words. No language can describe it.”

“Oh, look.” I pointed. “He’s getting ready.”

A baby bird poised himself on the edge of the nest, lifting his wings over and over. I brought my hands to my lips and waited. He gave up and sat back in the nest, then perked up again. A few flaps later, he lifted off and descended to the ground. Ella and I ran down the stairs. Adelaide pointed and babbled as we hurried outside. The little guy was still flapping in the yard, trying his best to get back into the air.

We watched from a distance as he kept trying.

“Come on, little buddy,” I said. “You can do it.”

Mama bird chirped from the nest, occasionally swooping down to encourage her baby. Ella and I both smiled, bouncing on our feet, hoping he’d get back into the air.

Minutes passed. He flapped his way up, then down, then up again, until finally he ascended higher and higher. Even Adelaide smiled as he made his way back to the nest.

“He did it!” we said, hugging each other.

Ella stopped laughing and looked at me. “Maybe you should kiss him.”

Vasili parked in front
of Eleni’s house and squeezed
my hand. “Ready?”

I nodded, hoping the nausea would subside. Eleni and I never connected much, but thankfully Sophia and Yanni would be at the party too.

“How’d she get such a huge house?” I said as we walked to the door.

“Lives with her boyfriend.” He knocked on the door. “He’s a brain surgeon.”

“Natalie said you have a lot of money.”

He laughed under his breath. “She thought I did because I worked to get her anything she wanted. I’m still in debt because of her school loans.”

“That’s sad.”

“I’m fine with it.”

“No. I mean that she didn’t know your heart.”

The door opened.

An older woman with lots of jewelry and makeup looked around us, then called back to through the house, “Tyler!”

Vasili and I looked at each other, hiding smirks.

“Hey, Ty.” Vasili extended his hand to the man.

“Oh, Mom,” Tyler said. “It’s Billy. Lenni’s brother.”

He looked at me. Well, not at me. At my scars.

“This is Sarah.” Vasili stepped inside and took my hand.

I tried to keep my shoulders high, but they wanted to wilt when I stepped into the house. It seemed more like a museum. And not for the likes of me.

Tyler disappeared around the corner, calling for Eleni. Or Lenni.

“Why’d he call you Billy?” I wanted to lean my head on his shoulder, but settled for standing close enough to smell his hair.

“Most people outside of my family call me that. Vasili is too hard and strange, I guess.”

“But Vasili is better.”

He squeezed my hand as Eleni rounded the corner and stopped in her tracks. Glancing at our locked fingers, she dropped her shoulders and gave Vasili a glare that a mother gives her disobedient toddler.

I tried to let go of his hand, but he squeezed harder and looked into my eyes.

Eleni huffed and walked away.

The doorbell rang and she returned. Walking around us as though we were part of the decor. Sophia and Yanni entered. They forced a smile when they saw us, but the dark circles under their eyes showed the truth.

Vasili and I took turns hugging them as Eleni disappeared again. Then we all meandered to the patio out back. Classical music played from the speakers as men and women dressed in formal black outfits brought food to guests and refilled their wine glasses. Further down the yard kids splashed in a pool that seemed more like a pond. I tried to ignore the beautiful tan bodies lying beside the pool, but even after we sat down I found myself glancing their way often. Looking at their prominent chests and imagining Vasili kissing my body on our honeymoon.

He tapped my knee and whispered, “We can go if you want.”

I shook my head and held my necklace. I’m free, I told myself. Free of caring about what everyone thinks of me.

“Where’s the bathroom?” I stood and looked around.

“I’ll take you.” Vasili stood and turned me around by my shoulders, then showed me the bathroom.

I locked the door and looked in the mirror. “You don’t need their kind of beauty,” I mouthed to myself. “Close your eyes and see things how they really are.”

I flushed the toilet and washed my hands, smiling as I realized how often I retreated to bathrooms to give myself pep talks.

“No way,” Vasili said outside the bathroom door. “You have no right to do that.”

“It’s embarrassing having her here. Everyone is staring and it’s taking the attention away from us. This is my engagement party, Billy. Can’t you respect that?”

“Oh, now you’re calling me Billy? How charming.”

“Shut up. Stop making this about you. If you would’ve told me your date was Sarah I would’ve said not to bring her. Don’t you ever think of others?”

“No. I’m not sure I do.”

“Well, maybe you should for once. Did you ever think of how your little experiment may affect others? Poor Sarah thinks you actually fell in love with her when really you just feel bad for her. You’re a pig.”

“No, Eleni. Your nose is the one so deep in your own fecal matter that you don’t even realize why your own mother refused to come today.”

“Fecal matter?” She laughed. “Too goody goody to say shit now? Look, I don’t have time for this ... fecal matter. Just take her to a nice dinner at McDonalds where you belong. It’s bad enough that I have Sophia and Eeyore moping around.”

I opened the door in time to see Eleni strut away with her arms glued to her sides.

Vasili smiled weakly. “Did you hear anything she said?”

I shook my head and looked at the painting of the ballerina in front of me. “Can you take me home? I’m hurting.” I lied. Well, sort of. I was hurting. Just not physically.

“No.” He walked toward the kitchen. “Let’s get you taken care of.” He pulled a mug out of the cabinet. “Got your pills?”

“No, really.” I waved the cup away. “I’m okay. I just need some rest.”

Eleni came into the kitchen. “What the—” She snatched the mug from Vasili. “What are you doing?”

“Getting Sarah some water.”

“These are my Audra Winters mugs.” She rolled her eyes and put it back in the cabinet. “’They’re art. Drinking cups are in the wooden cabinets. Art”—she jerked toward the mugs—“in the glass cabinets.”

My heart rate refused to slow down and I knew I’d regret any words said out of anger, but I couldn’t help it. “I bet one of those ugly mugs could feed a hundred starving children.”

“Ugly?” She gasped. “Look who’s talking.” She pointed her finger in Vasili’s face. “Get. Out.”

As we walked to the car two questions repeated in my mind. What on earth did I get myself into and how did I always find the crazy ones?

I felt bad for him
as we drove home. I wanted to talk,
but I needed time to think and process. He offered to walk me to the door, but I refused.

“I think it’s best if we stop holding hands and stuff,” I said as I opened the car door. “I don’t want want to ruin our friendship.”

“I understand.” He refused to look at me. “I don’t blame you for feeling that way.”

That’s it? I thought.

“Alrighty then.” I stood outside the car. “Have a good night.”

Have a good night? Who was I kidding? His shoulders only migrated further south and his lips could barely move for words, much less a smile.

He nodded, then reached toward me as I closed the door. I waited, but his hand retreated back to the steering wheel.

I walked inside and peeked out the window. For a minute or so, he sat there. So still I could’ve mistaken him for one of my photographs. Then he backed up and drove away.

I turned around and jumped. “Ella. You scared me.”

“You’re back early. You don’t look happy. And you’re staring out the tiniest sliver between those curtains. What happened?”

My voice trembled. “I can’t do it.”

“The party?”

“Vasili. I can’t. I’ll ruin his life. Just like I ruined James and Abby’s dreams of a happy family. I can’t. I can’t do this again.”

“What happened?”

I headed for the back door. “He did it all because he felt bad for me.” I swung the door open. “How could I be so stupid?”

Ella stood beside me on the porch. “But he loves you.”

“He’s never said it. Besides, I don’t want to upset his family anymore than I have. Or him. Or myself.”

“Truth isn’t truth if it doesn’t upset someone. You can’t please everyone all the time, especially when you’re true to yourself. Lies are comfortable. We can hide behind masks our entire lives, but that’s not love. Be honest. Tell him how you feel. And whatever happens, happens.”

I rubbed my temples. “I’m gonna walk to the creek and turn off my phone. I’ll be back after sunset.”

She put her arm around me and leaned her head against mine. “No man is a failure who has friends.”

I almost laughed.

I happened to have the
blindfold in my purse. So when
I found a nice rock by the creek, I reclined in the shade and blindfolded myself.

The soothing sounds of water and birds almost lulled me to sleep, but I couldn’t relax. Memories faded in and out of my mind. From childhood talks with Mom and Dad to Vasili’s conversation with his sister.

The first time my heart got broken I vowed to never let it happen again. The second time, however, Brody Sanders snuck his way in and smashed my fragile heart into so many pieces I thought I’d never heal. But God surprised me with a mended heart and I no longer cared if it broke, but I vowed to never ever hurt another soul the way those boys hurt me.

Ella poked at me all the time. “You’re such a people pleaser.”

It’s true. I earned the title like Michael Jordan earned his MVP during his final days with the Bulls. But is it so bad to want to make others happy? To want to please them at the expense of my own happiness? To do what’s right even when it seems wrong?

Does love lie for the sake of maintaining peace?

I thought it did. For so long I lived behind a curtain of lies. Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz. Only I pretended to smile, to enjoy every moment of self-sacrifice. I became the Queen of Yes.

When I really wanted to go home and spend the evening reading books, James wanted to watch a boring action movie. “Yes, James.”

When friends asked for discounts on photo sessions, but I was weeks late on rent. “Yes, of course.”

When I fell in love with a man who was engaged and she wanted advice on how to love him better. “Yes, I’ll do that, even though it’s shredding my heart.”

When someone needed a shoulder to cry on, but I needed one more. What did that look like for me? A painted on smile and a resounding, “Yes.”

Yes. Yes. Yes.

No.

I listened to the water as it rolled on downstream, like my life. My fake, boring, people-pleasing life. Always going with the flow. Never hiking up my dress and trudging against the current. Playing it safe. Keeping everyone around me happy.

Except I failed.

It didn’t work.

I broke hearts and I killed dreams. I ruined ideas and prevented goals.

I lied.

“And no,” I said aloud, “that’s not love.”

I pictured Anastasia’s face. Her video. Her regret.

Something brushed against my arm. Warmth radiated my body like springtime sun heated the earth. Vasili?

I kept the blindfold on and enjoyed the comfort of his presence. He touched my hair and chin.

A smile started in my soul and climbed its way to my face. “I love you,” I said to him, so naturally, then slipped the blindfold over my head.

But he was gone. Not a person in sight. Not even a squirrel. Only a slight breeze rustling the treetops and a cloud-hugged sun coloring the world pink.