Blood & Tacos #3 (11 page)

If the Nazis had that kind of regenerative power?
Studs would have shuddered at the thought—

—but Studs Winslow wasn’t a man who shuddered.

Studs released his grip on her wrist. “If it’s the secret of my good looks you want, my answer is healthy living. If you’re here to kill me, then do it.”

Helga Fuchs smiled. “Oh no, Herr Winslow. We’re not going to kill you. We want to hire you.”

“You can’t afford me.”

“On the contrary, you can’t afford to say no.” Helga snapped her fingers. One of the mute twins went to the control panel on the
The Goateed Mollusk IV
’s winch and raised Cookie six feet overhead. With a switch of the lever, the boom turned, dangling Cookie over the water.

“What you gonna do?” Cookie catcalled. “Try to drown me?
Shee-yit
, I was captain of the Oxford swimming team three years in a row. Don’t matter my hands are tied behind my back. I could make it to shore without my arms.”

“Don’t think that I don’t know your capabilities, Ms. Cutter.” With that, Helga lowered her gun and fired the Luger.

The two small toes of Cookie’s left foot popped off. Cookie howled. “Ahhh, my goddamn pinkie toe! I’ma kill you.”

Helga smiled. “I’m paying you with her life, Herr Winslow. You do what we say, and we won’t drop your precious Cookie Cutter. As you can see, the dip will not be refreshing.”

Studs looked out onto the cruel ocean, dorsal fins already breaking the surface in the sharks’ quest to find the source of the blood that was dribbling into their water.

The dinner bell had been rung.

“You’re as crazy as your father, Helga.”

“And you, Herr Winslow, are running out of time. You have thirty minutes to retrieve the item we have come for. In precisely thirty minutes, if you have not returned from the
Feuchter Traum
with the object I desire, I will cut the rope myself, and your precious Cookie Cutter will be torn to pieces.”

“It can’t be done. I need at least that much time to do the breathing exercises necessary for a dive that deep. And you expect me to make that same dive in water that you just made shark infested?”

“Twenty-eight minutes.”

“I’ll drown before I get down there.”

“If you drown, your black beauty will not be far behind.”

Cookie twirled angrily at the end of the rope. “Hey, who you callin’ a … actually, both them words fit. I’ma still gonna kill you.”

Helga laughed. “Such spirit! It’s a shame that you are unfit to join the Fifth Reich, and that spirit will be leaving this world in … twenty-six minutes. Your move, Herr Winslow.”

Studs gritted his teeth. “What is it you need me to get?”

“In 1941, the
Feuchter Traum
was on route to the Fatherland carrying a precious item … a precious item that had existed in legend amongst the Mexican people and their Mayan ancestors for centuries.”

“I don’t got time for a history lesson.”

Undeterred, Helga Fuchs went on. “My father, knowing the powerful mysticism of the Mayan people, believed that this item would be a suitable addition to
der Fuehrer
’s already impressive collection. He sent a team deep into the jungle to an ancient pyramid, a temple many thought was on cursed land, built by a cursed people. And do you know what they found, Herr Winslow?”

“The world’s greatest enchiladas?”

“They found the Amulet of Qaxteqackotittlq.”

The name meant nothing to Studs.

But it meant something to Cookie. “Aw, hell no.”

That couldn’t be good.

“The Amulet of Qaxteqackotittlq is on that boat, Herr Winslow, and
I want it
!” Helga checked her watch. “And you have nineteen minutes to get it for me.”

Without another word, Studs dove off the edge of the boat, executing a perfect jackknife.

Studs thrust his muscular body deeper and deeper into the water, moving fast not only to avoid drowning, but to get below the sharks that were quickly amassing under Cookie.

Studs took a quick look up. He saw four or five blue sharks, two good-sized bull sharks, a lemon shark, and his old friend, the tiger who’d tried to nosh on Studs only minutes earlier. Studs guessed that the blood in the water was too much to keep the old boy away, even after his encounter with Studs.

As he turned to the
Feuchter Traum
, a large shadowy motion caught Studs’ eye, moving in from about a hundred yards off the boat.

A shadow that big would have sent a shiver down Studs’ spine—

—but shivers didn’t have a home anywhere on Studs Winslow, especially not his spine.

Instead, Studs just used it as further motivation to get a move on … before the great white got there.

When Studs reached the
Feuchter Traum
, his lungs were already aching. Studs grabbed the narrow hatch opening, planted his feet against the side, and pulled with all his strength. Forty years of rust fractured under Studs’ steel will. The hatch opened.

Once inside the boat, a pulsing sensation started up behind Studs’ eyes. It was a sensation he’d felt only once before, when he’d been possessed by the power of Dr. Tutu’s voodoo bag in Haiti. (Dig the magic in
Studs Winslow and the Voodoo Orgy of Dr. Tutu
.)

There was something evil nearby, and Studs could feel it. He let it guide him to the Amulet of Qaxteqackotittlq.

Passing through the cabin, Studs saw a weak green light emanating from under the door of the captain’s quarters. As he swam closer, the throbbing grew stronger. The Amulet of Qaxteqackotittlq was behind that door.

Studs opened the door. The room was bathed in weak green light emanating from an ornate wooden box. A box held in the clutches of a Nazi skeleton.

As Studs pried the box from the dead Nazi bastard’s hands, he noticed something … strange about the skull, particularly the mouth. But he had no time to think on the curiosities of German dentistry; he had to not drown himself. And get back to the boat before Helga Fuchs turned Cookie into fish food.

When he swam out of the cursed German
Schnellboot
, Studs immediately saw that the ocean around
The Goateed Mollusk IV
was a bloodier hue of crimson.

For a moment, he feared that he was too late, that the madwoman had tossed his Cookie to the sharks before he had a chance to return with the Amulet of Qaxteqackotittlq.

Then he saw the chunks—the remains of four or five blue sharks, two good-sized bull sharks, and a lemon shark littering the water. The great white had decided to take out the competition before meal time.

For reasons he couldn’t figure out, it relieved Studs to not see any pieces of his old chum the tiger shark.

What worried Studs was that he couldn’t see the great white.

Unfortunately, he didn’t have the time to find him. Studs pumped his legs and worked his way to the surface before the black spots that were forming in his vision grew any larger. Studs needed oxygen, and he needed it now.

Twenty yards to the surface.

The spots grew darker.

Ten.

With an explosion of size and movement, the great white came at Studs from underneath
The Goateed Mollusk IV
. Studs broke the surface of the water and took in huge lungfuls of sweet, sweet air.

The giant dorsal fin of the great white erupted out of the water ten feet from the gasping Studs.

“My knife!” Studs yelled.

Lily took the bowie from her bikini and tossed the blade to Studs. He caught it and turned to face the leviathan.

The shark skimmed the surface, inches from Studs’ chest. For the second time that day, Studs locked eyes with another of the world’s deadliest predators. This one was used to being King of the Sea, however. And Studs was too tired and weak to give an effective warrior’s glare.

The shark’s eyes said,
You’re lucky I just ate, Bub. But I’ll be hungry again reeeeal soon
.

So, with a bellyful of his fellow sharks, the great white swam a respectable distance from the boats. Didn’t leave, but kept its distance.

Waiting.

Studs didn’t want to wait until the monster got its appetite back. He tossed the carved box onto the deck of the boat, climbed the ladder, and collapsed into an exhausted heap.

With a hunger in her eyes that wasn’t too different from the shark’s, Helga Fuchs picked up the wooden box and opened it. Her eyes lit with the flames of pure Nazi bitch evil. “
Mein Gott
. It’s true. The Amulet of Qaxteqackotittlq!” The other women gathered behind her, their faces masked with a lust that, under different circumstances, Studs would have been more than willing and able to sate.

“I did my part,” gasped Studs. “Reel in Cookie.”

“Do it,” said Helga, her eyes never leaving the amulet.

Lily went to the controls and dropped Cookie onto the deck next to Studs.

“What have you done, Studs?” she asked. “Don’t you know what that amulet can do?”

“Guess I’ll find out soon enough,” he said. Behind his back, Studs handed Cookie his bowie. In all the excitement, they’d forgotten to take it from him. Cookie’s cocoa forearms flexed, only the barest motion giving away the sawing at her bonds.

“It has the power to raise the dead, Studs.”

“Bring him out,” said Helga.

The Aryan twins re-emerged from under Stud’s canopy, each struggling with one end of a coffin adorned with swastikas.

“That ain’t who I think it is, is it?” asked Studs as he pulled his jeans back on over his trunks. He pulled out his smokes and lit one. Putting the pack back into the pocket, he tapped the skull’s ruby eye on the belt buckle twice. The belt buckle beeped quietly.

“Prepare yourselves, Studs Winslow and Cookie Cutter—prepare yourselves for the return of Adolph Hitler himself!”

With that, the Aryan twins opened the lid of the coffin, revealing the desiccated bones within. Studs looked at the withered skull, tiny mustache intact.

“Honey, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” said Cookie.

“Of course you wouldn’t.” Helga withdrew the amulet from the box, a magnificent golden medallion on a thick leather thong that wouldn’t have looked out of place adorning the chest of a true disco stallion.

Tenderly, Helga lifted the head of her
Fuehrer
and placed the Amulet of Qaxteqackotittlq around his neck.

Immediately, the green glow enveloped the bones of Adolph Hitler.

“Studs?” Cookie whispered.

Pink flesh grew on the bones, oozing around itself, rebuilding.

“Yeah?” whispered back Studs.

Spots of white skin began spreading, stretching over the flesh.

“That amulet raises the dead.”

Hitler’s fingertips convulsed, celebrating the new life coursing through them.

“I can see that, Cookie.”

Hitler’s mustache twitched, became fuller.

“Yeah, but these dumb Nazi bitches don’t have a doctorate in mystical artifacts.”

“What’s your point, Cookie?”

Hitler’s eyes sprang open. Undistilled fury and hatred under the lids. And something else …

“The Amulet of Qaxteqackotittlq brings back the dead …”

Studs recognized what else was in that evil bastard’s eyes, realized what was wrong with the mouth of the Nazi on the sunken ship. Fangs! Hitler’s mouth was filled with fangs.

“… but as a Mayan Vampire.”

Mayan Vampire Hitler leapt from the coffin with an ear-piercing screech, howling, “
Mi hambre debe ser saciado!
”

In a flash, the Nazi bitches of the Fifth Reich’s expressions turned from lust to horror as Mayan Vampire Hitler tore the throat from the nearest Aryan twin, then the breast off the other. Mayan Vampire Hitler feasted on the bloody milk that poured from her chest. Her breast fell to the deck like a nippled jellyfish.

“
Mein Fuehrer
! What has happened to you? Stop!” screamed Helga, her gun drawn onto Mayan Vampire Hitler. She fired twice.

Mayan Vampire Hitler laughed at the smoking holes in his chest.

Lily panicked, firing the fallen twin’s submachine gun wildly. Her bullets shredded the sails on
The Goateed Mollusk IV
, slammed into the engines.

Studs hit the deck.

Cookie saw her opportunity. Executing a perfect judo flip over the hail of bullets, Cookie kicked the gun out of Lily’s hands.

“Didn’t know I was also captain of the Harvard Kung-Fu Squad, didja bitch?”

Then with a spin kick that would have made the Atomic Samurai Women of Nagasaki proud (read the classic adventure in
Studs Winslow and the Atomic Samurai Women of Nagasaki
), Cookie cracked Lily right across her high cheekbones with a foot that was missing two toes.

Lily flipped in the air twice before plummeting into the ocean.

Cookie stood, hands on her cocked hips. “I
told
you I’d get you, ofay.”

The great white was on Lily before she could respond to Cookie’s funky sass. Mayan Vampire Hitler laughed and advanced on the weeping Helga Fuchs. He stopped laughing when his arms started to smoke. “
¿Qué me está pasando?
”

“Hey, Hitler!” said Studs.

Mayan Vampire Hitler turned to Studs. His eyes went wide with fear and rage as his skin began to blister. “
Espárragos Winslow? ¿Qué estás haciendo aquí?
”

“Next time one of your crazy-ass Nazi bitches wants to bring you back from the dead, make sure they don’t make you a Mayan Vampire.”

Small flames erupted from under the blistering skin of Mayan Vampire Hitler.

“And make
double
sure they don’t do it on the deck of a boat underneath the Caribbean sun.”

With a scream of unimaginable agony, flames engulfed Mayan Vampire Hitler ..

Helga Fuchs made a run for it, trying to get across the gangplank to her own boat and escape.

Mayan Vampire Hitler gave chase, covered in flames. “
Puta alemana estupido!
”

As he leapt on her, Helga fired her remaining bullets into the chest of her immolated
Fuehrer
. She screamed as his fiery fangs tore into her flesh. The two of them fell under the canopy in a flaming embrace of death.

“Daaaamn,” said Cookie. “That is one overcooked Nazi Mayan Vampire Hitler jive turkey.”