Blood of the Rainbow (17 page)

Sara had never been this far before, but with Jared, she was ready to move their relationship to the next level. “Then do it,” she whispered. “Jared,
please,
make love to me,” she begged.

“We can’t, Sara,” he breathed, making a feeble attempt, hoping she would rescue him, but she wasn’t going to. If they stopped this time, it would be Jared that did it.

“Why?”

He pulled away slightly. “Because, what we have is special. I want it to stay that way, pure and right.”

Sara was insistent. “It
is
special Jared. If we made love now, it would be even
more
special. It’s not going to change anything. I’ll still love you as much and more. Don’t you want to make love to me?”

Jared groaned. “More than I want my next breath, but I won’t do it.” He sat up, closed his eyes and breathed deeply, regaining control of his emotions.

Damn!He’s skilled at that
. Sara certainly wasn’t. If she’d thought it would have accomplished anything, she would have begged on her hands and knees, but she knew it wouldn’t matter. Once Jared pulled away, he’d regained his control, and normally wouldn’t change his mind. Sara took comfort in knowing that they’d gone further this time than ever before. She didn’t think he could hold out much longer.
Am I being selfish? Does wanting him the way I do make it wrong?

Jared understood what Sara wanted from him, and because of what he knew, he would do anything to make sure she didn’t get it – not now, anyway. He kept taking Sara so close to the edge, by the time he
did
make love to her; she would die of intense ecstasy. Sara was starting to feel like an emotional yoyo.

------------

That night, instead of sleeping with Sara, Jared slept in the bedroom next to hers. Sara felt hurt and rejected, disappointed that he hadn’t made love to her, but she could have lived with that. It was what happened next that hurt her the most. He carried her back upstairs, but it wasn’t as it had been earlier. His body was somewhat stiff, and even though he held her, it felt distant. When they got to the bedroom, he laid her on the bed and started gathering his bedclothes.

“You’re having
another
shower?” she asked, trying to sound noncommittal. He’d had a shower when he came home from work. Sara knew he didn’t need another one.

“No, I’m going to bed Sara.”

Sara bit her lower lip between her teeth and swallowed hard. “You’re not sleeping in here with me?”

“Not tonight.” Jared’s tone was cold, not with anger, but final, as if there would be no debating the issue.

“Oh….” Sara tried to keep a steady voice as she fought threatening tears, disappointed. She didn’t want Jared to know how hurt she was. Sara didn’t
need
to say anything. The look and frown on her face should have been enough, but Jared was unaffected, or at least he appeared to be. Sara watched him as he headed for the door. “Can I have a kiss?”

Jared stopped, drew in a sigh and turned. “Can you behave?” he countered.

Sara nodded, pouting her bottom lip. She tilted her head back, set to give Jared a kiss that was bound to change his mind, whether they discussed this or not. Jared lowered her head, kissed her forehead, her cheek, and finally the side of her throat, but he wouldn’t kiss her lips. “Good night Angel,” he whispered, and left the room.

Sara silently willed him to turn around and come back to her, but he didn’t. She bit her lip. She kept waiting, hoping, until she heard the door to his bedroom close. Only then, when all hope was gone, did she burst into silent tears.

How dare he call me Angel, and then send me to Hell?Was tonight my fault?
“Did he expect me
not
to respond?” she mused. “To grant that wish, I would have to be dead! Should I allow him to do as he pleased? Is that what he wants – a puppet? How dare he make me feel like my body is going to burst into flames and then just leave me there - dangling? We’re living in the twentieth century for heaven’s sake! He said he wanted me, but he won’t make love to me? Is he lying to me?” Sara decided to let it go
this
time, but if they were ever this close again, she was going to find out the
real
reason why Jared kept holding her feelings at arm’s length.

------------

Sara was tiring of the emotional rollercoaster ride Jared kept taking her on. The next few days were much the same. Jared wasn’t being mean, he just was doing an excellent job at keeping his emotions at bay, while he sent Sara’s in a tailspin. Not seeming to have a care in the world. Warm and loving, until Sara crossed that imaginary line he’d drawn between them. She could have dealt with that too, except Jared kept moving the line, closer one day – further off the next. At the end of her nerves, she’d decided two could play his game, so she submersed herself in her music.

------------

By the beginning of the next week, Sara’s ankle had healed. As suspected, the night before she was supposed to leave the following morning – at least that’s what they’d told Lucy - Jared’s attitude changed again. He took Sara for a walk in the back garden. They sat on the bench in front of the pond. Jared put his arm around her, pulling her close to him. “I noticed you’d packed your things. Have you decided to go back to Lucy’s then?”

Sara sighed. “Yes.”

“Then you’ll want me to take you home tomorrow morning, I guess?”

“No, I can drive. I do have my car here, remember?”

“Oh – yeah - that’s right.” He tried to make it appear as though it had slipped his mind. They sat in silence for a long time, watching the ducks paddling around the edge of the water. Then, out of nowhere, Jared spoke. “Sara… you do know I love you – right?”

“Really?” she countered, as though it didn’t matter.

Jared turned sideways, lifting her chin, studying her eyes. Sara saw love, but there was still that, ‘keep your distance’, look too. “Don’t you
ever
doubt that Sara.” He kissed her, at first gentle, soft, almost like the kind of kiss you would give your mother, and then it changed. That halfway wall he’d put up between them fell for just a moment, and Jared’s kiss was full of staggering passion. Sara eagerly met him more than half way, as she’d done so many times in the past week. She tangled her fingers in his dark hair, holding the back of his neck, so if Jared decided to end the kiss anytime soon, he would have to force her away.

Jared stopped kissing her, and pressed his forehead to hers. “You don’t
have
to go Sara,” he said in a pained whisper. “You could
still
stay here, with me. That is if you still want to.”

What kind of game are you playing? You know how much I want you.I’ve made that crystal clear, even to a blind man.
“Do you
want
me to stay?” Her voice was sharp, dubious.

Jared furrowed his brow, annoyed. “What do you mean? Of course, I want you to stay! You know that!”

Sara rested her head against his shoulder. “Jared, after the last few days, I wasn’t sure - I mean - you’ve been acting so strange - warm one day, cold the next. What do you want from me?” Tears dimmed Sara’s eyes. “I don’t know what to do or say. I don’t know how far I’m supposed to go. I mean, I’m no different than any other puppet. I can walk a line but not if you keep moving the line. I know what
I
want Jared. Do you?”

“I
want
you Sara, you
know
that!” Jared snapped, closing his eyes, throwing his head back against the bench. He sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I love you more than life itself Sara. I can’t bear the thought of losing you.”

“Jared, you’re not going to lose me, but you’re pushing me away.”

“No – never! I will
never
do that!” Jared wrapped his arms around Sara, pulling her tight against his chest. Sara pulled away, so she could see his eyes. She sat there, staring at him for a long while, reading him. She wanted more than anything to trust him. She sighed.

“Then I guess I’ll stay. I’ll need to tell Lucy. Since our last conversation, I don’t
care
if Mom knows or not. Lucy can tell her if she wants to, but it won’t come from me.”

Jared kissed the top of her head and chuckled. “You don’t get along with your mother very well, do you?”

“Does it show?”

Jared smiled. “I’m afraid so. When are you going to introduce us?”

“I wasn’t aware you were masochistic.”

Jared laughed again. “Come on, Sara, she can’t be
that
bad.”

Sara stood and walked a few paces away from him. “
Yes
… she can.”

Jared stood next to her, putting his hands on her shoulders and gently turning her. “Sara, if we’re going to stay together, sooner or later, we’ll have to face the music.”

Sara sighed. “I know, but I’d prefer it be later - a
lot
later.” She put her arms around him and Jared held her close.

“I’m
not
afraid of her. After a living through a lifetime of insults and ridicule, I think I can handle one
paleface
old lady.”

Sara studied his eyes and smiled. “You don’t know
this
paleface. Mother has eyes of fire, and she speaks with a forked tongue. No matter what you do for her, it never seems to be enough. Even as a child I could never… please her. It was always, “You need to try harder Sara. I would have done it differently. You’re such a disappointment Sara. When are you going to grow up?” Sara was surprised at how close she mimicked her mother’s voice.

Jared kissed her forehead. “Don’t worry about your mother, at least not right now. The gig is only two weeks away. While you’ve been recovering, the band and I have been doing some work. Now that you’re well, we need to start putting in some serious rehearsal time, get down to business….”

They
did
have a lot of work to do.
Ok
,
if that’s the way you want to do it. I’ll play along.
Sara put as much enthusiasm in her voice as she could conjure up. “When do you want to get started?”

“Now, if you want. I mean, you and I could go over some of your new material, and see how it sounds. It’s on your laptop – right?”

“Yeah, but it’s in our bedroom.
Your
bedroom - I meant to say.”

Jared looked at her and smiled. “You had it right the first time Angel. It’s
our
bedroom, even if I don’t sleep in it right now.”

“Jared, can we talk about that?”

Jared looked away. “What’s to talk about?”

“Even though you slept on top of the covers, the first night I stayed here, you slept with me. Why won’t you do it now? I sleep sounder when you’re with me.”

“Sara, I can’t trust myself. That’s why I don’t sleep in the same bed with you. I’m afraid if I did it again, I would end up making love to you.”

“And?”

“And, I already told you why I won’t do that.”

Sara was determined to get some kind of answer. “Why Jared?”

He tried changing the subject. “I thought we were going to practice….”

“I thought we were talking about
us
,” she countered, determined.

Jared snapped. “Dammit Sara! Why can’t you accept what we have? Why can’t you be happy just being with me? I love you, and before you give up your innocence to me, or
anybody
else, I want you to be sure.”

Sara rolled her eyes. “Ok, that one caught me by surprise,” she mused. “I thought I
had
made that
crystal
clear to you.” Sara walked next to him, put her arms around his neck and stood on her tiptoes, so she could see his eyes. “Don’t you believe me?” Jared just stared at her. She kissed him. “Don’t you want me?” Jared deepened the kiss, crushing his lips to Sara’s, and pressing her hard against his body. There was want there, whether it was lust or love didn’t matter to Sara. She thought maybe, this time Jared was giving in, until he pulled away and stood.

“
Don’t
do that!” He was angry again. “Meet me in the studio. I’ll bring your laptop. We’ll work!” he ordered, walking away.

“Fine! If that’s the way you want it!” Sara was angry now too. She would play his game, but she
refused
to play fairly. She was not going to make it easy on Jared. She was going to tease him and provoke him in any way possible. Jared wasn’t the only one who’d been pushed over the edge. She couldn’t understand how he could
want
to make love to her one minute, and then jump down her throat the next. Sara shook her head in dismay, went out to the studio, and started practicing.
The rules to this game just got nasty….

Chapter 9

A short time later, Jared entered the studio and handed Sara her laptop. “Thank you!” she responded flatly.

Jared sighed deeply. “I’m sorry I snapped at you.” He leaned over to kiss her neck. At the right moment, Sara conveniently moved away, choosing to double knot her shoelace. Jared stared at her back for a few seconds, waiting for a response. When she didn’t give him one, he gave up and sat down at the piano.

Sara closed her eyes and fought the urge to go to him. She didn’t like hurting him, any more than she already had, but he was leaving her with little choice. Sara was growing tired of tearing down Jared’s brick walls. Every day they got higher, each day a new wall, each one a brick higher. One way or the other,
something
had to give!

Sara started her midi program, made a copy of the files, and gave it to him. Taking it, Jared deliberately brushed his hand against hers and loaded the file on his piano. He glanced up at her with puzzled eyes. “Ready when you are.”

Sara nodded, and started playing the intro to the first new song. She was hurting, but giving into her feelings were not part of the plan. She put all her pain into her music. They went through the songs a couple of times. Jared might have changed a few bars of the melody, and slowed the tempo, but those were the only changes he made.

Sara sat her guitar in its stand and brushed her bangs out of her eyes. “Well, what do you think?”