Blood and Guts in High School

Copyright © 1978

ISBN 0-8021-3193-X

Contents

Inside high school
7

Parents stink 7 The Scorpions 31

Outside high school
44

How spring came to the land of snow and icicles 44

Janey becomes a woman 56

The mysterious Mr Linker 61

A book report 65

Translating 101

Cancer 116

A journey to the end of the night
117

Tangier 117 In Egypt, the end 129 A second of time 140 So the doves 165

Inside high school

Parents stink

Never having known a mother, her mother had died when Janey was a year old, Janey depended on her father for everything and regarded her father as boyfriend, brother, sister, money, amusement, and father.

Janey Smith was ten years old, living with her father in Merida, the main city in the Yucatan. Janey and Mr Smith had been planning a big vacation for Janey in New York City in North America. Actually Mr Smith was trying to get rid of Janey so he could spend all his time with Sally, a twenty-one-year-old starlet who was still refusing to fuck him. One night Mr Smith and Sally went out and Janey knew her father and that woman were going to fuck. Janey was also very pretty, but she was kind of weird-looking because one of her eyes was lopsided.

Janey tore up her father's bed and shoved boards against the front door. When Mr Smith returned home, he asked Janey why she was acting like this.

Janey:
You're going to leave me.
(She doesn't know why she's saying this.)
Father
(dumbfounded, but not denying it):
Sally and I just slept together

for the first time. How can I know anything?
Janey
(in amazement. She didn't believe what she had been saying was true. It was only out of petulance):
You ARE going to leave me. Oh no. No. That can't be.
Father
(also stunned):
I never thought I was going to leave you. I was

just fucking.
Janey
(not at all calming herself down by listening to what he's saying. He knows her energy rises sharply and crazy when she's scared so he's probably provoking this scene):
You can't leave me. You can't.
(Now in full hysteria.)
I'll . . .
(Realizes she might be flying off the handle and creating the situation. Wants to hear his creation for a minute. Shivers with fear when she asks this.)
Are you madly in love with her?
Father
(thinking. Confusion's beginning):
I don't know.
Janey: I'm
not crazy.
(Realizing he's madly in love with the other woman.)
I don't mean to act like this.
(Realizing more and more how madly in love he is. Blurts it out.)
For the last month you've been spending

every moment you can with her. That's why you've stopped eating

meals with me. That's why you haven't been helping me the way you

usually do when I'm sick. You're madly in love with her, aren't you?
Father
(ignorant of this huge mess):
We just slept together for the first

time tonight.
Janey:
You told me you were just friends like me and Peter
(Janey's

stuffed lamb)
and you weren't going to sleep together. It's not like my

sleeping around with all these art studs: when you sleep with your

best friend, it's really, really heavy.
Father:
I know, Janey.
Janey
(she hasn't won that round; she threw betrayal in his face and he

didn't totally run away from it):
Are you going to move in with Sally?

(She asks the worst possibility.)
Father
(still in the same sad, hesitant, underlyingly happy because he wants

to get away, tone):
I don't know.
Janey
(She can't believe this. Every time she says the worst, it's true):
When

will you know? I have to make my plans.
Father:
We just slept together once. Why don't you just let things lie,

Janey, and not push?
Janey:
You tell me you love someone else, you're gonna kick me out,

and I shouldn't push. What do you think I am, Johnny? I love you.
Father:
Just let things be. You're making more of this than it really is.
Janey
(everything comes flooding out):
I love you. I adore you. When I

first met you, it's as if a light turned on for me. You're the first joy

I knew. Don't you understand?
Father
(silent).
Janey:
I just can't bear that you're leaving me: it's like a lance cutting

my brain in two: it's the worst pain I've ever known. I don't care

who you fuck. You know that. I've never acted like this before.
Father:
I
know.
Janey:
I'm just scared you're going to leave me. I know I've been shitty

to you: I've fucked around too much; I didn't introduce you to my

friends.
Father:
I'm just having an affair, Janey. I'm going to have this affair.
Janey
(now the rational one):
But you might leave me.
Father
(silent).
Janey:
OK.
(Getting hold of herself in the midst of total disaster and

clenching her teeth.)
I have to wait around until I see how things work

out between you and Sally and then I'll know if I'm going to live with

you or not. Is that how things stand?
Father:
I
don't know.
Janey:
You don't know! How am I supposed to know?

That night, for the first time in months, Janey and her father sleep together because Janey can't get to sleep otherwise. Her father's touch

is cold, he doesn't want to touch her mostly 'cause he's confused. Janey fucks him even though it hurts her like hell 'cause of her Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.

The following poem is by the Peruvian poet César Vallejo who, born 18 March 1892 (Janey was born 18 April 1964), lived in Paris fifteen years and died there when he was 46:

September
This September night, you fled So good to me ... up to grief and include! I don't know myself anything else But you, YOU don't have to be good.

This night alone up to imprisonment no prison Hermetic and tyrannical, diseased and panic-stricken I don't know myself anything else I don't know myself because I am grief-stricken.

Only this night is good, YOU

Making me into a whore, no

Emotion possible is distance God gave integral:

Your hateful sweetness I'm clinging to.

This September evening, when sown In live coals, from an auto Into puddles: not known.

Janey
(as her father was leaving the house):
Are you coming back tonight?

I don't mean to bug you.
(No longer willing to assert herself.)
I'm just

curious.
Father:
Of course I'll be back.

The moment her father left the house, Janey rushed to the phone and called up his best friend, Bill Russie. Bill had once fucked Janey, but his cock was too big. Janey knew he'd tell her what was happening with Johnny, if Johnny was crazy or not, and if Johnny really wanted to break up with Janey. Janey didn't have to pretend anything with Bill.
Janey:
Right now we're at the edge of a new era in which, for all sorts

of reasons, people will have to grapple with all sorts of difficult

problems, leaving us no time for the luxury of expressing ourselves

artistically. Is Johnny madly in love with Sally?
Bill:
No.

Janey:
No?
(Total amazement and hope.)
Bill:
It's something very deep between them, but he's not going to leave

you for Sally.
Janey
(with even more hope):
Then why's he acting this way? I mean:

he's talking about
leaving
me.

Bill:
Tell me exactly what's been happening, Janey. I want to know for my own reasons. This is very important. Johnny hasn't been treating me like a friend. He won't talk to me anymore.

Janey:
He won't? He feels you're his best friend.
(Making a decision.)
I'll tell you everything. You know I've been very sick.

Bill:
I didn't know that. I'm sorry, I won't interrupt anymore.

Janey:
I've been real sick. Usually Johnny helps out when I am, this time he hasn't. About a month ago he told me he was running around with Andrea and Sally. I said, 'Oh great,' it's great when he has new friends, he's been real lonely, I told him that was great. He said he was obsessed with Sally, a crush, but it wasn't sexual. I didn't care. But he was acting real funny toward me. I've never seen him act like that. The past two months he's treated me like he hates me. I never thought he'd leave me. He's going to leave me.

Bill
(breaking in):
Janey. Can you tell me exactly what happened last night? I have to know everything.
(She tells him.)
What do you think is going on?

Janey:
Either of two ... I am Johnny.
(Thinks.)
Either of two things.
(Speaks very slowly and clearly.)
First thing: I am Johnny. I'm beginning to have some fame, success, now women want to fuck me. I've never had women want me before. I want everything. I want to go out in the world as far as I can go. Do you understand what I'm talking about?

Bill:
Yes. Go
on.

Janey:
There are two levels. It's not that I think one's better than the other, you understand, though I do think one is a more mature development than the other. Second level: It's like commitment. You see what you want, but you don't go after every little thing; you try to work it through with the other person. I've had to learn this this past year. I'm willing to work with Johnny.

Bill:
I understand what's happening now. Johnny is at a place where he has to try everything.

Janey:
The first level. I agree.

Bill:
You've dominated his life since your mother died and now he hates you. He has to hate you because he has to reject you. He has to find out who he is.

Janey:
That would go along with the crisis he was having in his work this year.

Bill:
It's an identity crisis.

Janey:
This makes sense. . . . What should I
do?

Bill:
The thing you can't do is to freak out and lay a heavy trip on him.

Janey:
I've already done that.
(If she could giggle, she would.)

Bill:
You have to realize that you're the one person he hates, you're everything he's trying to get rid of. You have to give him support. If

you're going to freak out, call me, but don't show him any emotion.

Any emotion he'll hate you even more for.
Janey:
God. You know how I am. Like a vibrating nut.
Bill:
Be very very calm. He's going through a hard period, he's very

confused, and he needs your support. I'll talk to him and find out

more about what's going on. I have to talk to him anyway because I

want to find out why he hasn't been friendly to me. Later that afternoon Mr Smith came home from work.
Janey:
I'm sorry I got upset last night about Sally. It won't happen

again. I think it's great you've got a girlfriend you really care

about.
Father:
I've never felt like this about anyone. It's good for me to know

I can feel so strongly.
Janey:
Yes.
(Keeping her cool.)
I just wanted you to know if there's

anything I can do for you, I'd like to be your friend.
(Shaking a little.)
Father:
Oh, Janey. You know I care for you very deeply.
(That does it:

Janey bursts into tears.)
I'm just confused right now. I want to be my

myself.
Janey:
You're going to leave me.
Father:
Just let things be. I've got to go.
(He obviously wants to get out