Blissful Surrender (11 page)

To distract my mind from these befuddling thoughts, I scan my surroundings, falling back on my habit of always being on the job.

Although it’s busy, the restaurant’s atmosphere is warm and welcoming. The worn wooden floors are polished to perfection, and multi-colored pastel draped curtains line the floor to ceiling windows along the street front. Then there are the table dressings. Crisp white tablecloths perfectly pleated with two crystal clear water glasses filled with a rolled, blood-red napkin. Every care has been taken, and the attention to detail is flawless.

“Samantha, would you like me to order some wine?” Sean’s deep voice rumbles through me. I look back over at him, giving him the gentlest of smiles.

“Sure, that would be nice.” He nods and picks up the menu, perusing it with a concentrated frown, only looking up when our waiter stops at his side.

“Would you like to order some drinks?” the young man asks us both.

“Yes, I’d like to order a bottle of the Indaba Sauvignon Blanc, please. And if I could order our meal as well, we’ll have the
Messob Sampler
.” He closes the menu and places it in the waiter’s outstretched hand.

“Your wine will be brought to your table shortly, sir.” He looks at me briefly, “Madam,” then leaves.

I stare at Sean in shock. In barely a minute he’s ordered our drinks and meal without even stopping to consider that I might want to order something different. There is being a gentleman and asking if he can order on your behalf, then there is steamrolling your dinner date and taking over. Sean is obviously a believer in the second philosophy.

“Did you think that I might want to order something myself?” I ask incredulously, unable to hold back my disbelief.

He looks at me with eyes dancing with amusement. What the fuck is funny with what I just said? “I’m sorry, Samantha. Old habits die hard. You always used to like it when I ordered for the both of us.”

I open my mouth to voice an objection but stop mid gape. Surely he can’t be serious. “Sean, that was ten years ago. People do change you know.” I point a finger at my chest. “For example,
me
.”

He chuckles and leans back in his seat, still amused at my reaction. “I’ve apologized already, and I’m not going to do it again. If you would like, we’ll change the order when the waiter returns. I simply thought you’d enjoy the choices that the sampler provides. It is a three course dinner with
sambussa, messob
and dessert. The full Ethiopian dining experience. I was just trying to cover all bases.”

Well, fuck! How can I argue with that? My previously squared shoulders relax as I give up the fight over a stupid dinner order. I don’t know what tonight is about, but I have a feeling from Sean’s confident demeanor that he has everything planned out. He always had to know what was going to happen and when. To put it plainly, he was a hard man to surprise.

“I’m sorry. I’m just nervous I guess.”

“Nervous, Sammy?”

My eyes go wide when I hear his pet name for me. Ever since I saw him at the hospital, I have been Samantha. In two days he has made my world shift on its axis with promises of seeing me again, and yesterday’s declaration where he told me in no uncertain terms that he wants to taste, touch and hear me as I come, it has always been Samantha. Shit, is it getting hot in here?

“A bit I guess,” I reply honestly. “But you were always one to keep me on my toes and I’ve realized that is something that hasn’t changed either.” I watch in fascination as his head falls back and roars with laughter, looking more at ease than he has all evening. His laughter dies down to a quiet chuckle as he grins over the table at me. “Shit, I needed that. Thank you.”

I shrug my shoulders but can’t hide the sly smile on my face as I look out the window of the restaurant, trying to appear unaffected by the nothing short of dazzling man across from me. But if I thought I was succeeding, the intense heated stare Sean gives me in response negates that. Thankfully we’re interrupted by the waiter returning with our wine. He uncorks the bottle, pouring a little splash in Sean’s glass before holding it out to him to taste. I watch intently as he lifts the glass to his mouth, pausing to smell the aroma of the wine before parting his lips and tasting the wine. He lowers the glass and locks eyes with me across the table, running his tongue along the inside rim which causing me to squeeze my legs together. I curse the gods for subjecting me to this scene. I’m feeling so hot I’m starting to think I
am
in Africa.

Dammit! I knew I should have taken the edge off before Sean picked me up. Now I’m sexualizing everything the man does. I mean, he’s just tasting the wine and I’m picturing his lips tasting wine from another vessel … me. He shoots me a sexy knowing smirk. Damn mind reader!

He nods and holds his glass out to the waiter who proceeds to fill it, then shifts to my glass, pouring the cool, pale-yellow liquid before bowing slightly and leaving us alone once more.

Sean picks up his glass and holds it up. “To old friends and new beginnings.” I clink the crystal against his and bring the edge of the glass to my mouth, my senses scattered between the sensory assault of the wine and Sean’s words full of unspoken meaning.

“So tell me what you’ve been up to for the past decade. I was surprised but not shocked when you told me you were a police officer.” He rests his arm of the table, the other hand held close to his chest as he cradles his wine glass. He’s the poster boy for relaxed and carefree right now and it secretly irks me because inside I’m a contradiction of feelings—annoyance to lust, and regret to wonder at the difference a decade can make. He clears his throat, and again I’m brought back to reality.

“Uh, yeah,” I reply with a smile. “After college I needed a change of scenery and had always intended to look at enforcement of some kind. It just happens that the CPD accepted me.”

He nods. “And you enjoy your work?”

I take another long sip of wine to quench my parched throat before answering. “Definitely. I wouldn’t do it otherwise. It’s so fulfilling. I like to think I’m making a difference.”

His expression turns from interest to one full of respect. “I can definitely see you relishing that role. And look how it has brought us back full circle. The two of us, together … having dinner … just two old
friends
reminiscing.”

“And errant younger brothers who never learn?”

He chuckles. “An unfortunate event that resulted in a positive outcome for at least one of the Miller men. The jury is still out on the fate of the other one.”

I smile and decide it’s now or never if I want to find out about the Sean of my past. “And how about you? After pre-law, you stayed in Chicago?”

“I kind of had to with Ryan and his never ending brushes with trouble. And after our grandfather passed, it just seemed right to stay in the house for a while. We still have it. I rent it to a nice family who take cares of it as if it’s their own.”

And just like that, the elephant in the room makes its quiet entrance.

Knowing it wasn’t intentional, I side step the pang of guilt that sucker punches me at the mention of his grandfather’s death. “I was sorry to hear about your grandfather’s passing.”

He nods but doesn’t speak, his eyes are a different story. They narrow and he tilts his head to the side as if he’s studying me. Feeling unsettled and under the spotlight I continue talking, chastising myself for being so paranoid and tense. “And corporate law? You were looking at criminal practice initially …”

“Mmm hmm. But things change, people change. Corporate law seemed to fit me better. Just like law enforcement seems to fit you.”

I murmur my agreement. I keep picking up on veiled hints of our past, and what I think are subtle barbs disguised as polite conversation. I’m distracted and mentally weighing his words when I’m saved by the bell, or in this case, saved by the waiter bringing us our appetizers.

As we begin to eat, the silence stretches between us. But by GOD is the food delicious. I swear I’m on the verge of a food orgasm. The wonderful mix of flavors are heaven sent.

When we’re finished the appetizers and our plates are taken away, I feel exposed and vulnerable. No, it’s not that I don’t trust the man in front of me. I always did, implicitly. No, I feel emotionally bare, defenseless and open for interrogation. And of course, Sean is not one to disappoint.

“So is there a special man in your life?” he asks, the twitch in his tightened jaw a dead giveaway that the thought grates on him.

Feeling emboldened by the wine, I decide to be completely honest with him, knowing that I’ll be goading a reaction out of him. “Do you think I’d be here if I did?” I reply with a sly smirk. He quirks a brow and I swallow hard before continuing. “There’s someone who I enjoy uncommitted benefits with, but I have no time or inclination for anything more permanent. My career is what is important to me right now.”

His eyes darken and I swear I hear a growl from his side of the table. “What’s his name?” he asks, his voice low and menacing.

“Tanner. Why?” A thrill goes through me at his reaction to another man in my life, and it confuses the hell out of me.

Our main selection arrives and I know this may be my last chance to find out the one thing that has been eating away at me since I first saw Sean again at the hospital.

“And how about you, Sean? Any special lady?”

He doesn’t even flinch at the question, answering without hesitation. “No. My heart was well and truly done for by one woman a long time ago. Haven’t had the time or desire to try for anything else since.”

I fill my fork with food and stuff my mouth with it, willing the earth to swallow me up whole. This conversation is fucking with my head and my emotions.

Thankfully, we’re soon too busy eating to continue the interrogation. It’s not to say that we don’t exchange pleasantries and light banter. That side of things was always easy for the two of us. Our issues stem from the deeper stuff, the wants and desires and hopes for the future. Or more importantly, my denial about my sexual submissiveness. There’s also the fact that I let someone who should have known better poison my mind and belittle the love I had for him, twisting it into something I was told I had no business selling myself short for.

By the time our plates are cleared away at the end of the meal, and the bottle of wine has been long emptied, I’m too blissed out from the food orgy I’ve just experienced to notice a shift in Sean’s mood. He calls for the bill, and hands over his platinum card to the Maître d’ before standing up, holding out his hand and pulling me up until my body is flush with his.

“I had a good time tonight. But I’m still wondering why we had to miss out on ten years of spending time together like this. If you’re agreeable, I’d like to walk off some of this food stupor and talk honestly with each other about what happened back then.” He places his hand on the small of my back and pushes firmly. Without realizing, I’m soon moving forward and walking out the front door with him.

As soon as the cool night air hits my skin I freeze, realizing what just happened.
This
is what I’d been wanting to avoid.
This
is what I didn’t want to face. He watches me intently, not missing the moment my body goes rigid.

“I … uh …”

“Sammy.” There goes that name again. The one that has the power to turn me to mush in two syllables. I feel the tension in my body ease slightly and automatically lean toward him. His eyes soften as he continues, “I’m not going to tie you up and spank you, Sam … well, not until you admit you want me to. Even if the thought of your red glowing ass under my hand turns me on …”

That instantly gets my back up again. Who the hell does he think he is saying he wants to spank my ass red? That’s going too damn far.

I cannot deny that there have been times over the years when I have contemplated looking Sean up, but I’ve always stopped myself before googling his name because of the shame I feel when I think back to what I did. And now he’s standing here in all his dominant, commanding, handsome glory asking me to walk with him and talk about what happened.

I just can’t do it.

I feel the warmth of his body against mine and the slut part of my brain tries to reason with the rational side that there would be no harm, no foul if I just let Sean have his wicked way with me. Then a small sliver of clear thinking shines through and I realize that I need to get out of this situation and fast. I change from my sexy panties to my bitch panties, pulling back my shoulders and looking him straight in the eye.

“Look, Sean, I appreciate dinner and it has been great to catch up, but I’m not willing to take a walk down memory lane with you and rehash the past. It was good, then it was bad, and now it is great to reconnect, but I think it’s best if we just put this down to exactly what you said, two old friends catching up for old times’ sake. Now we can move on knowing there is no animosity between us so if we see each other around, it won’t be awkward.”

Well, that came out better than I could’ve hoped.

He takes a step back from me and I immediately lose the warm, mellow feeling I had as it transforms into something more closely resembling the hard look that now mars his beautiful face. “Right. So I invite you to a nice, well thought out meal, if I do say so myself. We share a bottle of wine, you clamp up the minute the topic of conversation hits too close to home, and now when I suggest a walk after our wonderful, albeit quiet dinner, you balk and decide it’s too
hard
.”

“Well, I—”

“No. You’re right. At least one of us can think clearly around the other because I thought that this night would take another turn, maybe lead down a different, definitely more enjoyable path. I was obviously mistaken. I see that your complete inability to be honest with yourself
hasn’t
changed.”

Now that got my back up. “Hang on a minute. You can’t honestly think that you could bring me out for a nice meal and I’d lay down on my back, spread my legs and put out like some spineless submissive whore. That’s barbaric!” I shout, not giving a fuck that we’re in the middle of the sidewalk.