Bliss (The Custos) (18 page)

              Cash captured my face in his hands and kissed me good and hard, he fisted his hands in my hair to pull me closer and bit at my lips and tongue. "All I think about is you and how I would kill, I
will
kill any man or beast that fucks with you. You are so much more than a warm body to me. I fucking..... Fuck, I love you London. Way more than I should and that is the only reason I won’t turn you, not now. Not while you’re angry."

              Wow! I sooooo didn’t expect that.

              I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think. I tried to pull my gaze from Cash's but I was frozen. With every second that passed I felt my skin burn, tighten as if I would simply combust from the pressure here. "You can’t." I said my voice barely visible to any human, but I knew Cash heard me loud and clear. Oh God I wanted to say it back, but not at what it would cost him.

              His intense stare didn’t waver when he spoke, "Can’t?"

              I tried to step free of the cage he was keeping me in, his sent was overwhelming me, I couldn’t breathe. "No, you can’t. Let me go please." My voice betrayed me, I was shaky and uneasy and all I wanted was to run from the room.

              "For someone who wants to be loved so badly, you look upset Princess." His tone was mocking and I knew he was calling my bluff.

              He was right. All I ever wanted was standing before me, looking at me as if I had the answers to his salvation and I wanted to run? Careful to shield my thoughts, lest they betray me I held my chin high. "Yes, you can’t. Love is precious and it takes time." Pride in my words I spoke matter of fact like. "You have known me less than a month and yet you toss the word love around as if it were .... I don’t know....Pizza."

              "Pizza?" He asked offended.

              "Bad word choice I know but my point is in there somewhere." If he kept looking at me like that I would crumble. I had to stay strong here.

              "The point being that I have no clue what I am saying?" The look he gave me was quick but it spoke volumes. If I hadn’t known better I would have sworn I'd hurt him.

              "No I think you believe you love me, but you have no idea who I am Cash." The levity of this moment made me sick but I had to get through it. I would not watch him love me and I fail him day by day as I had everyone else in my life.

              He relaxed his stance but I still couldn’t get free. Looking him in the eye, I saw that his face had softened. "Princess I know you; I have been in your mind. As a Vampire I survive on the few senses I have and love is one of them, a big one. We move faster and feel deeper because of it. I know the truth behind emotions and how to read them. I know love Princess and it is stronger as a Vampire and more alarming."

              "I can’t do this right now Cash, please let me go." I sounded broken, I was broken, damaged goods and I didn’t want to be Cash's mistake.

              I didn’t expect him to let me go, but he did. I took the opportunity to run, as far from all of this that I could.

*

London

             
Whenever one is in need of a little get the aggression out therapy I recommend the treadmill. I ran that night for hours.....well ok I ran for about an hour but it took me hours to get to the hour mark, I took a few breaks....Three days ago. One more thing to ad to my list of shit? Get in shape.

              I hadn’t spoken to Cash for three nights. I avoided him like the plague, and considering he seen the plague, literally, I think I did a good job avoiding him because I hadn’t even seen him. Maybe it was for the best; whatever connection we shared was over gone and it made my heart ache. I had been such a fool. So much was going on that for him to drop another bomb in the mix didn’t seem fare. How could he ask me accept his love for me when he refused to give me the only thing I desired.

              Immortality.

              I could have found it on my own know problem, but there was no way out of the house without being caught and what was the point to go in the daylight, Vamps couldn’t due the UV thing so I was simply shit out of luck.

              I wanted to tell him I was sorry though, if anything I at least wanted that. I missed Preacher too, it was like he and Cash were a package deal and if I avoided one I didn’t get the other. But before I could ponder and wallow in my sad version of a life I heard footsteps behind me.

              Turning I saw Preacher standing in the doorway; "For a Vampire you sure don’t do the sneaky sinuous sneak up very well." He moved to fast for me to follow and as I turned around he was standing behind me. "Well ok, I see you can be sneaky when you want to. What's up?" I tried to keep my voice chipper even though I was dying inside. I was just happy to see him.

              Smiling he opened his arms to me and said, "Cookie, come here." His voice spoke volumes on how badly I hurt inside and there was no hiding it from him. Even in his human years he was the person people turned to in distress, why should it be any different in death?

              I went to his arms willingly and tried my best to hold back my tears. "I really have fucked it all up Preacher."

              "Nothing is ever too fucked up Cookie, not while we still have the chance to fix the fucked up." My tears came at their own volition and I wanted to scream at my own weakness. "Let it go now, let it go Cookie or it's gonna control you forever."

              The levee broke. I had no control over my emotions and I felt my knees go week but Preacher held me and said nothing as I fell apart in his arms. In that moment I felt the power of religion, not the battle of good and evil but the simple power of believing. I remembered this poem; it was in a card my Father got after my Grandmother died. It was about the hard times in life and how Jesus was who carried you, and footprints, his footprints or something and I wished I could remember it, because in that moment Preacher carried my burdens and let me cry. "How do I let go Preacher, tell me what to do."

              "Oh Cookie, I can’t tell you how to live your life other than to live it. This idea you have about becoming a Vampire to best your Father and Conlin is half cocked and dangerous. In your state you could turn
Nex
so easily and then I would have to kill you, and Cookie I love you far too much to want to do that."

              I laughed and felt the burden of my tears ease. "You Vampires sure like to throw that word around, makes a girl kinda blush."

              "Aahhhh." Preacher said knowingly and shook his head before sitting down Next to me on the floor. "He does you know, love you. I know it's hard for you to see it and accept it but he does."

              "I know, that’s why this is so hard. I wasn’t prepared for him, for any of this really but least of all him." How was I supposed to tell him that I had no words to describe Cash and the pull I felt to him? I had only loved one time in my life and it ended so badly that I shut myself off from the idea let alone the hope. And now here I sat faced with the ultimate dilemma, to trust in my life by placing it in his hands and hope I didn’t get killed. I loved him for that reason alone, the fact he would kill and die willingly to make sure I lived. How could I ever love him enough to make it worth it?

              "You can’t Cookie, you could never promise to love him enough to make it worth it, because to you it would never be, his life would then become more important than your own." And just like that, true to form Preacher made his point, even if he were reading my mind.

              I brought my knees to my chest and hung my head letting my tears flow now without shame. Preacher said nothing; he simply stroked my back and let me get it all out. I had to let it go, all of it. My Father was a prick and would be till the day he died and as for Conlin, well how could I pretend to be surprised. I had been fooled but now I knew who he was and for whatever reason yet remained to be seen I knew I would be ok. But I couldn’t let the Vampire thing go. If Cash loved me, truly madly deeply then I needed to know that he would turn me or there was no point. No way in hell was I growing old and wrinkly while he remained timeless and perfect. Fuck. That.

              Preacher started laughing and I knew he was reading me because I had not even bothered blocking, I hurt and I liked knowing I didn’t have to talk about it and that he would still know what I was feeling. "I mean it Preacher. No way in hell will I age and lose my ability to wipe my own ass while the two of you remain suspended in all your glory."

              "I'll talk to him Cookie; I'll get him to come around." That had me looking at him.

              "You will? Wait does that mean you want me to be a Vampire? Because I don’t care what he says, if he won’t turn me you can and then he can just deal with it later."

              "Cookie, he would kill me if I even toyed with turning you. But yes, to answer you I would be fine with you around for the next few hundred years, you make things
very
interesting."

              "I know, I just have this thing that makes me a blast to be around." Now we both laughed because we both knew I was only mildly joking. I am a pretty amazing gal. "Why would he care who turned me though, I get ya'll are possessive but your my best friend."

              "Because Cookie, to Cash, you are his and his alone. I am your friend and I love you dearly, but my love for you stems from a completely different string. I love you like I loved my children or the way siblings love one another, you and Cash are home to me, my family. But to Cash, Cookie you are his....everything."

              "He won’t even agree to change me when this is all over. How can I commit to him and come clean telling him how deeply I feel if he isn’t sure he can be mine forever? He says I can’t grasp the reality of what forever means but neither can he."

              "I promise you Cookie that’s not the problem. Do you have any idea how Vampires are sired?" His voice had taken on an edge I hadn’t heard except for once in the Van when he looked like he may kill me and almost did giving my memories back.

              "Tell me." I demanded no fear in my voice. When it came to Preacher you had to just say it and not fuck around with words, he was freaky like that and could smell manipulation miles away.

              "He watches you die. Plain and simple Cookie, he sees the light literally fade from you and has no choice but to pray that you come through the other side. It's a bloody heartache." Preacher said nothing else but I knew he was thinking of Emigen.

              "If you had been turned before your wife and kids....." I didn’t say the words...."Would you have turned her?" I thought I knew what his answer would be but I still asked.

              "No, I would have said goodbye to her while she slept, I would have kissed Mary and Peter goodbye and I would have disappeared, and never looked back. I cursed them all with my jealousy, how could I curse them with this life when they were killed by the hand of it?"

              "If you had the choice to go back that night at the warehouse, would you do anything different? Knowing what you know now I mean?" I was a little scared to ask so many questions. I feared that I would say something to hurt him but I trusted Preacher and he knew what I was going up against and he would pull no punches by telling me the truth.

              "I would do it all the exact same way, I would change nothing. I sleep because I know I will avenge them, I will look into Angelo's eyes and watch him die, slowly....painfully and he will be terrified."

              I got the shivers from hearing the way he spoke, with such conviction and ....pride. "Damn Preacher you can be a scary son of a bitch when you want to be."

              He laughed and stood, lending me his hand so I could stand. "I know." He said winking. "I'll talk to Cash but so will you Cookie." He didn’t ask me he told me.

              I nodded and let him kiss me on the cheek. Before he left I had to ask. "Preacher...."

He turned seconds before walking out the door. "What we talked about.... can we.... I-