Bleak Expectations (38 page)

1806

Philip Put-That-In-The Bin born to Thomas and Agnes Bin of Bin Manor, Little Itchingham, in the county of Kentlesex.

1806–27

The events of this book take place. They shall not be spoiled here. Or, if you’ve already read it, they shall not be recapped here.

1828

Mysteriously, no trace of Philip Bin’s activities exists for this year. Though in other events it is a leap year, the Duke of Wellington becomes Prime Minister, Andrew Jackson is elected President of the United States of America, Henrik Ibsen is born, London Zoo opens, Jöns Jakob Berzelius discovers the element thorium, Ányos Jedlik creates the world’s first electric motor, Mary Anning finds the first pterosaur fossil in Lyme Regis, the MCC changes the Laws of Cricket to allow round-arm bowling, Dresden University of Technology is founded and the Treaty of Turkmenchay is signed.
¹

1829

Wins All England Foreigner Baiting Competition for the first time, defeating ‘Rude’ Jem Sawbridge in the final.

1830–31

Adventuring abroad and at home; conquers the West Pole and discovers the fabled North-West passage from London to Manchester.

1832

Becomes Member of Parliament for the constituency of Poverty-St-Mary and Dreadfulness North. Refusing to join either Whig or Tory party, sets up his own combination of the two, the Twig party.

1833

Marries second wife Miss Ripely Fecund, seventeenth daughter of Reverend Godly Fecund, nine times voted the Church of England’s most muscular Christian.

1834–47

Has innumerable children, like the Victorians often did.

1834

Knighted by Queen Victoria after rescuing her from kidnap by Mr Gently Benevolent – Bin’s former guardian.

1835

First novel
Bleak Expectations
published. Rapidly becomes best-selling book in British history, after the Duke of Wellington’s
How to Hate a Frenchman Vol II
.

1835½

Bin sued by a Mr Gently Benevolent over portrayal in
Bleak Expectations
. Argues it is a travesty of his actual character.

1836

Bin loses libel case against Mr Gently Benevolent. Forced to pay damages of £150,000, financially destroying him.

1837

A sequel to
Bleak Expectations
,
Bleaker Expectations
is published to try and restore his financial standing. It sells even better than the first book, and Sir Philip becomes rich again.

1838

Sued for a second time by Mr Gently Benevolent over portrayal in
Bleaker Expectations
. Benevolent wins, damages again ruin Bin.

1839

Publishes
Bleakest Expectations
in attempt to re-restore fortunes once more. Succeeds, as book becomes bestseller.

1840

Sued yet again by Mr Gently Benevolent, loses, huge damages, new book, sued again, loses again etc, etc, etc – this cycle continues for the next five years.

1845

Bin spends all year sulking and writing rude letters to lawyers.

1846

Mr Gently Benevolent attempts to take over world with help of evil undead army, Bin leads army to defeat him; on the basis that his attempt to conquer the world was a truer representation of his character, Mr Gently Benevolent’s libel victories are reversed and Sir Philip is awarded the money back with interest.

1847

Now the richest man in history, Sir Philip retires from public life.

1848

Bored, he reappears in public life. Publishes first true fiction book,
Graham Grambleby
. Critics hate it, but it still sells well.

1849

Publishes
A Story of Two Towns
, set in the fictional Prussian revolution. Critics love it, but it only sells five copies.

1850

Founds monthly magazine
Storymuncher
, weekly magazine
Mr Dingle’s Narrative Bag
and daily magazine
Words & Ting
.

1851

Adds hourly magazine
All The Hour Round
. The effort of publishing twenty-four times a day is too much, and he uses his powers as a Member of Parliament to introduce a bill redefining the hour as seven hundred and twenty minutes. The bill passes. The British economy almost instantly collapses, as most workers are paid by the hour and therefore wages are reduced by a factor of twelve. It takes the abolition of the bill and a small war with France to mend the economy.

1852

Publishes out of character ‘entertainments’
Riff-raffles the Proletarian Thief
and
Lustful Killer Bees From Mars
; the latter is banned for obscenity until 1960 when the famous Lustful Killer Bees Trial is won, resulting in the first publication for over a hundred years.

1853

After Charles Dickens’s
Bleak House
becomes bestseller, Bin publishes his own
Miserable Mansion
, which instantly becomes a worstseller.

1854

Furious with Dickens for outselling him, Sir Philip retires from public life for the second time.

1855

Returns to public life with series of readings from new novels
Dombey and Daughter
and
Massive Dorrit
. Hugely popular – but each sells two copies fewer than Dickens’s latest works, plunging Bin into fury.

1856

After drunken political evening in Downing Street, Sir Philip accidentally becomes Prime Minister for three hours, during which he declares war on France, makes cats illegal, replaces income tax with a reverse-lottery where the winners have to hand over all their money to the government, introduces the vote for farmyard animals but still not women, bans trousers in pubs and renames March Sirphilipruary. Reluctantly resigns with highest ratings of any Prime Minister ever.

1857

Publishes three new books, all of which are entirely blank. Claims it is a joke on the literary mores of the time; later admits he’d just forgotten to write them.

1858

Sir Philip took the year off, and did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Seriously. He just sat in a chair for a year, staring, broken only by a twelve hour sleep every night.

1859

Reinvigorated by his year of rest, starts quest to destroy Charles Dickens for taking his place as Britain’s most loved novelist. In July is arrested for breaking into Dickens’ London home and balancing buckets of water on top of doors and giving him an apple pie bed.

1860

Dickens moves out of London to Gad’s Hill Place near Rochester. Sir Philip gleefully claims responsibility.

1861

On publicity trip to America accidentally starts US Civil War when visiting Fort Sumter and jokingly asking, ‘is this cannon loaded?’ It was.

1862

Publishes final volume of autobiographical fiction,
Even More Bleakerest Expectations
. Widely accused of making it all up.

1863

Tours Antarctica giving series of readings to icebound explorers, penguins and massively lost polar bears.

1864

Publishes seasonal tale
A Christmas Quarrel
. Though he claims it is fiction, it is widely held to be a syllable for syllable transcription of a family argument over how to cook the turkey.

1865

Bin causes railway accident at Staplehurst, believed to be attempt to nobble Dickens.

1866–70

The ‘disguise years’. Spends bulk of fortune on makeup, costumes, false beards and hats to appear as different person at every public reading Dickens does and heckle viciously.

1871

Is drunk for the whole year in guilty celebration of death of Dickens the year before. Publishes cheap cash-in book
The Dickens I Hated
and is reviled both critically and popularly.

1872–80

Disappears from public life once more, with only occasional appearances to be rude about other writers.

1881

Briefly reappears drunk and naked to claim he has invented a new type of cheese called Choddar. It turns out to be just Cheddar painted orange.

1882–91

The lost years – including divorce, remarriage, redivorce, re-remarriage, re-training as a marriage guidance counsellor, addictions, depression, pessimism, weight gain and bitterness. So a normal writer’s life, then.

1892

Death of second wife Ripely. After being seen publicly to shed a tear at her funeral is condemned for weakness by every male in the British Empire. But receives two million offers of marriage from women desperate for a man who might express at least a tiny bit of emotion.

1893

Marries two million women in world’s largest ever wedding ceremony.

1894

Divorces all two million new wives after eleven months and three weeks on realizing that imminent purchase of so many wedding anniversary presents will financially ruin him.

1895

With late burst of creative energy, re-emerges into public life. Sets up the Post-Raphaelite Brotherhood, dedicated to showing the beauty of crayons and finger-painting in art. Also composes fifteen symphonies, writes eight plays, tickles two trout, and produces thin volume of sonnets and massively fat volume of abusive poems about Arthur Conan Doyle, George Gissing and Rudyard Kipling.

1896

After publication of
Jude the Obvious
, a thinly veiled parody of
Jude the Obscure
, the ninety-year-old Sir Philip has a fist-fight with Thomas Hardy – the culmination of a long-running feud which Hardy was previously unaware of.

1897

Sets up home in Worcestershire with one-time mortal enemy Mr Gently Benevolent who is now well over a hundred years old but thanks to dabbling in the dark arts looks no older than forty-five or so.

1897–1914

Further lost years – there is no trace of Sir Philip in any records of the time. He and Mr Benevolent are rumoured to have travelled the pan-dimensional universe, though they may just have stayed in Worcestershire really, really quietly without anyone noticing.

1915

At the age of one hundred and nine, Sir Philip wins the Victoria Cross for leading a British charge against the German lines at the second battle of Ypres. He later admits he thought he was charging the French lines.

1916

Sir Philip dies in an incident involving a swimming pool full of brandy and forty-eight semi-naked dancing girls: a post-mortem reveals that at the age of a hundred and ten in such circumstances he simply smiled himself to death.