Black and Blue: BWWM Romance

I
fall
in love easily and out of love even quicker, but with this guy it was different. We had only been doing this, whatever you want to call it, for a month or so but already I was deeply into him. I can’t get him off my mind but we are too different.

I found out the hard way that maybe we shouldn’t be together. But instead of confronting my issues, I did what I do best, drown myself in school.

Now I was at a table in the law school lounge, books and notes all over the place, trying to make myself forget about Brian and everything we had done.

Right now school and the prosecutor's decision playing on a nearby television was all that mattered. Everything else I pushed to the side.

“What would you do?” asked my new study buddy Amanda. Her afro and “
Black Lives Matter
” shirt showed all that she was unapologetically black and I loved that about her. So when I lost my first study buddy, gravitating to the only other black girl in my class was a given.

“They have to prosecute him, there was no other way.” I told her. I was thankful for this reprieve, to have the time to think of something else besides Brian and me.

“Yeah I agree.” she took notes as I watched the beginning of the news conference.

I went over the information a few times, at least the information that the city was releasing to the public.

A black teenager, barely out of high school was unarmed but was still shot by a police officer multiple times. He clung on to his life for a day or two in the hospital but eventually he died from his injuries. The city was in an uproar from the events and the information that was being spoon fed to the community. And now finally we would get word on whether charges would be filed against the officer.

My law mind was hard at work as I watched the county prosecutor; putting myself in his shoes I would definitely charge the officer. I loved to think about things like this instead of my real life. Work or phantom law cases were better than thinking about being in love with a man that was on the wrong side.

I had thought about that all day. There was no need for me to keep pushing the envelope on the situation with Brian. Here I go again, bringing up his name.

Push it out of your mind Alicia
. So that's what I did, I didn’t want to think about Brian, my dad, losing my mom, or even Joe. I just wanted to immerse myself in the law because, unlike love, the law wasn’t subjective or emotional...it just was.

“If it were me I would prosecute, no question.” Amanda repeated to someone else. I nodded to her as she spoke, agreeing with her words but neither of us are attorneys...yet. We are only law students in our first year with no passing of the bar exam and no legal credentials behind our names.

Instead of being on television giving my statement, I was here at the law school building inside the lounge studying as everyone crowded around the television in the sitting area.

Any pertinent stories or court cases were always being broadcasted on this television and tonight one of the most important incidents in the past decade was being decided, whether a police officer would be charged with murder.

Originally I said I would watch this but that was before all hell broke loose in my life. This case was cupcakes and ice cream compared to the personal war in my head.

The prosecutor stood at a podium with other men in suits and law enforcement crowded around. We were all quiet as mice, looking at the monitor, waiting for him to get to the point. Was the white officer going to be charged for killing an unarmed black teenager or would he be set free.

“After extensive research, testimony, and investigation, I and my team of the Saint Louis County prosecutor’s office have decided not to charge Officer Miller with the shooting and resulting death that took place…” I went deaf for a minute. What I was hearing made no sense to me and as the camera panned out over the audience of people that were crowded around they all looked the way I felt.

Then the camera switched to the streets; the hometown of the young man that was killed. Tears filled the peoples’ faces as they screamed and immediately began throwing items at the police.

I couldn’t blame them, I was mad myself. Looking around at the faces in the law building I was ready to throw something.

“This isn’t right! He killed that boy in cold blood.” Amanda screamed. “Black Lives Matter.” I wasn’t sure if that was true anymore. Did our lives matter? Looking back at the screen, something caught my eye. A dozen officers, all in riot gear with their batons drawn, ready to attack a man when one lone officer stood out and covered the man, shielding him from an attack.

I recognized him immediately.

“It looks to be an officer shielding a protester from other officers.” One of newscasters gave commentary as if this were a heavyweight fight and not a civil protest.

But that wasn’t just any officer. Walking over to the television I could tell it was Brian, he was screaming and when he took off his mask, I saw those blue eyes shining.

“What is going on down there?” Asked one of the anchors and I wanted to know too. What exactly was happening?

Brian was pushing the officers away from the protestor. I smiled seeing him in action. He was a good guy after all.

“It seems to be….” the news anchor was interrupted by the sound of gunshots. Blood splashed across the screen as bodies fell and amidst all the commotion I could hear Brian screaming. I couldn’t make out much else as the camera man began running, the picture skewed as it bounced around onto indecipherable objects.

“What happened...what’s going on?” I looked around for verification from anyone but they were all as shocked as I was.

“I guess they are shooting.”

“Officer down...officer down…” I heard someone yelling off camera. People running and the cameraman on the move made it hard to see what was going on until the screen went black.

“Looks like we have lost the feed on the ground.” The news anchor was back in the studio going on to another story but my heart was with Brian.

What happened, was he hurt?

“I guess we’ll hear about it tomorrow. Cop down; serves them right?” But Brian wasn’t like that, he wasn’t a racist and nobody deserved to be killed.

I grabbed my books, and shoved them into my backpack as I tried to hold in the tears and keep my hands from turning into full-blown tremors.

“Where are you going? Study group starts in a few minutes.” Amanda said, looking concerned. But if I uttered a word, I would probably break down in tears.

I ran from the building, heading to my car on a mission to find out what happened to Brian.

But I thought you said you were done with him
. My mind was challenging me as I started the car but I had no answer. I needed to find out what was happening with Brian; the man I had only known for only a few weeks but who had now moved me to tears. I never got like this, emotional over a guy and especially never over a white guy.

I was in new territory and as I merged into traffic. All I could think about was where this started, how my life twisted in a few seconds when I met him and now I would never be the same.

B
reathe Deep Alicia
...Deep breath.
I was trying not to have a full-blown panic attack right in the middle of my lecture hall but I couldn’t help it. After all of this hard work, I was actually here, at my first law school lecture, but to me it felt like I was swimming in a sea of sharks.

I was so close to being a lawyer with a full three years of law school ahead of me. Like a boxing match, law school is full of competition, and that fight started today.

Let your guard down and someone will knock you out, and this lasts for three years in every class. Every test is weighted against your classmates on the notorious grading curve. It was sink or swim with chapter upon chapter to read and information to recall at moment’s notice. Yes, this was my first day but I was already seeing from the people in the room with me that this would be the most challenging time of my life. I could feel the tension in the air and deep down this scared the shit out of me.

Something about being here with all these people and the tons of information was sort of overloading me. The small goose bumps on my arms were at attention and my fidgeting had already started; clear signs that I was on my way to panic attack land but I wouldn’t let that stop me. All of these years of psyching myself out and somehow I finally made it. A damn panic attack or my level of feeling overwhelmed was not going to hold me back now.

I sat in the back of the hall for a reason. If I needed to make a quick exit, the door was but a few steps away and I would be in the fresh air of the hallway.

“Welcome to Torts all you lovely 1L’s” I was finally a 1L, a first year law student, and the professor’s voice boomed through the hall as I pulled out my notepad, scrambling to take notes.

“You will be introduced to the Socratic method and if you don’t know what that is, I suggest you drop out now.” I knew exactly what he was talking about, prepared tirelessly on the new learning style and that was another thing that made me nervous.

“Now I know you saw that chapters one through five would be discussed this week. I hope you didn’t come to class without reading.” I felt like he was talking directly to me, with the room full of people he scanned over the crowd calling out names but I wasn’t afraid, yet I kept thinking about where I came from and what I went through to get here.

With everything I had been through I never thought I would make it through college, let alone law school. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t about being smart enough, I was always at the top of my class and graduated valedictorian. And it was never that I didn’t have enough ambition, because even as a kid I knew I wanted to be a lawyer.

When the neighborhood kids played house, I always wanted to play court. Bringing out black sheets for a judge's robe and my mom’s old glasses and work blazers to play the prosecutor.

As the judge or the prosecutor, my family said I was a natural born litigator, so there was no wonder that I ended up here at law school. When I was a young girl I used to watch court shows over and over again memorizing the legal terms. But playing court was way easier than getting a law degree.

But what made me forget or feel that I would never make it was losing my mother. She died when I was twelve. The rock in my life gone when I needed her the most. When I lost her, I spent the rest of my life fearing that I would be nothing. Thinking that I was too weak to go on, yet everyday the only thing that pushed me on was the fear that I would let her down.

Yes my dad was around, but he might as well have been absent. He was so buried into the movement that he didn’t have much time to rear an adolescent girl with a smart mouth and a mind of her own. He let me go pretty much, leaving it up to me to figure out what was right or wrong.

Thankfully I didn’t end up barefoot, pregnant, and a drop out. Somehow I kept going everyday after losing her. Instead I made it out and here I was. After all of the studying and the many colleges I applied to, I finally settled on Missouri State University Law School in downtown St. Louis. It felt surreal finally being here after all those nights of studying, tears, and sacrifice. I liked to think she was here with me; going to law school right with me so I could finish my dream.

I told her I would be a lawyer. It was one of the last things I told her I would do and I wanted to keep my promise.

Now I was here in her city, but it was new to me. The gateway to the west was rich with tradition and class. The only problem was that this was probably the most segregated place that I have ever lived. On the north side, you have all the blacks while the whites all live in the west county area. I’m not sure there is an in between but it was one of the main reasons that I decided to come here.

Change was going to happen in this city that my mother was born and raised in. She died before I could make it to law school but I promised her that I would make it and here I am. I would become a lawyer on the same streets she used to ride through. This was my ode to her, my testimony to the love for the woman I adored and I had no intention of screwing it up.

My first day of law school was filled with more twists and turns than a roller coaster. But now that I was settled into the last class of the evening, in a huge lecture hall filled with other students, I was still getting distracted.

I struggled to keep eye contact with my professor as I looked back and forth from the front of the hall and down to my phone. I ignored his messages all day, but now that it was close to eight in the evening, he picked up his intensity. I guess booty call was on his mind but the only thing I had time for was reading.

“Who wants to tell me the four elements of tort law?” On the first day the professors were already asking questions that they demanded we know the answers to. Thankfully, since breaking up with Joe, I spent my time reading but now he was trying to compromise my school life.

It was just like him butting in at the worst time, my first day of school, holding off a panic attack, and in one of the hardest classes I would take this semester.

But that was Joe for you, bad timing and bad news.

I got to St. Louis early in the summer to settle in but, of course, I had to run into the most worthless of guys. Joe was cute, dimples, nice smile, broad muscles and a dick that you could swing from, but the problem was he wasn’t good at keeping his King Kong dick to himself.

His tenacity and perseverance was what attracted me to him, being that he owned his own business. But those things are also what drove me away.

He was always working, which was fine with me but I soon found out that late nights working meant he was screwing other women. I found out when one of the heifers called me, threatening to beat my ass. I’m not one to back down from a fight but if I get into any trouble, I can kiss my chances of a law degree goodbye. I bowed out, leaving Joe and his misfit of bitches alone but now he was coming to crawl back.

I ended things right before school started, wanting to have a clear mind. But now that I was moving on, he was in the mood to beg, but all I wanted was to learn and study in peace.

I tried paying attention in class but the buzzing of my cell phone wouldn’t stop.

“When can I see you?”
Joe wasn’t getting the picture that well and this was the worst day possible for him to start this crap.

“I’m busy at school.”
I finally replied.

“Ms. Morris” the professor said my name with such authority that I looked up way too fast, knocking my book off my lap. In grand fashion it tumbled down the lecture hall steps and landed perfectly at the bottom row.

“Yes sir...I’m sorry.” Things weren’t starting well. The class chuckled and the professor frowned as I skipped down the steps to retrieve my book, only to have a huge hand grab the eight hundred page monstrosity and hand it to me.

“Don’t worry...I don’t think anyone saw.” He was probably trying to be funny but I wasn’t in the mood for laughing.

“Well, since you're down here, I’ll ask you face to face. What are the four elements of tort law?”

All the books I read warned me of the unique learning style of law school and I was prepared. But now in front of the entire class with my back pocket buzzing and the heavy beating of my heart, I was having trouble remembering them.

“Ummm... Duty...breach of duty...injury…” I had the fourth one on the tip of my tongue.

“Ahh…” I looked around as if someone was going to help me but the blank stares offered no clues. I was in a sea of white people with only a few black specs here and there and no one offered help.

“Can someone assist?”

“Causation!” The big hand that handed me my book almost screamed the word.

“Bingo! Thank you Mister…” the professor looked down at a sheet of paper that had our id’s and names on it. “Mr. McGwire.
”

“You may return to your seat now.” He dismissed me like some kind of trash.

“Hey three out of four isn’t bad.” The McGwire character was smiling from ear to ear now with a smug,
‘I shitted on you on the first day smile.
’ I hated being wrong and here I was on the first day forgetting simple terms right in the middle of class.

“It is if you are a winner like me.” I shot back at the white guy. He had on a t-shirt that showed every damn muscle; one of those muscular guys that looked so toned that he damn near didn’t fit in his seat.

“Thank you Ms. Morris.”

My hair slicked back in a ponytail and a highlighter tucked behind my ear, I probably looked like some kind of geek but I made my way back up to my seat. This is the life I chose, studying around nerds and douchebags that would be our future lawyers and prosecutors and would eventually be senators, representatives, and policy makers.

The professor cleared his throat, glaring over the class as if I had disturbed him so badly that he couldn’t go on. To me it wasn’t that big of a deal but whatever.

“Well, now that we have gotten over the commotion.” Every one eyed me but I didn’t care. It was an honest mistake and the first thing I was going to do when I left here would be to block Joe’s number.

“Throughout the semester you will need to rely on your fellow classmates. So in the last few minutes we have left, I want you to pick a partner.” Before he could get his full sentence out, people were touching hands and shuffling off to sit next to their partner. I wasn’t prepared for this. I knew no one at this school. “This person will be your study buddy for the rest of the semester.” This was the part I hated about undergrad, picking partners. I thought that it would be over in law school but P1’s went through the same thing as high school freshmen.

As people scrambled around the auditorium picking partners, I realized that I didn’t move fast enough. Maybe it was the huge Tort Law book that was holding me down but by the time I got up and looked around everyone was partnered up.

“Who doesn’t have a partner?” I dreaded things like this. Putting my hand up, I looked around the sea of people.

“Ms. Morris.” the professor pointed to me. “There is one person here in the front.” I grabbed my things, the huge bag stuffed with books and my arms also filled with a huge text and a notebook. I prayed that it wasn’t buff bagwell that sat in the front row and handed me my book, but as I made my way back down the steps, sure enough it was.

“Me again.” I smiled at him trying to be nice. If I was going to be stuck with this asshole I might as well make the most of it.

“Yeah...no one wants to be stuck with the class disturber.” He smiled but I wasn’t sure whether to be offended or laugh. He laughed but I stuck with keeping a straight face.

“Hey I’m Brian.” He put out his hand for me to shake, a big hand leading up to even bigger python arms. “We meet again.”

“Alicia.” We shook hands as I settled in next to him.

“Okay now that you have your partner, take their number, email, address, blood type, social security number,” the room laughed. “Either way, know that this person is your life line. Form study groups and know as a 1L that this is going to be the most difficult year of your law life.”

I was stuck on his words, and then I looked at the PowerPoint projected in the front of the room outlining ten chapters that we needed to read and some articles he wanted our opinions on.

I felt it. The attack was coming.

Breathe Deep Alicia...Deep breath.

“You aren’t some kind of slacker are you?” Brian interrupted my breathing technique.

“What...slacker?”

“Yeah...before I give you my number I just want to make sure you aren’t going to be mooching off of me for notes or some shit.” Did I look like a slacker? Did I have moocher or lazy bitch stamped on my forehead? Or maybe it was because I was black?

“Look...I’m not some…” I was going to pass out or throw up. I could feel it. Swaying a bit, I fought back, trying to do what my therapist told me.
Breathe...in through your nose...out through your nose.
“I didn’t get here by slacking and I won’t be depending on you for anything...trust me.” He had some damn nerve.

“Good…” He wrote down his number and other information but I was concentrating more on not embarrassing myself yet again in front of these people. My palms were sweaty and my heart was racing, sure signs of my panic attacks.

I sipped water and pretended to be looking in a book to calm myself as he slid a piece of paper onto my book.

“Don’t call me too late...my girl might get jealous.” I looked up at him to check if he was serious. He winked at me but I rolled my eyes.

“Trust me, I probably will never use this number.” I stood up as I saw people filing out of the classroom.

“Remember to check the online class portal. There will be extra reading material uploaded there periodically throughout the semester” the professor shouted as people filed out. I needed to leave, get home, and calm down before I passed out completely.

Standing up, I shoved my books in my bag.

“Don’t you have something for me.”

“What?” He was still there asking for things instead of leaving with everyone else.

“Your number, email, social security number, like the professor said.” His sarcasm was lost on me.