Bittner, Rosanne (27 page)

John
was angry over the way she'd pulled away from him, as well as the way she was
setting all the conditions, taking on that bossy attitude again. "I don't
intend to take nothing but orders from you. I'd like to make a
few
decisions
of my own, if you don't mind, and a kind word or two from you wouldn't hurt.
I'm doing you a hell of a favor here, and you're asking an awful lot from me in
return."

"I
know that." Tess fought a sudden urge to cry. "I am sorry that's how
it has to be for now. Perhaps in time... perhaps I can be a true wife to you. I
know it isn't fair to ask you to go without... to abstain."

"Jesus,"
John muttered, turning to get his horse. "Don't do me any favors in
return,
Mrs.
Carey. When will this farce of a wedding take place?"

"I...
tomorrow... if that is all right. It must be done quickly."

She
said it as though she were getting herself ready to stand in front of a firing
squad. Something wrenched in John's gut as he mounted Sundance. "The only
man of the cloth around here is Father Miguel Hermosa at the Catholic mission.
That all right with you?"

She
nodded. "My father was a Catholic."

John
sniffed. "At least you had some religion. I had none. Now your baby will
also be born to a faith. I should say
our
baby." He rode closer.
"What time?"

Tess
looked up at him, her sight blurry from tears. "Ten A.M.?"

"Fine.
I'll stay with you the first couple of nights to make things look good. Then I
have some patrolling to do for the Rangers. I don't intend to quit them right
away. There is still a lot of rustling going on that hasn't been solved, and
I'm curious about why Jim Caldwell was so upset over me killing Derrek Briggs,
why the man is so against me. Most ranchers appreciate my work." He took
the cigar back out of his vest pocket. "You lived at Caldwell's for a
while. You got any ideas?"

Tess
thought about what she had seen and heard late that night at Caldwell's. Such
news might only get John Hawkins killed or in a lot of trouble. It was unlikely
Caldwell had left any proof around, and he was a powerful man who hated John.
She could not afford to have something happen to him now. "No," she
lied. "And Mr. Caldwell has a lot of power around here. He probably just
hates Indians. Who knows? I wish you would stay away from there."

He
raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Are you saying you care what happens to
me?"

"Of
course I care! You're supposed to marry me, be a father to my child."

"Oh,
I see. You don't care about me
personally,
just about the role I am to
play in your life." He lit the cigar. "Lady, I think you're perfectly
sane.
I'm
the one who is nuts." He puffed on the cigar. "Don't
worry. I'll watch my back. You saying I need to?"

She
met his eyes. "I don't know. I just don't like the way Jim Caldwell talks
about you. And I... I
do
care about you personally. Please know that I
don't take the fact that you think you love me lightly. Surely you know how
confused I am right now, afraid and... and desperate."

He
kept the cigar between his teeth. "Yeah, well, you
must
be
desperate to be marrying the likes of me. And by the way, don't be borrowing
money from Jenny. Believe it or not, I have money, plenty to help you build a
house and help get the ranch started. It's reward money, hard earned. I've
never had need of it. Now I do. We'll do this together without borrowing from a
bank or anyone else. Understand?"

"Yes.
I appreciate your generosity, John."

His
smile had a hint of sarcasm. "You'll be my wife. It isn't just a matter of
generosity. It's a matter of what is the right thing to do." He turned his
horse. "I'll see you at ten at the mission. I'll bring Ken and Jenny along
for witnesses. The Father won't mind. He doesn't look down on people like me
and Jenny—like some others do." He started to ride away.

"John,"
she called out.

He
stopped and turned Sundance. "Now what?"

"You...
you will keep your promise? I mean... you won't go see Jenny anymore, will
you?"

John
studied her closely. Was that a flicker of jealousy in those pretty blue eyes?
Maybe that was what she needed to feel. "I'll keep my promise... for as long
as I can stand it. Maybe it will help if I get a few things out of my system
tonight." He grinned, taking hope from the more obvious flash of jealousy
he saw this time. He tipped his hat to her. "See you tomorrow, Tess. Sleep
tight."

Tess
watched him ride off, her emotions tumbling in on her. Love, hate, confusion,
desire, horror, excitement, dread. She ached for him to hold her the way he had
that night in the wagon. Why couldn't she bring herself to tell him? She
thought to call out to him, but she decided that if she asked him to hold her,
he might get ideas. He might try something else. She could not encourage him in
any way. After all, they would have to stay in the same room together the next
couple of nights. She might have her work cut out for her in denying his
husbandly rights. Much as she felt uneasy about his snooping around the
Caldwell ranch, it would be best if he did leave again for a while and get away
from here—and from her.

Tess
waited with Father Hermosa, an old man accustomed to marrying people in this
wild country without the usual Catholic requirements. She only hoped others
would accept this marriage with the same understanding shrug as Father Hermosa.

She
wore a simple yellow dress and a straw hat decorated with silk flowers. Anxious
to make herself more clothes, as well as glad to think she would have a
respectable business, she had ordered a sewing machine. Soon she would also
have a legitimate marriage to explain her growing belly. She had to think
positively about all of this. John would build himself a ranch. Maybe, after a
time, she could learn to truly think of him as her husband in the fullest
sense, but that seemed impossible right now.

Finally
she saw Ken and John coming, a buggy ahead of them. That would be Jenny. She
suddenly wondered if she looked all right. She had worn her hair pulled back at
the sides and long in the back. Her dress was quite plain, and as with all
store-bought dresses, it was a little big on her. It was gathered at the back
into a moderate bustle, and as was the style, an extra skirt was draped
apronlike at the front. The sleeves were short and puffed, the bodice cut in a
square and trimmed with lace.

She
noticed both Ken and Jenny were grinning from ear to ear. Ken Randall must have
been flabbergasted to learn about this—his partner, John Hawkins, of all
people, marrying a woman who would give him a family in only a few months.

"My,
don't you look pretty!" Jenny said, climbing down from the buggy.

Tess
felt embarrassed. She'd wanted to look nice, yet now she worried that John
would get the wrong idea. She self-consciously put a gloved hand to her breast
while Jenny greeted Father Hermosa in a way that told Tess the woman had been
out here before. She was surprised. Did women like Jenny Simms actually believe
in God and come to church? The only reason Tess could think of that the woman
would come here was for confession.

She
sensed John walking close to her. She had not even been able to meet his eyes.
She felt awkward, embarrassed, unsure, nervous, foolish. A strange sensation
shot through her when he touched her arm, something she could not even explain.
My God, this man is going to be my husband, she thought. There was still time
to get out of this. Still time. But what else could she do?

"Well,
I never would have believed this one!" Ken was saying. "My wild,
no-good partner marryin' a sweet lady like you." He leaned closer.
"Don't you be worried about nothin', Mrs. Carey. Hawk's a good man, better
than you know."

John
still had hold of Tess's arm, and she finally looked at him, noticing he wore
dark gray cotton pants, a white shirt, and a black suit coat. She was startled
to realize she had not even noticed at first how he was dressed. He must have
bought these clothes just for this occasion... as though it really was special
to him. What startled her even more was how handsome he looked, probably the
best-looking man in El Paso, Indian, Mexican, or white. "You didn't change
your mind," she said.

"Why
should I?" His gaze dropped to look her over, a strange tingle went
through Tess, one she'd never felt before under any man's gaze. "You're
carrying a baby that needs a father, and I aim to do the job."

She
nodded, feeling stiff, tense. "I thank you for this." She blinked
back tears. "I... let's try not to say anything today to make each other
angry. I suppose we should... make the best of this and... try to be happy
about it."

Try?
That remark
made John angry. She acted as though she was being led to a hangman's noose,
and he could feel her trembling. He noticed a tear slip down her cheek,
realized she was scared stiff, and why shouldn't she be? After the ceremony,
she would belong to John Hawkins... to do with as he pleased. Why couldn't she
trust that he would never force anything on her? He brushed at the tear with
his fingers. "I already
am
happy. I wish you could be."

Tess
was surprised at the gentleness of his touch. "I... I've just never been
so confused and afraid," she admitted. More tears started to come, and she
struggled to keep them back.

"You
folks hang on," John said. "We'll be right with you."

Tess
felt herself being led away, found herself in a cool, shady area of the
mission, felt strong arms come around her. What was this? The embrace! It was
very much like the one he'd given her in the wagon that awful night, so full of
compassion. She clung to him, wept against the new suit coat he wore. She
needed to do this, needed to cry and get it over with. But she never dreamed a
man like John Hawkins would understand that. "I'm sorry... I always say
things to... make you angry," she sobbed. "I'll try... not to do that
anymore. We... have to find a way... to get along... to be civil to each
other."

"We'll
find a way," he told her. "It will be easier for me. I already love
you, Tess."

She
stood there letting him hold her, thinking about what he'd said. It finally
began to sink in that he really meant it. She could tell by the way he held
her. Could this be such a terrible thing after all? He
was
a man of
strength and daring, a man who would always protect her. She'd never find John
Hawkins hiding under a bed! And he was certainly very handsome. His Indian
blood made him unacceptable to some, but she was beginning to see him as just a
man like any other, surprisingly capable of feelings. He did not seem like a
man who knew anything about responsibility, yet look at the responsibility he
was taking on now, willingly. "I... can't say... the same words in
return," she admitted. "But I... respect you for what you are
doing."

John
figured maybe, if he was lucky, that respect would turn to love someday.
"That's enough for now. Let's go get married."

Tess
pulled away, and John pulled a clean handkerchief from his pants pocket and
handed it to her. "Here."

She
took the handkerchief, brushing it over his suit coat first. "I'm sorry.
You look... very nice today." She wiped at her eyes. "I didn't think
you would care enough... to dress like this." She blew her nose.

"Hell,
this is my wedding day. I had to look nice for my bride, didn't I? I didn't
even wear my guns today."

She
smiled through tears. "I just realized why you look so different. It isn't
the clothes. It's the absence of those guns."

John
grinned. "Actually I feel kind of naked without them." He put a hand
to her waist. "You ready to get married?"

Tess
was astounded at how understanding he was being. She took a deep breath and
nodded. "Yes." For the next several minutes she felt as though she
was standing aside watching the events. Jenny, dressed demurely today, watched
with honest joy on her face. Ken grinned through the whole ceremony, and Tess
was sure the man was astounded by the whole thing. John must have told him the
truth about it all, but Ken was a man who would understand. She heard herself
repeating the wedding vows, heard John saying them. He sounded so sincere. All
too soon it was over. She was Mrs. John Hawkins. Tess Hawkins.

"You
may kiss your bride," Father Hermosa told John.

Kiss
the bride? How strange that this man had already lain, near-naked, against her
own nakedness, yet they had never kissed. She had never even thought about
kissing, had forgotten that most newlyweds did so after the ceremony. She felt
a gentle hand at her chin, felt her face lifted, sensed him coming closer.
Full, gentle lips parted her mouth slightly in a kiss that astounded her with
its sweetness, even more by the way it awakened an ache inside her for
something... something she'd never known. What was it? His tongue flicked over
her lips lightly. No one had ever kissed her this way before. Abel's kisses had
been quick and urgent, his lips always a little cool. Sometimes he'd pressed to
tight and hurt her lips. Chino had not bothered to kiss her at all. His lips
had been hot and vicious, all over her, every place but her mouth. This was
entirely different.