Bittersweet Dreams (29 page)

A second realization was how much Allison wanted me to like her and for her to like me. She really needed a sister. My father wasn't wrong when he said I wanted a sister, too. I wouldn't let myself get close to Allison. It was too much like accepting Julie. I didn't have to wonder why Julie never had any more children. Her husband probably realized that bringing another one into the world with her would be unfair to the child, maybe unfair to the world.

I looked at the diary again, this time flipping through the pages that described more about her early years with my father and me, how much she missed her own father back then, and what she thought about her new school, her new friends, and our house itself.

I was beginning to be discouraged and imagined that she had made up what she told me on the spot. She never had written about Alan Taylor, or at least not in her diary. But then I turned a page and saw the title: “The Day My Life Began.”

Again, I listened to be sure no one had come home yet. The house was still as quiet as before, and I felt like a real intruder. My eyes returned to her writing.

Dear Diary,

Mr. Taylor looked at me differently today.

I wasn't wearing a training bra anymore.

And I had my first period last week.

He knows I'm a young woman now. Mommy said I was.

I think he knows how much I like him. He always spends extra time with me, and today when he stopped at my desk, he put his hand on mine and kept it there the whole time while he talked to the class. I saw how my girlfriends were looking at me, all of them excited and jealous.

I had a hard time listening to what he said. My heart was beating so fast. Then he ran his hand over the top of my head and down the back of my hair as he walked away.

I thought about him all day, and whenever I walked past his room during the change of classes, he was standing there and smiling at me.

He was looking only at me.

His smile was only for me.

Dear Diary,

Today Mr. Taylor put his hand on my waist when he leaned over to read my composition.

I love his aftershave lotion.

He brought his face so close to mine we almost touched cheeks.

I know he likes me more than any other girl in his class, maybe all his classes.

He spends more time with me and never touches any of the other girls.

And he always waits for me in his classroom doorway so he can see me and smile at me when I go to other classes and pass his room. Today he even called to me and said, “Hey, how are you doing, Allison?”

I almost couldn't talk. I said, “Fine,” and he laughed.

I love his laugh.

Dear Diary,

I knew it. I knew he likes me a lot and would find a way for us to be together more.

Today he asked me to come in during his free period and help him correct some quizzes.

How did he know I had study hall and could be excused?

He checked and made sure. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't really like me and want only me helping him.

My heart was pounding again when I walked into his classroom. He asked me to close the door, and then he told me to sit next to him at his desk. He put a chair there for me.

When I sat, he told me how much he liked the way I was wearing my hair and how much he liked the clothes I wore. He said the skirt I was wearing looked especially soft. He took some of it in his fingers and said, “Yes, this is very soft.”

He didn't let go of it. Instead, he moved his hand under the material and kept saying it was the softest material he had ever touched. When he lifted it some more, he looked at my legs and said they were very pretty.

He touched my thigh and said my skin was so soft, too.

I didn't say anything. I wished he would kiss me, but not on the cheek, on the lips.

And then he moved his fingers up my thigh and touched me between my legs.

He wanted to know if I liked that, and I said yes, and he lifted my panties away.

Then he kissed me on the lips.

He told me he liked me very much because I was more grown-up than the other girls.

And I told him how much I liked him, too.

He said he wasn't all that much older than I was and the difference in ages between many wives and husbands was either the same or even more than the difference between us.

He had me move closer to him.

He moved his fingers all over me, and I closed my eyes.

Afterward, he said we should correct some papers just in case anyone asked.

Then he told me to come back on Thursday.

Dear Diary,

On Thursday, Mr. Taylor locked his classroom door after I came into the room.

Then he took me into the book closet at the rear of the room, and he kissed me again.

He wanted to take all my clothes off, and I wanted him to do it.

When I was naked, he kissed me everywhere and told me he knew he would keep loving me.

He said our love would get stronger and stronger as I grew older, and even when I was away in college, he would still love me.

And when I came home from college, he would take me out.

By then, no one would think it was wrong, and we would get engaged.

He said the most pleasure in the world for him would be watching me grow into a more beautiful woman.

Afterward, he had me get dressed quickly. He told me he didn't want us to do much more just yet.

He said we had to go more slowly, and I had to get more prepared.

He said he knew just how to do it and that I shouldn't worry about the details of sex.

Dear Diary,

I've been with Mr. Taylor almost ten times now. He said that we have to think of a way to meet outside the school.

He said he would think about it and I should think about it.

It's hard because it's such a big secret.

I wouldn't even tell Mayfair, even though she knows most everything and would make the best suggestions.

I promised him I would never tell anyway, and he said that if I broke a promise to him, he would never love me again.

Today I wrote his name nearly five hundred times in history class. No one knew because I didn't write his whole name. I wrote, A--n T---or.

Dear Diary,

Mr. Taylor and I finally met after school.

I was at my friend Lisa's house, and when her grandmother left, I told Lisa about Mr. Taylor. I couldn't help it. I was bursting with it and had to tell someone I trusted. She swore first on her brother's, mother's, father's, and grandmother's lives that she would never tell anyone. After that, I told her everything, and she believed me, and I left.

Mr. Taylor knew what time I would leave and came by in his car.

I got in, and we drove around just talking.

Then he stopped by an old deserted house he knew, and we parked behind it where no one could see us.

I took off all my clothes, and this time, he took off all his and we just held each other.

He said it would be good for me to know about men, and he told me how to touch him.

I didn't want to tell him, but I knew a lot already because Mayfair had given me a book to read, and I was reading it even after my mother took it away.

He said we still had to be careful because I could be spoiled and ruined if I went too fast.

I saw what sperm was, and then we got dressed quickly and he dropped me off back at Lisa's house.

Lisa wanted to know everything that happened. I'm glad I have a friend like her, but I saw she was a little jealous. I made her swear again on everyone in her family's lives never to say anything, and she did.

I promised her that if she was true to me, I would always be true to her and I would tell her more when it happened.

Then my mother came.