Bitter Winds (31 page)

Sami had stayed under the bed covers, holding her hands over her ears, unable to push herself to tend to the girl. It had taken hours for the child to stop crying but Sami had finally fallen asleep—used up and sore—nevertheless triumphant that she had gathered what she needed next.

She sat up and threw her legs over the side of the bed, testing their strength. She knew she’d feel wobbly, at the least, after the strenuous events with the sour-smelling Delun. He was a
diào
sī,
but at least the room he’d paid for boasted its own shower and she couldn’t wait to wash his scent from her body. She reached over and turned on the lamp, then staring at the closet door, she stumbled across the room until she stood before it.

She reached up and pushed aside the silk arrangement of flowers, feeling until her hand touched the cold metal of the camera. She thought briefly of the unsuspecting tourist she’d snagged it from, but he was the least of her concerns and was an idiot to leave his bag on the bench anyway. Maybe next time he’d be more careful.

She pulled the tiny camera down and checked the light. It still blinked. She’d wait until she got to the Internet café to remove the memory disc. The attendant at the mall had sold her a cheap thumb drive and all she had to do was save it to the contraption. Then it was hers to do with what she wanted, and she already had help lined up for that part.
Whoever said an uneducated girl was stupid?
They obviously hadn’t met her,
Sami thought, and smiled.

She heard a rustle from behind the closet door. Warily, she opened it and looked inside. Now silent but staring up at her with mournful, dark eyes, the baby had somehow found her fingers and sucked hungrily. She wondered if the child could wait a little longer, at least until Sami had taken a shower and washed her hair. Locking eyes, Sami felt like the little girl was beseeching her, with only a look. She felt something stir deep in her stomach.

“Aiya,”
Sami muttered, set the camera on the table, then bent down and picked the child up.

The baby’s bottom felt heavy with wetness and Sami shivered in revulsion. She held her away from her body, wishing for Auntie Rae and her always-willing hands.

She sighed. At least it was better to do it before her shower than after when it would soil her hands again. She carried the baby to the bed and laid her down. The cool air of the room revived the child and she lost her grip on the fingers she was feasting on, causing her to get mad. Sami chuckled at the girl who was kicking and working up a fit. Her round cheeks reddened and her nose crinkled in dismay as she croaked out a lusty cry.
Maybe she has some of her mother in her after all,
Sami thought as she turned and went to the bag she’d set before the window.

She bent down and rummaged through, looking for a clean diaper. She was glad she’d swiped some from the storeroom at the center, as it wasn’t an option to let the child remain naked under her split pants. Sami wasn’t the type of doting mother who would chance being soiled on. She found a diaper and a clean pair of clothes and from the corner of her eye, she saw the baby begin to roll toward the edge of the bed.

Sami leapt at the child, landing next to the bed on her knees but catching her just before she fell to the floor. Now kneeling with the baby in her arms, she looked down to find a new expression on the little face. Amusement.
So she thought her little acrobatic adventure was funny, huh?
She wouldn’t have thought so had she gotten a knot on her head,
Sami thought as she stood and put the baby back on the bed.

“Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.” She bent over the baby and pulled the pants off, then unfastened the diaper, immediately covering her nose in disgust. The outfit that Li Jin’s mother was so proud of making with her own hands now reeked worse than a pigpen. The baby had left her an unwelcome gift.

Sami stood and stared down at the child again. She was too much trouble, that was all there was to it. She was glad she’d gotten the photos earlier, when the clothing was still clean and fresh. Now the child was ruined. Sami wished she didn’t have to touch her.

“Just for that, don’t expect a bottle any time soon,” she said to the girl. She then tried to remember when she’d fed her last. It had to have been around the morning hour, she thought as she saw on her watch it was now close to the time supper was usually served at Rose Haven. Her own stomach growled, reinforcing her discovery that it was time to eat.

Looking around, but of course, finding no one to pass the baby off on, Sami started again. She pulled out the soiled diaper and dragged it to the side of the bed where the child couldn’t kick it off and make even more of a mess. Looking at the baby’s red and raw bottom, Sami felt another burst of irritation that she’d probably have to spend money on tiger balm to relieve the rash.
More trouble.
Determined now to get it over with, Sami fit her with the clean diaper and then quickly pulled the dry pants on, picked up the baby, and returned her to the closet floor. The baby immediately began another long but hoarse wail, weakly vocalizing her dislike for the sudden darkness and repeat abandonment.

Sami walked away. She just needed to take a shower and then she’d feed her. She bundled up the dirty diaper and took it into the tight bathroom, ignoring the cries as she passed in front of the closet again. She pushed the diaper into the trash can and then started the water running. It would need a moment to get hot, so she quickly removed her clothing and stacked it on the shelf over the spigot to keep it dry, then leaned over the sink to peer into the mirror.

Under the smooth contours of her face, beneath the mask of beauty, she didn’t like what she saw. But then, that was nothing new.

She turned away. Stepping under the showerhead, she forced her shoulders back and rolled her neck. With the sound of the water and the now-closed bathroom door, she was grateful the crying of the child was drowned out and she could relax under the steady stream of water, cleaning off the sordid remnants of her afternoon tryst. She tilted her head back and let the water pelt her face while she planned her next move.

T
hough only just afternoon, it had already been a long day and Sami was tired. She felt like sleeping forever but she had just one more task to take care of. Earlier that morning she’d gone to the Internet café and found an overly eager teenage boy to help her figure out how to get the photos from her camera to a contraption he’d gladly let her borrow, something called a jump drive.

He’d even given her a crash course on how to send documents and attachments across what he called the World Wide Web. After only an hour there, Sami found her head was spinning with new information. However, she now saw why every Internet café in Wuxi was usually crammed full of the younger crowd, using computers to reach out of their own little worlds to fill their heads with fantasies, games, and pretend relationships. She could also see how it could be addicting to make believe for a short time that you were someone else—somewhere else—anywhere but in your real life being yourself.

Amusingly, the boy had chattered nonstop, telling her how his own father had hired an online gamer to specifically search him out on every Internet game, and assassinate him in each virtual realm he entered. The father had thought it was a sure way to get his son away from the computers and back to his search for a job, but the boy stubbornly continued to set up new profiles and create new characters, playing until he was found out and his persona was killed again and again.

From there she’d gone to the Kodak store, and now she was in possession of not only two sets of photos, but was also the proud owner of a new e-mail account with some privileged files attached.

She switched the baby to the other arm and whispered to her to hush. They’d not spent much time together the last few days because Sami had been lucky enough to run into the hotel maid who was more than glad to pick up a little extra money by babysitting. Sami had to alter her schedule around when the woman was off work, but it was worth it to be able to leave the baby behind.

But today the maid hadn’t shown up. So here they were, mother and daughter, stuck together for the afternoon.

The baby lifted her head and with a wobbly neck, maneuvered until she was looking Sami straight in the eye.

“What? Why are you looking at me?” Sami said, feeling uncomfortable with the eye contact.

Just the night before she’d gone through some of the photos, the ones she’d taken of the baby after she’d finally bathed her in the hotel bathtub. Sami hadn’t really known what to do, but she’d found just putting her in the warm water had brought a smile to the little girl’s face and Sami had grabbed the camera. She’d gotten some good shots of her.

Now she turned the baby around so she faced outward, and the new viewpoint quieted her down. Sami continued to walk, looking for the post office. As they passed strangers, some reached out to touch the baby, exclaiming over her beauty. It didn’t thrill Sami that she was basically ignored with the child’s presence, and her irritation began to build.

“Soon, we’ll see how many smiles your beauty brings you,” she whispered.

They arrived at the post office, and after standing in the line for half an hour, Sami was able to send the package. She’d made up a return address, but no one was the wiser. She only wished she could be a fly on the wall when the recipient opened the envelope and viewed the enclosed photos. The thought of what his reaction would be raised Sami’s spirits and she laughed. The baby heard the sound and thought it was for her. She laughed, too, and her sudden intake of breath caused another coughing fit. Her cheeks turned red as she struggled for breath.

Still, Sami didn’t let it bring her down. If she could get a sitter at the hotel, she’d go out and celebrate. “Not much more time with me, little miss, then you’ll be on your way to a new adventure.”

Three days later Sami tapped her long, red nails on the side of the chair as she waited impatiently. The morning had been eventful and she was glad to have the worst of it over. Her second little visit with the official, Delun, had gone better than she thought it would and she’d left him feeling victorious. It was amazing how much a little discretion was worth to a deceitful man who fancied keeping up his reputation as well as his highly esteemed position. In a world of charades, keeping up the façade was expensive; and that was what she’d told him on her way out.

Now Sami was at her final stop of the day. So far she’d been left waiting too long in the stark room, and she was just starting to get irritated when he was escorted in.

She stood, surprised to see how different he looked. In turn he was startled to see her sitting there. They exchanged greetings and he took a chair at the table; then Sami got right to business.

“I’m glad to see you. I’m hoping you can make a delivery for me.” She began to tell him how they could help each other,
if he agreed to her terms
.

At first he looked puzzled, but Sami was relieved to see that when he looked down and saw the baby sleeping on the blanket she’d laid down in the corner, a small smile crept over his face.

“She’s bigger than I remember. And she looks sickly. Is she okay?”

Sami nodded and pulled the photos from her bag, then laid them on the table between them. “Here’s what she looks like when she’s awake—make sure some of these go with her. And she’s fine; she just has a little cold. But everyone we pass on the street feels as if they must stop and tell me how beautiful she is.”

He looked at the pictures, then walked over to the child and bent down. He rubbed her downy hair. “
Aiya,
you’re right. She is an undeniably stunning gem of a child.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. She’s pretty. So—can you do it?”

He sighed. “Tell me again why you want to do this, and if you are completely sure.”

Sami looked down and shrugged. “I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, why not one more?”

“I don’t know you that well, but I can’t imagine your unlucky path in life was from your own making.”

“Oh, you just don’t know. Nobody does. I’ve done things. Things I won’t discuss.”

Suddenly Sami felt the urge to throw herself into his arms, to prove just one embrace could start a spark. Maybe a man like him was just what she needed to turn her life around. She went to him and pressed her body next to his, but he backed away quickly and held his arms up in defense.

“What are you doing?” He looked around nervously.

She gave him her most seductive smile. “What do you think I’m doing?”

“I don’t know, but listen, I’m not interested.”

Sami shrugged and busied herself pulling out half the photos and shoving the rest back in her bag. She wasn’t surprised. It was the way her luck had run lately. But a girl could try, right? She went to the baby and looked down at her. She realized she’d never said the child’s name aloud. She’d kept her distance, but not out of selfishness. Something in her—perhaps a mother’s intuition—was trying not to hurt the girl. But had she made the right decision? Was she about to rid herself of the only good thing she’d ever been a part of? She looked up at the man and despite her usual tough composure, she felt herself begin to tremble. Then she realized he probably thought it was because he’d rejected her.

She took a deep breath and let out a husky laugh. “Don’t feel bad, you aren’t the only one. No one wants me—except for a few sordid moments at a time. But I just realized something. What if I died today? Who would mourn me? Or welcome me to the afterworld? I have no one. I’ll be just as alone in the next life as I’ve been in this one.”

A look of pity crossed his face and Sami felt embarrassed.

“Who do you love most in this world? That is who you have, and whoever that is, you must always think of them before yourself.”

Sami gazed at the baby girl again and was startled when her little dark eyes fluttered open and stared back. Once more, she seemed to be searching for something in Sami’s face—something she couldn’t give. Or could she? For the last year she’d thought there was only one person in the world she loved. But was it possible she loved one other?

She bent down and picked her up, then held her to her chest, this time holding her much differently than she ever had before. As the baby melted against her, Sami felt a strange fluttering in her heart and a catch in her throat. She moved until her lips were touching the downy little ear, and then she whispered, “Good-bye, little Lan. Go out into the world and make it your own.”

With one kiss on the soft head—
her first and last kiss to her own daughter
—she handed her over to the man who stood waiting and watching. She turned away so he couldn’t see the traitorous tear slide down her cheek and fall from her face. She never cried—making it a surprise even to her as she reached up and used her closed fist to wipe away the moisture.

She rummaged in the bag that hung across her shoulder, feeling past her wallet, her discarded bottle of water, and even past the envelope of photos until she found the folded note.

She pulled it out and through her tears she thrust it at him. With one last look, she left the building, leaving behind a piece of herself.