Bitter Wild (21 page)

Stan
laid his hand on John’s shoulder. “She’s been in bad shape before and she
pulled through. She’s a fighter, John. You know that.”

John
nodded, then swung his gaze to Jack. Jack wasn’t surprised by the fury he saw.
He anticipated, but didn’t dodge the blow John delivered a moment later. It was
hard enough to nearly knock Jack down. Stan grabbed John to keep him from
taking a second swing, but he didn’t appear to intend to take it any further.

“This
is your fault, you son of a bitch! If she dies, I’ll haunt you for the rest of
your life.”

He
shrugged out of the sheriff’s grasp. “I’m fine. I’ll see you at the hospital.”

He
turned around and stalked off. Jack watched him go, rubbing at his jaw to make
sure it wasn’t broken. The punch had been a good one. Jack could have ducked
it, but some part of him had known it was deserved. He had no idea how much
John and Stan had overhead of his conversation with Jester, but he could
imagine what they both thought if they’d heard it all. The sheriff clapped him
on the shoulder.

“Don’t
mind John, he’s just a little overprotective of Casey. She knew what she was
doing.”

Jack
shook his head. “He was right. This whole thing was my fault. I knew I should
keep her out of it, but I let her talk me into trying to take Jester down. If
she dies, her blood will be on my hands.”

The
sheriff studied him silently. Jack had already turned away when he finally
spoke.

“Did
you tell her you’re in love with her?”

Jack
spun back around. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t
be an ass, boy. You were ready to let yourself get shot to save her. Hell, I
was standing close enough to see the look on both your faces when she went over
that cliff. You’re both so far gone it’s impossible to miss.”

Jack
lifted a hand to rub his face. “It doesn’t matter what she thinks she feels for
me. It wouldn’t work. Not in a million years. We’re from two different worlds
and that’s all there is to it.” He met the sheriff’s gaze. “You think she’d
ever be happy in the city? These woods are a part of her soul. If she was taken
away from them it would kill her as surely as a bullet, it would just take a
hell of a lot longer.”

“Maybe
you ought to let her decide that for herself.”

“She
threw herself off a cliff. I’d say it’s obvious that she’s willing to go to any
length. But I don’t want to watch her spirit die. I don’t want to watch the
light go out of her eyes. She belongs here and I don’t. It’s as simple as
that.”

He held
up a hand when the sheriff readied to continue the argument. “It’s over,
sheriff. Just leave it alone.”

Jack
turned and walked away. He told himself to focus on the little details that had
to be taken care of. They needed to search for Jester’s body. It was probably
gone for good, but he had to make the effort. Then there would be all kinds of
paperwork to fill out. He’d be stuck giving depositions for days. The
debriefing alone would take several days, no doubt. He’d put a civilian in the
line of fire. She’d been hurt and might die from those injuries. He’d be lucky
if he didn’t set his career back a decade. The thing was, he didn’t care. He
was afraid that if Casey died he wouldn’t care about anything ever again.

Casey
opened her eyes slowly. The pain was less intense today and she breathed a sigh
of relief for that. The first time she’d woken up, she’d prayed for
unconsciousness to claim her again. She had a concussion, a dislocated shoulder-again,
a broken arm, several broken ribs, more than one of which had punctured her
lung, and a leg that was broken in two places. The pain was every bit as
horrific as what she’d endured as a result of the bear attack. But, like then,
she was alive and none of her injuries was life threatening. In the two weeks
since she’d woken in the hospital, everyone she knew had visited her. Even
agent Skip Reynolds had paid her a visit. That had been right after she woke.
She’d been unconscious for almost a week. He’d let her know that Jester was
dead and that they’d eventually found his body wedged in some rocks downstream.
He explained that he and Jack had to return to Langley. He thanked her for all
she’d done and told her that someone would take her official statement once she
was in better condition. Casey had wanted desperately to ask where Jack was.
She’d prayed that he wouldn’t just leave without at least seeing her. But
that’s exactly what he did. He left and he hadn’t been back. He would never be
back.

Casey
felt tears gather in her eyes. She’d known Jack didn’t really love her. She’d
known he would end up breaking her heart and she’d sworn to herself that she
wouldn’t regret her decision to become his lover. Truthfully, she didn’t regret
it. She’d made the choice to love him and she would live with the consequences.
She lifted her head when she heard a soft whine beside the bed. Chance was
sitting at her side. He’d been there when she woke. The bullet had done some
serious damage to his back leg. He’d never walk without a limp again, but he
was alive, just like she was.

She had
Jack to thank for that. Stan had explained how he’d sent Chance out on the
chopper with her. She reached out and touched his head. It seemed Jack had also
been the one to arrange for Chance to stay in her room with her. Stan said he’d
pulled all sorts of strings and then resorted to sheer obstinacy to get his
way. Casey took some comfort in that. At least Jack must have cared a little
for her to go to so much trouble to keep Chance at her side.

It was
just over a week later that Casey woke up sick. She hadn’t ever felt so
miserable. The pain she could handle, but the constant nausea was enough to
drive her crazy. Just the thought of food made her ill. The doctor ran a few
tests, then had a long talk with her. She tried to argue with him at first. His
explanation just couldn’t be possible. He assured her that he’d double-checked
the results. Despite what she’d been told after the bear attack, she was
pregnant.

Casey
had gone through several emotional stages after getting the news. The disbelief
and denial hadn’t lasted long. The uncertainty and fear had been even more
short-lived. Once she got over the shock, she hadn’t felt anything but awe and
unrelenting joy. She and Andy had always planned to have children. She’d
learned to live with the disappointment after she was told it would never
happen. She’d learn to live with her disappointment in Jack, too. Maybe he
didn’t want her. Maybe he wouldn’t even want his child, though Casey couldn’t
really imagine him turning his back on it. He was too honorable a man to shirk
his responsibilities. But she didn’t want him to feel like she was pressuring
him into anything. She had no idea how they’d work it out, but she knew they
would. Somehow, they’d find a way to raise their child in both their worlds.
And she would find a way to keep her love for him to herself. She still had her
pride, after all.

Contents

CHAPTER
EIGHT

Jack
tugged at the bowtie for what he was sure was the hundredth time. He’d worn
tuxes more than once in the past and while he didn’t pretend it was his
favorite attire, he didn’t usually feel this uncomfortable. Rationally, he knew
his discomfort had less to do with the tux than with his anxiety over seeing
Casey again. It had been nearly three months since she’d thrown herself off
that cliff. He knew how badly she’d been hurt. He’d gotten a full catalogue of
her injuries the moment he reached the hospital. He’d stood at her door and
stared at her unconscious form. He hadn’t had long to see her. Her boyfriend,
John, had made it clear that he didn’t want Jack anywhere near her. Jack
couldn’t blame him.

When it
became clear that she would survive, Jack made the decision to stay away for
good. She had John, a man who would certainly be better for her. She’d be hurt,
Jack knew. She’d probably be angry, too. Jack just figured that would make it
easier for her to turn to John. Nothing made it easier for him to let her go,
though. In the months since he’d last seen her, Jack had realized just how much
he cared for her. He’d never felt as much for any other woman. Everything
reminded him of her. The people and places that used to give him pleasure only
reminded him of how much he missed Casey. The city he’d once loved felt cold
and lonely. The sights and sounds just seemed garish and grating. He was
miserable and everyone knew it. Skip had accused him of having a permanently
foul mood transplanted into himself.

Jack probably
would have gone on being in a foul mood for the rest of his life if he hadn’t
found himself faced with the opportunity to see Casey again. After he’d filed
all the depositions and finished his debriefing, it had been glaringly obvious
to everyone that Casey was a unique woman. Someone nominated her for a special
commendation and she was easily accepted. Once a year, there was a banquet
where the awards would be handed out to individuals who’d provided some
especially useful assistance to the FBI. Casey was one of half a dozen such
individuals that would be honored tonight.

Jack
had spent the weeks since he’d learned of the banquet trying to figure out
exactly what he wanted. At first blush, it seemed simple enough. He was
miserable without Casey. He wanted her more than he wanted his next breath. But
he kept coming back to the question of what would be best for her. What if he
was as miserable living in her world as he currently was in his own? What if
they couldn’t find a way to make it work? And what about John? For all Jack
knew, Casey had decided she loved him instead. Hell, they could be married by
now. It wouldn’t be the first time a man and woman got married after an intense
emotional upheaval. Casey’s near death would certainly qualify. Jack already
knew John loved her. Did he have any right at all to come between them?

After
days of soul-searching, Jack wasn’t any closer to answering the questions. The
only thing he knew was that he loved Casey Nolan with every fiber of his being.
Maybe she didn’t want him. He could hardly blame her if she hated him,
considering the way he’d left her. It was possible all his self-doubt was for
nothing. It didn’t make preparing to face her any easier, though. Whether she
hated him or loved him, Jack knew he was more petrified now than he’d ever been
during all his years in federal service. He tugged at his tie once more before
releasing a short curse and turning away from the mirror. He had to see her.
Whatever happened afterwards, he’d deal with it.

Casey
stared at her reflection in the full length mirror. She’d bought the dress
earlier that day. It was a wholly frivolous purchase. Even if she ever had
occasion to wear it again, within a few weeks she wouldn’t be able to fit into
the copper-colored sheath. She wasn’t showing yet, but she soon would be. She
laid a hand on her belly.

“We’re
gonna see your daddy, tonight.”

She
wasn’t far enough along to feel the baby move, but her stomach was tumbling
enough to tremble beneath her fingers. She hadn’t been able to eat lunch,
despite John’s efforts to make her force some food down. The morning sickness
had passed, but her nerves wouldn’t let her eat today. She’d spent the past
weeks trying to figure out how to tell Jack about the baby. It wasn’t the sort
of thing a person just spat out. She had no idea how to broach the subject. She
was afraid of how he might react. She believed he’d be responsible, but she
feared that was all he’d want to be. What if he didn’t want his child at all?
What if he chose to provide monetary support without any hint of emotion? Casey
cradled her abdomen protectively.

“Whatever
happens, baby, I promise you’ll always be loved. You’re mommy loves you so much
already.”

“Don’t
forget Uncle John.”

Casey
glanced up and met her brother’s gaze in the mirror. He walked up behind her,
looking very dashing in his western cut tuxedo. He’d even bought a new hat for
the occasion. He wrapped his arm around her, covering her hand with his own.

“You
know I love this baby, too.”

Casey
nodded. “I know. But what if he doesn’t?”

John’s
expression clouded. “If he doesn’t, then it’s his loss. Frankly, I don’t know
why you care. He doesn’t deserve you, either of you.”

It was
an old argument. John had been fit to be tied when she told him she was
pregnant. He’d wanted to track Jack down and demand he do the right thing.
Casey had refused to even hear of it. She wouldn’t force any man into marriage.
She could support her child and herself just fine. After that, John had
questioned her determination to tell Jack about the child. John figured Jack
had given up any rights when he walked out on her without so much as a goodbye.
But Casey wouldn’t do that to him.

“He has
a right to know, John.”

John
let her go, turning to walk across the room. “You’re still in love with him.”

Casey
turned around to meet her brother’s gaze. “Yes. Maybe I always will be. And
that’s why I won’t shut him out of our child’s life. Jack isn’t a bad man,
John. He’s just set in his ways. He’d go crazy on the ranch and we both know
I’d go just as insane here. He never lied to me, never promised me anything at
all. I knew the way things were and I don’t regret what we did. It just wasn’t
meant to be, for us. You can’t hold that against him.”

“I can,
and I will. It was his job to keep you safe and he didn’t do it. I’ll never
forgive him for that.”

Casey
sighed. “It was my job to protect him as well. You’ve got to understand that.
Jack was ready to die. You know it as well as I do. He figured after Jester
shot him, he’d be vulnerable to you and Stan. Even if I’d known you two were
out there, I would never have let Jester kill him. It wasn’t his fault. None of
it.”

John
shook his head and Casey crossed the room to him. She reached out and laid her
hand on his arm. “Look at me, John. I’d have done the same thing for anyone
else.”

John
knew it was true. Casey watched as her brother finally sighed and nodded.

“I
know. That’s part of why I love you so much. You really do deserve this award.”

Casey
shrugged. “I don’t need an award for doing my job. The only reason I’m here is
to tell Jack about the baby. This banquet was just a convenient excuse to see
him again.”

Chance
came trotting into the room. His limp was nearly imperceptible. Hers was more
pronounced. Given time and a lot of therapy, her leg ought to eventually heal
completely. She wouldn’t be leading any search parties for a long while, but
she could live with that. She wasn’t afraid anymore. Eventually, she’d go back
into the woods she loved. For the time being, she meant to focus on healing,
physically and emotionally.

Jack
met Skip at the door of the banquet hall. Skip looked completely relaxed. Jack
wanted to smack him when his partner gave him an amused grin.

“Nervous?”

“Shut
up.”

“Maybe
she’ll be wearing that gun of hers. After the way you left, she might just whip
it out and put a round in your stubborn ass. Can’t say I’d blame her.”

Jack
shot Skip a glare.

“I
already know I was a jackass. I don’t need you to reinforce that fact.”

“Yeah,
well I wasn’t sure. The way you’ve been moping around since we got home, I
thought maybe you were unclear about how you felt. I can’t figure out any other
explanation for why you didn’t get your butt on a plane and tell her you’re
crazy about her.”

Jack
sighed. “Look, it’s complicated, okay.”

“Bull.
You’re just scared she won’t want you.”

Jack
considered socking his partner in the jaw, but got distracted when his gaze
caught sight of Casey. His hungry eyes drank her in like a man lost in the
desert who’d just found an oasis. She was a stunning vision in a floor-length
copper sheath that hugged all her curves just enough to make his mouth water.
She’d pulled her hair up and the color of the dress made her eyes appear to be
on fire. Or maybe that was just her emotions as she caught sight of him. She
seemed to stumble a bit. Jack wanted to reach for her, to run to her, but he
saw the man who walked at her side. He saw the way he wrapped his arm around
her waist to offer support. Jack watched as Casey leaned into John, obviously
drawing comfort from his nearness. In that instant, Jack felt his heart turn to
stone. Well, what had he expected? This was exactly what he’d intended to
happen when he walked away from her.

Casey
saw the coolness of Jack’s gaze and it almost made her want to turn around and
run back to her room. But she wasn’t a coward. She’d made up her mind and she
intended to go through with her plans. She glanced up at John.

“I’m
okay. I just stumbled.”

John
nodded and offered her his arm. He’d seen Jack Hall. He knew exactly why his
sister’s steps had faltered. God help the idiot if he caused her any more pain
than he already had.

Jack
felt like he was standing at attention as Casey and John approached. They
stopped and he could feel Casey’s eyes on him. He knew he had to look at her
sometime, but he figured he’d put it off as long as he possibly could. He heard
Skip clear his throat, but Jack still couldn’t make his voice work. He might as
well have been frozen. Finally, Skip stepped forward.

“Ms.
Nolan. It’s a real pleasure to see you again. I’m especially glad to see you
getting around so well.”

Jack
heard a hint of a tremor in Casey’s voice as she answered.

“It
could certainly have been much worse. I’ll need some therapy, but they tell me
everything will be fine.”

Jack
finally managed to shift his gaze to her. She was flushed, obviously uneasy. It
made him feel even more like an ass to know he was causing her distress. He
cleared his throat, forcing his voice into service. It was rough, but at least
he wasn’t standing there like a statue any longer.

“I’m
glad you’re going to recover.”

Her
gaze darted to him, then skittered away. She couldn’t even look at him. Jack
chanced a glance at her boyfriend and saw exactly what he expected. The man
looked like he could chew nails. Jack cleared his throat again and took a
stiff-legged step back. “Why don’t you let me show you to your table?”

He
turned and headed for the dais at the front of the hall. All the award
recipients were seated on the stage. Jack climbed the steps, then paused to
wait for Casey and John. His teeth were grinding by the time she’d climbed the
three steps. She had to lean on John as she took one step at a time. The leg
she’d broken was the same one the bear had torn up. It was now weaker than
ever. It also caused her some obvious pain. She sighed when she reached the top
step. Jack managed to keep his mouth shut, though he wanted to release a litany
of curses. Again, he knew he’d done this to her. No wonder she wouldn’t even
meet his gaze. She must hate him.

Casey
gratefully sank into the chair John pulled out for her. She’d known this would
be hard, but she hadn’t dreamed how difficult it would actually be. Jack was
like a stranger. His voice and his gaze held no emotion at all. How was she
ever going to look into that cold, blank stare and tell him he was going to be
a father? Under the table, she laid her hand against her belly.

Jack
and Skip took their seats beside Casey and John. Jack had intended to sit
beside her, but he pulled out Skip’s chair and sank into it instead. He saw the
look his partner shot him, but ignored it. Casey didn’t want him. He wasn’t
going to make her more uncomfortable than she already was.

The
banquet started and Jack resolutely counted down the minutes until it was time
for him approach the podium. He’d agonized over how he felt about Casey, but he
hadn’t once questioned what he’d say about her. He was the one who’d witnessed
her actions throughout the hunt for Russell Jester. He had been the logical
choice to tell her story to the crowd. When the emcee finally introduced him,
Jack got to his feet and stepped to the microphone.

“Any
field agent will tell you that one of the most disquieting aspects of the job
is the moment you’re confronted with the necessary involvement of a civilian.
Whether it’s a civilian hostage or a civilian expert, the concern is always the
same. Civilians are, if you’ll forgive my honesty, one more thing to worry
about. They’re generally lacking in any useful training that will keep them out
of harm’s way. Frequently, they make the job more difficult. There’s nothing
worse than finding yourself in a situation where a civilian is between you and
a target you need to take down. Three months ago, I found myself in exactly
that position.