BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival (18 page)

Sixteen

1958 – California

“Sarah, wake up.” He looked into the back seat, and yelled, “Sarah!” His voice sounded miles away; I opened my eyes, and saw Daddy looking at me, grinning. “We’ll be at my sister’s in a day or two!” 

He’d been driving night and day after leaving the motel, and I’d spent most of that time sleeping. The terror I’d felt while on top of the roof had really worn me out. I needed the rest. 

In my head I could still hear Jimmy crying, but I knew I did all I could for the little guy. I was glad I told Daddy I didn’t know when he’d eaten last and about the milk in his bottle being bad. He promised he’d give him a new bottle when I went out to the car. I hope he did.

Poor little kid. He didn’t ask for any of that shit! He didn’t ask to be left with no one to care for him! I still wished Daddy hadn’t left him. I know I could’ve taken care of him…

“Sarah!”

“What?” I looked at him with a blank stare.

“I asked if you’re hungry.”

“I’m sorry, Daddy. I was just thinking. But, I’m starving and I gotta go, bad.

“We’ll stop up here, okay?”

Looking out the window, I saw the town just ahead. “I can wait that long.”

I didn’t know where we were in California, but I’d get to meet Molly in a couple of days. Daddy said the last time he saw her she had bright red hair, and that she sings, but other than that, I knew nothing about her.

He pulled into the restaurant parking lot, and parked close to the door. I went straight to the bathroom, and almost didn’t make it! When I came out, Daddy sat in a booth, smiling in his charming way, as he sweet-talked the waitress.

I heard him say, “No, we’re just passing through, but if I get back this way, I’ll take you up on that offer.”

I sat down, smiled up at her, and from the look on her face, I knew Daddy had her eating out of his hand.

“What can I get you, little one?” She grinned.

“Tuna sandwich, French fries and a Coke, please.”

“And manners, too. I’m impressed, Carl. You’ve raised her well since the death of your wife.” She patted Daddy’s shoulder, and smiled ear to ear. “I’ll be right back with your drinks.”

“Carl?” I whispered. “That’s a new one, Daddy. Who am I?”

“You’re Kathy. Do you like that name?”

“Yeah, I like it! It’s a lot better than
Suzy
.”

The waitress brought my soda and Daddy’s coffee just as some other people walked in. She said she had to seat them and get their order, but she’d talk more to
Carl
later.

I’d tried several times talking to Daddy after we left Janet. I’d decided—even though he hadn’t asked—I wanted to tell him about all the men at the house while he was gone.

He didn’t want to listen.

Talking to the waitress had gotten him in a really good mood, so I decided to try one more time. Before I got two words out of my mouth about it, he gave me his ‘I don’t want to hear it’ look, and said,
“Sarah, that’s a closed book. We’ll never speak about it again.”

I figured it really didn’t matter if Jimmy was Daddy’s kid or not. I still loved Jimmy, and he’d always be my little brother—my lost, deserted little brother. 

“Aye, we all loved the wee one,”
Scottie whispered.

After we finished lunch, Daddy talked to the waitress while I went to the bathroom again. I hoped he wouldn’t leave with her, and when I came back to the table, he kissed her on the cheek, and said he’d call her.

We left the restaurant, just the two of us!

Daddy said Molly lived in Downey and he’d call for directions when we hit the city limits. With a full tummy, I felt content and fell asleep as soon as he turned onto the highway.

I woke up just as Daddy came out of a little store, whistling, and carrying a small paper sack in his hand. He climbed behind the wheel, turned to me, and handed me the bag. “I figured you’d be thirsty. I got your favorite.” 

I tried to open the Coke, but I couldn’t pull the cap off that Daddy had loosened for me while in the store. Daddy took the bottle, pulled it off with ease, handed it back to me, and said, “I called Molly and we’ll be at her house in about an hour.”

“That’s great Daddy, but you haven’t told me much about her.” I took a swig of my soda, waiting to hear more.

“I told you all I know, Sarah. I haven’t seen her in twenty years, but you’ll have plenty of time to get to know her. We’ll be staying there for a while.”

“You’re staying too, aren’t you, Daddy?”

“Why do you ask that, Sarah?”

“I thought you might leave me there—alone.”

“Now, have I ever left you alone before, baby?” He laughed. “Daddy’s not gonna leave you. Okay?”

I looked into his eyes, and in my head I heard Jean’s voice…
“He left us many times!  All the times we waited in the fuckin’ car while he went off to get laid! And, he left us with Janet!”

“Jean, watch your temper!  He always came back,”
Ann warned.

I decided I’d better not tell him what Jean had said—even though she spoke the truth. 

“Okay, Daddy. We’ve been together a long time, just you and me, until Janet.”

“Yes, baby. It was just us for many years.”

“I’ve taken good care of you, haven’t I, Daddy? Haven’t I?”
Jean appealed.

Jean took over because she needed him to remember they’d always done as he said, no matter what. But deep down, she knew, same as I knew, Daddy planned to leave us, just like he left Jimmy. Only difference—we’d be left with strangers, and he’d be gone—maybe forever.

“You know I’ve shown you how much I love you all these years. You’re daddy’s big girl, Sarah. You’ve taken very good care of me, baby. Daddy needs you, Sarah. I need you right now. Come up here and give daddy what you know he needs. Come on, baby, climb over the seat. That’s my girl.”

Jean climbed into the front seat.

Daddy already had his thing out of his pants, and leaned his head back against the window. He moaned as she, again, did as he’d asked. When finished, he fell asleep, smiling.

Jean climbed into the back and lay down, watching him sleep. We all loved him so much, and the thought of not being with him made Jean so sad. She hoped it had been good enough, and fell into a deep sleep….

“Sarah, wake up! We’re here! We’re at Molly’s house!” Parking in the driveway, he got out and opened my door just as a red-headed woman came running out of the house, waving her arms.

She scampered up to him, throwing her arms around his neck. I saw tears running down her cheeks.

“Eli! Oh, Eli! You’re here! My dear brother, it’s been too long!” Smiling, she looked at me. “Is this little Sarah? Oh, Eli she’s darling!” She bent down and gave me a hug.

“Come in the house. I want you to meet my husband. Oh Eli, you’re gonna like Frank. He’s so much like you! Tall, good-looking, and smart.” She held on to Daddy’s arm and laughed all the way to the door.

Her husband’s name—that name—and Molly saying he was ‘like Daddy’ made the others remember Uncle Frank. It frightened Polly so much she didn’t want to go into the house.  

“I don’t want to go inside! I don’t want to be hurt again!”
Polly cried.

“It’s all right, Polly. We’re here with you,”
Ann comforted her. But, not knowing what we’d be walking into, Ann felt she should take over, and thought, Uncle Frank is just another bitter memory added to all the others….

“Frank, they’re here! Eli and little Sarah! They’re here!”

Ann knew she had to get her thoughts off the other Uncle Frank before she met
this
Frank. To redirect her thoughts, she concentrated on Molly’s very red hair piled on top of her head with strands hanging down the sides, touching her shoulders. The bright red color looked good, and she liked Molly’s smile. 

Molly had greeted them with a big smile that hadn’t appeared fake like so many of the women she’d seen. Bobbi had a beautiful smile...

Suddenly, strong hands gripped Ann’s arms and lifted her into the air.

She was looking into the face of a man, smiling, with a thick, black beard and brown eyes. He looked nothing like the other Frank, and feeling comfortable, she allowed me to
return, but instead, Jean came out.

“Hi, Sarah. I’m Uncle Frank. I’m glad you’re gonna stay here and live with us.”

Jean was thinking that he didn’t look like Daddy when it hit her as to what he’d said, and screamed, “Daddy, no! You said you weren’t leaving!”

She struggled to get out of Frank’s grip.

The second her feet hit the floor she ran to him, sobbing. “You said you were staying! Why, Daddy? Wasn’t it good enough? Didn’t I do it good enough?” Jean cried.

“Excuse us, Molly. I need some privacy with my daughter while I explain about my leaving for a few days.” 

“Of course, Eli. Take all the time you need. We’ll be in the kitchen.”

Daddy waited until Molly and Frank were out of hearing range, then frowning, he whispered, “I thought you were gonna give away our secret, Sarah! Remember, I told you never,
never
tell anyone what you do for me? No one would understand.”

“I didn’t say what it was, Daddy. Didn’t I do it good enough?” Jean’s eyes pleaded with him.

“Sarah, baby, don’t cry. You did it very well, sweetie. Just the way I taught you. Daddy’s never complained, now have I?”

“No, but I thought if it
was
good enough you wouldn’t leave me.”

“I’m only gonna be gone a few days. Just long enough to finish a job, and then I need to stop off and visit some friends. I’ll be back before you know it. I promise.”

“Promise?” she sniffled.

“Yes, sweetie, I promise. Now, no more tears, and be very careful what you say around your Aunt Molly, okay?”

“Okay, Daddy. I won’t tell.” She dried her tears.

Daddy smiled, hoping Molly wouldn’t ask questions about what was
good enough
, and went into the kitchen.

The next morning I awoke to the smell of bacon cooking. It smelled so good, and I was very hungry—as usual. Letting my nose lead the way, I found Molly in the kitchen, cooking, and Frank sitting at the table with the newspaper and a cup of coffee.

“Well, good mornin’, sunshine.” Frank smiled. 

Molly told me where to sit, placing a glass of milk in front of me. “We’re having bacon, eggs, hash browns, and pancakes this morning, Sarah.”

“That sounds good, but I don’t like milk. May I have a Coke, please?”

“You can have water or juice, but no soda this early in the morning.”

I chose the juice, then asked, “Where’s Daddy?”

“He left early this morning, sweetie,” Frank answered.

Instantly, my heart sank. When I went to bed he said he’d see me in the morning. Daddy had lied. He left me just like I knew he would! Why did I trust him? I knew he’d run out on me!

I felt so sad—and betrayed. 

“I tried to do it good enough, Daddy. I’m sorry. Please come back to us
,” Jean whispered.

Several days came and went. Then several weeks.
After several months I stopped asking if they’d heard from Daddy. He left Jimmy, and he left me, too, and deep down, I knew he wouldn’t be back. 

When Molly and Frank saw how despondent I’d become, they’d come into my room every night and tell me everything would be all right and that I could live with them forever. I was as happy as I could be without Daddy, and for the first time, that I could remember, I had snacks and three meals a day.

But still, I cried myself to sleep each night.

I liked Molly’s house, and her kitchen was gigantic with lots of windows. My room was really big, and I had a four-poster bed with a pretty gold bedspread, and my own big dresser. Molly bought me new clothes and Frank gave me a doll and some other toys.

They were very nice, and they tried so hard to make me feel at home, but I missed Daddy so much my sadness remained. I felt like I had a dark cloud hanging over my head night and day.

I never forgot Daddy had left me, and I couldn’t forgive him for that, or for always taking me from the people I loved the most: Mama, Grandmother and Granddad, then Bobbi….

Suddenly, it hit me! I didn’t remember what Mama looked like…or Granddad…
or Grandmother.  I couldn’t remember anything about my life before Daddy took me away! All the memories I’d tried so hard to hang on to were now gone.

“I wish Mama hadn’t died. If she hadn’t, we might’ve gone home—someday—before I forgot all the people I used to love.”