Bill The Vampire - 01 (8 page)

“Hold it,” I interrupted, “I think I'd just as soon choose my own name, thank you very much.”

For some reason, this seemed to surprise Night Razor, and he appeared at a loss for words. Even Ozymandias seemed a bit taken aback, albeit only momentarily. He quickly composed himself and spoke up before Night Razor could do so.

“I believe your new recruit here is correct. It is ultimately his choice, if he wishes. However, if I may, I find myself favoring the name Darkwing,” he said with a smirk, alluding to my earlier failed attempt at a badass one-liner.

I gave him a withering stare back and said, “Pass. Instead I think I'll be...” Oh fuck me! I hate being put on the spot. I had no freaking idea what to choose. I mean, it took me a whole frigging week just to come up with a name for my last
Dungeons & Dragons
character, and, no, I wasn't using that. I had no intention of being
Kelvin Lightblade
for the rest of my days. And yet, somehow I doubted they'd let me off with an “I'll get back to you on that.”

Think, think, think, stupid!

My email address? No.

Any older characters? Nothing cool was coming to mind.

TV characters? Hmmm,
Cobra Commander
had potential... but nah!

One of my online game IDs? Sure! Why not?

“Call me... Dr. Death!” I blurted out. I was sure I'd be met with praise and awe at such a kickass name. Instead, I got silence. Damn, maybe I should have gone with Cobra Commander, after all.

“Dr. Death!?” Night Razor blurted out. “You've got to be kidding me.”

“What?” I countered. “It's no stupider than
Night Razor
!” Oh fuck! There I go again, talking before thinking.

Another chuckle came from Ozymandias. That was a good sign. As long as he was laughing, I'd probably still be drawing breath. But ole Jeffy sure as shit didn't seem to be amused.

“ENOUGH!” he practically roared. “Fine, take whatever name you want. In three months, it won't matter.” I was about to question that little detail, but he apparently wasn't finished. “
Dr. Death,”
he mocked, “do you pledge your allegiance to the coven and your master?”

“Uh sure, I guess.”

Okay, maybe that answer didn't quite convince him of my undying loyalty, because suddenly he did that voice ringing through my skull thing again.

“
ENOUGH OF YOUR INSOLENCE! I AM YOUR SIRE, YOUR MASTER! NOW KNEEL! KNEEL AND PREPARE TO RECEIVE MY BLESSING!”

Blessing? I'm not a homophobe or anything, but that sounded just a little too much like a line from this bukake film I sorta
accidentally
downloaded the other week. Once again, I had this fleeting urge to do as he said, but, once again, it quickly passed, and I was able to clear my head. Damn, I don't know what the hell he was doing or how the hell he was doing it, but I was certain I'd need a few aspirins come the morning. Either way, none of that mattered. What did was that it was all starting to piss me off.

“No,” I said.

“What?” Jeff barked, again almost incredulously.

“I said no. Screw that! I'll join your club here; doesn't seem like I have much choice in the matter. But no way am I getting on my knees. You can get one of your lackeys to suck your dick, or whatever it is you want.”

“Unbelievable,” said Ozymandias

“No fucking way! It can't be,” Jeff spat and then rounded on Ozymandias. “A goddamn
Freewill
, Ozymandias!? Are you fucking for real?”

“Don't look at me,” Ozymandias replied, sounding genuinely surprised. “I had no idea he was one. I wasn't even sure they really existed.”

At this, the collective hive of vamps burst into excited whispers. Gotta say, absolutely nothing kills the aura of menace that a room full of vampires exudes faster than them suddenly acting like a bunch of twelve year old girls. On the other hand, at least I could understand something like that, which was good, because I had no clue what Razor and Ozymandias were talking about.

“Let's not jump to conclusions, Night Razor,” Ozymandias continued. “It doesn't take a genius to see he's had you frazzled since you turned him. Who knows, maybe you're just losing your touch. Let me try,” and then to me, “Yo, Dr. Death! Gah, and I thought Rage Vector was a stupid name.
I COMMAND YOU TO HOP ON ONE FOOT
!”

If Night Razor's voice rattled in my bones, Ozymandias' voice sounded like someone had plugged a thousand-watt amp straight into
my soul
. Christ! I was probably going to hear him reverberating around in my skull for a week. Loud as it was, though, that earlier feeling I had momentarily felt to obey Night Razor's commands just wasn't there for this. I was either getting used to it, or I was just getting royally pissed off at all the people trying to tell me what the hell to do. I remained standing... on both feet.

“Well, I'll be staked at high noon!” Ozymandias exclaimed and suddenly burst into laughter. “Oh, this is absolutely brilliant! Can I pick ‘em, or what?”

Night Razor was not nearly as amused. “This is not cool, Ozymandias. How the hell am I supposed to maintain order with this fucking
thing
running around in my coven?”

“No idea. But fortunately, that's not my problem.”

“Seriously, you can't leave him here. Take him with you. Maybe the Draculas can dissect him or something.” (
Okay, that didn't sound promising.
)

“Oh, I'm sure the Draculas will want to hear about him,” Ozymandias replied. “But until I get some definitive word from them, he's part of your coven. I can't interfere.”

“Fuck that! You've already interfered!”

Ozymandias shrugged, “Okay, you got me there. I
choose
not to interfere. Better?”

“No! That still doesn't help me.”

“Well, then assign him a babysitter or something! Just stop whining like a little girl about it.”

Night Razor still wasn't done, though. “James,
please
!” (
James?
)

“Enough!” barked Ozymandias, the threat returning to his voice. “My ruling stands, end of discussion. The sun will be up in another hour or so. I need to go. Take a little while and think about things, Night Razor. I'm sure a smart fellow like you can come up with something.”

With that, Ozymandias (
or was that James... what is it with these guys?
) turned his back on Razor and faced me. “Good luck to you, my amusing and surprising friend. I don't doubt you'll need it.”

He retrieved his coat and went straight for the exit, nobody daring to get in his way. A quick slam of the door, and the one person that I had on my side, sorta, was gone. I was alone in a sea of predators.

The thing is, the predators didn't seem to be too hungry anymore. Most of them hung back from me, still whispering amongst themselves. Night Razor finally broke the silence,

“Ozymandias is right! Sunrise is right around the corner. You should all be getting back to your nests.” When no one made a move to leave, he put some extra juice into his voice.  ”
NOW, PEOPLE! GET MOVING. I DON'T WANT ANYONE GETTING CAUGHT IN THE SUN
. There have been enough dustings for one day.
NOW
MOVE
!” He couldn't have gotten a better response if he had personally booted each and every one of them in the ass. Whatever I had in me that allowed me to resist his voice, the others either didn't have, or chose not to use. So that left a bunch of scrambling vamps with only myself and Razor standing still.

“So... um... can I go home now?” I asked as non-confrontationally as I possibly could.

“Even if I wanted to let you go, which I am still debating, no. The sun is coming up soon, and, my personal feelings aside, as one of my coven, I am bound by our laws to keep you from toasting yourself. Besides which,
we
are your home now.”

“Yeah, I get it, blood brothers and all. But I have an apartment, roommates, a job that's going to kick my ass if I don't report in...”

“You don't get it. Your life is over. All of that is dust now. We are your new family. We are your new life, for however long that might last (
*gulp*
). You will stay here for now until I can figure out what to do with you.”

“Yeah, but...”

“I
INSIST
!” Before I could form another protest on my lips, my field of vision was rapidly filled by an extreme close-up of Night Razor's fist. Guess the argument was settled after all, since I didn't even feel myself hitting the floor.

“Ugh! Please tell gramps not to back his car over me again...”

“What?”

Wait a second. That voice sounded familiar. Female, but definitely not Mom or Grandma. That must mean unrelated, which probably means... oh yeah… got to bump me some uglies last night. Just please don't be a hairy Sasquatch beast when I open my eyes!

“Come on, wake up! Christ! How hard did Jeff hit you?”

Jeff? Oh, shit, Night Razor! Dammit, I'm doing it again! I have got to stop dying around that asshole. Oh, wait, no fading heartbeat this time. Guess I technically didn't die again. That's right... the fucker punched my lights out! Hope he didn't draw any dicks on my face.

“Jesus Christ, Bill, get up or I'm going to leave without you!” the voice threatened.

“Dr. Death,” I managed to croak in response as I felt my senses slowly returning to me.

“No way am I calling you that stupid fucking name. That's Jeff's idiotic rule, and since he ain't here, fuck that shit!”

“Okay, okay. I'm getting up. Just quit your goddamn yelling...” I opened my eyes. “You! You fucking bitch!” I spat as I focused on Sally's traitorous, but still hot... let's not completely forget our priorities here... face. She was staring down at me, wearing a pair of silk pajamas (
oh yeah... me likey likey... no! I've got to focus. Bitch got me killed
). Judging from how far above me she stood, I was still lying on the floor. Assholes had just left me where I fell.

“No need to be rude,” she sniffed.

“RUDE!? Because of you, I'm a fucking walking corpse being held prisoner by a bigger, meaner walking corpse,” I growled as I pushed myself to a sitting position.

“Yeah, sorry about that. Wasn't anything personal.”

“That's the best you've got? A pathetic little
sorry
?”

“Well, yeah,” she countered. “Like I said, it wasn't personal. We were just having a little fun, and you fit the description of who I was supposed to bring. Besides which, you didn't have to come. I didn't exactly force you.” (
Touché.
)

“That doesn't make it better! There are a lot of people dead because you and your coven of shitheads decided to have a
little fun
. Wait! What do you mean
fit the description
?”