Beyond Affection (19 page)

Lacie frowned.  She thought Shelly had seemed just fine, but refrained from saying so.  Craig was acting very strangely.  Even more protective than usual, he was speaking to her as if she was an explosive child prone to temper tantrums.  Usually if Craig had something to say he just came out and said it, subtlety be damned.  This cautiousness was out of character, and something told her that whatever he was referring to was about more than one missed pizza and movie night.

“And you yelled at me, Lacie. 
Twice
.  You’ve been angry with me before, but you never yelled at me.  Scowled at me, told me I was wrong, walked away, sure - but never yelled.”  He gave her a look of such suffering she felt a slight twinge of guilt.  “I was only trying to look out for you.”

If she didn’t know better, she might think Craig was actually
pouting
.  Those pills he gave her last night must have hallucinogenic side effects.  Had she not felt like Alice in Wonderland falling down into the rabbit hole she might have laughed, but her instincts told her this was no laughing matter.  She decided to go with her instincts on this one.   

“I’m sorry I yelled at you, Craig,” she said slowly, carefully, gauging his response.  “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Damn right you shouldn’t have,” he agreed, slightly mollified, and she knew she had made the right choice.  She would have to be very careful until she understood more about what was happening, because at that moment, she was well and truly lost. 

“I know you get stressed out sometimes, Lacie.  And that’s okay.  You can always vent to me, baby.”  He stroked her hair.  “But I knew something was really wrong when you brought a man back to your apartment.  The Lacie I know would never have jumped into bed with a man she’d just met.”

Lacie stiffened, ignoring her body’s protests, her cheeks flaming.  “How did you know about that?”

“I saw him leaving your apartment at six a.m., babe, and he was smiling and whistling.  There’s only one thing that makes a man smile like that at six a.m.”  He sighed.  “My Lacie wouldn’t have given herself away so easily.”

She was speechless, torn between embarrassment that Craig knew what she’d done and rage that it bothered her.  She was a grown woman; a responsible adult more than capable of making her own decisions, and what happened between her and Shane was a beautiful, wondrous thing.  It was hard to feel any shame for what she and Shane had shared, not when it felt so right, so perfect.  The feelings she had for Shane – even after only a week – was the stuff of fairy tales.  Never before had she felt a connection with another quite so strongly, and she would not apologize for it. 

That didn’t mean she wanted everyone to know that he’d spent the night.  No matter how right it was, there were still those who wouldn’t understand.  Craig’s reaction was a prime example of that.

“That’s really none of your business,” she said, ignoring the little red flags her common sense was waving, her voice noticeably cooler.

“The hell it isn’t,” he retorted, his voice louder than it had been.  This was more like the Craig she knew.  He might be mad, but at least this was a familiar field they were playing on now.  “
Everything
you do is my business, Lacie.”

“How do you figure that?”  Lacie was getting angrier with each passing tick of the clock, ignoring the warnings firing left and right in her addled brain.  The red flags were multiplying and waving frantically now.

“Goddamnit, Lacie!”  He stood up and paced away from her, attempting to get himself under control.  “How can you even ask me that?  Christ, I’ve been looking out for you since you could barely walk.”

Lacie flinched as if he had slapped her.  “I’m not a kid anymore, Craig,” she said. 

“No,” he agreed, his voice oddly strangled.  “You sure as hell aren’t.”  He paused near the window and exhaled heavily, dragging his hand down over his face.  “You are a beautiful, sweet, grown woman, Lacie.  And I ... care for you.  I always have.”

Whoa
.  Lacie was stunned by his blatant admission.  She’d been expecting him to argue with her, or to give her yet another lecture on her poor choices, but this?  Nothing could have prepared her for this.

Feeling off-balance, she took a minute to regroup.  Had she, at some level, suspected he’d had feelings for her?  Maybe.  But deep down she’d refused to accept them as anything more than brotherly affection.  It would have complicated things too much.  She didn’t want things to be weird between them.  But now he was giving her no choice.  He was forcing her to address the issue head on.

She steeled herself for the words she’d hoped she’d never have to say.  The last thing she wanted to do was come across as ungrateful or to hurt his feelings.  Yes, he could be arrogant and overprotective, but she had known him forever.  And despite being loud and overbearing, she did love him as if he really was her brother.  That’s how family was.  You loved them, regardless of their faults. 

Still, she owed him the truth.  “I care for you, too, Craig, but not... not like that.  Not like I do for Shane.”

Shane
... as she thought of him, her body started reacting with what was becoming a familiar response – a feeling of being enveloped in something warm and soft, of comfort, of love.  Where was he now?  Was he looking for her?  Was he worried?  She thought about how concerned he had been over her hand, over the murderous look in his eyes when Craig had been waiting for her in the hallway outside of class that day...

At the mention of Shane’s name, Craig’s entire body tensed, and she reflexively pulled the blankets tighter around her as if to form some sort of protective shield between them.  “He’s only using you, Lacie,” he spit out.  “Can’t you see that?  You are nothing more to him than a quick fuck.  Another notch on his goddamned bedpost.”

Lacie gasped, immediately sorry she did when her ribs protested.  “That’s not true!”

“Don’t be so naïve, Lacie,” he said, exasperated, running his hands through his hair as he paced away from her.  The condescension was back in his tone. “A man doesn’t jump into bed with a woman he really loves, a woman he wants to marry.  He courts her, loves her, builds up a relationship with her over time.”

Craig ran his hand over his face again, as if searching for the right words to make her understand.  He took a deep breath and softened his voice.  “When a man really loves a woman, Lacie, he cares for her.  He’s always there when she needs him, no matter what, looking out for her.  Keeping her safe.”

She shook her head, realization dawning that they were talking about a lot more than the night Shane had stayed at her place.  What was Craig saying?  That
he
loved her?  That all this time, he hadn’t been acting out the role of the big brother, but a potential husband? 

Deep down inside, things started clicking into place, filling her with dread.  Her mind refused to accept it.  It was unthinkable.  This was
Craig
.  “No...You’re just confused, Craig,” she said, grasping at the most logical explanation.  Because Craig Davidson couldn’t possibly love her that way.  He just couldn’t. 

“Confused?”  Amusement quirked around his mouth, but his expression was as weary as she’d ever seen it.  “Lacie, I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.”

The dull throb at the back of her skull grew stronger.  Shaking her head didn’t help in the least.  Craig wasn’t himself.  He was confused, acting strangely.  He didn’t love her, not like that.  He married another woman, had a child with her...  Yes!  That was it!  He was lonely, missing Mikaela, and he was just projecting those feelings onto her. 
That
made sense.  She grabbed onto that theory with a two-handed death grip.

“It must be so hard for you since Mikaela is gone,” she said, infusing as much comfort and understanding into her voice as she could.  How could she have been so blind?  Craig was hurting.  He’d had a terrible experience overseas, returned home in awful shape, and just when things were starting to look hopeful again, his young wife died in a horrific car crash, leaving him alone with a small daughter.  It must have been devastating.  Of course he was projecting his feelings onto her!  She was one of the few constants he could cling to.

Craig’s head snapped back toward her, all traces of weariness evaporating.  “What?”

“Mikaela.  You must miss her terribly.”

He looked at her as if she had lost her mind, then he did the most unexpected thing of all.  He laughed.  “You’re kidding, right?”

Lacie’s uncertainty gnawed at her from the inside.  It did not sit well with the ever increasing ache in her head.  “No, of course not.  You loved her.  It’s perfectly understandable that you would - ”

“I never loved Mikaela.”

“What?  But - ”

“Mikaela Daniels was a simpering, pathetic fool of a girl.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t glad I don’t have to wake up to that everyday anymore.”

Lacie felt like she was in some kind of bizarre dream.  “Then why did you...”

“Marry her?  Because I knocked her up, Lacie.  Her father threatened to ruin everything if I didn’t.  Interfering bastard,” he muttered.  “He should have been in that car with her.  That would have been fucking perfect.  Let
him
spend eternity listening to her whine and mewl.”  He laughed again, a choking bark.  “That’s probably why he was so anxious to marry her off.  He couldn’t stand being around her any longer either.”

Lacie felt the air leave her lungs in a whoosh.  Reality was caving in around her, melting in a surrealist rush like a Salvador Dali painting.  The sky was blue.  The sun rose every morning.  Mikaela Daniels had been her friend.  And Craig Davidson had married Mikaela because they belonged together.

“You loved her.”  Without air in her lungs, her voice came out as a small, barely audible whisper.

“No, Lacie.  I love
you
.  I always have.”  He blew out a breath.  “Stupid cunt that she was, Mikaela knew that, at least.  She came to me one night after I’d been drinking heavily in yet another attempt to get you out of my mind, at least for a little while.”  He smiled sadly.  “She was wearing that pink sundress – the one that you always wore.  The one that drove me fucking crazy.”

Pink dress?
  Lacie remembered that dress.  It was one of her favorites – a soft checked pink and white gingham of light, airy cotton.  It had a long flowing skirt, cinched waist, and a halter top with a low-cut sweetheart neckline.  She always felt like such a princess in that dress.  And Mikaela had asked to borrow it – the night she was planning on seeing Craig.

Craig dropped down into a chair, putting his head in his hands.  “I... I thought she was you.”

What? 

“I was.. ah, hell, there’s no other word for it.  I was drunk, Lacie.  Way past my limit.  It was the night you were going out with that tool, Gabe something-or-other.”

Gabe?
  It took her a few beats to place the name.  Given that she didn’t go on that many dates, it shouldn’t have been as hard to remember him as it was.  Oh, yeah.  Gabe.  Not exactly a tool, though he was a bit on the intellectual side.  They’d had a nice, pleasant dinner and seen a movie.  Apparently he hadn’t felt any sparks either.  He never called again.  She wasn’t disappointed.

“God, you looked so beautiful.  You wore black jeans and strappy little silver sandals that put you up to chin height with me, and that navy silk top that made your eyes sparkle like sapphires.  I thought he was the luckiest son of a bitch in the world.”

Navy silk?
  Did she even have a navy silk top?  Corinne did.  Maybe she’d borrowed it – Rinn was always trying to dress her up, even back then, chastising her for having the most awful fashion sense.  How could Craig remember what she was wearing so clearly?  She couldn’t even recall what she wore yesterday.

He paused for a moment, shaking his head.  “I made the mistake of telling Brian what I thought about your dating that idiot, and he got all weird.  We got into a huge fight, came to blows.”  He smiled ruefully.  “He kicked my ass.  Told me to stay away from you.  As if I could.  Christ, I wish it could be that easy.”

Now
that
was news.  Yes, Brian had been acting strangely the last time he’d been home on leave, but she’d assumed it had something to do with his first tour overseas.  She never would have guessed he and Craig had a falling out.  And over her, no less. 

The ache in her head increased; it was a lot to take in, especially feeling as lousy as she did.  She blinked several times and tried to stay focused while Craig continued.

“So I took my beaten ass home to lick my wounds and grabbed a case of my closest friends to keep me company.  And then... there you were...at my door!  At least I thought it was you in my fucked-upedness.  A vision in that pink dress, your blonde hair clipped up on your head, looking like a fucking angel and smelling like sunshine and flowers.  You came to me, took care of me.  Cleaned me up and held me.  I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.”

Oh my God.  Mikaela!
  Lacie’d been so flattered when Mikaela said she’d wanted her hair cut and dyed to look like hers.  She’d said it would be a blast when they took their annual trip down to the shore, they could tell everyone they were twins.  

He exhaled heavily.  “But it wasn’t you.  It was Mikaela.  And the next morning, when I woke up and saw her in the cold light of the morning, I realized that.  God, I was so pissed.  She’d tricked me, Lacie.  Made herself up to look like you, knowing I wouldn’t be able to resist.”

Mikaela knew?  Brian knew?  How was that possible?

He’s starting to give me the creeps.  Have you seen the way he looks at you sometimes?  There’s nothing brotherly about it
.  Corinne’s words from only a few days ago came rushing back into her mind. Was there anyone besides her who didn’t know?  Her subconscious laughed at her.  Of course she knew.  She’d just chosen to hide her head in the sand like an ostrich and ignore it. 

It had been so easy to deny those niggling warnings in the back of her mind, especially once Mikaela and Craig hooked up.  There it was – definite proof that Craig was nothing more than an affectionate big brother.  She could lay all of her fears – the ones she refused to recognize – to rest.  But this... this made a mockery of what she realized now had been nothing more than self-effacing rationalizations on her part.