Between Octobers Bk 1, Savor The Days Series (12 page)

“Yeah,” Lily sighed, resting her index
finger on her bottom lip. “I’m going to ask him to trim it. I keep
wondering what the bottom half of his face looks like.” And then
she started blabbing on about upcoming Halloween. I tried to pay
attention to what she was saying, mentally reiterating as she
spoke.

“Want to go with me to get the kids’
costumes? I saw some cute ones in the window of that Halloween
store downtown.”

“We should try there first,” she agreed.

It didn’t mean anything to him so it
shouldn’t mean anything to me.

Forcing my scattered brain to focus, I
worked through ideas for Caleb’s costume. That week he wanted to be
a cowboy or a soldier, and before that it was his favorite yellow
sponge. Probably anything familiar would do. He was far too excited
about Halloween candy to care much about the attire. Noah swore he
didn’t want to dress up—said he was too mature—but I planned to
pick up something in case he changed his mind.

I wondered if Evan would want to go
trick-or-treating with us. If he would expect me to invite him, or
simply show up like he had been doing throughout the week. I hoped
he would assume he was invited, but—

I gave a frustrated sigh. It seemed
impossible to put him out of my mind. Wherever my thoughts started,
no matter the subject, he was somehow interjected. The first and
last cognizant thoughts I had yesterday were about him.

“Can I ask you something?” I interrupted
Lily describing the costume she planned to buy herself. “What am I
supposed to do about Evan?” I didn’t really want to ask, but I had
no experience. His actions may have meant nothing, but they sure
felt like something.

“Grace, you’re uncomfortable with his
attention. You have to tell him. You can’t let him chase if there’s
no chance of catching you.” She said it so plainly—simplifying my
conundrum while sipping her coffee.

“That’s the problem; I’m not uncomfortable.
But I think I should be. I really like him, Lil. I like his odd
sense of humor. He’s always making me laugh. How long has it been
since I really laughed?”

“
You do find him very
funny.”

“And his accent . . .” I sighed. “Just
talking about him gets me all squishy inside.” I felt the blood
rushing to my cheeks. “I have so much fun with him even if we’re
just sitting around talking.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“
What would Sol think?”

“He’d hate him for wanting to date his
wife.”

I rolled my eyes at the poor humor. “And the
boys? I don’t know if I’m capable of, you know, having another man
in my life. And Evan lives in a very big world. There are a million
reasons why I shouldn’t be with him.”

The logical side of me said to back up,
while the other, goofy- girlie side—the side dominated by Evan—told
logical me to get lost.

“Tell him you aren’t ready—we both know
you’re not—and send him on his way. He’ll understand. Besides,
you’re making too much of it, he probably won’t even remember last
night. Get over it and move on.”

“What do you mean? What is there to ‘get
over’?”

“What do
you
mean?” She raised her brows, studying my
face. “Grace, you’re leading him on.”

“No, I’m not.”

She scoffed. “He’s been making up reasons to
come over here every day, making friends with your kids, offering
to do things for you, working his way into your life—”

“That is not true.”

She sighed, tapping her fingernails on the
table. “I’m not saying he’s a bad guy. Maybe he has good
intentions, but it worries me that you’re getting so close. I can’t
knock him for having good taste: you’re single, attractive, smart,
and funny. It’s only natural and—”

“You really think he’s attracted to me?”

“Obviously.” She rolled her eyes and began
laying it all out for me. “The fact that you don’t fall all over
him probably makes you all the more desirable. But you have to ask
yourself, ‘what’s the purpose of his interest?’ Is it the conquest
or you? And is it in your best interest to encourage him? Is there
potential for something substantial or just a fling?” She sipped
her coffee again, speaking directly to my logical brain. “I mean,
every woman he meets is ready to jump in the sack with him except
for you, and he wants to sleep with you. But you aren’t a casual
girl, Grace. You’ve never actually dated anyone. I don’t think you
know how.”

Disappointment sank in as I gathered the
dishes. She was right, and it made me more upset than it should.
More than I’d ever admit.

Evan was young and successful. He had a
whole world of opportunity before him. Women lying at his feet. And
even if he liked me, he wouldn’t want to be in a serious
relationship—which is what I’d need. Not that I was able to handle
any of that at the moment. The timing was altogether terrible. It
was my loneliness—my neediness—the way I latched on that gave him
the wrong impression. Over and over again.

What I needed to do was correct the
situation; push him away before things could get more complicated
on my end. The only problem was my extreme desire for the opposite.
The more I thought about it, the more strongly my heart repelled
the idea.

The familiarity in circumstance worried me,
too.

Solomon was once-in-a-lifetime. He didn’t
notice me until six months after we met. But after our first phone
conversation, I knew he was the one I was destined to be with. I
left myself behind and morphed into one half of our whole, a
transition that left me unhinged when he disappeared.

I was barely learning how to be
me
again. I didn’t need this
wonderful distraction. And I knew Dr. Lena agreed with Lily. When I
saw her at my last appointment, and told her all about my new
friend, her advice was, “Remember, Grace, you have to be able to
stand on your own before you can stand with someone
else.”

“And how do I do that?” I’d asked her.

“Self-examination,” was her answer.

In my case, that was much easier said than
done. It seemed like my mind was always two steps behind my
emotions. I never figured out how to stop them before they started.
It made things more complicated where Evan was concerned. I lost my
senses around him. When I looked in his hazel eyes, reason went out
the window. All I could think of was being with him in the moment.
He reduced me to a giggling school girl with a smirk.

“Grace, are you okay?” Lily’s hand was on my
shoulder.

“I’m just thinking,” I shrugged, bent over
the sink. “What time do you want to leave?”

“I’m going home to get ready. I’ll be back
by eleven.” Her hand was already on her purse.

I’d done nearly all the housework, except
vacuuming. Marcus snored with the fixed rhythm of a freight train
as I sat, legs folded, watching him. The fibers of the shaggy area
rug swayed back and forth with each breath. He intermittently
grumbled as he scratched his beard, turning his face into the front
of the couch. Then I was staring at the back of his head, finding
patterns in the flattened matt of curls in his dark hair.

I snatched my iPod. The drums crashed, the
bass thumped, the guitars and electronic keys screamed and my mind
was finally free to think. I tapped my lips with my fingers. Then
shut off the music, deciding to put the thinking on hold.
Self-examination was highly overrated.

Guiltily, I slunk down the hall, telling
myself that if he was asleep, I’d leave him alone. I knocked
lightly and pushed the door open.

Evan was awake and preoccupied. He was
sitting on the poorly made bed beside the still-folded sweatpants
I’d given him the night before, looking down on Sol’s guitar across
his lap. Lightly plucking the strings, he listened and made
adjustments to tune it. I froze in the mouth of the hall, watching
as he started to strum. Seeing Sol’s instrument in someone else’s
hand was strange, but not upsetting. The melody was soft and
broken. I closed my eyes to listen.

The music abruptly stopped. When I looked
again, Evan was staring.

I held out the cup of coffee. “I wasn’t sure
how you take it. I guessed and added milk and sugar.”

He hurriedly set the guitar back in the
corner. “Thank you,” he said, taking the cup and a small sip before
setting it on the nightstand. “You guessed right.”

“I didn’t know you played.”

“Marcus is the musician. I can’t really play
anything.”

“Are you hungover?”

He was staring down at the carpet. “No, but
I’d like to talk about last night. I may have made a fool of
myself.”

“You didn’t—”

“No, I did.” He paused, meeting my gaze
while running his fingers through the chaotic mess on his head that
somehow made him more attractive. The way he leaned to the side
when he combed through his locks with those long fingers . . . My
heart drummed out a strange new rhythm.

“I heard you and Lily talking.” One hand
moved from the back of his neck to the eyebrow. He nervously tapped
it with his index finger.

“Oh?”

He stood beside the bed. “Let me
explain.”

I nodded nervously, unable to recall exactly
what Lily and I divulged.

“This past week, I’ve been a complete ass.
She’s right. I have inserted myself into your life without your
permission, and I’m sorry for that.”

“Evan, I like having you—”

“No interrupting.” He moved closer, staring
into my eyes. It made my insides twist in wonderful knots. Both his
hands fell to my shoulders. I tried to ignore the sudden heat his
proximity inspired.

“I’m not sorry that I’ve spent this time
with you, only the way in which I went about it. Perhaps I
should’ve explained my intentions. I thought, mistakenly, you
would’ve realized. It’s not like I’ve been so secretive.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” I squeezed
my eyes shut, not wanting to hear what was coming.

If Evan said he wanted me, I had no idea how
I was going to deal. If it turned out he didn’t, I had no clue how
to handle that either. I could work around it as long as he kept
his feelings to himself.

“Grace. The problem is, aside from the fact
that I find you beautiful inside and out—” I put my head down,
embarrassed and relieved at the compliment. He touched my chin,
pulling it up and forcing me to look him in the eye. “Really,
Gracie, you have no idea what those eyes can do.” He sighed.
“Beyond that, though,”

Ah, God, here it comes.

“…
I never thought about what my
intentions were, until yesterday when Lily asked.”

My heated excitement and icy dread melted
into confusion. “What?”

“Don’t be upset; she was only looking out
for you. Besides, the talk helped me understand things I didn’t
before.”

“You talked to Lily?” I thought for sure,
when Lily stuck her big nose in my business, she’d at least had the
courtesy to tell me. But she didn’t. “About what?”

“How self-absorbed I am.”

My eyes widened.

“I’m sure you’ve noticed, Grace, though
you’re too polite to say anything. But there’s never been anyone
else for me to think about. I’ve always been the center of
attention in my life, my career, since childhood. Everywhere I go,
everything is about me first, and then others. It takes effort to
keep proper perspective. Except when I’m with you. Yet, all my
attempts at typical wooing have been wasted; therefore, I will be
blunt.”

He stopped, letting his words sink in. “As I
said, I don’t want to push, but that can’t be helped. I want to
know you. As much as you’re willing to tell, and I want you to know
everything about me. And if, after that, you still want me around,
I’d like to take you on a proper date. Unless you prefer to get to
know one another while dating—that’s my personal preference—and
take things from there. That’s why I’m knockin’ about all the time.
Not because I’m bored or haven’t got anything better to do.”

As my brain absorbed the simplicity of his
point, he leaned closer. The surging energy was irrefutable.

I laid my palm on his chest. As happy as I
was to know how he felt, I couldn’t . . . “Please, don’t,” was all
I could choke past the worried lump in my throat.

“I’m not some random guy looking for a
one-nighter.” His hand clutched mine, holding it to him. “You’ve
struck me, see?” After measuring my reaction, he asked. “Why?”

“I can’t give you what you want, Evan.”

“Can’t or won’t?” He gripped my hand tighter
against him.

“What if I did? What if we went out and—and
you just changed your mind . . . what then?”

“You can’t punish me for things I might do.
In any case, I can’t imagine that I would ever want to change my
mind.”

“And I don’t want to punish you,” I sighed.
I wanted to save him the trouble. “You barely know me, Evan. But I
know that you are someone I could really, easily become attached
to. I also know I’m all wrong for you.”

“Shouldn’t I be the judge of that?”

“I’m weak and you have no room in your life
for weakness. You require someone who can put up with the
absurdities of your life. Someone who can tolerate the
inconveniences of your career, the size of it. I could never be
that person.”

He took a small step forward and I moved
back.

“You’re afraid of me.”

“Of course I am. You have the most potential
to hurt me.”

“Do you think I would?” He stepped forward
once more, his hazel eyes burning into me as his free hand gripped
my waist.

“Not intentionally.”

“Gracie, you forget that I have spent nearly
every minute of the last eight days with you. Watching you deal
with the absurdities of my life. I know what you’ve been through. I
also know you are far stronger than you think.”

“I’m a wreck.” His penetrating gaze held a
strange, dramatic power. I couldn’t look away.