Between Friends (6 page)
Authors: Debbie Macomber
For: Judge Leonard Lawton
At: Pine Ridge Country Club
140 Country Club Lane
Pine Ridge, WA
When: Sunday, January 4, 1970
Time: 2-4 p.m.
To celebrate 25 years of service
No gifts please
***
January 12, 1970
Dear Jillian,
By the time you get this, you’ll be in the midst of your other life—classes and essays and (I hope) parties.
Having you home over the Christmas holidays was wonderful. It felt more like Christmas this year, didn’t it? The mood was certainly lighter than last year, when the holidays came so soon after Nick was killed.
Davey and Lindy already miss you. Lindy moped around the trailer all morning, wondering when her Aunt Jilly was going to visit again. It’ll be summer before you’re back, won’t it? It seems much too long to wait for another chat fest. I marvel at how wonderful you are with the children—and oh, how they took to you!
You look good, Jillian, more like yourself than you have in a long while. I know how difficult the last fifteen months have been without Nick and have kept you constantly in my prayers. I couldn’t find the words to say it when you were here, possibly because talking about him always makes me cry. What I wanted most to tell you is how very proud I am of you. Proud that you loved Nick despite your parents’ attitude. Proud of the way you stood up to them and believed in him and in your love.
I’m sure Nick would be pleased that you’ve kept in touch with his dad and Jimmy. You’ve made a point of being there for the two of them and being part of their lives. They’ve needed you just like you’ve needed them. Nick’s death hit his dad and Jimmy hard. I don’t think Mr. Murphy will ever get over this. I know you won’t, and helping one another is the only way to see all of you through this.
I don’t know what would’ve become of Jimmy without you. My brother Joe is in the same class with him and told me Jimmy’s almost been expelled several times. I do hope he holds on long enough to graduate this June. Speaking of graduation, I can hardly believe that in a few months you’ll be a college graduate! I understand why you decided to change your major from law to education, but try as I might, I can’t picture you as a teacher. I know your father’s disappointed and I trust my honesty won’t offend you, Jillian, but are you sure you didn’t change majors just to get back at him for his attitude toward Nick?
We’ve been friends far too long for me not to express my opinion. Now, I’ll give you the opportunity to do the same. There’s something I should’ve mentioned when you were here and didn’t. Surprise, surprise, I’m going to be a mother again this August. This baby wasn’t planned, but for that matter, neither were Davey and Lindy. We’ve been careful, but apparently not careful enough. I’ve tried to be faithful to the Church’s teachings on birth control, but the thought of three children in four years is enough to make me consider changing religions! Naturally Buck’s delighted with the news. The health insurance at the mill is pretty lousy, so it looks like we’ll need to pay a large portion of the expenses for this pregnancy ourselves. The doctor’s fee alone is $300. That’s highway robbery. Oh well, I’m not going to worry about it.
Write me soon.
Love,
Lesley
***
JILLIAN LAWTON
BARNARD COLLEGE
PLIMPTON HALL
NEW YORK, NY 10025
January 12, 1970
Dearest Nick, It’s been a couple of weeks since I last wrote, and that’s the longest period I’ve gone without writing you since your death. A shrink would suggest my not writing was a sign I’m getting over you—as if that were possible. All it really means is that I’ve been especially busy over the Christmas holidays. I saw your dad and Jimmy several times while I was at home. They both did a good job of pretending. I did, too, for their sake. I’m worried about your father, Nick. He’s so thin, and Jimmy says all he does these days is work. It’s as if he’s convinced himself that if he spends eighteen hours a day at the station he’ll forget that his wife and oldest son are dead. I don’t fault him. I’ve never had better grades, and I study and work hard for all the same reasons as your father. I’m desperately searching for a way to forget how empty my life seems without you.
Jimmy’s adjusted the best, I think. Your brother’s over six feet tall now, and when I first saw him, I did a double-take. He looks so much like you. I had a rough couple of minutes, but managed a fast recovery.
On Christmas Eve, the three of us assembled at your gravesite. We formed a circle and held on to one another. New Year’s Day, I found your father sitting on a bench near your mother’s grave. I gave him his privacy and sought my own.
I knew the holidays would be difficult, but I’m happy to report that I didn’t get into a single argument with my dad about politics or the war or anything else. I feel sorry for my mom. She’s always trying to bring the two of us together and is miserable when her efforts fail.
Loving us both makes this tension between Dad and me extrahard on her.
I played the role of the good daughter and went to Dad’s retirement party. I smiled when it was required of me and socialized to the best of my ability. Dad’s friend Montgomery Gordon attended the function, too, and I passed the time chatting with him. He’s as stuffy and full of himself as my father is.
Lesley wants me to come back to Pine Ridge this summer, but I can’t. I don’t belong there any more. Besides all the tension between Dad and me, Pine Ridge holds too many memories. Anyway, I’ll be busy applying for teaching positions around the country. As of right now, I don’t have a clue where I’ll end up.
Oh, Nick, you’d be amazed at Lesley’s babies. Davey is three and Lindy two and they’re both so precious. I fell in love with them all over again this Christmas. We would’ve had beautiful children, you and I. My heart aches for the babies we never had.
I saw a few friends from high school while I was home, mostly to satisfy my parents who are subtly pressuring me to date again. I don’t know why I should. I don’t plan to marry. No one knows that except you and Lesley. It would sound rash and melodramatic to anyone else. How could I possibly love anyone but you? I can’t. No one could ever take your place.
Remember how much I love you.
Jillian
***
***
We are pleased to announce that
Retired Judge Leonard Lawton
Has rejoined the Shields & Ellis Law Firm
Leonard Lawton is available
For mediation and arbitration,
consultation and legal representation
in business, real estate and civil matters
***
JILLIAN LAWTON
BARNARD COLLEGE
PLIMPTON HALL
NEW YORK, NY 10025
February 1, 1970
Dear Monty,
Forgive me, but I can’t make myself address you as Montgomery. I received the letter telling me you’re going to be in New York next week. Thank you for the invitation to dinner, but unfortunately I’ve already made other plans for the evening.
I understand congratulations are in order. My mother told me you’d recently been made a full partner in Lawton, Shields and Ellis. My father’s mentioned your name often and with great fondness. I’m sure the law firm will benefit from your expertise.
Once again, I’m sorry I’ll miss seeing you next week. I hope you enjoy your stay on the East Coast.
Sincerely,
Jillian Lawton
***
JILLIAN LAWTON
BARNARD COLLEGE
PLIMPTON HALL
NEW YORK, NY 10025
February 1, 1970
Dear Mom and Dad,
I insist you stop. I know you asked Montgomery Gordon to invite me out for dinner while he’s in New York. He couldn’t have been any more obvious. I’m not over Nick and I will never be over Nick. Please don’t make this more difficult than it already is. I’m not interested in seeing your friend (especially since he’s nearly fifteen years older than me!)
Because he is your friend, I refused him politely, but I would appreciate it if you’d see that this sort of thing doesn’t happen again.
Jillian
***
Pine Ridge, Washington
Reduction in Force Notice
Effective March 1, 1970
Attn: Buck Knowles
***
PINE RIDGE COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD
Day Care Available
All hours
Contact Lesley Knowles
555-6766
***
April 22, 1970
Dear Lesley and Buck,
I suppose by now you’ve heard from Mom and Dad that I’m married. I’ve known Bill Lamar for three years. We both joined the Navy at the same time. This isn’t a sudden decision and we’re both very happy.
Mom wrote that Buck got laid off at the mill. I’m sorry, Les, but it’s not really surprising, seeing how Dad’s job has been on and off for as long as I can remember. I realize another pregnancy now is going to cause you financial hardship. Apparently that’s a prerequisite for babies! We haven’t told Mom and Dad yet, but I’m pregnant too, almost four months, the same as you.
Bill isn’t Catholic and we didn’t get married in the church. Dad had one of his temper tantrums when we told him we were married by a Justice of the Peace. He said he didn’t scrimp and sacrifice all those years to send us girls to Holy Name Academy only to have us marry outside the faith. That’s a real laugh! If it wasn’t for the tuition scholarships, neither one of us would’ve been able to attend parochial schools. And we both know it was because of Mom that you and I were able to accept those scholarships. She took in ironing and later worked in the school cafeteria to pay for our uniforms and whatever else we needed. As for Dad defending the faith—what a joke. I doubt either of us can remember the last time he darkened a church door.
But I didn’t write to complain about Dad. I wanted you to know about the baby and to tell you that Bill and I are hoping to visit Pine Ridge sometime this summer.
I miss Joe, Lily and Bruce, and I worry about them at home with Dad. At least Mike got out of the house as soon as he graduated—like you and me. I never hear from him. Do you? The last thing I heard, he left town with a couple of friends and was headed for California. I can’t believe Joe’s a senior this year. What are his plans, do you know? Lily writes me every once in a while and tells me about school. She’s as smart as you were. I miss you all so much.
Write me soon.
Susan, Bill and ?
***
JILLIAN LAWTON
BARNARD COLLEGE
PLIMPTON HALL
NEW YORK, NY 10025
Dear Dad,
I just finished watching the evening news. The anger inside me refuses to be silenced. Four students were killed at Kent State today and nine others wounded. Shot by the National Guard. Are you proud, Daddy?
Does the sight of those protesters being gunned down satisfy your sense of justice? How dare the youth of America voice their dismay over the escalation of the war in Vietnam. Is that what you think? I can almost hear you say those students got what they deserved.
From the first, you’ve made your hawkish views on Vietnam very clear. You and your cronies are convinced of the importance of wiping out Communism, but so far all you’ve done is wipe out the youth of America. How many mothers weeping over the caskets of their sons will it take to prove the craziness of this war to you and your friends?
I was in grade school when you so eloquently explained to me the importance of the law and how it was based on our Constitution. I was probably the only third-grader in the entire state who could recite the entire Bill of Rights from memory. Apparently the rights you were so proud of no longer apply in our country. Apparently freedom of speech is so dangerous to our society it must be silenced by gun-toting soldiers firing blindly into a crowd of college students. Free speech is so dangerous it must be stamped out.
You once disdainfully told me you didn’t raise me to be the wife of a mechanic. That mechanic died in a fiery crash on foreign soil because our country asked it of him. Nick didn’t hide from what he considered his duty. He went willingly and fought with pride. Tell me, Dad, where are the sons of your friends? You don’t need to answer that because I already know. Harvard.
How many of your pompous friends are willing to lay the lives of their children on the line in an effort to wipe out the spread of Communism? Not a one.
As long as Nick was on the battlefield, I supported our troops, and although I disagreed with our presence in Vietnam, I supported that war. I won’t any more. Not after today. The demonstrators are right: It’s time we got out of Vietnam and Cambodia. I only regret that our withdrawal didn’t happen sooner, so I could have married the “grease monkey” you scorned.
Jillian
***
Mrs. Leonard Lawton
2330 Country Club Lane
Pine Ridge, Washington 98005
May 11, 1970
Dear Jillian,
Your letter deeply upset both your father and me. Neither one of us condones what happened at Kent State. You so distressed your father that he locked himself in his study.
He didn’t want me to say anything, but his health hasn’t been good, which is what led to his early retirement. I cannot express how much this unpleasantness between the two of you grieves me. You seem intent on blaming your dad for Nick’s death, as if he were personally responsible for this terrible war. I doubt that you realize how unfair you’ve been.
Another point. Montgomery Gordon has been like a son to us in recent years. He contacted you last February before his trip east as a courtesy and certainly not because of any prompting on either your father’s part or mine. Although I was infuriated by your accusation months ago, I bit my tongue. I can no longer remain silent. You told us earlier that you have no interest in dating Montgomery and that, as always, is your choice. But don’t blame him or us for transgressions we haven’t committed.
You implied that your father and I are a bitter disappointment to you. I wish you’d look at the situation from our point of view. Remember you are our only child. We invested all the love we had in you, nurtured you, supported and educated you—and all we’ve received back for years now has been your contempt.
I find it painful to speak of such matters. All I ask is that you not write such cruel, hateful things to your father again. His heart can’t take much more of your venom.
Mom
***
May Protest Rally
Against the War in Vietnam
Sunday, May 17, 1970
12-3:00 p.m.
Student Union Building
***
May 15, 1970
Jillian,
If you want to see an end to the war, join me in making our voices heard. The killing must stop at home and in Vietnam. If you believe this, as I do, join the march on Sunday. You must be willing to risk the chance of arrest.
Following the incident at Kent State, we are placing our lives on the line in support of our belief.
Too many have already died. Don’t let the Kent State student deaths be in vain. Join me in taking a stand against the establishment.
Thom Eliason
ASB President
***
May 23, 1970
Dearest Jillian,
Arrested—you! I could hardly believe my eyes when I read your letter. What a ghastly experience that must have been. Of course I won’t say anything to your parents, or anyone else.
Something good has come out of it, though. I applaud your decision to apply to law school. I imagine your parents were elated with the news. That has been their dream for you from the beginning. You would’ve made a good teacher, but you’ll be a brilliant attorney.
Thank goodness you’re familiar with the law, otherwise who knows how long you and the other students would’ve been detained.
Both Dad and Buck are back working at the mill. I’m grateful. It’s hard enough to get anything done around the trailer with four kids constantly underfoot. My own, plus the two daycare children I’ve been looking after. With Buck home, it’s impossible to accomplish anything. Although, to be fair, he wasn’t actually around all that much. He was off doing his “guy things,” as he calls them.
I recently met a few of Buck’s friends and made sure he understood that he’s not to bring any of them to our home again. He plays poker a couple of nights a week with his buddies, but I don’t mind. I get out myself, thanks to Lily who loves to watch the kids. Mom and I are taking decoupage classes and I’ve made several things for the living room. It’s an inexpensive way to decorate. I knit a baby blanket for Susan, too. I have several left from Davey and Lindy and don’t need any new ones myself.
This pregnancy is less troublesome than the first two. I’m much bigger this time. I asked the doctor about twins and he measured my tummy, did a few calculations and said there’s a real possibility this could be a multiple birth. I was joking when I suggested it! There’s no way to tell until July, when I’m seven months along and it’s safe for me to have an x-ray. Until that point, I refuse to worry about it. Naturally Buck is ecstatic, as if twins would prove his virility. Men! Sometimes I think their brains are located below their belts.
I want to get this in the mailbox before the postman arrives, so I’ll end for now. Thanks for your letter. I’m proud of you, Jillian! You stood up for what you believe in—enough to risk arrest.
If I wasn’t so busy taking care of my family and doing daycare on the side, I’d march in a protest rally myself. This war has robbed our country of so much already. I’m grateful Mike didn’t have to go to Vietnam, but then I think of all the young men who have, including Buck and Nick. It isn’t right that we’re fighting someone else’s war.
I’ve got to scoot; Lindy’s up from her nap and needs lots of attention. Lesley
***
The Class of
Nineteen Hundred and Seventy
Barnard College
announces its
Commencement Exercises
Sunday afternoon at three p.m.
June seventh
Nineteen Hundred and Seventy
At Altshul Court, facing Barnard Hall
By invitation only
***
June 25, 1970
Dear Jillian,
Dad’s been after me to write you a thank-you note for the high school graduation present. I should’ve done it a long time ago, but I’ve been real busy. It was groovy of you to send me the money, as well as Nick’s certificate from helicopter school. You’re right. I do want it. I got the unspoken message, too. Nick achieved something after graduation and so can I.
You’ll be glad to know I’ve got a real job with potential. (I’m defining a real job as one that isn’t at my own dad’s service station.) Care to guess what I’m doing? I’m building houses. I’m good with my hands and always did enjoy seeing stuff come together.
It’s funny how it happened. I was pumping gas for a guy who turned out to be a building contractor and he started asking me questions and said he had his eye out for someone he could train to be a carpenter. He said he was looking for someone with a strong work ethic and a willingness to learn. I told him I’d be interested and he told me to come down to the job site the next day and fill out an application.
I was there bright and early, before any of the other workers arrived. Sure enough, Brian shows up. He said he liked my enthusiasm and gave me a job on the spot. Here’s the best part. Brian is a union contractor, which means I’m making union wages. He personally took me down to the union hall and signed me up. There’s a fee but he paid that, too, only it’s a loan that’ll be deducted from my wages.
You’ll never guess who I saw talking to Brian a few days ago. Your dad! Apparently they’re friends. I think your dad might’ve put in a good word for me because I saw Brian nod and look in my direction. Your father’s all right. I know he and Nick didn’t see eye to eye, but then us Murphy boys sometimes rub people the wrong way. I bet that if Nick was alive, he and your dad would be okay with each other.
Sorry it’s taken me so long to send you this thank-you. Dad’s doing better, I think. He still goes out to the cemetery a lot, but he’s eating more. Be sure and stop by the house the next time you’re in town.
See ya,
Jim Murphy
P.S. Since I’m a high school graduate and a union carpenter, I decided it was time to be Jim instead of Jimmy.
***
Pine Ridge Library Request Form
Name: Lesley Knowles Books Requested:
- Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask
by Dr. David Reuben - Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee
by Dee Brown
JILLIAN LAWTON
BARNARD COLLEGE
PLIMPTON HALL
NEW YORK, NY 10025
July 12, 1970
Dear Lesley, It was great to chat with you this afternoon. We don’t talk nearly often enough. Now that I have a summer job that pays real money, I can afford to call you once in a while. Actually, I didn’t think I was going to enjoy working in a law library, but I do. My first apartment is so dinky I barely have room to turn around, but that’s New York.
Okay, what’s up? I haven’t been your best friend all these years without knowing when you’re upset about something. You might be able to hide it from everyone else, but not me. I know you far too well. It was in your voice when we spoke this afternoon. I could always detect when there’s a problem, so ’fess up.
Are you worried about the baby/babies? Buck’s job? The kids? I’ve spilled my guts to you often enough that you shouldn’t have any trouble unburdening yourself to me.
I’ll look for a letter soon.
Love,
Jillian
P.S. I guess it’s time I changed my stationery, isn’t it? I’m no longer a student at Barnard College and I’m no longer living in residence. Watch out, Harvard! Here I come.
***
July 24, 1970
Dear Jillian,
You do know me, don’t you? Sometimes I forget how well. When you phoned Sunday afternoon I’d just finished dealing with an unexpected visitor. He’d come to the door and knocked and seemed surprised when I answered. I was holding Lindy in my arms and had Davey clinging to my side. He took one look at my belly and didn’t seem to know what to say. Then he asked if this was where Buck Knowles lived and I told him it was. He asked to talk to Buck, but Buck was out fishing with his buddies. The man introduced himself as Sam Gavin and said he’d come to deliver a message to Buck. I told him I’d make sure Buck received it. That was when Sam said I should tell my husband to stay away from his wife. If he caught Buck anywhere near her again, he’d rearrange his face.
Jillian, I was stunned speechless. Buck is seeing another woman? Naturally I’d find this out when I’m big and pregnant and feeling incredibly ugly. I felt as if the floor had opened up.
Now you can understand why I didn’t sound like my normal self. Buck didn’t get home until late. He’d caught his limit of fish but none of his buddies had even a nibble, so he gave them his catch. (Sometimes I wish he wasn’t so generous.) When I told him Sam Gavin stopped by, Buck didn’t give any indication that he knew who the man was. When I relayed Sam’s message—word for word— Buck looked dumbfounded. He told me that he had no idea what the hell Sam was talking about.
I know what you’re going to ask me. It’s a question I’ve asked myself a hundred times. Was Buck telling the truth? I don’t know. I just don’t know. He vows he isn’t seeing anyone else. With two kids, another on the way and no means of supporting myself, I can’t afford not to believe him.
Since that night he’s been wonderful with the kids. He picked up some spare wood at the mill and built Davey a clubhouse. It’s really cute and Davey is thrilled. He hammers the nails for hours and is so proud of himself. For the last week Buck’s been home every night and even helped with the dinner dishes once. Lindy is a real daddy’s girl and he can charm her out of a temper tantrum without trying. All I can say is, if he was actually seeing this woman, he isn’t any longer. Don’t tell me I’m turning my head and blindly looking the other way. I’m not. Buck is my husband and the father of my children and I believe him. I have to.
On a brighter note, I was finally able to have the x-ray and all the doctor saw was one big baby. I’m sure it must be a boy, although I think Buck would almost prefer another girl.
Don’t work too hard this summer and promise me you’ll stay in touch. I’ll be sure and let you know when the baby’s born.
Love,
Lesley
***
H ANNOUNCEMENT
It’s a bouncing baby boy
Douglas Steven Knowles
Born on
August 1, 1970
8 lbs, 14oz.
21” long
The happy parents are:
Buck and Lesley Knowles
***
600 Main Street
Suite 302
Pine Ridge, Washington 98005
Dear Jillian,
I’m writing you at the risk of offending both your parents. As you may or may not know, your father has experienced a number of health problems in recent years. This past month he’s undergone several medical tests. As a result of the doctor’s findings, it’s been decided that your father needs heart bypass surgery. Your mother wanted you to know, but your father insisted you not be told.
Since I’m a close family friend, I’ve taken it upon myself to inform you of this. Apparently your father’s condition makes it necessary for the surgery to be scheduled almost immediately. He goes into Seattle General Hospital on the afternoon of Tuesday, September 8th, with surgery scheduled first thing the following morning. At this time, Seattle General is the only hospital in the Puget Sound area that performs these surgeries.
Your mother would never go against your father’s wishes. I, on the other hand, feel you have a right to know.
I realize you and your father have had your differences over the last few years, but I didn’t think you’d allow a disagreement to stand between you at this crucial time in your father’s life.
Forgive me if I’ve spoken out of turn.
Sincerely,
Montgomery Gordon
***
Classified ad in
Pine Ridge Newspaper
Hunting Rifle, barely used
$150 or best offer
Contact John Smithson
777-7078
***
Posted at Laundromat
Sewing machine— $75.00
***
$130.00
Signed: Buck Knowles
***
Rainier Bank
1321 Main Street
Pine Ridge, Washington 98005
Dear Mrs. Knowles,
Thank you for your letter, concerning the recent withdrawal from your savings account. According to our records, the $130.00 in question was withdrawn at the request of Buck Knowles. As you have a joint checking account with your husband that is linked to your savings account, he is granted automatic access to your account.
I apologize if this misunderstanding has caused you any inconvenience.
Sincerely,
Peter Johnson
Customer Service Manager
197
3
Jillian’s Diary
January 1, 1973
Dearest Nick,
I woke up early this afternoon after a late New Year’s Eve party at a friend’s house. As I lay in bed, my thoughts were on the new year, but my heart drifted back to you. I guess I’ve been feeling guilty because of Thom and me. I’ve been seeing quite a bit of Thom Eliason. We met a few years ago at a protest rally and we’re both attending Harvard Law School. You and Lesley always said I’d make a great attorney and I’m beginning to realize how right you were.
I love the law and am working hard to grasp its principles. I long to make the laws of our land more equitable for women. It’ll happen in time. The changes of the last few years would shock you, but I don’t think you’d be upset, the way some men are. (It won’t surprise you to learn that my father is one of them!) Honest to God, I don’t know what men are so afraid of.
I don’t want to get sidetracked on the issue of women’s rights. My feeling is that the Equal Rights Amendment will eventually pass. Too many women have put their hearts behind this constitutional amendment for it to fail now. As you can see, I’ve become more politically minded than ever. Law school has had that effect on me.
About Thom. I figured I should tell you I’ve been sleeping with him. It’s nothing like what we shared. It happened the first time after a few joints, when my inhibitions were lowered. It’s continued because...well, because it feels good to have someone hold me. Thom seems to understand that this is a physical thing and my emotions aren’t involved. We don’t talk about it.
Marriage isn’t a subject I even consider, although according to Lesley, who keeps track of this sort of thing, nearly ninety percent of the girls in our high school class are now married. Lesley’s worried that unless I find a husband soon, I’ll end up an old maid. As a mother of three, she has difficulty accepting the fact that I have no interest in marriage or a family. Good grief, I’m only twenty-five! I’ve repeatedly told her I never intend to marry, but (like my parents) she doesn’t believe me. It isn’t an issue with us, but I do find her attitude amusing.
I have big expectations for this new year. I only wish you were here to share them with me. I think of you, and talk to you so often in my head that sometimes I can almost believe you’re still alive. Sometimes I indulge in the luxury of pretending that you came home to me and that we’re married and we’ve had a baby or two. I think about you and Brad Lincoln starting up your own business, the way you so often mentioned. But sooner or later, reality hits. You never came home and the happy life we planned is nothing more than the lingering memories of a dream that died with you.
Please don’t mind about Thom and me. You’re the only man I’ve ever truly loved. The only man I ever will. I’m not the girl I was back when you knew me. I’m a woman now, and I’d like to believe you’d approve of the changes.
Remember how much I love you.
Jillian
***
February 14, 1973
Dearest Jillian,
Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you like the big red heart Davey made you. He’s so proud of it. His was the best-looking one in his entire first-grade class. (But then, you could say I’m prejudiced.) Lindy made you a valentine, too. She’s thrilled that she can print her own name now. I haven’t the heart to tell her that Ydnil isn’t quite right. (Her kindergarten teacher told me not to worry— left-handed children often do this.) It’s amazing to think that my children are attending the same parochial school you and I did. St. Catherine’s is letting me work part-time in the cafeteria to help pay for Davey and Lindy’s tuition. The timing is perfect for me. It’s during Dougie’s naptime and Mom puts him down at her house and he barely knows I’m gone.
Buck is back at work now and I’m relieved. Not knowing where the money’s going to come from for the next trailer payment was such a worry. The food stamps helped with the groceries, but accepting charity, even from the government, mortifies me. I could barely show my face in the Albertson’s Store. It bothered me to the point that Buck volunteered to do the shopping. Okay, he didn’t exactly volunteer, it was a trade-off. Buck invited his cousin Moose Garrison from Montana to live with us until he found a job. This guy eats like a moose, too, and it didn’t take much to envision him chomping his way through my weekly grocery allotment.
You’ll love this. At dinner the first night Moose showed up, Lindy sat down at the table, looked him square in the eye and said, “My mom says you’re gonna eat us out of house and home.” I could have died!
Moose ended up staying two weeks and expected me to wait on him hand and foot. I put up with him, but in exchange Buck started doing the grocery shopping. He didn’t like it, but I told him the job was his until he returned to work. Three weeks later, the mill called. I’ve never seen Buck this eager to get back on the job.
Did you see the television news the other night about the released American POWs landing at Clark Air Force Base in the Philippines? I sat there and wept for joy. Thank God this horrible war is almost over. It’s hard to believe anyone could survive such a horrendous ordeal as a prison camp.
These men say a great deal about the strength of the human spirit, don’t they?
Jillian, something you said when we talked at Christmas has stayed on my mind. You told me you’d stopped attending Mass because of the Catholic Church’s stand on birth control and other issues regarding women. I’ve thought a lot about our discussion and I don’t agree, especially with what you said about birth control. Do you sincerely believe the Church would attempt to subjugate women by burdening them with more children than they can handle? As you know, Buck and I have struggled with this very issue. We’ve practiced the rhythm method all these years—with limited success.
Right before Dougie was born, Dr. Boone suggested I have a tubal ligation. I refused. As a practicing Catholic I just couldn’t. I’m as careful as I can be, but I feel God knows how many children Buck and I should have. It’s more than the Church’s stand; it’s a matter of faith, too.
Your not attending Mass wouldn’t bother me as much if you’d decided to join another church, but you haven’t. (Sister Martin de Porres would swallow her tongue if she heard me suggest anyone step inside a Protestant church!) From the way you were talking, it’s almost as if you believe God is against women. I refuse to even consider such a thing. I need God in my life and I need my faith. I couldn’t manage to survive a single day without getting down on my knees and saying the rosary. All I’m asking is that you not be too quick to abandon your faith.
I know you think I’m hopelessly naïve and perhaps I am, but I
choose
to believe. The alternative would destroy the very foundation of my life.
Keep in touch. You have no idea how much I enjoy your letters.
Lots of love,
Lesley and all
***
JILLIAN LAWTON
330 FAIRCHILD AVE. APARTMENT 3B BOSTON, MASS. 02138
February 17, 1973
Dear Thom,
I don’t know where to start other than to say how sorry I am. The engagement ring you bought me for Valentine’s Day was lovely. But I don’t think I’ve ever been more surprised.
Actually, it came as a complete shock, since we’d never discussed marriage. I suppose I should’ve realized that all the talk about our moving in together was your way of leading up to the marriage proposal. Thank you for your patience and for giving me time to think this over.
Please don’t be angry with me, but I’m simply not interested in marriage. I don’t want to marry anyone. I’ve got another year and a half of school before I take the bar exam. (We both do!) Also, I don’t know if I mentioned that my father’s health hasn’t been good, which is the reason I’ve made frequent trips to the west coast. Once I do pass the bar, I’m contemplating a move back to Washington State, to work at my father’s firm.
I’m not the right wife for you. I’ve enjoyed your friendship, especially in the last six months, but I can’t accept your proposal. Please try to understand.
Jillian
***
February 24, 1973
Dear Jillian,
Your letter told me how difficult you found my marriage proposal. The fact that you chose to write me instead of talking this out, face to face, tells me you’re upset. I don’t want you to be. I certainly didn’t intend (or expect) my proposal to send you fleeing in the opposite direction!
What did you think, Jillian? Are you afraid my ego’s too fragile to handle rejection? I’d hoped that you, of all people, would know me better. But don’t worry, I’m cool with this. If you just want to live together for a while, that suits me fine. Call me and we can talk.
Thom
***
Mrs. Leonard Lawton
2330 Country Club Lane
Pine Ridge, Washington 98005
March 1, 1973
Dear Mr. Brad Lincoln,
Your letter addressed to Jillian arrived at the family home this past week. Please forgive me for reading something that wasn’t addressed to me. You see, I recognized your name. Jillian told me about you shortly after Nick died.
She’s had a very hard time dealing with the loss of her high-school sweetheart and is only now starting to adjust and date again. I was afraid your letter would distress her. As her mother, I was trying to prevent that. I hope you’ll forgive me for intruding in this manner.
After careful consideration, I have decided against forwarding your letter to my daughter. I’m afraid that your contacting Jillian now would do her more harm than good. I understand your guilt over Nick’s death, but I don’t believe Jillian is the one who can absolve it. For whatever reason, God chose to let you live. Who is either one of us to question His will? Who are we to know His reasons?
Nick’s death nearly destroyed our daughter. It’s taken her five years to deal with her loss. Currently she’s dating another law student, and her father and I are encouraged by the relationship.
As her mother, I beg you to leave her alone. Please don’t attempt to contact her again. I will pray for you, and I hope this mental anguish will abate in time.
Try to understand why I’m doing this.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Leonard Lawton
***
March 4, 1973
Dear Jillian,
So we’re back to letter-writing. I’m disappointed, but if this is the way you want it, then this is the way it’ll be.
I thought you loved me, but I’m not sure any more. Perhaps you care for me, but not in the same way as you loved the boy from your hometown who died in Vietnam. You didn’t think I knew about him, did you? I never mentioned it, but you talk to him in your sleep. It took me a while to put two and two together. I loved you enough to hope that eventually you’d be willing to let go of the past and live in the here and now. Apparently I’ve been wasting my time.
I’m sorry, Jillian, for believing you’d want to marry me. Obviously I was wrong. Perhaps some day you’ll have a clearer picture of what you really want in life.
I agree. It would be best for all concerned if we no longer saw each other.
Thom
***
March 10, 1973
Dear Buck,
Seeing that you won’t phone me and have dropped out of the bowling league, you give me no choice but to write you a letter. The last time you stopped off at the house, I told you I was late. You acted like it didn’t worry you and said that you were crazy about me. I was stupid enough to believe you. I’m still late and the virus I picked up appears to be the nine-month variety. I’m pregnant, Buck, going on two months, and I want to know what you intend to do about it.
Moose finally broke down and told me you’re married. That’s just hunky-dory! You might’ve mentioned it. Later I learned I’m not the only woman you’ve fooled around with behind your wife’s back. Denise Gavin told me all about your fling with her, only she was married herself. Well, I’m not married and I didn’t know you were. If I’d known, you can bet we’d never have ended up in bed together, but it doesn’t matter now. Right? You got what you wanted, and then some. Congratulate yourself because you fooled me into believing you actually cared.
I went to a clinic and found out an abortion will cost $150. Either I receive the full amount by next Monday or I’m going directly to your wife. I wonder if she realizes her husband sleeps around? First Denise and now me, and God knows how many others. Maybe it’s time someone told your wife exactly what kind of man you are.
Terri
***
April 11, 1973
Lesley,
Let’s make one thing clear right now. There’s no way in hell I’m moving out of this trailer. It was thanks to my sweat and blood that we made each and every one of those payments. If you’re so keen on filing for divorce, go ahead, but I’m keeping what’s mine, including the trailer. You can have the kids and what you need for them, but everything else is my property. Blame me if you want for what happened with Terri, but a man needs a real woman in his bed, not one who’s constantly worried about getting pregnant.
If you insist on leaving, I say fine. Just go.
Like you said, there’s no reason for us to talk again. That’s fine by me, too. Have your attorney contact me. One question—how are you going to afford an attorney? I can tell you right now, I’m not paying for it.
Buck
***
April 14, 1973
Dearest Jillian,
The siege at Wounded Knee is finally over, and the news is filled with talk of the break-in at Watergate and President Nixon’s involvement. I wish I could tell you that my own life has settled down, but it’s gone from bad to worse. For once, the house is quiet. The kids are all sleeping and the television is off. I’m not writing this from home, though. The kids and I are doubled up with my brother, Mike, who recently moved back from California. He’s letting us stay with him until things get straightened out between Buck and me. There are five of us in a one-bedroom apartment, so you can imagine what it’s been like for the last few days.