Better Than Chance (26 page)

“You matter to me, Jay. You have to know that.”

“I do know that. But what am I? Who am I to you? Am I your friend? Is that all I’ll ever be? Will I be a version of Jack someday? Will you run into me with some new young lover one day and say, ‘That’s a guy I used to care about.’ Or will you admit to yourself that maybe ‘that’s the guy I couldn’t commit to’?”

I knew by the look in his eye that I’d struck a nerve. He seemed equal parts embarrassed and angry.

“You don’t know anything about—”

“No, I don’t. Because you won’t tell me. You tell me pieces and leave me to figure the rest out. And… I’m terrible at it. I speak a simple language, Peter. I don’t understand what I can’t see plainly, so I need words.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. What do you want me to say? What words do you want from me?”

“Peter….” I tried to choose my words carefully, but I was upset and frustrated. “Look, I’ve been accused of not being able to see what’s right in front of me sometimes. I accept that may be true at times, and I’ve tried not to read too much into situations, knowing that I’m often incorrect. But I can’t do that with you… not anymore.”

“So you’re saying I’m unclear. Is that it?” He took a deep breath and even smiled a little as though pleased that he finally understood me.

“You’ve clearly told me we’re friends. I’m clearly telling you I want more.”

A cloak of silence covered the room. I could hear the wail of a siren somewhere outside in the distance. It was somehow fitting, I mused.

“Okay. We can try that.”

“What?”

Peter licked his lips nervously and paced around me.

“We can try to be more. To each other.”

“No.”

“You just said….”

“No. You don’t understand. I’m not giving you an ultimatum. I’m setting you free.”

Peter’s expression was incredulous and confused.

“Jay… wh…? You told me you….”

“I do. I wish we could be something amazing together, but you’re stuck somewhere in the past with complications you can’t seem to shake.” I swallowed, suddenly afraid I might cry. “I want you, Peter. But I need something less complicated. Someone who’s sure he loves me… not just willing to give it a try.”

Silence.

Only the noise of that faraway siren penetrated my four walls. Peter looked terribly uncomfortable. He didn’t know how to answer, and he didn’t like it. Instantly deflated, I plopped back down on the sofa.

“I’m not sure what to say.”

He didn’t move a muscle, but waves of tension rolled off of him as he struggled for control, for a solution, or a graceful exit strategy. I didn’t know where his head was but it was easy to see that he was upset. I stared at him helplessly. I wanted to offer consolation or maybe just change my mind entirely and try. Try what, though?

“Good-bye.”

“I don’t want to say good-bye.” Peter clenched his jaw anxiously. “Jay… I’m not ready to say good-bye.”

“Please, Peter. Just go.”

He stared at me for a long moment before he sighed deeply and walked back to the door. I didn’t watch him leave. I couldn’t. But the sound of the door opening and closing softly felt like a physical blow. I bit the inside of my lip in an effort to keep myself from falling apart. It didn’t work.

P
ETER
CALLED
me every day in the days that followed. It was as though he purposefully ignored our last conversation. I never picked up the phone, but he always left a message.

“Hi. I was thinking about you. I’m out of town but… call me. Please, Jay. Let’s just talk.”

“Jay, it’s me. I’m back home, and I thought I’d see if you felt like grabbing something to eat. Or we could talk. Call me.”

There were countless messages asking me to call him. His voice was low and sounded… different, off. I told myself not to listen, that I was torturing myself needlessly, but I couldn’t help it. I even picked up the phone once but quickly hung up. I ended up with a migraine headache that night. I was a mess. My friends had been worried about me before I’d broken things off with Peter, but now they were seriously alarmed.

Once I started my new job, I thought I might be turning a corner. I hoped the cooler temperatures and changing colors of the autumn leaves might signify a new start for me too. Unfortunately, I got what I wanted at my new firm… a lower-stress environment with a lighter workload, which in my current state, equated to too much time to think. Two weeks after I was hired I was assigned my first project. I threw myself into it, and no doubt came across as a total kiss-ass overachiever to my coworkers. One of the legal counsels was an African American woman named Monique, who gave me one of those head-to-toe once-overs that spoke volumes.

“So it’s gonna be like that, hmm? I’m not staying here all damn night and day because the new boy’s got something to prove.” She used a head bob to emphasize her point.

I laughed and promised to tone it down, but I didn’t want to go home either.

“H
EY
,
CUTIE
.
There’s a pretty lady here to see you. It may be about your project, but I don’t know.” My new secretary, Charlene, was nothing like Rebecca and would never in a million years have been hired at Jackson and Burnell, but her gum-popping busybody attitude was a refreshing change in a way. “She’s in the small conference room, sugar.”

Charlene winked at me and spun on her six-inch heels in a surprisingly graceful move. I had a feeling she had a crush on me, and I hated that at some point I was going to have to do the “office coming out” thing. I sighed and pushed away from my desk to go meet my visitor.

The small conference room was aptly named. It was in fact tiny. I opened the door slowly, knowing that I could be in serious danger of hitting whomever was sitting at the little table on the other side if I wasn’t careful. The red sole of a woman’s high-heeled Louboutin shoe made my heart skip a beat. It could have been the shoe itself because I was a sucker for well-made accessories, but I had a feeling this was a personal caller and not one of my new clients doing a quick stopover from the Department of Energy.

I was correct. It was personal. It was Kelly.

“Hey.” She stood in the cramped quarters and gave me a wan smile.

“Hi. Um….” I really had no idea what to say, which wasn’t like me at all. I could usually bullshit my way out of and around most situations. My ex-friend with benefits’ best friend stopping by my office unexpectedly was a new one, though.

“I would have called, but I didn’t know if you’d see me, and I….”

“Of course I….” I cleared my throat and took the office chair next to hers. “How can I… help, I guess? I’m assuming this has to do with Peter.”

Damn. It hurt to say his name out loud. I heard my voice catch and hoped Kelly was none the wiser.

“Yes. Look…. He doesn’t know I’m here. No one does. And truly, you may have a completely different perspective, so I’m taking a chance that maybe you feel the same way he does….” Her voice drifted as she made eye contact. She was a beautiful woman, but I could see the anguish in her lovely features. Her mouth was drawn, and her luminous eyes had dark circles under them.

“What way is that?”

“He’s in love with you, Jay.”

My breath caught audibly. I swallowed hard in an effort to keep my composure or at least some facsimile of calm. Kelly’s smile reached her eyes this time.

“He is. The problem with him is… well, honestly, he has a few….” We both chuckled nervously, enjoying a moment of like-minded thought. “Peter’s….”

“Complicated?”

“Yes. But has he… did he share any of his family stories with you? I’m….” She looked terribly uncomfortable suddenly.

“Kelly, why are you here? Is it really to tell me Peter had it rough as a kid and I should reconsider reprising my role of friend with benefits and give the guy a break?”

“No. I’m here because my best friend needs me. He doesn’t know in this instance perhaps that he needs me… but that’s neither here nor there.” She sighed and bit her lips thoughtfully before continuing. “Jay, he told me you broke things off with him, and he even shared that you wanted a real relationship. I understand that whatever happened between you is your business, I’m not trying to assert myself, but I want you to have a little backstory because I know he won’t give it on his own. Or if he does, he won’t explain why it matters. If it makes a difference… great. If not, then at least you know.” She shrugged.

I looked away from her, not sure how I felt about her telling me anything about Peter. If I was to move on, I had to shed these feelings… not mull over whys and what ifs. It wasn’t healthy. Unfortunately, my mother raised a gentleman, so I turned back to face Kelly and gave her a weak grin.

“We met in junior high….”

Oh for fuck’s sake! I couldn’t go through his whole damn life story again. I just couldn’t take that kind of punishment. I held up a hand to stop her.

“Kelly, no offense, but please… tell me what you really think I need to know. He told me about meeting you as a teenager.”

“His mom wanted us to get married. Did he tell you that? Knowing Peter, I bet he told you she had a problem with him being gay when he eventually came out, which believe me… she did. She went off the deep end. But did he mention that she told her whole family back in Italy that he and I were engaged? That’s how confident she was in our eventual nuptials. She was so sure and frankly, so damn Catholic, that she only saw what she wanted to see. We were close friends, yes, but we were never….”

“He told me.”

“Good. I mean, even before he came out and he had girlfriends, I wasn’t one of them. Maybe that’s why we’re still friends. His mom thought every girl was a placeholder until he proposed to me. So when he came out, she went nuts. At first, she was sure he was suffering from exhaustion or was sick. It wasn’t until she saw him with Jack that she began to realize her baby boy was serious. The problem once she understood that he was telling the truth was that, well… he was no longer perfect. And trust me when I tell you, Francesca thought Peter hung the moon. She doted on him and was extremely proud of his accomplishments. He was a good student. A Division I athlete.” She paused for a moment. “She turned him away when he came out. She told the same boy she’d told his entire life how wonderful, handsome, intelligent, and fabulous he was… how evil, disgusting, and unworthy he was.”

She took a bottle of water from her large, expensive handbag. I wanted to apologize for not offering her one, but I didn’t want to divert her attention.

“He had a crush on Jack.” I was confused by her switch from Peter’s mom to his former lover. “When they first got together, Peter had just come out; Jack was a lifeline for him in a way. He is my brother and I adore him, but Jack and Peter… they were just wrong for each other.”

“I thought they were together for five years. They couldn’t have been that wrong.”

“No. But they were always friends first and….” She didn’t have to say a word. They were friends with benefits. “The reason I think Peter got together with Jack was to get back at his mom. If you think about it, it was the perfect ‘fuck you.’”

“Because she wouldn’t accept that he wouldn’t be with you, he went for your brother?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s….”

“I know it sounds weird, but he was young and Jack hadn’t really given him the time of day when we were in high school. But damn, when Peter came out at twenty-two… he was insanely handsome. Jack didn’t resist any overtures then. They were okay together for a while. They were friends and Jack helped him become a little more comfortable with himself as a gay man, you know?”

“Sure. That makes sense. What does any of this have to do with now, though? I’m not trying to be rude, but….”

“You aren’t. Jack and Peter were never going to be a long-term thing. That isn’t really news to anyone who knows them both. But it wasn’t because Peter wasn’t capable of loving or committing or whatever else he’s tried to tell himself. It was because they weren’t compatible. On top of it, I don’t know if you were raised in a religious household or not….”

“No, lapsed Protestants.”

“Well, Peter may not be a practicing Catholic now, but he wars with the church’s doctrines. He wars with good and evil. Don’t get me wrong… he doesn’t buy into oppressive bullshit when it comes to other gay people. He bought that damn club to—” She stopped suddenly as though she’d said too much.

“Why did he buy the club, Kelly? He always just said it was a good investment.”

“Yes, it was or has been. He wanted a safe place for gay people to meet, party, or whatever. He started making more money than he could spend, and it was something for us all to do together. And again… it was another….”

“Fuck you to his mom?”

“Exactly. We’re about to sell it. He’s worried about the market taking a turn, and he’s… well, he’s less angry now than he used to be. He’s on better terms with his parents. He loves his work too. There is one thing missing, though.”

“Kel….”

“He’s afraid, Jay. He might not ever admit it, but he is. You’re the first. I’ve known him forever, and I’ve never seen him laugh like he does when he’s with you. I’ve never seen him so happy. I… don’t want him to let you get away.”

Her eyes were wet with tears. I wanted to reassure her that it would all be okay, but my heart was in my throat. There was a very big problem here, and she didn’t seem to see it clearly.

“Kelly. I told Peter how I felt about him. I know he has feelings for me, but… he isn’t ready for anything more, and I’m not going to push him. It would be wrong and eventually he’d resent me. Thank you for coming by.”

I stood up. I knew I was being rude and abrupt but there was no reason to keep talking about something neither of us could do anything about. Peter was complicated. True. But I couldn’t wait around for him to change if he wasn’t ready.

Kelly nodded and stood also. She leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you for seeing me.”

I watched her walk out of the room and down the short hallway before I closed the door and willed my hands to stop shaking and my heartbeat to slow. What was it about Peter Morgan that had turned my world upside down? So much had changed in less than a year. From the moment I was assigned to work under him, I’d been through an emotional wringer. Infatuation, hate, grudging admiration, and lust had led me to love and finally, heartbreak. Nothing was the same for me. I didn’t even work in the same place any longer.