Betrayed (2 page)
Authors: Francine Pascal
“MAMA?” TATIANA SQUEAKED, PRAC
tically devouring the phone with excitement. But a moment later her grin diminished. She blew out a stream of heartbroken air and collapsed into a chair at the dining table. But the ghost of a smile did remain on her face. Whoever it was, Tatiana didn't seem altogether disappointed. In fact, whoever it was seemed to possess the one power that Gaia quite surely did not. The power to console Tatiana. The power to make her smile, even if only slightly.
“Ed,” she sighed, curling up with the phone like it was keeping her warm.
Gaia cringed and turned away. She turned away for a whole slew of reasons. For one thing, watching Tatiana coo like a lovesick bird at the sound of Ed's voice was both confusing and sickening. Tatiana had made it clear that she and Ed were simply not going to happen. It was officially a non issue. But Gaia felt deeply uncomfortable nonetheless. No, not just uncomfortable. Sick. Sick from not being with Ed every waking moment, as the deepest and most real part of her had wanted to so badly for days. Sick from having to be so cold to him in order to protect him from Loki. Sick at the thought of him making anyone but her smile.
And then it got even more confusing. She felt sick because no matter how badly she wanted Ed, she shouldn't have been as kind as she'd been to him these last couple of days. It could only put him in more danger. Especially considering how increasingly deranged Loki was becoming by the hour. But how could she have helped it? He was
walking,
for God's sake. How could she not celebrate that with him?
“Ed, I am
so glad
to hear your voice,” Tatiana said. “You have no idea how much I needed someone toâ¦
what?
”
Gaia turned back when she heard the sudden shift in Tatiana's voice. The smile had dropped completely from Tatiana's face now, and her eyes drifted to meet Gaia's. Gaia could see another tear beginning to form in her eye as she slowly let the phone dangle from her hands and then fall to the table.
“What?” Gaia asked, narrowing her eyes as she rode a fine line between concern and confusion. “What's wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong,” Tatiana murmured, looking even more depressed than she had before. “He wants to talk to you.”
“What?”
“You heard me,” Tatiana said, dragging herself back to the couch and curling up as far from Gaia as possible. Boy, did she have the guilt trip mastered. “He says he needs to talk to
you.
”
“Wellâ¦I can't,” Gaia said, darting her eyes over to the receiver on the table, wanting so badly to grab it and hear his voice for just a few seconds. But that was the absolute opposite of what she needed to do. She needed to double her coldness and avoidance to make up for the day's mistakes. She needed to cast him way, way out again, back into the world of safety. “Tell him I can't.”
“He says he
has
to talk to you,” Tatiana mumbled. “
Now.
Emergency, he says.”
Gaia stared at the phone a few seconds more and then ran to grab it. She'd have to set him straight now. She'd have to send him an ice-cold message to leave her the hell alone. And maybeâ¦listen to his voice for a few seconds.
“Ed, listen to me,” she barked. “I made a big mistake byâ”
“Gaia, listen,” Ed interrupted with an oddly grave tone to his voice. “I'm at the hospital. St. Vincent's. It's Heather, Gaia. Something's happened to Heather, andâ”
“What?” Gaia cut him off. “What do you mean? What happened? Did someoneâ”
“She wants to talk to you, Gaia,” Ed interrupted again, sounding so disturbingly serious. “She wants you here
now.
Just you and me, she says. Can you get here immediately? You've got to get here now.”
Gaia was at a complete loss for words. Except for the one word that had suddenly begun to sting her brain.
Josh.
Josh had hurt Heather somehow. That's what it had to be. Just like Gaia
knew
he would. And Gaia had done nothing to stop it. Sure, she'd tried to talk some sense into Heather, to warn her, but Heather seemed to have given in completely to some kind of chemical imbalance. She'd succumbed to these weird fits of violence and paranoia and all kinds of bizarre delusions of grandeur. But Gaia should have cut through it somehow. She could have cut through it. She was strong enough.
Déjà vu had never felt so sickening. Gaia had been through all this before with Heather. There had been another chance to warn Heather all those months agoâto
save
her, and she'd completely screwed that one up, too. She'd let her own pride get in the way, and it had ended up getting Heather slashed in the middle of Washington Square Park. And now here they were again. Heather was back in the hospital, and
somehow,
one way or anotherâ¦Gaia knew it was her fault
.
Again.
She managed to control the overwhelming wave of guilt washing over her long enough to answer Ed's question. If Heather wanted Gaia there, then Gaia would be there. She absolutely deserved every bit of punishment that Heather wanted to dole out, which was surely why Heather wanted so badly to see her.
“I'm coming,” Gaia said, a cold chill running down her back. “I'm leaving now.”
“Okay,” Ed said. “I'll tell her.”
The phone went dead before Gaia could say another word. Oh God. Ed must hate her even more than Heather did. He and Heather must be sitting in that hospital room cursing the day Gaia Moore set foot in that school. And they'd have every right. The Curse of Gaia Moore had spread like a deadly virus to the far reaches of Gaia's world. She was responsible for all of it. So many people's pain. Now she was just praying that Heather would be okayâthat she could survive the curse.
“I have to go,” Gaia said, rushing for the door.
Tatiana flashed her a pained glance.
“It has
nothing
to do with me and Ed,” Gaia assured her. “I swear.” Gaia wanted to bring Tatiana with her, but Ed had made it abundantly clear that Heather only wanted to see Gaia, and Gaia wanted to be damn sure to respect Heather's wishes.
Too little, too late,
she chided herself as she opened the door. Still, something felt very wrong about leaving Tatiana alone in the house.
“Look,” Gaia said, trying to figure out some way to bring her along. “Doâ¦do you want to come with me?”
“No,” Tatiana mumbled, keeping an entire couch cushion pressed to her chest. “I want to stay here. I don't want to move. You do what you have toâ¦.”
“I swear this isn't about Ed,” Gaia said again, trying to figure which person in her life was making her feel the guiltiest right now. It was a tie. Between all of them. “I'll be back as soon as I can.”
“Just go,” Tatiana said.
“I'm
going.
Just do me a favor, okay?”
“What?” Tatiana grunted.
“I want you to lock the door,” Gaia said. “I want you to lock all the doors, close the shades, and steer clear of the windows, okay?” Tatiana didn't answer.
“Okay?”
Gaia pushed.
“Okay,” Tatiana agreed reluctantly, curling up even further.
“Okay,” Gaia said more calmly. “I'll be right back.”
She closed the door behind her and headed for the stairs. But she stopped in the middle of the hallway and waited until she heard Tatiana lock the door. It gave her at least a moment of relief. But only a moment. Because the facts were still the facts.
Gaia and Tatiana had nearly died, and Heather was in the hospital. Loki's mind games were over. He was way past his convincing double-talk and his cryptic little schemes. Sometime in the last hourâ¦he'd gone on the warpath. Either that or he'd lost what was left of his mind.
Loki
An Open Letter
Lo
and behold, it is true. We are in fact wasting the majority of our lives. I suppose I'd always had my suspicions, but I was never sure until now. Yes, I have given myself one very simple injection, and glory, hallelujah, I have seen the light.
You want to know the truth? You all might as well be locked up in pods and cocoons until the auspicious day when everyone will be able to inject themselves with 20 ccs of phobosan II. Because until that day, let me tell you what your life will consist of.
Absolutely nothing. Oh, you will surely convince yourself that it is something. But believe me, as long as you feel fear, your life is nothing.
You see, one day you will take the shot, as I have, and you will wake up, and you will realize that the life you were leadingâa life with fearâis the human equivalent of living in a Roach Motel. You, good citizens of Now, are human cockroaches. Stuck in a brown cardboard box, staring out at the light and convincing yourself that with just a little more effort, you'll reach that light, totally unaware that your fearful little legs are absolutely glued to the ground.
And so you will dream of the light, and you will imagine yourself reaching the light, and you will plot out your little road to the light. You will even convince yourselves that if you don't reach the light in
life,
then, of course, you're sure to see the light in
death.
How very tragic, don't you think? How miserably, miserably sad.
You must understand: That glue that is holding your little insect legs to the groundâ¦that is fear.
Fear is the reason you're still in that pathetic little town. Fear is the reason you're still in that miserable job and that horrible school. Fear is the reason that you are poor and unsuccessful and unpopular. It is the reason you are ugly, the reason you are stupid. It is the reason you are nothing.
Because you won't let go. You won't face the facts. You won't
free
yourself from the glue.
Dr. Glenn has obviously perfected the drug, as this second generation of phobosan has left me in a state of utter euphoria without one single side effect to show for it. There are none of the violent tendencies we were seeing in subject B. None of those hideous outbursts and uncontrollable spasms the Gannis girl was exhibiting. Just complete and unadulterated clarity. The only thing that shot of phobosan has done to me is wake me from a lifelong sleep.
I realize now that I have been holding on for so long. Absolutely mired in glue. And now, with my fears cast aside, I am ready to let go.
All this time, each and every one of my plans had been failing for one very simple reason. I was trying to carry out every plan without losing Gaia. I'm no longer ashamed to say it now. I'm no longer ashamed to say anything.
I was afraid of losing my daughter.
Just as I had been desperately afraid of losing Katia. I had convinced myself that I could not live without Gaia, I could not live without my daughter's love.
Glue. Nothing but glue.
You see, this fearless blood that is now running through my veinsâ¦that's the only part of Gaia I need now. All I wanted was to bring my daughter back into my lifeâto make her a part of me again. And I've done that. I now have bits and pieces of Gaia inside me. But ironically, it's really my daughter's fearless genes that have helped me free myself of her. Until now, I've just been too afraid to admit what I've really always known.
I will never win her over. Gaia is
never
going to love me.
Never.
You see how
easy
it is without fear to nail me to the ground? The simple truths! The beautiful truths that will be my freedom and my salvation! Katia is long gone. And the child we shared will never love me.
The conclusion here is so obvious, I cannot even fathom how many years I've wasted avoiding it.
I don't need her anymore.
I don't need anyone. You see, I am finally capable of doing what every one of you would be far too afraid to do. I am starting my life from scratch. I am going to eliminate all the chaff from my lifeâall the painful glue that has kept me paralyzed, and then I will finally move on. Straight into the light.
I will no longer fear dead ends. There are no dead ends. There are other women for me to meet, and when I meet the right one, we will have new sons and daughters of our own. And perhaps those sons and daughters will be even more special than Gaia, given my new genetic makeup. And that woman, and all my sons and daughtersâ¦they will all love me the way I should have been loved in the first placeâby my brother, by Katia, by Gaia. I know this now. I can believe it one hundred percent because there is no fear to taint that belief.
Yes, it is time to close out the entire fearful chapter of my life. I see now what I must do. In order to start the new, I must first destroy the oldârid myself of the glue. So I suppose this will be my last good-bye to everyone that I'll need to eliminateâeveryone who has kept me stuck in this fearful and unsuccessful stagnant void. Good-bye, Tom and Natasha. Good-bye to the Gannis girl and Gaia's young friend Tatiana.
And good-bye, my dear Gaia. The world will be a much smaller place without you in it, but speaking as one fearless person to another, I know you understand what I must do.
It is time to wipe the slate clean.