Best Sex Writing 2013: The State of Today's Sexual Culture (16 page)

Postindustrial Western societies romanticize sex. To some ex- tent, this is good. I wouldn’t want to go back to a time when premarital sex hardly existed, women had no sexual autonomy and marriages were arranged by the couple’s families. Falling in love is a good reason to be together, even if its initial intensity can rarely be sustained forever.

We’ve come to expect a level of intimacy and understanding or rapport, especially in the first stages of sexual experience, that very few lovers can sustain. Some women’s first experience of intercourse is easy; others feel varying degrees of twinginess or even a stab of pain when the hymen is broken. But even after that inconvenience is eliminated, it takes some practice for two bodies (especially two bodies of dissimilar gender) to create a mutual rhythm of lovemaking. Being able to tolerate discomfort or even get turned on by it may be one of the things that helps us put up with each other long enough to get better at providing pleasure.

On an online message board for kinky women, a conversation took place about why experiencing pain makes some women get wet. In less civilized times, getting hurt might be a signal that sexual assault was going to occur. One or two of them speculated that this reflex might have helped their gender survive rape.

I have no idea whether most women or only a handful get physically excited by roughness or pain. Even if this reaction

occurs, it does not justify violence against women. Rape is evil because it involves using another’s body as if they were an ob- ject, ignoring the person inside and their response to it. Most of the time, rape is an unpleasant and squalid experience that has no pleasurable content. But even if rape results in an orgasm for the victim, I assert that it is as evil to give someone an orgasm against their will as it is to fuck them while preventing them from coming.

We like to think of pleasure as good and pain as bad, but the Shadow side of us sees through that simplistic thinking. I have seen more hatred expressed in an act of vanilla sex than I could believe, and I have seen inexpressible tenderness while one partner bled and the other inhaled their pain like the bouquet of a rare wine.

Who’s There?

This “big picture” stuff is fun to think about, discuss and re- search. But it’s a little too abstract to help two people who want to branch out in the bedroom and get into some daunting activities. How can you make your socially unacceptable, thigh-squeezing, nubby-nippled, ball-tightening dreams come true?

It helps to give some preliminary thought to the psychology of both top and bottom. When I do workshops on BDSM role- playing, I like to give participants four different scales that they can use to rate themselves, for masochism, sadism, submission and dominance. Each of these qualities is independent of the others. I’ve met dominant masochists and submissive sadists, for example.
Why
someone is going to inflict or accept a sensation is as important as who will be playing each part. A masochist may be willing to pretend they are submissive just so they can get whipped till they cry. Without the catharsis of a good workout

on a regular basis, the masochist gets cranky and sluggish and depressed. As long as they are black-and-blue, they are perky and industrious. You may get more out of a masochist if you dispense with courtesies such as waiting at the table or picking up heavy things and letting them tell you which implements they adore, which ones they laugh at and which ones strike terror into their hearts. I’ve seen joyous and amazing pain play that had not a shred of role-playing in it. (This does not mean, by the way, that a mas- ochist cannot be quite loyal and helpful to you, if only because you see and value a side of them that the world despises.)

A submissive may not like pain at all unless it is presented as a service that they are required to perform for the master or mistress. It is the submissive’s obligation to provide service and give pleasure—to yield and submit to a higher will. Pain can be administered as a symbol of ownership. “I can do this to you because you belong to me, and you will take it because it excites and relaxes me.”

If you don’t know where you fit in this complex picture, don’t worry about it too much. It can take a lot of experience to figure out your own psychic twists and turns. Very few of us are exclu- sively top or bottom. If there wasn’t at least a crumb of masochism in the sadist, how could he or she understand what they are asking the bottom to do? Not to mention the fact that people’s needs often change as life changes them.

Even if you know your pain tolerance can be rated on the heavy end of the scale, be prepared for its fickleness. There will be nights when the paddle that you worshipped last time is just too evil to be borne. Remember that the point of doing a scene is how it makes you feel, not the techniques or toys being used. A good top understands this, and won’t throw a hissy if you need to be beaten with a terry-cloth bathrobe tie.

I hope it won’t completely confuse the issue to say that not all pain trips require a top and a bottom. Some people who create ordeals view themselves as spiritual guides or assistants; they don’t want a romantic relationship. I’ve heard hot stories of two com- petitive bottoms who got together to see who would use their safeword first. And, during those periods of drought when the bars and parties and clubs seem populated by toads and trolls, the self-infliction of sexy pain is a very nice adjunct to masturbation. Who could you trust more than yourself?

Set and Setting

The terms
set
and
setting
were coined by Timothy Leary to de- scribe factors that determine the experience of ingesting psyche- delic drugs. It is useful to consider these factors because they in- fluence the emotional content of an event, whether it is theater, long-distance running or therapy. Set has to do with the partici- pants’ mind-set, the internal processes that can either enhance or destroy pleasure. Setting refers to the location where the event takes place—what you see, smell, touch, hear and feel around you. These factors are highly individual. If the steps I suggest don’t sound effective for you, you are the best judge of that. But at least I can give you some specific ideas that have proven their worth for me and other players. This can help you pin down your own experimental parameters. And after every session, it’s a good idea to discuss what did and didn’t work, with an eye to brainstorming new possibilities for erotic play. If you must give your partner negative feedback, express it with tenderness, and surround your misgivings with praise for what did work. Both top and bottom make themselves equally vulnerable in a session. If the only thing you can come up with is a barrage of criticism or inflated de-

mands, the two of you are probably incompatible.

Take a look at the space where the scene is going to happen. Do enough preparation so that the two of you can be sponta- neous. Everything you are going to need should be in the room. Leave the room if you must, but be aware you are opening the oven and letting some of the heat out. When you return, you’ll need to back up a little and build up to the point you reached when the two of you broke connection.

The room needs to be clean—well, for most fetishes. Toys ought to be organized, in good repair and accessible. Lube and safe-sex barriers should be in clear view. Rope ought to be un- tangled, clean, inspected for weaknesses and laid out so it won’t turn into a snarl the minute the top touches it. If you are going to play with locking devices, make sure there are extra keys, and that both of you know where they are.

Think of this as foreplay. You can start getting excited by your own sexiness, and by anticipating your partner’s presence. Touching your toys and disinfecting a play surface is like caressing your own body. Your energy, sense of purpose, or consciousness starts gathering into a focus on Eros.

Before you play, ask yourself what makes you feel alluring and powerful. (I am including bottoms here because you need your own strength. The session comes from you as much as, if not more than, from the top.) Take the time and trouble to dress up, even if you are only wearing a beautiful collar or a badass pair of boots. Get enough rest and eat a healthy meal a couple of hours before you play.

I’m going to assume that you’ve already been educated about how to negotiate a scene, get any needed consent, choose a safe- word, et cetera. I’m also going to assume that you know your way around the toys or equipment you will use. This is an article about pain play in general; describing every single technique is

beyond my scope. Never pretend to have experience that you lack. There is honor only in being honest about this and making sure you get trained to an expert level.

Unless you are the Ice Queen escorting your latest paramour to your frigid palace, I recommend taking the bottom into a warm room. Loose, relaxed muscles are going to accept building sensations more easily. I also suggest taking away one of your bot- tom’s senses, if only for a little while. Using a blindfold or gag is your first demand for control over their body. Can they let go and graciously accede to allowing you to orchestrate their experience? Take the time to verbally or visually remind the two of you (or your birthday party guests) who it is you are manifesting in this fantasy. In what time or place are you encountering each other? You can do a simple breathing exercise to get grounded in the present. Or perhaps you’ve constructed an elaborate story with chapters and verses. This provides a meaningful context for pain. During some sessions, the reason for the infliction of pain is elicited from the bottom while they are under duress (“You’re hurting me because I’m a dirty pig!” or “You are giving me pain to push me out of my body, so I can fly free.”) In the past, I have said that it is the top’s responsibility to determine what each ac- tion means and share that significance with the bottom. But I have come to see that finding this underlying meaning is really a joint project. It may be a conspiracy that can be verified by silently meeting each other’s eyes, or it may be a sudden revelation that has to be shouted or whispered aloud. You may find the answer in your own heart or see it emerging in the shape of your partner’s

face. It can be an old friend, an enemy or a complete surprise.

Arousing the bottom is an important first step, unless you are playing with a rare and wonderful creature who needs pain to get aroused. Give your partner a brief massage. Highlight the

genitals but don’t give them too much attention. You want to create anticipation by teasing. If the bottom has a favorite toy that already gets them going, why not begin with that? Proceed from the familiar to the unfamiliar. Bondage can be very helpful. It allows the bottom to feel contained and secure, and gives them something to pull on when things get exciting.

I dearly love to mix sexual stimulation with gradually in- creasing levels of pain. I also want to keep the bottom awake and responsive, so I won’t use the same implement for too long. If I am whipping someone, I switch between implements that go “thud” and skinny, flexible tools that sting. As blood rises to the surface of the skin, it becomes more sensitive; sometimes running your fingertips or a piece of fur over the skin is exquisite, almost too much so. I also like to vary dry skin versus wet during a whipping or spanking. Generally, wet skin is more sensitive.

Alternating with the bad behavior, I am kissing the bottom, stroking their body, locating various erogenous zones, and titil- lating them. I want them to need my touch. Winning pleasure is a reward for enduring or enjoying a low level of pain. Be patient with this type of training. It can take several sessions before you begin to see the bottom opening up and allowing you to do more and more. Trust can’t always be built in one session.

A bottom who needs safety before they can take down their walls will appreciate being asked how they are doing and re- minded that this is all within their control. (It is a common joke among tops who enjoy electrical play that if you give the bottom a control box, they will smartly turn up the dial to levels that were not allowed when the control rested in the top’s hand.) You might think that safety is a universal requirement for all masoch- ists, but I have found instead that a certain amount of realism may be necessary to unlock an erotic response to higher levels of pain.

If you really are a captive, you know you will have to take more than the person who is playing at being a captive.

Fear is the most powerful obstacle to building up a tolerance for and erotic response to pain. It may sound corny, but I love to recite the Bene Gesserit rite about pain from the
Dune
novels. Get the bottom to pay attention to what is really going on, right now, rather than their exaggerated and panicky image of what might happen to them. I find that if I can get a bottom to stick with me for the first twenty minutes or so, a whip or a fistful of clothes- pins suddenly gets a whole lot easier to take. That’s because natu- rally occurring chemicals are beginning to hit the bloodstream, turning “pain” into “wheeee!”

If you are able to feel energy around yourself and your partner, remind them that you want to link the two of you together. I have found that it often works to create a vocal circuit between me and my partner. When I hurt them, they can open their mouth and by panting or making a noise pass the pain on to me. I take the pain, turn it into pleasure, and push it back into them. (I may be pushing other things into them as well, dirty lowlife that I am.) It’s amazing how often people will experience exactly what you tell them to feel. If you have a certain destination in mind, take the bottom there, one blow or pinch or slap at a time.

If you are playing with a submissive rather than a pure mas- ochist, you can use service-oriented psychology to build tolerance for pain. As I said earlier, the submissive wants to be possessed and yield to another person; they want to be of service. They will take pain if you make it their job to take it. The pain becomes one item on a menu of conduct or sacrifices that you, the master or mistress, demand because it pleases you. Pain becomes a way to demonstrate your control over him or her. But this may not occur to your submissive unless you spell it out. People tend to get con-