Bender at the Bon Parisien (A Novel) (24 page)

Pres Maxson is an award-winning author.

Actually, let’s think about this for a
second. Award winning? Yeah, I guess. Let’s look at the lifetime tally: Pres
was a 1990 Presidential Physical Fitness Award recipient in elementary school;
was the all-time record holder briefly in the Mighty Munchkin Practice
Sweepstakes for minutes spent practicing piano in high school; was crowned “Mr.
DHS” in 1997; won the essay contest naming his father “University of Iowa Dad
of the Year 2002”; was named to the Hawkeye Marching Band’s Rank of Honor in
back-to-back years; was named Employee of the Month in 2008 somewhere that has
since gone out of business; and, most recently, in 2014 was recognized by his
niece and nephews with an actual plaque for “ongoing dedication and unwavering
pursuit of excellence in the field of awesomeness.” Sure, there were others
along the way, but those are the greatest hits. So technically, yes. Pres
Maxson is award-winning.

But, even the term “author” is loosely
used for Pres. Sure, he’s written stuff. Most notably, he has a degree in
English from the great University of Iowa, and he’s written professional copy
for the last decade. But also: a smattering of unpublished little stories, blog
posts, unanswered tweets at various public figures, hundreds of song lyrics,
and countless grocery lists. He is into haiku also, having written thousands of
low-quality poems (and four really okay ones) in the last two decades.

So sure, Pres Maxson is an award-winning
author. Let’s go ahead with that.