Being The Other Woman: Who we are, what every woman should know and how to avoid us (18 page)

What is central in creating the affair is not necessarily sex but the attention that developed during his being primed to have an affair. He needs to feel affection from someone who craves him. He needs to feel the excitement of being sexually desired. He needs to feel appreciated and adored. His ego is in need of support and he wants to be lifted up. A steady flow of intriguing conversation exists between the married man and his mistress. She feels connected with someone who has genuine curiosity. She explores things with her lover. She has a companion who enjoys similar interests or wants to expose her to new things. There is a stream of honesty and openness, causing her to admire him. His interest is not confined to topics that will not upset her, as it often is with his wife; the other woman “understands” his needs and desires.

The other woman’s needs are met by someone who has shown a strong attraction to her entire person, by someone who listens to her with a sincere interest. He enjoys her companionship. He fills her conversational needs and brings adventure and excitement into her life. Even though she is sharing him with his wife, the relationship feels much more exclusive than the beginning of dating a single man. She feels that his focus is entirely on her and that she is not competing with a handful of other prospects. Bear with me here. This may not make sense, but the married man is the man who is not afraid to commit to a woman, and this makes it easier to open to him emotionally.

Most people spend a minimum of eight hours per day at their place of employment. This leaves less than four or five hours to handle other daily tasks and juggle time with family. We return from work tired and lacking the desire to engage in energetic conversation. Our peak hours of awareness are during our typical work hours, and so it’s at the office that we tend to develop relationships that impact our daily lives. Therefore, the other woman is, more often than not, a professional woman. She is often educated, independent, and financially secure, or at least capable of managing on her own. She does not represent a burden the man must take on and care for. As he sees her, this woman takes care of herself and does not make demands on him. She is not another obligation. She offers freedom, at least for a while. Their relationship is centered on what they share, not on domestic responsibilities. There are no to-do lists, no bills to pay, no children to manage, and no expectations to meet. Bitterness and selfishness have yet to arise. In fact, the man and the other woman idolize each other. They’re probably experiencing the same euphoria that existed at the beginning of the married couple’s relationship. If the wife has lost interest in sex, perhaps the added element of starvation makes the meal taste better. Butterflies and falling in love… live again.

Though the other woman never intends to hurt anyone, all the women I spoke to admitted that even though the beginning of their affair had nothing to do with challenging the man’s wife, it was an ego boost when he was drawn away from the wife because of her. It was as if the other woman offered the man something exceptionally different from anything any other woman could offer. He had to have met many women during the course of his marriage. “Why me?” the other woman asks. “Why now? I must be REALLY great!”

Again, because a woman is hardwired to build connection, a man’s openness to communication and connection with her sends the message to her that he approves of her—something she chemically needs to feel. It is in her nature to try everything to continue to elicit emotional expression from him. According to Brizendine, “It’s the same kind of instinct that keeps a grown woman going after a narcissistic or otherwise emotionally unavailable man—‘if I just do it right, he’ll love me’.”
²

Loren, another woman I interviewed, explained her reasons for falling into the trap this way. “He boosted my self-esteem and feelings of self-worth at first. He was so attentive and it was all about me. I was flattered that he was willing to take such great risks to contact me when his wife was around. It made me believe that I was all of those things that he told me.” But a little later, she added, “Anyone who allows herself to get into a relationship with someone who is not available is acting on something she is not receiving. Some need. She is using the affair to feed her own ego, though she may not realize it.”

Felicia said, “He was spontaneous. I wanted excitement, and that’s what Ron offered me. He always wanted to do things with me, and they were never half assed.” He made her feel that she was his top priority. Eventually, however, as the man’s vacillation between wife and mistress began, Felicia’s belief that she was not enough was reinforced.

Most other women did not go into the relationship thinking about hurting someone else. The usual thought is
what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her,
and when the wife does learn of the affair, the typical other woman is quite uncomfortable with herself. Many times, the other woman chooses not to know anything about the wife, believing that this ignorance is in some way noble. I myself went through this one. I somehow thought that if I didn’t know Beth’s heart, it would make me less “bad.” I think I considered her to be a character in a story, not a real person. I spent a great part of the beginning of our affair pretending Beth did not exist.

The other woman eventually perceives the wife as having the life she wants with no appreciation for it. Thus a challenge is created, and she wants to be the man’s exclusive partner. She believes she is more capable than his wife of cherishing him. But every time the man goes home to his wife, the other woman loses this challenge. She has to keep fighting to win him back.

“The female brain has a far more negative alert reaction to relationship conflict and rejection then does the male brain,” Brizendine writes. “In women, conflict is more likely to set in motion a cascade of negative chemical reactions, creating feelings of stress, upset, and fear. Just the thought that there might be a conflict will be read by the female brain as threatening the relationship, and bring with it the real concern that the next conversation she has with her friend will be their last. When a relationship is threatened or lost, the bottom drops out of the level of some of the female brains neurochemicals—such as serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin (the bonding hormone)—and the stress hormone cortisol takes over.”
³

The women I spoke to all made comments similar to Rebecca, “You are fooling yourself if you think you are special and different. He may say all the right stuff, but you are not special to him in the right way. Special is when it’s real.” When a woman thinks of her perfect mate, never do the words married man enter the equation. When asked to describe their ideal partners, all the other women I interviewed used these words (though not necessarily in this order): Communicative. Compassionate. Giving. Expressive. Honorable. Respectful. Supportive. They described their ideal partner as one who would cherish their companionship as their true best friend. And, without fail, the number one quality that fell from every lip was TRUSTWORTHY. It seems the other woman is just a woman, after all.

Chapter 14
 

The Behavior of a Cheater
 

Much of what I have to say here is pretty obvious, but it’s amazing how not obvious something suddenly becomes when we are looking for signs that reinforce what we want to believe, for example, that the person we love has not betrayed us.

A man who is having an affair usually becomes more concerned with his appearance. He begins to purchase new clothing, better cologne, and the latest, trendiest things. This is a red flag, especially if in the past he didn’t care how he looked or what he wore that no one else could see and now he suddenly does.

A man who is having an affair finds a sudden new found fascination with diet and fitness. He may be realizing that he is not as young as he used to be. He may be focusing on his health for the sake of health, but fitness also is something a man having an affair usually starts paying more attention to.

A good dose of mid-life crisis can lead a man to do some soul searching. He may explore subjects that were once foreign to him. But his interest in new things may also be a sign that he is connecting with someone else. For example, my ex-fiancé was always a lover of The Top 40s pop music, but when Ann came along, he suddenly developed a taste for country music.

A demanding job or the feeling of being overwhelmed and pulled in many directions can often make a man turn his cell phone ring tone off or turn on its vibrate feature when he comes home. But he may also be inspired by his fear that his mistress might call at a very inconvenient time. When he leaves his cell phone in inconspicuous places or suddenly begins to forget the phone when he’s with his wife, chances are he doesn’t want to get calls from someone she won’t approve of.

It’s neither abnormal nor unhealthy when he wants to spice up the sex life. When he’s suddenly pulling new moves, however, you might want to wonder where, or from whom, he learned them.

The big tell-all is when all of the above are happening right alongside other changes in a husband’s behavior. His spending habits change. His coworkers and friends seem awkward or uncomfortable in his wife’s presence. He seems less comfortable around his wife. He shows signs of stress or agitation or seems withdrawn or touchy.

Another clue may be when his spouse answers the phone, the caller hangs up, and the call is usually coming from a blocked line. She finds erased caller IDs on their home phone or his cell phone. He speaks in whispers when he’s on the phone and suddenly hangs up when she enters the room. He seems to always have a mysterious errand to run, and it takes him four times longer to finish than it should. He works late more often or leaves to work earlier than he used to. He suddenly becomes very selfish in his requirement for “guy time” or hobbies that do not involve his spouse. He picks ridiculous fights over nothing and then storms out of the house for hours afterwards. He says he is unhappy in the marriage, but he cannot specify exactly why and he’s reluctant to work through the issues. He is disconnected.

Men who are insecure, controlling, and accusatory often are having a reaction to stress caused by their own behavior. If you are dealing with constant jealousy and accusations and being snooped on, when you otherwise see no reason for him to behave that way, toss your feelings of flattery away. He’s probably projecting his own dishonest behavior on you.

Insecure men respond to feelings of rejection by giving back rejection, and they are quick to act on these feelings. So if, say, his wife is behaving in ways that allow him to misinterpret the behavior as rejection, then as he feels rejected, he may move to get back at her, even if she is innocent of any wrong doing. Men with a low self esteem look for women to build them back up. His insecurities will probably drive him to another woman, the “back up” he turns to when his wife refuses him, the one who massages his ego and is open to his advances. She doesn’t see his character flaws as his wife does; she hasn’t had to deal with him long enough.

Men who are prone to affairs are often those who rise quickly to success. Women want someone to take care of them, so rising stars start to receive a lot of attention. While they are big headed and feeling magnanimous, their egos are already out of control, they think they
can
have it all and
should
. When his wife is complaining about the things he’s doing that are wrong, he’s not listening. It seems to him that the rest of the world thinks he is awesome. That means the problem is his wife. This belief will make another woman look spectacular, no matter if her true attraction is to the powerful person he appears to be. I call this the Closet Full of Shoes effect. Successful men are most attractive to single women, especially women who desire prestige and want their friends to envy them, something all too common in today’s consumption driven society. Men embrace their new found desirability instead of seeing that they are really only as good as the things they can buy her and the social status they offer. If these men formerly doubted their worth and are surprised by their growth, they are stuck on the praise they receive from outside sources and lean on this praise to validate their self worth. They themselves are confused, however, because they do not trust themselves; in other words, they are hiding their insecurity and continue to seek out those who will reaffirm their entitlement and worth. They forget that their wives have stuck by them through rich and poor. They’re on a giddy ego trip, lapping up the attention they get from other women. They think it’s themselves, not the success and power they represent. Yes, and then, (simply because they have the means to buy the latest Prada,) these pea-brained men show how infantile they are by destroying a family that has stood by their side in sickness and in health.

Evolutionary psychologist David Buss has traveled the world studying over thirty seven cultures and in every one of them, women are more interested in a man’s social status and resources than how he looks. It is a primitive truth that these are the qualities we unconsciously search for in a long-term mate.

One woman who confided in me, Kathy, told me about how her husband, Joe, suddenly shot up the corporate ladder. He made a name for himself and basked in the limelight, which made him less interested in the mundane issues at home. Home became insignificant. His behavior toward his wife showed his belief that he was superior and that she was a mere housewife who had nothing to do all day. The “nothing to do” consisted, of course, of caring for his five children, ranging from infancy to high school. Kathy’s need for his participation in their family activities made him feel that she was whining about things that he didn’t have time for. He preferred to spend his time on meeting all of his corporate responsibilities and entertaining clients. When he did have the time for Kathy, he expected her to take what he could give and be grateful. One evening he didn’t show up to their daughter’s dance recital. She phoned him repeatedly and received no answer. Upon arriving home, it was evident that he had not come home after work. Concerned, she drove to every location she could imagine him being. Exhausted from frantic searching and worry, she went home. He arrived late that evening with an arrogant attitude. He excused his disappearance as punishment for her failure to be available to him earlier in the week. She was sad and defensive. She later discovered that he had been off with another woman.

Mark also climbed the success ladder fast. Ego-driven, he soon began to see himself more important than his wife, Jenny. He had an affair with a woman who pampered him and stroked his ego. It made him feel powerful to be in a position to juggle women who would fight over him. Movies present powerful men as always having a family in one home and a mistress in the swank apartment. I think many boys who suddenly find themselves in a position of power have a little of this fantasy in them.

Also prone to having affairs are the party boys who think they’re still living in the college dorm or frat house. They live for time with the guys and never want to drag their wives along. These guys have an insatiable need to have fun. This includes the quest to conquer women.

It’s pretty normal for men to want a little time with the guys, but I am talking about the guys who put themselves in risky circumstances night after night. These men are fair game for the women who bump into them. They’re vulnerable to a constant flirtation that just might go too far on a night the husband is not feeling so happily married.

A guy who is hungry for adventure, a thrill seeker, will cheat for the thrill of the chase. A man who was very sexually active before he married is also likely to cheat. Don’t expect a leopard to change his spots. If he has a lot of female friends, these friendships are a common starting point to having an affair. If he has cheated in the past or in past relationships, you know the saying: once a cheater always a cheater. And don’t underestimate the power of peer pressure. If he has friends who cheat, he likely will too. Men who travel frequently are left to roam freely and often do. I have a saying I made up when I was younger; absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it makes the weak ones wander. Men who are in an unhappy home feel emotionally starved for something else. Guys with a fear of intimacy seek “fun love” where they are not forced to connect so deeply.

For much of my adult life, I have been intrigued by the science of people. This interest has lead me to explore topics like the chemistry of the brain, human movement, and the overall art of reading people used in professions ranging from sales to jury selecting. I have become quite talented at unmasking liars.

Unfortunately, no matter how confident I have become in my skills, throw emotional attachment, adrenalin, anxiety, and the want to be wrong about my suspicions into the mix, and all of the energy I have put into avoiding deceit is to no avail.

As women, we have become quite skilled in filling our heads with self doubt so that we can create a world we want to believe in, but sometimes our self deception leads to psychological injury. How many times have you listened to someone insist they were telling the truth, but somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew they were trying to deceive you? When the lie is discovered, you find yourself saying “I knew it all along.”

Because I have had the misfortune of telling myself “I knew it all along” I got pretty tired of being an idiot and putting my intelligence on the backburner. I started to pay more attention to my
want
vs.
real
and began to not accept self deception but instead worked my way through confusion by digging for the truth. Once I became conscious of what I
wanted
the
truth
to
be
and recognized that I am capable of self deception easily, it became much easier for me to step outside of myself a little bit and recognize my intuition. I started to spot the lies.

One evening Shane and I agreed to sit down and really work through some of the issues that were appearing in our relationship. I wanted to know what was really going on with him. I had a constant sense of insecurity, the feeling that I was being duped. Something wasn’t right. I couldn’t understand why he was always acting irritated. We usually spoke to each other many times throughout the day but suddenly I was the only one who was calling to check in and see how his day was going. I would call in high spirits and greet him with a cheerful “Hi Honey.” I noticed that his mood soured immediately. On the other end of the line, hatred was spewing about every person in his office and every petty difficulty he faced. The conversations were short and when he spoke about what he had been doing for much of the morning his voice would trail off omitting words that got to the point. He would abruptly stop with no end to his point or divert the conversation. This was all a change in protocol and also traits I learned to watch for. I also noticed that several times when we spoke he would mention a person randomly that had no part in our conversation and he seemed to have his mind engaged in another direction.

That night as we sat on his couch while I listened to him convince me that he was just really stressed about things going on at work, his home phone rang. I saw panic cross his face. His shoulders drew in and his eyes focused on the phone while I watched the up and down movement of his chest indicating his heart rate had increased. When the answering machine kicked on, he made a rash decision and flew up to answer the phone so that the caller’s voice and intentions were not broadcasted. The moment he answered, I saw relief. His body began to relax and color returned to his face. But he walked into a different room to speak to his caller. I could still hear his voice but I could not see his face any longer. I heard discomfort in his voice and he was speaking to his caller with short abrupt answers. “No.” “Ya.” “Can I call you back later?” When he hung up, he went to use the restroom. According to interrogator Gregory Hartley, author of
How
To
Spot
a
Liar,
when someone has successfully lied his rush of relief will cause his system to regain function and as his blood returns his bladder also becomes filled. While he was in the bathroom, I looked at his caller ID. It was a male friend of his that I didn’t get along with much. My mind began to rationalize his reaction.

He returned to the couch and we began our conversation again. “Who called?” I asked him. “Oh, it was Chris.” He and Chris had been friends since childhood but had a disagreement many months prior and hadn’t been speaking to each other. “I didn’t realize that you two had patched things up, what’s going on?” I inquired. “Nothing, he just wanted to know if I went out this weekend,” and then began to trail his sentence again. This seemed like an odd line of questioning from Chris since Shane was much of a home body. But as I started to vocally quiz and rationalize the question Chris had asked him, I watched his shoulders drop and his eyes fall down to the left—usually an indication of calculated thought. He was guilty of something, I just wasn’t sure what yet.