Behind the Tears (Behind the Lives) (11 page)

9

Ash

Ash parked the car close to the emergency entrance to Middleton Hospital. The large white building was surprisingly quiet, with only a few cars dropping off people. Carly jumped out and ran around to Ash’s door. Again, Ash got a flash of her breasts as she leaned over to unbuckle his seatbelt.

“You need help walking, hun?” she asked, still looking excited.

“No, I’m fine.” He gave her a friendly smile, no longer disliking her. On the car ride over, she’d softened him. He hadn’t realised how much she’d cared about his brother; Dante’s perception of her originally clouding his view. But, she’d showed concern for him, or in her mind Dante, constantly asking whether he was alright, so, by the time they’d pulled up to the hospital he’d come to the conclusion that she was in love with his brother.

“Why’d ja text that nude photo of Dante to everyone?” Ash asked, getting out of the car. “You did yourself no favours, it upset him loads.”

She scowled at him. “Stop speaking like you’re not Dante! Can’t you just shoosh it?”

“No, cos I’m not him.”

“But, I
want
you to be.” She touched the tattoo on his neck. Ash stayed still as her fingers wandered up his face. “You’ve got different tattoos, but you look the same.”

“So, you knew I wuzn’t him all along?”

She shook her head, her face screwing up like she was going to cry. He wasn’t sure whether she understood, then she spoke, her voice sounding almost normal. “I didn’t send that text. Someone stole my phone. Deano found out about it and went ballistic, beating me up. I wanted to leave him for you, but he threatened to kill you.” She started crying. “Then you told me to fuck off without letting me explain. You hurt me bad.”

Ash frowned, pissed with Deano. He didn’t blame the guy for getting upset over the cheating, but there was no way in hell the bastard should’ve hurt Carly. If a female did that to him he might yell, but he would never strike a woman. Oh, he’d leave her, but hitting them, nope, that was not on... Now, a man, that would be a totally different ball game, because he’d bash the shit out of anyone who touched what was his.

“Don’t cry,” he said. “I understand now,”
and I’ll make sure Dante does too
, not adding the last part since she already thought he was his brother.

Carly grabbed Ash round the waist and hugged him. “I’m so sorry, Dante, please forgive me.”

“Nuthin’ to forgive.”

She leaned her head against his chest. Not knowing what to do, Ash patted her on the back, feeling awkward and self-conscious, standing out in the open with blood covering both of them. He glanced at Carly’s children in the back seat, the two little ones babbling away to each other. “Get your kids out,” he said, extricating himself from her.

Carly hollered for them, sending a shaft of pain through Ash’s head. He cradled it, watching as the two kids scooted out. Carly took off after them as they headed through the sliding doors, yelling at them to stop. Seeing his opportunity, Ash jumped into the car and fired up the engine. There was no way he was going into the hospital with a battered woman. He could just imagine what people would think seeing her with a smashed-up face, and with him decked out in leathers and tats.

Carly stopped at the entrance, then turned and ran back, yelling at him to stop. Ash floored the accelerator.

***

He pulled into his driveway, parking Dante’s car behind his Chevy. He jumped out, hoping that Beth was still home. Once he was cleaned up, he needed to apologise for how he’d acted earlier. He knew he shouldn’t have ignored her, but he’d been in shock over Sledge finding out about the rape, plus she kept asking questions, not giving him a moment’s peace. And he was sick of her always nagging him about his past, something that he wasn’t used to. Tiana knew there were certain things he couldn’t handle discussing, but Beth was determined to pull out those painful memories, ones that he’d fought so fucking hard to bottle up so he could function without fragmenting.

Ash stopped at the front door and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. He breathed in then let it out slowly, repeating this several times and blanking his mind in the way another rape victim had taught him. The woman had told him to think of something he loved and to bring up the image, blocking out everything else. Often it was the sea, where he would get lost surfing for hours, but instead an image of Kai Iwi Lakes with its warm waters swam across his mind, a place their family used to visit before his parents divorced. His lips curved into a smile as he pictured his father throwing a squealing six-year-old Dante into the water from their little boat. His father had dived in to bring Dante back, but as soon as Dante was on solid ground, he’d screamed and kicked their father in the shins.

The boom of a sound system shattered the happy memory. Ash glanced at the road as a souped-up Nissan Skyline drove slowly past, the guys inside giving him a friendly salute. The gang were regular customers, one of the few who rarely gave him trouble. He lifted his chin in acknowledgement, then unlocked the house and headed for his bedroom. He poked his head inside, half-disappointed, half-relieved that Beth wasn’t there. He checked Dante’s room next, then the backyard. When he couldn’t find anyone, he pulled out his phone and dialled Dante’s number, his brother picking up on the third ring.

Ash heard what sounded like his son in the background. “Are you at Tiana’s?”

“Yeah.”

“What’re doin’ there?” Ash asked, annoyed that Tiana had let Dante come over. No matter what his ex said about him being free to visit Angelo, it was never that easy.

“I wanted to see Angelo,” Dante replied.

“Put Tiana on the phone for a sec, and after I talk to her you hafta come straight home, I needa brief you on some shit that went down today.”

“What shit?”

“I’ll tell ya when you get here, now put Tiana on.”

“Okay.” Dante called out to Tiana, followed by Tiana asking who it was. “Ash.”

Ash gripped the phone when Dante insisted a second time that she take the call. After several seconds, her voice came over the line. “I can’t talk now, Ash.”

“Only cos it’s me.”

“Ash...” She breathed out, her tone frustrated.

“I wanna see my son. If you can’t stand the sight of me, then let Dante bring him back. Not today, next weekend. I’ve gotta sort some things out first.”

“Not to that house.”

“There’s nuthin’ wrong with my home.”

“You know why I don’t like it.”

“Christ, Tiana, you can’t stop me from spending time with my own son.”

“You can visit him here.”

“Yeah, right. Every time I arrange to come over, there’s always some emergency that makes you leave the house with him. I’m sick of it.”

Her voice went high, a tale-tale sign that she was lying. “I don’t do it on purpose.”

“Bollocks, you do so.”

“Don’t use that language, and it’s not my fault you won’t quit that horrible job.”

“For frig’s sake, stop gettin’ on my case ’bout work, you damn well know I can’t quit.”

“So, your job’s more important than your son? Than me?” She said the last two words so soft he almost missed them. Behind her, he could hear Dante telling her to give it a rest.

Ash breathed out. “You know what happened when I tried to give it up. Christ, my boss is dangerous; I don’t wanna go through that again, I hafta keep my family safe,”
especially Angelo. I couldn’t deal with Craven sending his men near him again.

“I don’t want my son around drugs or criminals.”

“He won’t be around drugs and I’m his father regardless of what I do.” When she didn’t reply, he added, “Please, Tiana, I miss him, and a boy needs his father.”

“You didn’t.”

Ash went still, her words a shock.

“Oh God, Ash, I’m sorry, it just came out. I’m so sorry.”

Ash threw the phone across the lawn, then stormed back into the house, slamming his bedroom door behind him. Tiana fucking knew everything about his relationship with his father, and knew how much it stung. Just because he couldn’t be around his old man, didn’t mean he didn’t want one that cared about him. At one point, he’d thought that maybe his father could change, that he could be a “dad,” but then again, he just had to admit his old man was unwell, not right in the head, so what did he expect. And his cousin, the man who acted more like a father than his biological one, couldn’t be around either. He missed Hunter, but knew his cuz was just as damaged as his old man. But at least Hunter was safe in the psyche ward, and couldn’t harm himself there. Although it hurt having to admit him, it was still the right decision.

Ash closed his eyes. Was he psychologically up the wop too? He had fits of uncontrollable rage like his father. Maybe Tiana was right, that his son was better off without him—safer. But that hurt, and unlike the way his father had treated him, he’d never hit Angelo. And if his stepdad hadn’t come into his life, he might not have gone to live with Hunter and been pulled into the drug trade. He could’ve become a graphic artist, something his old art teacher had suggested. He swore, realising what he was doing, falling into that same old trap of regret.

He stripped and headed into the shower, letting the water wash away the remnants of the day, and wishing it could do the same for Tiana’s words. Once done, he checked out his face in the mirror, surprised to see how little damage Len had done. Just a split lip, but without the swelling, though the back of his head still hurt like a bastard. He grabbed one of Beth’s mirrors and angled it so he could see the damage, gingerly touching the sensitive area. Other than being sore, it seemed alright, the bleeding having stopped. Satisfied, he headed into his room and pulled on some clothes, then lay down on the bed, wanting to catch some shut-eye before Dante returned.

***

His shirt was tugged over his head, suffocating him briefly. ‘I’m sorry, I tried; I really did,’ Chaz said, undoing Ash’s belt. ‘But I promise you won’t remember a thing, I’ve made sure of that.’

Blackness took Ash, then movement brought him back. He was lying naked on his stomach, with his legs pushed apart. The realisation of what was going to happen hit him hard. He cried out, desperately trying to get away, but his body remained motionless. Pain entered him below, ripping out a scream. Chaz swore, then pushed Ash’s face into the pillow. Fighting to breathe, Ash threw the pillow onto the floor and bolted upright, knocking Chaz off him. Panicked, he turned around and swung out, then froze. Instead of Chaz, Beth stood before him, the drawn curtains blocking out most of the daylight and shrouding her body in shadows. Confused, Ash glanced down at himself, finding himself dressed.

“A dream,” and one he had far too often. He looked back up at Beth, who hadn’t budged. She was standing stock-still like she was afraid to move, then as though someone had flicked on a switch she touched her eye.

His gaze followed the movement. “Did I hurt you?” he said, not sure what he’d done while dreaming.

“It’s nuthin’.”

He switched on the light then pushed off the bed. He took a hold of Beth’s hand and lowered it, horrified to see her reddened eye. “Oh, Beth, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” He leaned in and kissed it gently, feeling awful when she flinched. “I would never hurt you on purpose.”

“It’s no less painful whether you do it on purpose or by accident.”

“I-I wuz having a nightmare.”

She appeared sad. “I’m not talking ’bout my eye. Why do you ignore me, Ash? You just walked out this morning as though I wuzn’t even there.”

“I’m sorry, I wuz upset over what happened at the parole hearing.”

“Why couldn’t you tell me that earlier? And it’s not just this morning either. You ignore me when I ask you questions, only giving me titbits of info when you feel like it. You’re purposely shutting me out and it hurts.”

Ash grimaced, knowing it was true.

She sighed. “I love you, but I can’t take this anymore. Please gimme sumpthin’ that shows you care ’bout me, that you want me to stay. I understand you don’t wanna get married, but I’m not asking that, just ... I want to feel like I’m your lover, not a nuisance.”

He looked down, wondering whether he should tell her about Chaz—the full story, not the abridged version. But, admitting to being raped wasn’t easy. In the past he was afraid to tell people because he thought they might think he was gay. Although he no longer believed that, it was still something he didn’t want to talk about, because pity was just as suffocating as his face being pushed into a pillow.

“You gonna say sumpthin’ or do you want me to leave?” she said, her expression worried.

He sat down on the bed and put his hands to his head. “Sometimes it’s just easier not to talk. I used to blurt things out without thinking, which did more damage than good. I hurt people’s feelings cos of it, which is why I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself.”

“But, it hurts me when you tell me nuthin’. Partners are s’posed to know things ’bout the person they love, whether good or bad, but you’re even more of a mystery now than when we first met.
Please
... I want a normal relationship with you, and to be able to touch you without you lashing out at me.”