Been Here All Along (8 page)

I'm suddenly so jealous of Gideon Berko it feels like I'm burning from the inside. My fingers are actually shaking with rage.

I do something I know I'll regret later. But I have to show him I know. I have to make sure he realizes how much power I have over him. He can't just go about his life, happily being in love with my boyfriend while living in a house that looks the way his house looks, with parents who have jobs and money.

I text him the picture of the list where he's trying to decide whether he's gay or just in love with Kyle. I follow it up with a text that simply says, “I know.”

We'll see what he thinks of that.

Kyle

I swear about thirty seconds ago Gideon looked like he was about to kiss me, and now he looks like someone just punched him in the stomach.

“Are you okay?” I ask, pausing the movie. I don't want to miss the last couple of scenes.

He's pale and staring at his phone like it said something mean to him.

“Yeah, I'm fine,” he says, gulping loudly.

“Did you get bad news?”

“Huh? No, nothing like that. Just…” He shoves his phone into his pocket but doesn't continue his sentence.

“Did I do something wrong?”

He finally looks over at me, and he has that same sweaty and confused look he had the night at the dance. I have to fight the urge to rub away the worry line that's on his forehead.

He shakes his head. “Definitely not. Let's just finish up the movie.”

I swear before he checked his phone we were about to have a moment. There was something going on between us, and it's unsettling. It's the weirdest feeling. Because it makes me feel like I messed up somehow. But if I feel like I messed up, does that mean I wanted something to happen between us?

Gideon's my best friend. I really don't need to develop feelings for him. Not when I have a girlfriend. Not when he's straight.

At least, I think he's straight. He's never said anything about not being straight. And I have to assume that when I told him I was bi, he would have told me then if he was something other than straight.

He moves as far away from me on the couch as possible and then grabs for the remote, hitting
PLAY
before I can say anything else to him.

I cross my arms and try to understand what just happened. But maybe I don't even want to know.

As soon as the movie's over, Gideon's out the door in a flash, and I'm left to clean up the mess we made in the basement.

I have this sinking feeling in my gut that I did something very wrong today. But I don't know what it is, and I don't know how to make it up to him.

There's this other thought, kind of creeping its way from the back of my brain as I pick up pieces of popcorn on the floor and make a pile of paper plates.

I think I might kind of like Gideon.

Like,
like
Gideon.

I shake the feeling away and tell myself to forget it.

 

nine

Gideon

A braver man would have texted Ruby back immediately with something cutting and witty to show her how much a text like that didn't bother him.

I am not that brave man.

Instead I spend most of Monday slinking around school and hiding as much as I can. I don't know how to deal with the issue, so I just don't. I avoid it, ignore it, and downright fall into denial about it.

The good news is that since I'm seventeen now, my mom's letting me borrow her car every day this week, so I can celebrate my newfound independence by driving myself to school.

That morning when I start up the car, I try not to imagine Kyle hopping over the fence in his very Kyle fashion and getting in the car with me. I very carefully do not imagine the conversation we'd be having, and I even more cautiously do not go anywhere near the thought of touching him.

There is no touching Kyle.

I do realize that I could allay a lot of my fears by asking Ruby what she's going to do. I honestly don't believe for a second she's the kind of person who would out me, but I could imagine her maybe holding this over my head somehow. Not in a blackmailing kind of way. But maybe that's only because I can't imagine what she would blackmail me for.

I'm slightly worried that Ruby's blackmailing me and I don't even know it.

The morning wears on in exhausting fashion. It's five minutes until lunch and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I've been eating at a lunch table with a mix of my friends and Kyle's friends lately, and I'm sure Ruby will be there. Waiting for me. Watching me like the weak little man I am.

The thought alone makes me sigh so loud during precalc that the kid sitting next to me takes a moment away from whatever it is we're supposed to be doing to glare at me like I let rip a silent but deadly fart rather than just a harmless exhale of lament. I glare right back.
Do not mess with me
, I tell him with my eyes.
I am having a serious shit storm of a day.

Kyle finds me at my locker during passing time and corners me.

“Where have you been all day? You're like a Ringwraith slinking around school,” he says, his eyes sparkling in a way that I hate myself for noticing.

“Just have a lot going on,” I sputter out.

“I was a little surprised you left without me for school.”

“Oh, um, I guess I figured we'd drive separately.”

“You could have at least let me know before I waited for you,” he says, his eyes a little less sparkly now and a little more hurt.

“I'm sorry,” I say. “I guess I thought I mentioned it to you.”

“You kind of ran off Saturday night,” he says.

“Yeah, sorry,” I say, trying to keep my attention on my locker so I don't have to stare into his eyes anymore.

“And we need to come up with some time to talk about tutoring,” he says.

My stomach drops.

I'm supposed to be tutoring Kyle.

I am so conflicted.

Because on the one hand, it's not very professional of me to back out when I told him that I would help. I have my reputation as a peer tutor to uphold. On the other hand, there's a good chance that the girlfriend of the guy I'm supposed to be tutoring will kill me if I spend quality time with him.

I need to man up and talk to Ruby.

“So?” Kyle prods.

“Do you have something due soon?”

“I have that paper I told you about.”

“All right, we'll figure it out,” I promise.

But first I have to talk to your girlfriend.

I'm about to walk away, to eat my lunch alone in the student activity office and come up with a plan of action for talking to Ruby, but Kyle grabs my arm.

“And if you could maybe not tell anyone you're tutoring me?” he says, his voice crackling with nerves.

“Nobody knows you're having trouble?” I ask.

“Nobody but you, me, and Ms. Gupta.”

“Oh.”

Well, this just got a lot harder to deal with.

Ruby

I sneak up on Gideon because I know otherwise he might run away. But I need to talk to him. It's killing me not to talk to him about what I know.

I'm not gonna lie: the fact that he hasn't talked to me isn't helping his case. It makes me want to play with him, like a dog with a chew toy. It's not fair, but guess what? Life isn't fair. That's become very obvious to me lately.

Kyle told me that Gideon was heading in the direction of the student activity office last he saw him, so I make my way over there after I finish eating lunch.

When I get to the door of the office, I find Gideon sitting at the table in the center of the room, hunched over a sandwich and furiously writing in a composition notebook, like his whole life is a test.

“Knock, knock,” I say, instead of actually knocking.

He gasps a little when he sees me, but he keeps his composure and sits up straight, folding his hands in his lap.

“Hello, Ruby.”

“Hey.” I take a seat across from him. “I thought you might come find me today, or you know, at least text me back.”

“Um. Well.” He licks his lips and takes a deep breath. “I wasn't really sure what you expected me to say.”

“You're smart. I thought you'd figure something out.”

He cracks his knuckles. “Fine. What do you want from me?”

“What makes you think I want something from you?”

“I don't know. Your semi-threatening text, your ominous appearance in what I like to think of as my safe space. I don't know what to make of the situation. You basically know all my secrets. I'd like to know what you're planning on doing with your knowledge.” He swallows and stares at the table, like he's awaiting sentencing.

“It's just kind of funny, because recently I've noticed the way you look at Kyle.”

“And how is that?”

“Like you want him. Like you want to steal him from me.”

“The point of those lists wasn't that I wanted to ‘steal' him from you,” he says, making air quotes around the word.

“Then what was the point?”

“They were for me. I wanted to organize my thoughts and eventually find a way to get over him, since he's with you and he likes you. I don't want to come between you guys.”

I'm not sure how to respond. It feels like he's telling the truth, but that would mean he has absolutely no idea of how much power he truly holds over Kyle. Is he really that oblivious?

“Are you actually threatened by me?” he asks.

“No, Gideon, I'm not threatened by you,” I say, in the most bored voice I can muster.

“So you're not about to tell me to back off your man or something?”

“I'm not. He's your best friend. Wouldn't it look a little suspicious if you just suddenly stopped talking to him?”

“Yes, it would.” He folds his arms and sits back in the chair. “I guess I'm just not sure what the point of this conversation is.”

I probably should have had a better idea myself before I decided to challenge Gideon “King of the Forensics Team” Berko to a debate.

“I wanted to make sure we were on the same page.”

“What page, Ruby?” he asks, obviously getting annoyed.

“You're going to make me spell it out to you?”

“Are you blackmailing me? I don't get it. So yeah, you're going to have to spell it out to me. Because the way I see it, you're backed into a corner. I'm pretty sure you have it in you to tell the whole school that I like Kyle, but you realize that in doing so you would also out me. And I'm pretty sure that you're too good a person for that. So I don't know where that leaves us.”

I'm not sure what to say in response. I was going to make a few more thinly veiled threats about showing Kyle the lists, but he hit the nail on the head: I would never out him.

“So it's not like either of us has any power in the situation,” he concludes as he stands up and collects his belongings.

“Let me know if you come up with some way to blackmail me,” he says as he walks out the door.

I'm left sitting there with my jaw hanging open. I have no idea what I expected, but it was certainly not that.

Gideon

I'm shaking as I walk out of the office and leave Ruby in my wake.

When she walked in, I was working on the logic of the situation and realized that basically as long as I'm in the closet, I have all the power. Because there's no way she's going to out me. I believe that for a fact.

It's when I decide to come out that she could totally screw me. Those lists, particularly the one with all the mean things about Kyle, could really bite me in the ass. I would ask her to delete them, but I'm not sure how she would react.

But here's what I know for sure: I should probably avoid both of them for a little while. At least when they're together. And I should definitely avoid Ruby as much as humanly possible. It's the only option I see.

Of course, this is the week that Kyle decides to really turn on the charm. He's there every time I turn a corner; he's always saving the seat right next to him at lunch. I don't really know why he's doing it or what changed, but it makes me feel conspicuous. Like he and Ruby are concocting a plan together.

But no, Kyle would never do that.

The worst is on Tuesday, when he leaves a note in Elvish in my locker asking me when we can get together about tutoring. It's like a stab in the heart. I promise myself that I'll talk to him about it the next day.

By Friday at the latest.

Maybe I could go to his house this weekend when I'm certain Ruby's not around.

I wish I could understand when our friendship got so complicated.

 

ten

Kyle

On Wednesday when Ruby finds me after school, I can tell she's in a panic.

“I really need a huge favor from you,” she says.

“What's up?” I ask, putting my books in my locker.

“My mom was supposed to pick up Diana from dance class, and I was supposed to go watch David move up a belt at karate. But now she can't make it and they won't let the kids leave with just anyone after dance class. So would you maybe be willing to go watch David get his new belt while I run across town in the other direction to pick up Diana?” She says all this so fast that it actually takes me a good ten seconds to catch up with everything.

“Yes. I can totally do that.”

“Thank you so, so much,” she says, kissing me on the cheek. Then she tells me the karate ceremony is at the rec center and I need to get there by four. She trots off after that, and I stand there for a second watching her go.

When I turn around, Gideon's at his locker down at the other end of the hall, filling up his bag. Maybe if I catch him by surprise, he'll have no choice but to talk to me. It's been a weird week between us, and it's only half over.

“Hey, so I know we haven't hung out at all lately and I don't know if it's something I did or what, but do you want to go with me to watch Ruby's brother's karate ceremony thing? Like, where he gets a new belt?” I say this all in such a rush that I can't help but trip over my words and lose track of exactly what I want to say. But I hope Gideon understands.