Bed of Lies (42 page)

"No. It's not that. It's just... I never thought I'd come back here, much less stay," she admitted.

"Hey, it's October already. I'm not asking you to promise me anything except that you'll get us through the festival. In January, if we both want to talk about you staying... great. If not, no strings. Okay?"

"That's it?" she asked. "You don't want to see a resume or references?"

He shrugged. "Five years at Land's Department Store? My wife could practically support the whole chain, single-handedly. I know it's a first-class operation. This job's yours, if you want it."

He named a salary she thought was generous. He said she could take work home in the afternoons so she could be there for Peter when he got out of school, as long as the work got done.

Everything seemed to be falling into place in ways that life simply never had for her. It was terrifying in a way and oddly comforting in another.

She took the job.

* * *

Julie was waiting right there where he'd left her when he came back to the reception area. Without a word, she got to her feet and came to his side, taking his hand in hers and walking out into the sunshine with him.

He took a long, slow breath of the fresh, fall air, let the sunshine and her warm him through and through, and just kept walking. The urge to rush her off to her house, to her bed, was strong, and he knew she wouldn't offer up a word of protest, would give herself to him as willingly as ever.

Anything he needed right now. Her hand. Her love. Her understanding. Her faith. Her body, his for the asking. She hadn't gone anywhere.

Could he convince her to stay? Always? To stop running?

They walked on, and he took an ambling path in the general direction of her house. It wasn't even noon. They had a few precious hours to themselves before Peter got out of school, and he knew what he'd find in her arms.

He settled for pulling her into the shadows on the side of the ice-cream store, behind a huge, sprawling oak. He backed her up against the wall, and kissed her long and hard, pinning her to the wall with his body, lingering there over her lips with a patience he feared he'd seldom shown her before.

"That bad?" she asked, when he rested his forehead against hers and sighed.

"Well, they didn't try to lock me up on the spot," he said. "That's a plus."

She laughed. "Did you think they would?"

"I don't know, Julie. Like I said, it's a place I've never been before. Emotionally, I mean."

She stood there, letting him rest against her. She knew he wanted to kiss her again but thought they really needed to talk, and it was up to him to make that happen. But it was hard when her bed was waiting.

"She thinks we can work through this. That I'll be fine."

"There you go. Told you so."

"She said it's a struggle to hold all kinds of emotions in and to keep anyone from knowing how bad we feel, and it's usually much harder, much scarier than just... going ahead and letting ourselves feel those things we're fighting not to feel. Hard to believe, but... well, what do I know about any of this?" He shrugged. "How the hell did I end up in therapy?"

"Classic case of a dysfunctional family. You were probably doomed from the start."

He laughed then. "It never sounds so bad when I talk about it with you."

"That's because it's not, Zach. I mean, it's no fun, but it's something people know how to handle."

He hadn't seen it that way—as simply something that someone knew how to fix.

"You told her everything?" Julie asked.

"Yeah, I told her everything. She didn't even seem to be shocked."

"So, you're not the first person to ever feel this way?"

He took a breath, thinking it would take some getting used to, the way she saw inside him. Because that's exactly what he'd thought.

"Apparently, I'm not," he said, then grimaced, still getting used to the diagnosis. "She said it's a classic case of panic attacks."

Julie nodded, waiting, accepting. He really needed the acceptance right now.

"You'd think I would have figured it out, huh?" he said as easily as he could. "I had all the symptoms. One of the doctors I saw mentioned it, and I didn't even give it a second thought. I thought he was nuts. Me? Have something like that?"

"I guess it's not so easy when it's your own problem."

"Yeah."

At times he had thought he was dying, that his drastic physical reaction couldn't be a problem addressed by anyone other than a medical doctor.

"She doesn't think I'm a drunk, either," he said. "Just that I was using that, trying to self-medicate, to avoid the problem. She thinks if we deal with the problem, we'll stop the panic. Stop the panic, and I won't be tempted to drink. I never really wanted to drink before. I mean, it was okay, but not... I don't know. It just wasn't a big deal. So, one problem down. I hope."

"Good. So, you'll go talk to this nice lady for a while, and she'll do... whatever it is she does, and then you'll find a way to put this behind you and move on."

He nodded.

"Still having trouble believing it?" she asked.

"It shows?"

"Just a little. So, what now?"

"I promised my shrink I'd tell you... well, what I told you last night and what I just told you today. And that I'd tell my family. My mother is going to give me hell—"

"About needing help from a psychiatrist?"

"No, about thinking I was dying of some kind of mysterious heart problem and not telling her."

"You really thought you were dying?"

"When my heart felt like it was about to explode and I couldn't breathe? Yeah, I did. I was sure the problem was physical because... Well, it felt completely physical." He shook his head.

"So, now you know.

"About this, yeah." He looked worried again. "And you and me? What about you and me?"

"What about us? I have a job, by the way. I took it. Just until after Christmas. No promises either way after that. I probably won't have a house for long."

"Your parents have a preliminary hearing next week."

"Oh, goodie. Peter actually spoke to me voluntarily this morning, without a door between us."

"That's a step."

She nodded. "And this man who's at least half crazy proposed to me last night when we were in bed."

"Only half crazy?"

"Yeah. Of course, you know men. They'll say anything when they're in bed with a woman. Anything they think she wants to hear."

"You definitely did not want to hear it."

"No." She smiled up at him, and he'd been so close, nuzzling her cheek, kissing her lips, that he hadn't really looked at her. But she had tears in her eyes, which she was valiantly trying to hold back, and she looked troubled and happy at the same time. "It wasn't that. I just..."

"Need some time?"

"Yes. It's not about you or what you're going through. It's me. Can I have some time?"

"You can have anything you want, Julie," he promised, smoothing the pads of his thumbs across her closed eyes, brushing away the moisture there.

* * *

She went with Zach to his house, where his mother was waiting and his father soon appeared. Zach didn't want to have to do this more than once. She sat by his side and held his hand while he told his parents everything he hadn't said before.

His mother cried, and then, as Zach had predicted, got mad at him.

"I'm making a new rule for the family. Anybody ends up in the hospital, for any reason, I get to know about it. And not two months later. Promise me," she demanded.

"I promise, Mom," he said sincerely.

"They're absolutely sure there's nothing wrong with your heart?" his father asked.

Zach nodded. "In fact, they said it looked great, exactly the way you want it to look, except for beating so damned fast sometimes. But we know what that was now. People who have panic attacks often end up in the hospital, thinking they're having a heart attack. That's what the shrink told me today. But go ahead, ask Emma. I know you'll want to hear it from her."

"I do. I will," his mother said. "And you're not going anywhere until you start feeling better. I won't let you."

"No, I'm not going anywhere. Promise," he said, then looked over at Julie, squeezing her hand.

Zach's mother was finally satisfied and went into the kitchen, taking Julie with her, obviously wanting to give Zach and his dad some time alone. Once there, Rachel gave her a big hug. "I'm so glad you were there for him."

"Me, too," Julie said.

"I knew something was going on, and I knew it was bad. But I never imagined him off somewhere feeling so bad he thought he was dying."

"I know. It scared me, too, when he finally told me."

"Oh, my God, Julie." Rachel stood there, trying to let it sink in, getting more scared every minute, it seemed.

Julie was, too, honestly. She felt like everything he'd finally told her had been spinning around inside her head, ever since Zach showed up the night before. It was hard to take it all in. The drinking... that was really scary, especially to her. Feeling for herself his heart racing and seeing him gasping for breath, seeing the stark fear in his eyes. Him thinking he was dying—honestly and truly dying. She knew he had, because for a few really scary moments the night before, she had wondered if he was, too. She'd been moments away from calling 911 to come and try to save him.

Panic attacks?

Who knew they presented in such a physical way? That first night they'd spent together, she'd seen how agitated he was, how erratic, and had sensed something more was going on. But she never would have understood the full extent of it if he hadn't been there with her in the middle of one of his attacks.

No, not just one panic attack, she realized, now that she really thought about it.

Not just two, either.

Three.

In fact, every night they'd spent together...

Oh, God.

That was it. That was why he'd been with her, clinging to her, claiming he needed her so much.

He'd been in the middle of a panic attack every time.

That was where the intensity came from, the desperation, the wild neediness. It all made sense now. He wasn't desperate for her. He was desperate to drown out the panic, and apparently, sex worked.

"Julie?" Rachel's voice registered, but barely.

Zach had tried to tell her last night, and her mind had skipped over it completely as she'd tried to take in everything he was saying and make sense of it all.

"We did this before, Julie. It wasn't fair to you then, and it wouldn't be fair now."

"Oh, hell, when has life ever been fair to me?"

She hadn't realized what he was saying, not at all. Julie's knees went weak for a moment. She grabbed onto the countertop, and Rachel grabbed her, yelling for Zach and Sam.

It hurt so bad. It was as physical a thing as Zach's racing heart.

Who knew?

She'd tried so hard to protect herself from ever feeling this bad, from trusting anyone too much, from loving anyone, and here she was, nearly on her knees on the floor.

Zach's arms fastened hard around her, his gaze raking over her, concern on his beautiful face. "What happened? What's wrong?"

"For a minute, I thought she was going to pass out," Rachel said.

"No," Julie insisted. "I'm fine. I just... I'm fine."

"No, you're not," Zach insisted, lifting her into his arms and carrying her into the family room, where he laid her gently on the sofa and then sat by her side, his hand on the side of her face.

Julie closed her eyes, not willing to answer any of the questions she saw in his eyes and because the concern on his face hurt to see. He was concerned. He cared. She knew that. But then, he'd cared about her even when he was a boy.

It wasn't love.

It was fear and panic.

Deep down, she'd known that all along.

She'd just let herself forget in moments, because it was so damned tempting. He was. How he made her feel. The idea of having the love of someone like him, having him in her life forever.

Because this was the kind of man who, when he finally fell in love for real, would love forever.

Julie felt someone put a cool, damp cloth to her forehead, and turned her face into Zach's hand, tears pooling beneath her closed eyelids. He could be so tender with her, so sweet, so kind.

She felt him kiss her cheek, and then she felt his mouth near her ear, whispering urgently, "Julie? What is it? What's wrong?"

"I'm okay," she insisted, putting her hand over his as it cradled the side of her face. "I just got dizzy for a minute. It's been a crazy day."

"Honey, have you eaten anything today?" Rachel asked.

Julie frowned. She hadn't. It wasn't what was wrong, but it was a great excuse, and she latched onto it. "No, I didn't. I had my interview this morning, and then I was waiting for Zach to get done with his appointment, and... I didn't even think about it."