Beauty Queens (44 page)

“He had on more clothes,” Petra said.

Agent Jones put a finger to his mouth. “Agent Jones is gone. I am Man Flower.”

“Agent Jones,” Ladybird barked.

“Man Flower.”

“Agent Jones, I am trying to quiet the hideous screaming I feel inside just looking at you. It’s a shame that after all your years of dutiful service, you will not be able to partake in the pension plan. Not that it matters; we’re cutting that anyway.”

Agent Jones held Sinjin’s face in his hands. “I’m going to make balloon animals. People need balloon animals.”

“How right you are, strange delusional man,” Sinjin said.

MoMo shot at the ceiling and everyone jumped. “Where are my weapons?”

“Just relax, Peacock,” Ladybird snapped. “Are you wearing the special shoes I sent you?”

“Just as you requested, Ladybird.” MoMo hopped onto the conference room table where everyone could have a better view of his platform blue suede shoes. He executed a series of tricky dance steps.

Ladybird’s lips curled in distaste. “Was that necessary, MoMo?”

“Our love brings the dance fever. It is like the King, always and forever.”

“Well, maybe not, MoMo.” Ladybird repositioned a bobby pin and patted the pouf at the back of her head. “See, if I’m gonna be the leader of the free world, I can’t be seen canoodling with the crazy dictator of a country we’re about to go to war with.”

“What are you saying? We are not to be at war. I will let you have your little factory when we are married. But first, the weapons.”

“Mmm, not so much, Peacock. I thought of something better. You get framed for killing our girls. We kill you in response. Then we go to war with your country and set up shop without anybody regulatin’ or gettin’ in our hair. Oh, and I get elected president.”

“What … what are you saying, Ladybird? It’s like you are the devil in disguise.”

“Oh, MoMo. We had some swell times. And now, it is time for you to die.”

Ladybird turned a dial on her signature diamond watch. MoMo grimaced and grunted in pain.

“Electrical current. Tucked into the heels of those blue suede shoes I gave you for Christmas,” Ladybird explained.

“Acckkk! Gah!” MoMo’s body twisted into unnatural shapes as he moved around the room. He shook, convulsed, and finally fell to the floor, dead. Ladybird Hope sighed and readjusted her watch.

“Well,” she said, patting her hair. “He always did love to dance.”

Tiara glared at Ladybird. “You’re a D-E-W-S-H.”

Ladybird’s eyebrows knit together in concentration. “Do you mean
douche?”

“We never did cover spelling in Smart Class,” Adina said.

Jennifer marched toward the screen. “When The Corporation finds out what you’re doing, they are so going to drop you as a sponsor.”

“Listen, Little Orphan Lezzie, who do you think is puttin’ me in power? The presidency is now a Corporation-run business. And I intend to be Chairman of the Board. I’ve already got what I need — footage of ROC soldiers and an explosion. That’s what America will
see on
Barry Rex Live
in about ten minutes. America will demand justice. I’ll make that justice my campaign promise. There will be T-shirts — made in my factories, of course — to show support. They’ll have your faces on ’em and some neato phrase, like, ‘Because they never got to walk the runway of life.’” Ladybird sighed. “Unfortunately, none of you will be around to watch the show. Can you imagine what a great moment that will be when I, Ladybird Hope, the best Miss Teen Dream who ever lived, appear at the televised memorial and lay a crown on the memorial grave of the beauty queens? I’ll give a speech about how we cannot let your deaths have been in vain, and then, as a final tribute, I will play a moving cello solo. I’ll be back in the game. Shoot, I’ll
own
the game.”

“This is not a game,” Adina said.

Ladybird stopped filing. “Honey, everything’s a game. There are winners and losers. I am a winner. And you …” Ladybird pushed a button on her remote. Steel doors slammed down, sealing them inside. “… are the losers. Now, I’m real sorry to tell you this, but I’ve rigged the island to blow. See? The detonator is a remote and it’s right here in my God Bless America crystal flag pin. Course, I won’t be selling this particular pin on the Armchair Shopping Network.” Ladybird laughed. She snorted at the end like a corgi. “Oh. But I
am
giving you a countdown, ’cause that’s classy. Prepare to take your final walk on the runway, Teen Dreams. Rest assured you’ll be more famous in death than you’d ever have been in life. There’s a small comfort in that, isn’t there?”

“No. Not at all,” Adina said.

“Well. With an attitude like that, it’s no wonder you’re in this position.”

A disembodied woman’s voice came over the speaker system. “Commencing countdown to destruction in ten minutes. Nine fifty-nine. Nine fifty-eight. Nine fifty-seven …”

“Oops. Looks like it’s time for me to go on
Barry Rex Live
and break the news about your deaths to a frightened nation looking for
guidance. So long, Teen Dreamers.” Ladybird smiled and waved a stiff hand in a beauty queen salute. “Sorry you won’t go out pretty.”

The screen went dead.

“I am so not voting for her,” Tiara said.

“Nine thirty. Nine twenty-nine. Nine twenty-eight …”

Adina ran to the control panel embedded in a long desk beneath the TV screen. “There has to be some way to turn this thing off, right? Like a-a whatchamacallit… .”

“Off switch! Do-over button!” Miss Ohio said.

“Voice recognition software, maybe,” Shanti said, searching the control panel for some hint.

“One of those palm-reading things?” Jennifer offered. She and Sosie pushed buttons in random sequences, hoping for a detonation-stopping bingo.

“Eight fifty-one. Eight fifty …”

“Crap!” Adina said. “What’s the name of that thing that always stops the bomb in the movies?”

“Manual system override,” Agent Jones said dreamily.

The girls turned to him.

“Manual system override,” Nicole repeated.

“Mmm-hmm. Stops it.”

“Agent Jones,” Nicole asked carefully. “Do
you
know how to override the system manually?”

“Screw the system, man. You’re beautiful. I’m beautiful. This table is beautiful.”

“We are all beautiful. You know what would be most beautiful? Overriding the fucking system, asswipe!” Jennifer yelled.

Agent Jones frowned. “Men have feelings, too. You bruised the petals of my man flower.”

“Christ,” Jennifer hissed.

“Apologize,” he said.

“What? No way.”

“Apologize or no system override.”

“Jen …”

“This douche nozzle tried to kill us. A lot.”

“Apologize!” everyone screamed.

“Okay! I am sorry … Man Flower.”

The agent wrapped her in a big hug. “It’s PowerPoint.”

“I apologize, PowerPoint,” Jennifer said through lips crushed against Agent Jones’s chest.

“The system is PowerPoint only. Harris forgot to change it back. Let’s communicate with our fingers.”

“Agent Jones! So … we have to make a PowerPoint presentation to override the system?” Shanti slapped a hand to her forehead. “Are you kidding me?”

“Mmm-hmm. Pretty pictures and bullet points.” The agent sat, lotus-style, on the table.

“Oh, hey,” Nicole said, averting her eyes.

Shanti sat down at the computer. “We’re making a PowerPoint, Teen Dreams.”

“How’s it coming, Shanti?” a nervous Mary Lou asked six minutes later.

Shanti concentrated on the laptop. “Almost there.”

Tiara looked over her shoulder. “Ooh, put in the picture with the mountains. That one was so pretty.”

“Fifty-nine. Fifty-eight. Fifty-seven …”

“Less than a minute to go, Bollywood,” Nicole said.

“Hello! Well aware, thank you. ’Kay. Uploading now …”

Shanti pressed
PLAY
, and the PowerPoint presentation was in motion. It was an image of Ladybird Hope waving from a Corporation private plane.

Fun Facts About Ladybird Hope & The Corporation!

• Tried to kill us
  
• Kept rescuers from finding us
  
• Made secret arms deal with Republic of ChaCha
  
• Assassinated world leader
  
• Her pageant-wear line poorly made
  
• Again, tried to kill us
  

“Go to second screen!” Nicole said.

“Give it a second,” Shanti said. “I put it on slide show. That’s how we do it in IP.”

Two seconds later, an island scene came up.

“I picked that shot,” Tiara said, clapping. “Isn’t it pretty?”

There Is a Secret Corporation Compound!

• Polluting environment
  
• Harming animals
  
• Making weapons
  
• Avoiding taxes
  
• Forming secret alliances
  

“Twenty-eight. Twenty-seven. Twenty-six …”

“Come on, come on,” Adina pleaded softly.

A shot of Ladybird Hope and MoMo B. ChaCha in the heart-shaped hot tub appeared onscreen. Ladybird Hope had been caught midspeech. Her mouth was twisted and her eyes were half closed.

“Not her best,” Sinjin said. “Still. Total MILF. Paranoid and very wrong, but MILF.”

Ladybird Hope and The Peacock!

• Secret alliances = treason
  
• Illegal weapons sales = also treason
  
• Illegal campaign contributions = bad
  
• Human rights violations = super bad
  
• Killing defenseless Bambi = just plain mean
  
• Totally having sex in that hot tub = conflict of interest, unethical, unsanitary
  

“Nineteen. Eighteen. Seventeen. Sixteen …”

“It’s a whole new world of pretty
…” Agent Jones sang, rocking softly on the table.

Shanti glanced at him, then looked to the ceiling. “Please don’t let this be the way I die.”

The fourth and final panel was of Ladybird Hope smiling and waving between The Corporation’s logo and the White House.

America’s Presidency: Reality TV Show or Commodity?

The screen faded to black and the words
The End.

“Did it work?” Adina asked.

“Five. Four. Three. Two …”

They held their breath.

“Awesome PowerPoint! System override successful. Thank you. Have a productive day.”

The metal doors and shutters rolled open. They were free. The girls and pirates collapsed onto the floor in relief. Agent Jones hugged one of the ergonomically correct chairs. “I think you’re special. Do you think I’m special?”

A powerful rumble shook the room.

“What’s happening?” Tiara said, grabbing hold of George, who didn’t seem to mind.

Adina sat up, panicked. “I thought we overrode the system!”

“We did!” Shanti shouted.

“Then what’s that scary sound? Earthquake?” Miss Ohio asked.

Tane’s face was grim. “It’s the volcano.”

“The
dead
volcano?” Mary Lou’s eyes opened wide.

“Maybe the system override activated something?” Tane pointed to the monitor. On the screen, the volcano’s opening spewed smoke and ash.

Jennifer gaped at the image. “Whoa.”

“Holy shit!” Sosie said.

“Beautiful,” Agent Jones murmured.

“OMG,” Shanti gasped.

“Totally phallic,” Tiara said. “Oh. That means like a penis.”

“That means trouble,” Petra said. “The volcano, not the penis.”

“Thank God, luv,” Sinjin said.

“Give it a rest,” Adina muttered.

“What do we do now?” Nicole asked.

The ground shook, knocking Corporation graph charts from walls.

“Run!” Mary Lou shouted just as the alarm flared red and everything began to crumble.

Nicole had the sensation of floating in a gray-white haze. Fabio Testosterone called her name. Streamers fell from a ceiling. Cameras flashed. Girls in sashes clapped for her. The Miss Teen Dream theme song played under the audience’s thunderous applause. She dipped slightly and let last year’s winner place the crown on her head. It was surprisingly heavy. And then she was walking down a runway, roses cradled in her right arm. With her left arm, she waved and blew kisses. Down in the front row, her mother sat, looking proud and a little scared. She mouthed, “I love you,” and Nicole mouthed back, “Love you, too.”

Auntie Abeo was there. So were her father and her brother. Sherry Sparks nodded sagely as Nicole passed.
I did it. I won!
Nicole thought. But coming back up the runway, Nicole remembered strange things. A plane crash. An island. Fighting for survival. She remembered a red warning light and bolting down hallways as rivets popped and supersecret high-tech equipment tumbled from desks. Glass partitions shattered. Screams. Shouts of “This way! This way!” A strange man in a fig leaf pushing her and others toward safety. The ground trembling. A great roar of smoke and ash billowing from a volcano. An explosion. And then Nicole was tumbling through the air, head over heels. Now she was here, wherever here was, and everyone was clapping for her.

She remembered something else. Faces of other girls. Friends. The best friends of her life, perhaps. And now she saw them clearly. They waited just outside the open doorway of the auditorium beside
a painted school bus. A girl in a pink hoodie emblazoned with the word
Bollywood
across it and oversize shades, a small diamond in her nose. “Like, hello, are you coming or not, Colorado?”

Nicole still stood on the runway. But she wanted to follow the girl in the pink hoodie. So she stripped off her sash and tossed it into the crowd. Then she handed the crown to Sherry Sparks, who looked regal in it. “No thanks,” she said to the judges. She kicked off her heels and ran toward the promise of the open doorway. It seemed to her that she was not so much running as bobbing. Applause transformed into the swooshing of waves. Overhead, the sky brightened from night to early morning white haze.