Beautiful Things Never Last (26 page)

             
I push on his chest to shove him away, shattering the moment— maybe our last one.

             
“Where were you? I waited,” I say. 

             
Ben tightens his jaw and closes his eyes.

             
“I’m so sorry, I tried to get back here, I just, I was late to the airport and had to get the next flight, and the layover in Denver, Jesus Christ, I thought it’d never end—”

             
“I sat on the curb and waited, Ben. Carter had to come and pick me up.”

             
The mention of Carter’s name is like an ugly cloud floating above Ben and
me
. He and I just stand there, waiting for the rain to start and drown us.

             
Ben reaches for my arm, but I jerk it away. It feels foreign to pull away from him. Like my body doesn’t want to do it, but it has no choice. Like pulling away from a flame, because you know you’ll be burnt.

             
“I know you know,” he says, shifting his weight. “I can explain.”

             
“I don’t know if you can,” I say. “Did you go there to see her?”

             
I cross my arms across my chest, creating a barrier between Ben and I, trying to protect my heart. I don’t know how we got here.

             
“Yes.”

             
The simple answer drops off of his lips and suddenly, everything in our world is anything but simple.

             
“Why, Ben? What are you doing?” I am trying, I really am trying to wrap my mind around what possible explanation he can have that will make this all clear. But I can’t think of any scenario that I’m okay with.

             
“It’s not what you’re thinking. I went because she was in a bad place, she needed someone.”

             
“In Atlanta? That doesn’t even make any sense.” I shake my head. Does he think I’m an idiot?

             
“She’s sort of living with my parents,” he says.

             
Time stops. Reverses.
It’s two years earlier, and I’m driving to that asshole Mark’s house after my run-in with my dad’s barely-legal teenage mistress. I’m furious and hurt and I just want Ben to be there for me. But instead, he calls with the news that Caroline, his angelic ex that his mom adores is coming to stay with him. And nothing was the same after that.

             
“Wait, I’m sorry, Caroline is living with your parents?”
Is this real life?
“So, your ex can move into their house, but they made you choose between them and me?” It’s too much. Ben could have this great life, if he would have just walked away from me. But he didn’t. I can’t make sense of it. It doesn’t compute. “You
chose
me. And then went running back to her? I don’t understand.”
             
Silence.

             
“What happened
? Were you
with
her
?”

             
“It’s not like that.”

             
“That’s not a denial.”

             
He doesn’t reply. Maybe he doesn’t have a good answer. Maybe he’s thinking about the perfect way to explain, but my mind can’t seem to piece together where we went wrong. Was it because I left for Italy? He encouraged me. This isn’t fair. This is crazy.

             
I stare at Ben, who is kicking at the Berber carpet with the toe of his Chuck Taylor.
             
How did we get to the point where
I
feel like the sane one? Somehow, we ended up in this foreign place where Ben is the one standing here with wild, out
-
of
-
control eyes.
It used to be
me
that was causing pain. Setting fires that couldn’t be put out and walking away. I’ll be honest, it was easier that way. Because just looking at him is hard enough. And forgiving? Well, that feels completely out of the question right now. I want to ask him how he did it. You know, when the situation was reversed? How was he able to stash that pain aside and still want to be with me. Because I don’t think I’m that big of a person. Or strong enough. Or any of those good things that people aspire to be. I’m just a girl
who
was broken,
w
ho
’s barely had time to heal. And now, the pers
on that claims to love me most—
has just destroyed my world.
 
             
“Can you please stop doing that?” I finally break the silence.
Ben obediently steadies his foot.

             
“I can explain it all. Just please come here,” he says.

             
“Is this, like a payback thing? Because of Mark? We aren’t past that?”

             
“Christ, Quinn, it’s nothing like that. You’re the one that kept encouraging me to go home for Christmas! There isn’t anything between Caroline and
me
. She needed a friend—”
             
“Just say it. Just say that
she
needed you. That you couldn’t resist running to her rescue.”

             
His face falls, and his expression looks like I’ve hit the nail right on the head.

             
“I couldn’t get ahold of you while I was gone. This is why?”

             
“No. Just, give me a second. Linney—”
             
“Oh, fuck you and your stupid pet names.” I can’t help but bite with venom that spews over into my words.

             
“Caroline was having a rough time at home,” Ben says.

             
“Cry me a river.” The ‘old Quinn’ is front and center.

             
“Quinn, I didn’t go out there looking for a relationship with Caroline. She moved to a different state because she had a psychotic ex
bothering her
.
I mean, if you think about it, you
could
feel a little empathy for her after what Syd went through.”

             
“Don’t even bring Sydney into this.”

             
“You’re right, I’m not
. I just want you to understand.
I just went out there to be a friend to her.”

             
“I’m sure your mom loved that,” I say.

             
“Would you just stop? Just let me explain.” He pauses, and I sit back down on the sofa. He smartly takes the chair across from me, rather than next to me.  “The reason Caroline had been calling before you left was because she wanted to let me know that she’d moved in with my parents. She called after you’d left and we talked and she just wasn’t in a good place, Quinn. So, yeah, I flew out there to see her.
And
my family. Caroline and I talked, I spent Christmas with her and my parents, we sorted some things out, and it was good. But I thought about you the entire time, Quinn. And I love you and I missed you like crazy.”

             
“Just not enough to answer the phone when I called, right? Why were you so late? Why did you leave me sitting at the airport without a
call
?”

             
“Quinn—” He reaches for me again, but I slouch away from his touch.

             
“Are you still in love with her?”

             
“Quinn, don’t.”

             
“No, that’s a fair question. Answer it.”

             
He rubs his palm along the several
-
day
-
old scruff of his cheek. He hasn’t shaved in
days. Four
, I’d guess. Does Caroline know things like that? What Ben’s stubble looks like
day-to-day
when he doesn’t shave?

             
“No. I’m not in love with her. I’m in love with you. I love you. I want you.
Only you
.”

             
“Then why did you do this?”

             
“Nothing happened. I swear to you,
nothing
.”

             
The thing is, I mostly believe him. But he’s wrong. Something did happen. He planted doubt.  There was one thing that was always certain for me—and that was that I could trust him. And what he did, took that away.

             
“You disappeared. Wouldn’t answer my calls. Didn’t tell me where you were or when you’d be back. Because you were with your ex? You can’t undo that. If it was so innocent, why didn’t you at least tell me what was going on?”

             
“You’re right. I screwed up. But after what happened the last time Caroline came to stay with them…You were so far away, and I was worried about what you might do.
”

             
“There it is!” I jump up from the sofa and walk to the door. “I knew that was coming. Way to throw my mistakes in my face. Thanks for giving me
even
a little credit, Ben.”

             
“I didn’t mean it like that, shit! I don’t know what to say.  I just want us to be okay.”

             
I pull the door open.

             
“Well, we’re not. And you need to leave.”
             
“Quinn, can we just talk about this?” He keeps reaching for me, and I keep pulling back, each time, yanking the front door open wider and wider. He wants to touch me. Like that will be the cure for this toxic situation. But it won’t. It’ll only make me hurt worse.

             
“No. And I’ll tell you why. Because I can’t stand your face right now. Go stay with Carter. Run back to Caroline. I don’t care.
Just leave
.”