Beastly (18 page)

“Adrian, why are you… like this?”

“Like what?”

“Nothing.” She turned away. “I’m sorry.”

But I remembered my cover story. “I’ve always been like this. Am I too horrible to look at?” She didn’t say anything for a moment, didn’t look at me. For a minute, it seemed like we both forgot to breathe, and everything was ruined, ruined.

But finally, she said, “No.”

We breathed again.

“Your looks mean nothing to me,” she continued. “I’ve gotten used to them. You’ve been so kind to me, Adrian.”

I nodded. “I’m your friend.”

We stayed up there all afternoon and didn’t do a bit of studying. “I’ll ask Will to start late tomorrow,” I told Lindy. “I have pull.”

At the end of the day, Lindy removed the green dress and folded it back into its box. But that night, I snuck upstairs by moonlight and secretly carried the dress downstairs with me. I put it under my pillow.

The faint smell of her perfume was clear to my animal senses, and I remembered reading that smell is the sense most connected with memory. I slept with that dress by my face and dreamed of holding her, of having her want me to. It was impossible. She’d said I was her friend.

But the next morning, when Lindy came down to breakfast, her hair was down, brushed and gleaming. I smelled her perfume.

I began to hope.

3

Lindy’s room was two floors above mine. It made me restless knowing she was there, in the same house, asleep, alone. At night, I could almost feel her body, slipping between cool white sheets. I wanted to know each golden freckle on her skin. But now I was restless. My own sheets felt hot, sometimes sweaty, and itchy. I ached for her, lying in my bed, imagining her in hers. I went to sleep thinking of her, and woke soaking wet, sheets tangled around my legs. I imagined what it would be like to be tangled around her. I wanted to touch her. I’d seen her softness the day she’d tried on the dress. Somehow, I knew she would be soft enough to make up for me.

“I wish we could go to school together,” Lindy said one day when we’d finished studying. “I mean that you could go to my school, my old school.”

She was saying, I realized, that she still wanted to go, but she wanted to be with me too.

“Would I like it?” It was late afternoon. I’d opened the shutters – brazenly – and the light streamed across her hair, making it gold. I longed to touch it, but didn’t.

She thought about it. “Probably not. The kids there, they’re all rich and snotty. I didn’t fit in.” I had. It amazed me now. “What would your friends say if they saw someone like me there?”

“I didn’t have any friends.” She smiled. “But I’m sure some of the parents in the PTA would have problems with you.”

I laughed, imagining it. Of course, I knew exactly the parents she was talking about – certainly no one related to me, but there were parents who went to all the PTA meetings and volunteered at the school and just generally complained about stuff. They would care. I helped her gather her books. “‘I don’t want any beasts in school with my child!’ That’s what they’d say at the PTA meeting. ‘I pay good money for this school. You can’t let in riffraff.’”

She laughed. “Exactly.” She left her books on the table and started toward the greenhouse. It had become our daily routine. After our tutoring session was finished, we would have lunch, then read and discuss what we’d read – homework for people who never left home. Then we’d walk through the greenhouse, and she would help me with the watering and other work.

“We could start studying out here now that it’s cool,” I said.

“I’d like that.”

“Do you need any flowers?” I asked her this every day. If the blooms in her room had wilted, we picked some. It was the only gift I could give her, the only thing she wanted from me. I’d offered other gifts. She always said no.

“Yes, please. If you won’t miss them.”

“I’ll miss them. But it makes me happy to give them to you, Lindy, to have someone to give them to.”

She smiled. “I understand, Adrian.” We paused before a white tea rose. “I know what it is to be lonely. I’ve been lonely all my life, until…” She stopped.

“Until what?” I asked.

“Nothing. I forgot what I was going to say.”

I smiled. “All right. What color do you want this time? I think you had red last time, but the red ones don’t last, do they?”

She leaned forward, fingering a white rose. “You know, I had a huge crush on this guy at my school once.”

“Really?” Her words were an ice pick, and I wondered if it was anyone I knew. “What was he like?”

“Perfect.” She laughed. “The typical guy you’d have a crush on, I guess. Beautiful, popular. I thought he was smart too, but maybe I just wanted him to be smart. It bothered me that I could like someone just for his looks. You know how that is.”

I looked away so I couldn’t see my animal hand on the roses. Between the roses and her memories of this hot guy, I felt particularly hideous.

“It’s strange, though,” she said. “People make such a big deal about looks, but after a while, when you know someone, you don’t even notice anymore, do you? It’s just the way they look.”

“You think?” I edged closer, imagining what it would be like to trace the line of her ear with my clawed finger, smelling her hair. “So what was this guy’s name?”

“Kyle. Kyle Kingsbury. Isn’t that an incredible name? His father’s this big network anchor. I watch him sometimes and remember Kyle. They look just alike.”

I crossed my arms in front of me to hold in what I was feeling. “So you liked this Kyle guy because he was so great-looking and had a rich father and an incredible name?” She laughed, like she realized how shallow it sounded. “Well, not just that. He was so confident, fearless like I’m not. He spoke his mind. He didn’t know I existed, of course, except this one time… it was silly.”

“No. Tell me.” But I knew what she was going to say.

“I was helping out at a dance. I hated helping at dances. I felt stupid and poor, but it was…

encouraged if you were on scholarship. Anyway, he was there with his girlfriend – this completely evil girl named Sloane Hagen. I remember he’d gotten her a corsage – a glorious white rose.” She fingered the roses in front of her. “Sloane was having a hissy because it wasn’t an orchid, wasn’t expensive enough, I guess. But I remember thinking that if I could have a rose like that from a guy like Kyle Kingsbury, I’d be happy forever. And just as I was thinking that, he walked over and gave it to me.”

“Yeah?” I was about to choke.

She nodded. “I could tell he thought it was no big deal, but in my entire life, no one had ever given me a flower. Ever. I spent the whole night looking at it, the way its calyx cradled it like a tiny hand. It even had a little vial of water to keep it alive longer. And the scent – I took it home on the subway, smelling it the whole time, and pressed it in the pages of a book so I could remember it forever.”

“Do you still have it?”

She nodded. “In a book upstairs. I brought it with me. That Monday, I wanted to find Kyle, to thank him again for it, but he wasn’t in school. He’d gotten sick over the weekend and missed the rest of the year. Then he went to boarding school. I never saw him again.” She looked so sad, and I thought about how I would have laughed at her if she’d come up to me Monday and thanked me for giving her that old, broken rose. I’d have laughed in her face. For the first time, I was glad I hadn’t gone to school that Monday. Kendra had protected her from me.

“Should we pick some now?” I said.

“I love the roses you give me, Adrian.”

“Do you?”

She nodded. “I’ve never had beautiful things. It makes me sad to see them die, though. The yellow roses last the longest, but it’s still too short.”

“That’s why I built this greenhouse, so I could have them all year long. It’s never winter, even though there will soon be snow on the ground.”

“But I like winter. It’s almost Christmas. I miss being able to go outside and touch the snow.”

“I’m sorry, Lindy. I wish I could give you everything you want.” And I did. I’d tried so hard to make things perfect for her, bringing her roses and reading poetry. All handsome Kyle Kingsbury had to do to make her love him was walk on the planet being handsome. If she was trapped here with him, if she knew she was, she’d have been happy. But trapped here with me, she thought about him. Yet I would not have become my old self, with all that involved, even if I could. I could have lived like my father, who had nothing in his life but looks and money. I would have been unhappy but never known why.

If I hadn’t been transformed, I would never have known what I was missing.

Now, at least, I knew. If I stayed a beast forever, it was better than I had ever been before.

I took a clipper from my pocket, found the most perfect of the white roses, and handed it to her. I wanted to give her everything, even her freedom.

I love you, I thought.

But I didn’t say it. It was not that I feared she would laugh in my face. She was far too kind for that.

My fear was a greater one – that she wouldn’t say it back.

“She’ll never love me,” I said to Will, later in his room.

“Why do you say that? It’s been going so well. We have a wonderful time in class, and I can feel the chemistry between you.”

“That’s because it’s chemistry class. But she doesn’t want me. She wants a normal guy, someone who can take long walks in the snow with her, someone who can leave the house. I’m a monster. She wants someone human.”

Will gave Pilot a pat and whispered something to him. The dog came to me. Will said, “Adrian, I can assure you, you are more human than most people. You’ve changed a great deal.”

“But it’s not enough. I don’t look human. If I went outside, people would scream at the sight of me.

Looks matter to most people. That’s reality in the world.”

“Not my world.”

I petted Pilot. “I like your world, Will, but it doesn’t have a very big population. I’m going to let her go.”

“And you believe this is what she wants?”

“I believe she’s never going to love me, and…”

“What?”

“Do you know what it’s like, to want to touch someone so much and not be able to? If she’s never going to love me, I shouldn’t torment myself.”

Will sighed. “When will you tell her?”

“I don’t know.” My throat hurt almost too much to say the words. It would be unfair of me to ask her to visit. She might do it out of pity, but I’d had my chance to make her fall in love with me, and I’d failed. “But soon.”

“I’m letting her go,” I told Kendra in the mirror.

“What? Are you psycho?”

“No. I’m letting her go.”

“But why?”

“It’s not fair to keep her as my prisoner. She hasn’t done anything wrong. She should have freedom to do as she pleases, to have her own life, to walk around in the stupid, stinking snow.” I thought of this poster a girl I’d known had in her room – a picture of a butterfly with the words if you love something, set it free. Needless to say, I’d thought it was superdumb.

“Snow?” Kendra said. “You could take down the greenhouse and there’d be snow.”

“Yeah. She misses going outside in the real world.”

“This is your life, Kyle. It’s more important than –”

“Not Kyle, Adrian. And nothing’s more important to me than what she wants. I’m going to do it tonight at dinner.”

Kendra looked thoughtful. “This means you may never break the curse.”

“I know. I was never going to break it anyway.”

That night, I took my time brushing my hair and washing up for dinner. I heard Magda calling my name, but I still dawdled. I didn’t want to have dinner because it might be our last. I hoped Lindy would want to spend the night and leave in the morning, or better yet, take a few days to pack her things – the books and clothes and perfumes I’d bought her. What would I do if she left without them? They’d only remind me of her, like she’d died.

Of course, really, I really, really hoped she’d say, “Oh, no, Adrian, I couldn’t dream of leaving you.

I love you too much. But it was so sweet and unselfish of you to let me go that I think I’ll kiss you.” And then we’d kiss and the curse would be broken, and I’d have her forever. Which was what I really wanted, to be with her forever.

But I couldn’t hope for that.

“Adrian!” Magda was knocking. I was five minutes late.

“Come in.”

She came in in a rush. “Adrian. I have an idea.” I tried to smile. “You no have to let Miss Lindy go.

I think of how you can let her be more free, give her more everything she wants.”

“I can’t go out.” I thought of the girl at the Halloween party. “It’s impossible.”

“Not here,” she said. “But listen. I think of a way.”

“Magda, no.”

“You love her, no?”

“Yes, but it’s hopeless.”

“This girl needs love too. I see it.” She gestured for me to sit in a chair near the door. “You listen this once.”

4

Two days later, at four a.m., I waited downstairs while Magda woke Lindy and walked her to the door. It was dark, so I stared out the window since there was no one to see. Around us, the City that Never Sleeps slept. The streets were empty. It had snowed a little bit overnight, and the sidewalks were footprint free. Even the garbage trucks weren’t out yet.

“Where are we going?” Lindy said when she came downstairs.

“Trust me?” I held my breath for her answer. She had every reason not to trust me. I’d been her kidnapper, her captor, yet I’d rather have died than hurt a single hair on her head. I hoped that after five months of living with me, she knew that.

“Yes,” she said, seeming as surprised at the news as I was.

“We’re going someplace great. I think you’ll really like it.”

“Do I have to pack any bags?”

“I have everything you’ll need.”

Will arrived, and I walked Lindy around to the security entrance of our building. I held her wrist, but I didn’t use force. She was no longer my prisoner. If she ran, I would have let her go.

She didn’t run. My heart hoped that she didn’t run because she didn’t want to leave, but perhaps she simply didn’t know that I wouldn’t hold her. She followed my lead to the waiting limo.