Battle of the Network Zombies (27 page)

⁵⁴
Perfected after more mirror time than I care to admit. Beauty is work, people. The days of a little mascara and some lipstick are over.

⁵⁵
Thats when, not if.

⁵⁶
Yeah. Like you didnt know Id be possessive. Keep up. Seriously.

⁵⁷
Had I not devoured him in a parking garage.

⁵⁸
Theres something to be said about a stylish entrance, dont you think?

⁵⁹
What? Like you wouldnt.

⁶⁰
Ahem.

⁶¹
Didnt think so. I put up with an awful lot of gore in this afterlife, but manangals took the splatterfest to a whole other level. Just thinking about it makes me want to run for a bottle of Pepto and some therapy.

⁶²
Try it today!

⁶³
Well, maybe Pie-hole.

⁶⁴
Sorry. But if you are primarily interested in the thoughts of vampires or werewolves, Im sure your local bookseller could hook your ass up.

⁶⁵
Damn decomposition!

⁶⁶
This might be a good time to discuss the word fairy. Ive seen it written in a number of ways, fae, faerie, faery, even phaer-e (but that was the name of an alternative band that ended up joining a religious cult in Venezuela or somewhere).

⁶⁷
But you didnt hear that from me.

⁶⁸
Might as well. I mean, as long Im stickin it to the Catlickers. Thats Catholics for you slow fuckers. Note to self, send memoirs to the Moral Majority.

⁶⁹
Does anyone ever know?

⁷⁰
Cause, really. Whats the point of it, if no one knows youre judging. Its like that saying, if a tree falls in the woods and no ones there to hear it, does it even judge?

⁷¹
But thats a story for another time.

⁷²
I suspect thats the correct spelling in this context.

⁷³
Shut up.

⁷⁴
T.L.D.: Traditional Lesbian Do, as in, short for hairdo. Keep up, please.

⁷⁵
A note for my gays: please limit your pride accessories to rainbow windsocks and a single modest car sticker. Those stick figure families with my two dads? Those are like zombie menus: You dont get a free out from death just because youre marginalized. Sorry.

⁷⁶
An expression Wendys been perfecting for as long as Ive known her.

⁷⁷
Mutsuki: a Japanese diaper. I only know this because I refused to call them diapers on the few occasions Id surfed the brown waves of food intake. The word I chose, mutsuki.

*
or at least two of them

⁷⁸
Yet only Coolidge was gay. Funny how that happens.

⁷⁹
Also, how the hell did I get stuck in the backseat? Unforgiveable is what that is.

⁸⁰
Which they totally dont. But its funny to think about.

⁸¹
Heheh.

⁸²
And by grounded, I do mean buried alive. Im playing hardball. Children beware.

⁸³
If he could find it. Probably rolling around in my body somewhere like a chunk of coal and not the cute candy kind you shove in your kids stocking as a joke.

⁸⁴
But dont think Im going soft on the old bitch. Shes still got it comin to her. In spades or however that saying goes. You know what I mean. Lots.

⁸⁵
Cause that just wouldnt be sexy.

⁸⁶
How is it kids nowadays arent embarrassed by a thing like that? I would have been mortified to be caught flicking my switch.

⁸⁷
Dont you just hate it when I keep secrets from you? Well, tough. Secrets are a part of life. Besides, you dont want me to be totally honest with you, or to tell you everythingif I did, then youd have to hear the reason I no longer mention vaginal lubrication. And no one wants the details on that. I just tell myself its natural and think of soothing ocean waves and jungle waterfalls. Now let it go and keep reading. Im sure therell be something else to offend you coming up shortly. Move along.

⁸⁸
Midget bitches.

⁸⁹
Where do you even buy those anymore? Its not like shes a farmer.

⁹⁰
For the best, really, since it was just the setup for a brutal ribbing.

⁹¹
I knew this because occasionally, shed blurt out, six letters, third letter is a D, Lindsays definitely a lush, or Judy Garland could knock em back with the best of them. Twelve down.

⁹²
And if you dont, might I suggest buying my previous memoir
Happy Hour of the Damned
: on sale now, wherever it is pretty people buy books.

⁹³
Its what I have instead of heavy artillery. Some might say it IS heavy artillery.

⁹⁴
And I dont mean Pinot Noir. Though if you need to believe that to make it through the night, then run with it.

⁹⁵
As if I ever could.

⁹⁶
Yeah. That was a
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
(and not a
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
) reference. I dont care how much you drip for Johnny Depp, that re-make was an assault on childhoods everywhere.

⁹⁷
And if Samuel loved anything, it was a shard-spitting contest.

⁹⁸
Because Im sensitive to the needs of todays trannie shapeshifter as well as the cosmetically altered. Its not going away, people. I might as well make some money. Lord knows I could use some.

⁹⁹
And no, I dont expect you to bemoan my fashion budget. Were not at the crappy part yet.

¹⁰⁰
No. Unfortunately the name is not an ode to the fabulous breakfast treat establishment, but rather Donuts particular sexual proclivity. One Id rather leave to your own imagination. Ohwho am I kidding? Hes a chipper, a food fetishist. The kind that likes to dip (or dunk, if you will) their edibles into a fancy stretched-out ass (or donut). Gross, right? I blame you for making me tell.

¹⁰¹
That should come as no surprise to any of you.

¹⁰²
I know. I know. Fast food is bad for you.

¹⁰³
Shed be cursing herself later.

*
You didnt think Id miss a chance to veer dramatically from the actual story line, did you? Remember? I promised a fat-ass appendix, so here you go.

¹⁰⁴
Well, to be honest, Im not sure he missed them. He sure had fun darting his tongue in and out of the gap.

¹⁰⁵
Or he was good at his act. Either way.

¹⁰⁶
Or second cumming, for that matter.

¹⁰⁷
If you could call it that. Id call it an eternity.

¹⁰⁸
Oh yes, I did just make a Kris Kringle nose reference.

¹⁰⁹
And if you do count that, I have the number for a therapist Id recommend. Yes, there are a few left I havent eaten. I dont know why you have to get smart with me.

¹¹⁰
And I mean no BIG loss.

¹¹¹
So just shut up.

¹¹²
Suddenly isnt a word I use a lot, because I hate it. It implies an absence of forethought and poor planning. Bear in mind, Im a teenager in this flashback. I appreciate your leeway.