Battle of the Dum Diddys (4 page)

I ran up the two flights of stairs to my room. Their room is across the hall from mine. I could hear loud shouts and screams coming from inside.

Probably doing their Three Stooges act, I decided. Feenman and Crench love to kick and slap and head-butt each other and poke each other's eyes out. It's a total riot—especially if you like pain.

I pushed open the door and stepped inside their room. A blast of hot, steamy air hit my face. It's always hot in their room. The room used to be a closet.

“Whoa! I don't believe this!” I cried.

Feenman and Crench weren't poking and slapping each other. They were hunched over a laptop, staring at the screen. Crench frantically moved the mouse, clicking it again and again.

The shouts and cries came from the laptop.

“Give me a break,” I said, stepping up beside them. “What's up with this?”

Feenman raised a finger to his lips. “Shhhh. It's the Battle of Heartburnia.”

I gasped. “The WHAT??”

He shushed me again.

An armored knight on the screen had a long spear shoved through his chest. It went all the way through him and came out the other side.

 

“YOOOOWWWWWW!”

Feenman screamed, as if
he
was the one who got skewered.

“Bet that hurts,” I muttered.

Feenman held his chest, gasping for air.

“Want a Band-Aid?” I asked.

“Shhhh.” It was Crench's turn to shush me. He had his face right up against the screen. He clicked the mouse furiously. “Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha!” he screamed.

“We have to use our swords,” Feenman told me. “We don't have enough weapon points to buy fireballs.”

“We spent all our bubus on a horse,” Crench said.

 

CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK.

 

“You WHAT?” I cried. “Spent all your bubus? What's a bubu? Have you both gone nuts?”

 

CLICK-CLICKCLICKCLICK!

 

“Will you two
stop
?” I screamed.

They both spun around. But Crench kept clicking the mouse. I guess he couldn't stop his finger.

“We can't take a break in the middle of a battle,” Crench said. “Do you want our knights to lose the big wing-wang?”

“Stop talking baby talk!” I shouted. “You're starting
to scare me. I need you guys for a
real-life
emergency.”

Feenman scratched his head. “Real life?”

“We can't help you,” Crench said. “We're too busy. We're the Doo-Wah-Diddy Dragons.”

Feenman nodded. His hair fell over his face. He looked a lot better that way.

“The Doo-Wah-Diddy Dragons are battling the Knighty Knight Knights,” he said.

I pinched their cheeks. “You two are definitely Dum Diddys,” I said. “How can you waste your time on a stupid game?”

“Wungo Warriors isn't a game,” Crench said. “It's a battle to the death. If the Knighty Knight Knights win this Battle of Heartburnia, we'll have to pay a battle tax to the great Wungo Wango.”

I slapped my forehead. “Please—speak English! What's wrong with you two?”

 

CLICK-CLICK-CLICKCLICK.

 

“Listen to me, dudes,” I said. “Remember what I overheard in Upchuck's office? The inspectors are coming on Saturday, and they're going to shut down
the school. We've got to act fast. Don't you want to go to your next school with your pockets full of bubus?”

 

CLICK-CLICK-CLICK.

Okay. That didn't work. I decided to try a different approach.

“Don't you care about your school?” I asked. “Don't you have any
feeling
at all for this wonderful place? Don't you have any
heart
?”

They both turned away from the laptop and stared at me.

I put my arms around their shoulders. “We're good buddies, right?” I said. “And we've had wonderful times here. Great, great memories.” I let a few tears fall from my eyes.

“You okay, Bernie?” Feenman asked.

“I…I just can't believe our school could be gone in a few days,” I said. I let my voice tremble. “Don't you guys remember all the good times? Remember when Headmaster Upchuck fell into Pooper's Pond, and we had to pull a minnow out of his nose? Remember when Mrs. Heinie lost her glasses and
walked right into a bulldozer? Remember when the chef accidentally put poison ivy into the salad?”

“Good times,” Crench said.

“Yeah. Lotsa good memories,” Feenman said.

“Well, don't you want to cash in before the good memories are gone forever?” I asked.

 

CLICK-CLICK-CLICKCLICKCLICK!

Belzer came bobbing into the room. He flashed me his lopsided grin. I keep meaning to take my pliers and straighten his teeth for him. That's how much I care about my guys.

“Belzer,” I said, putting my arm around his shoulders. “These two guys have gone totally nutso. I'm glad to see you.”

Belzer blinked several times. “What was that about tinkling?” he asked.

“Forget about that,” I said. “Belzer, I've got two cases of Foamy Root Beer hidden under my bed. Pull
them out and carry them downstairs. We'll sell them to the second graders for three dollars a can.”

Belzer shook his head. “I can't, Big B.”

Huh? Belzer saying
no
?

“Why not?” I asked.

“I'm not Belzer,” he said. “I'm Prince Barfo of Barfolonia.”

Has EVERYONE gone NUTS???

I hurried back to my room. “YOWWWWW!” I tripped over the big trunk on the floor—and fell on my face.

I forgot about the trunk. The pageant costumes from Mrs. Twinkler were inside.

With a groan, I pulled myself to my feet. I had to find some dudes who wanted to lose money to Bernie B. I stuffed a deck of cards into my back pocket and hurried downstairs to search the dorm.

“Don't give up, Bernie,” I told myself. “You're the great Bernie B. You
can't
give up!”

You know the Bernie Bridges motto:
A quitter never wins, and a winner never gives back the bubus he's won.

My first stop was my buddy Chipmunk's room. Chipmunk is a good guy, but he's a little shy. His hobby is hiding under the bed and pretending he's invisible.

I knocked on Chipmunk's door. He's too shy to say “Come in.” So I barged right into the room.

He was hunched over his laptop.

“Yo, Chipper,” I said. “How's the Chip-Chip-Chipper?”

I stepped up beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. “I'm starting a new Go Fish tournament,”
I said. “Only five dollars to play. What do you say, Chipper?”

He grabbed my hand and shoved it away. “I'm not Chipmunk,” he said in a weird, deep voice. “I'm Merlo the Merciless!”

“Huh?
You
?
You're
merciless?” I cried. “Whoa, Chipmunk—”

“Merlo the Merciless spares no one!” he screamed. “I eat slabs of raw beef for breakfast! And I pick my teeth with human bones!”

I stared at him. This wasn't exactly the Chipmunk I knew. Was he
possessed
?

I lowered my eyes to his laptop screen. I saw a bunch of hooded dwarf creatures with green faces.

“The slaughter begins!” Chipmunk bellowed.

He
was
possessed. Everyone in the dorm was going berserko!

Shaking my head, I hurried back into the hall. Billy the Brain's room was next door. Billy is the biggest brainiac in school.

He's so smart, he can read his watch upside down!

The door was open. The lights were out. I poked my head in. “Billy? Are you here?”

Billy is so smart, he can read a book and chew gum at the same time.

“Billy? What's up, dude?” I called.

I saw him sitting between
two
computers. I slapped knuckles with him, and we did the secret Rotten House handshake.

“What's up with
two
computers?” I asked. “Does it help you do your homework twice as fast?”

“No way,” Billy said. He slapped his chest. “I'm Sir Fleabagge!” he shouted. “Knightly Knight of the Knighty Knight Knights.”

“Huh??”

He slapped his chest again. “And I'm battling
myself
,” he boomed. “As Grand Master Mister Buff Diddy of the Doo-Wah-Diddy Doodly Diddly Dibbly Dribbles!”

I swallowed hard. “But, Billy—why are you fighting
yourself
?” I asked.

He tapped his forehead. “Don't you get it? I
can't lose
! Even if I
kill
myself, I'm still a winner!”

I
told
you the dude is a genius.

Billy clicked his mouse a few times. Then he turned to me and started to sing:

He clicked some more, staring at both screens. He shouted and whooped for joy. Then he groaned a few times. A few more clicks, and he turned back to me and started to sing a different song:

“Very catchy,” I said.

 

CLICK-CLICK-CLICK.

 

“I like both battle songs,” Billy said. Then his eyes bulged as he stared at the screens. “Look out!” he shouted. “I'm in a battle to the
death
with myself now!”

 

CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK!

 

“Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha!”

“Ow! Ow! Owwwwww!”

I crept out and closed his door behind me. “I've gotta lie down,” I said. “I'm the only dude in the dorm who isn't NUTS!”

I never quit. You know my motto:
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, so cash in while you can, even if your school is going to close and every kid you know has lost his mind.

The deck of cards was burning a hole in my pocket. But finding someone to play cards with me was tough.

Here's how desperate I was. I tried Angel Goodeboy.

He's the sweetest, most adorable, most angelic dude in school. He has pictures of angels with shiny halos on the walls in his room. The girls are all crazy
about his dimpled cheeks and his blue eyes and his wavy, blond hair.

He's so totally sweet, he makes you want to hurl your lunch. But even angels like to play cards once in a while—don't they?

I knew I was in trouble when I stepped into his room and saw him at his laptop.

“I'm not Angel Goodeboy,” he boomed. “I'm the Death-Face Dungeon Master.”

“Cute,” I said.

Angel's eyes rolled around wildly in his head. He jumped up from his chair and began waving a fist in the air.

“Know what I like to do in my dungeon?” he shouted.

 

“CATCH! TRAP! DESTROY! WIN!”

What an angel!

“Guess you wouldn't be interested in a little card game?” I said.

 

“CATCH! TRAP! WIN!”

 

he screamed. He let out a roar and ripped the screen off his laptop.

“Nice talking to you. Catch you later,” I said.

Out on the Great Lawn, I saw Jennifer Ecch rumbling toward me. Jennifer is big and strong and husky and big and strong and husky. Get the picture? I call her Nightmare Girl because she's crazy in love with me.

How would
you
like to be in fourth grade and have a big and strong and husky girl plant smoochy kisses all over you and call you Buttercakes and
Honeyface? You'd hate it, right?

So, when I saw The Ecch walking toward me, I spun around and started to run. But, whoa. I stopped. I was desperate, remember?

I took a deep breath, turned, and walked right up to her. “Hi, Jen,” I said. “Would you like to play cards with your old Buttercakes Honeyface?”

I waited for her to say yes and then grab me tightly and plant loud, smoochy kisses all over my face. But she didn't do that.

“I'm not Jen!” she boomed, raising both fists in the air. “I'm the Doo-Wah-Diddy Dum Dum Diddy Princess!”

I slapped my forehead. “Not you, too!” I cried. “Okay. Would the
princess
like to play a few rounds of poker?”

“How DARE you!” she screamed. “I'm a Third Level Dum Diddy Dribble!” Then, before I could duck away, she grabbed me around the waist. She heaved me high over her shoulders—and slammed me down to the grass.

“
Nighty-night to all Knighty Knight Knights!”
she screamed. Then she took off, galloping away, kicking
up big clods of dirt as she ran.

Flat on the ground, I checked myself over. Only three or four broken bones. I should be okay. I pulled myself to my feet and limped away.