Battered Not Broken (39 page)

“But you agreed to be in his wedding.” It was a statement, not a question. The way he leveled his gaze at Ally as he spoke made her wonder whether he’d been brooding over the matter during the entire dinner.

“I didn’t know what else to do. He just keeps showing up, you know?”

Ryan leaned across the table, his gaze still locked with hers. “And you and your mother – you let him in. You agree to be a part of his life. And you endanger yourselves by accepting his presence in yours.”

“You make it sound simpler than it really is. You don’t know what he’s like. If we didn’t let him in, he’d stand on our doorstep until we did. He wouldn’t just go away. When he wants something, he’s persistent.”

“So?” A familiar tendon had popped up on the side of Ryan’s neck. “Look, I know he’s put you both in a tough situation, but you can’t just let him endanger you. He showed up at your house this morning with wounds from a knife fight. What if the person who gave him those wounds follows him here next time?”

“His injuries might have been from something else,” Ally protested. “My mother is just guessing.”

Ryan gave her a hard look. “Why are you defending him? Is this because of what we talked about – is it because you feel guilty over what he claims to have done for you? Because if it is—”

Ally recoiled as if she’d been slapped. “Stop it, Ryan. I don’t want to talk about that right now.” Or ever, really. It hadn’t been easy to share those things with him in the first place. “I just—”

“I’m just worried about you,” he said, reaching across the table with his good hand and seizing one of hers, wrapping her fingers in a tight embrace.

“It’s nice that you care, but what do you want me to do about it? This is my family – this is my life.”

“Come stay at my place,” he said, gripping her fingers a little more tightly. “You’ll be safe there.”

Surprise washed over her like a tidal wave. She hadn’t expected him to actually suggest a solution, let alone that. “Stay with you?”

He nodded. “For however long you need. Permanently, if you want to.”

The drawer space he’d granted her had been thrilling. So had the nights she’d spent there. But it wasn’t that simple. Unfortunately. “I can’t just up and leave my mother to deal with all this on her own.” Her mother wasn’t strong enough – not after what she’d been through already. She’d been separated from her husband and son for a long time. It was clear that she longed for her family so badly that she was already accepting Manny’s presence in her life, whatever the risk.

“I feel bad about your mother. But hell, Ally… I can’t just go home and leave you here knowing you might be hurt as a result of your brother’s decisions. How am I supposed to sleep at night?”

It wasn’t like she didn’t understand where he was coming from. “Maybe now you know how I felt when you were participating in Cameron’s events. Every fight was a risk you couldn’t afford to take, but you did it anyway. And you expected me to watch from outside the cage and cheer you on.”

He frowned. “That was different.”

“Yeah, it was different because your participation in those fights was strictly voluntary. I didn’t sign up for Manny to start coming around again. It just happened, and I’m doing my best to deal with it.”

“I couldn’t just not fight.”

“Why not?” After she’d found out about his TBI and the elevated risk each fight posed, it had been agonizing to watch him compete.

“Because… Fighting is the only damn thing I’m still good at. And besides you, it’s the only thing I give a damn about anymore. Giving it up would be like lying down and waiting to die.”

A twinge of something struck Ally’s heart. Guilt, sympathy, whatever – it hurt. “Never mind that now. You can’t fight with a cast on your arm.” Hopefully her relief wasn’t audible in her voice. “The point is, I can’t just leave my mother to stay safe and sound with you, as appealing as that sounds. Sorry.”

He was gripping her fingers more tightly than ever, nearly crushing them. “What about tonight? You could stay with me tonight, at least.”

“I have work tomorrow morning. And after seeing Manny hurt, I know my mother is upset. I should be with her tonight.” She couldn’t make her mother’s problems go away, but she could at least be there to offer support and share the experience. They could drink tea, maybe watch some TV – anything that would allow them to relax together. She and her mother had been leaning on each other for years, ever since her father had been arrested. She couldn’t back out now.

He finally let go of her hand and straightened in his seat. The tendon that popped up when he was angry was still there, a silent testament to his frustration.

She was sorry to see it, but what could she do? “I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I would if I could. I don’t take any pleasure in knowing that you’re worried.”

“Going down with the ship.”

“What?”

“That’s what you’re doing. Your family is a sinking ship, and you’re choosing to go down with it. You have a choice; you just won’t consider any other option.”

Ally bit down on nothing, her jaw aching faintly as she stared across the table at Ryan.

He met her gaze, a hard look to his eyes that made them shine. Beneath the gleam, they appeared … sad. And angry. Basically, a lot like she was feeling at the moment.

“You don’t understand.” She’d thought he would, even though he obviously didn’t have the same sort of relationship with his family that she did with hers. “My family isn’t like yours. Walking away isn’t an option.” Too late, she realized how what she’d just said had sounded.

The tendon in the side of his neck jumped, but he seemed to take it in stride. “I’m not asking you to walk away. I’m only asking you to stay the night at my place, where you’ll be safe.”

“I didn’t mean—” Someone moved in the corner of Ally’s vision, emerging from the hall that led to the bedrooms and bathroom. “Mamá.”

It was impossible to know how much she’d heard, but judging by her sad little frown and the wary look in her eyes, she’d heard something.

Ryan stood, pushing back his chair. “I was just leaving. Thanks for having me, Mrs. Rivera. Dinner was great.”

Ally abandoned her chair too, following him as he strode toward the door. “How are you going to get home?”

“In my car.”

“But you can’t drive. Do you want me to—”

“I can drive. I don’t need you to chauffer me.”

Her heart leapt as her gaze gravitated toward his right arm, the lower half of which was almost entirely encased in plaster. “With your arm—”

He opened the front door, admitting a blast of cold evening air. It went straight through her sweater, chilling her to the bone. He wore only a t-shirt – the easiest sort of garment to fit on the upper half of his body because of his cast – and had to be freezing. “Good night, Ally.”

Her stomach plummeted down to her toes. This wasn’t how she’d wanted the evening to go. Not at all. “Ryan…”

He met her gaze one last time, his eyes as blue and hard as sapphires. “Thanks for dinner. Goodnight.”

The door fell shut behind him as he walked the short distance to the curb and climbed into his car. Broken wrist or not, he drove away, down a darkening twilight street.

Ally’s heart beat to the roaring rhythm of the mustang’s engine as the tail lights faded into the evening blend of darkness and street light.

“Is everything okay?” Maria appeared in the living area, near the door.

No, it wasn’t. But no way was she going to spill the details of what had just transpired to her mother. It would only add to Maria’s stress, and succinctly describing her and Ryan’s relationship was beyond Ally’s capabilities anyway. “Ryan’s just worried about me. You know, because of Manny.”

Maria lowered her gaze, still wearing the sad little frown that seemed to have become her trademark expression of late.

“Do you want to watch a movie or something?” Ally let her gaze flicker in the direction of the TV. She couldn’t have been less interested in the prospect, but she needed to do something besides stand there in a bubble of regret and frustration as she stared at the place where Ryan’s mustang had been. “I could make some tea.”

“Okay. What movie do you want to watch?”

“You choose.”

Ally put on a kettle full of hot water and pulled a box of chamomile tea bags from the cupboard, rinsing out her and her mother’s coffee cups.

Ryan’s mug remained on the table, a thin ring of black coffee dregs at the bottom. She picked it up, imagining that faint traces of heat remained on the handle, remnants of his touch. Stupid, and it didn’t even make her feel any better. If anything, she felt worse. And it was inevitable that a thousand more pangs of regret like the one she’d just experienced would assail her throughout the night, prompting her to wonder exactly when the night had gone wrong.

They’d had dinner, cake and coffee and then he’d asked her to do something impossible. What could she have done – what could she possibly have said that would have led to a different outcome to the night?

Maybe nothing. Sometimes, life just put people in situations that they couldn’t talk their way out of.

“There are a few movies about to start,” Maria called over the buzz of the TV. “What would you rather watch – a comedy or a drama?”

“Comedy,” Ally called back, but not because she thought anything would be able to make her laugh that night. It would just be easy to tune out in front of a funny movie.

“Okay. Starting in five minutes.”

The teakettle let out a shrill whistle, as if on cue.

Ally turned off the stove burner. When she poured the boiling water into the two cups she’d prepared, fragrant steam rose and whirled in transparent clouds. The heat and scent of chamomile might have been comforting if she hadn’t been thinking of Ryan and worrying about his drive home.

She could call him later that night to make sure he’d made it home safely. She’d gone with him to pick up a cheap new phone earlier that day, and his number hadn’t changed. What else would she say, though? Their night had turned sour over an impasse, and the truth was that there was nothing she could do about it. Her life was what it was, and their argument had emphasized the inherent difficulties of two lives beginning to merge together.

* * * * *

It would be a relief when the long summer nights returned again. For now, the sunset always seemed to come early, bathing the streets in dusk that darkened Ally and Maria’s walk home from work. They’d stayed a little later than usual because a client’s coloring job had ended up taking longer than expected. The difference showed in the sky, which was a pale purple color beyond the yellow glare of streetlights. Pretty, but cold. Ally zipped her jacket up as far as it would go.

“I heard you talking to Ryan last night.”

“What?” Ally abandoned her usual habit of looking straight ahead and sought her mother’s gaze instead. Her stomach gave a guilty little lurch as their eyes met. She’d known that her mother had overheard at least part of her and Ryan’s conversation at the dinner table the night before, but she hadn’t planned to bring it up.

“I heard him ask you to stay with him.”

“Oh.” Ally bit down lightly on her inner lip. “You heard me tell him no, right?”

Maria nodded. The ends of her colorful scarf fluttered in a breeze that blew down the street, whistling over the sidewalk and the sides of brick buildings. “Yes. But maybe you shouldn’t have.”

Ally shook her head. “Mamá, I’m not going to leave you to go stay with Ryan. Please, don’t worry about the conversation. I’m sorry you overheard it.” She mentally cursed herself for allowing the exchange to take place where her mother had been bound to hear at least part of it.