Battered Not Broken (30 page)

“I know he put the guy in the hospital for a while, but I’m not sure, exactly.” Not badly enough to keep the guy from returning a few months later, back for drugs like a dog returning to its vomit.

“My father had some previous charges, though. They were drug-related, but it’s not how it sounds.” She checked Ryan’s expression, relieved to find that he didn’t appear shocked or disgusted.

“Carlos, my father’s older brother, has been involved in criminal and gang activity ever since my father was a kid. He harassed and threatened him into participating in things when he was a teenager. Their father had died years before, which left Carlos as the man of the house. At that age, my father didn’t have much of a choice.”

Ryan nodded, still gripping the counter.

As always, Ally’s heart sank as she thought of her father – kind and hard-working, but tainted by the life his brother had forced him to sample as a teenager. He even wore the marks on his skin – several gangster-style tattoos marred his chest, back and one bicep. Ally had only seen them a few times. He’d hated them and had always taken care to cover them with clothing.

“Those charges came back to bite him in the ass almost two decades later when he was arrested for attacking my rapist. Since he’d been charged before for drug-related crimes and is Carlos’ brother, they assumed he was still involved in gang and drug activity. The man who’d raped me was from an affluent family. Overall, it looked terrible for my father. The police called it gang violence and because of my father’s mistakes as a teen and Carlos’ reputation, the judge believed them.”

Ryan was silent for a few moments, his jaw still clenched and the tendon in his neck signaling his anger. “I still don’t get why your brother thinks you owe him.”

She’d all but forgotten that that had been what she’d originally meant to explain. “My father didn’t succeed in killing my rapist, but Manny did. He purposely ran the man over with a car a few months later. I didn’t know that until he told me last night. I thought it was an accident that he’d been killed.”

“So, because he avenged you without your asking or permission, he expects you to allow him to endanger you with his lifestyle for the sake of his pride? That’s shitty.”

That about summed it up. Except… “You’re right. But now that I know what really happened, I can’t help but feel guilty.”

“Why would you feel guilty?”

“Because killing that man was Manny’s first serious crime, as far as I know. That was around the time he joined Casa de Ladrillos, and Carlos helped him do it – Manny told me that he used Carlos’ car. I can’t help but wonder if he would’ve joined if it wasn’t for me. I’m afraid Carlos used the promise of revenge to lure him in and manipulate him.”

Ryan crossed the short distance between them, leaving his glass behind on the counter as he approached her. “Even if he did, it’s not your fault. You didn’t cause it and you couldn’t have prevented it. If Manny really killed to protect you, then he’s fucking it all away now by bothering you. Being around someone like him isn’t safe for anybody. If he really wanted to keep you safe, he’d leave you alone.”

“Yeah.” It made sense. “I’m not saying he’s not selfish. But when I look at the whole picture, starting six years ago all the way up ‘till now, it doesn’t seem as black and white as it used to.”

Now there were dozens of shades of grey, each one presenting her with a different
what if
. One in particular kept cropping up in her mind, haunting her – what if she’d never been raped in the first place? Her father wouldn’t be in prison, and with him present, Manny probably never would’ve fallen prey to Carlos. Basically, her family would be whole and unharmed.

If only she’d had a clue how to fight back then, maybe she would’ve been able to escape. She’d learned things since then – lots of things. How to hit someone where it hurt, how to protect herself to the best of her ability. All that was good to know, but it couldn’t change the past.

And even the passage of half a dozen years hadn’t filled in the hole deep inside her, the one beneath all the layers of strength and affirmation that it wasn’t her fault, that she was a survivor, not a victim. On the rare occasions when she really let herself think about what had happened, it still made her skin crawl.

 She hated what that man had done to her, what he’d taken from her. And the reality of what had happened would always be there, looming behind her like a brick wall that wouldn’t come down. She refused to allow it to stop her from living her life, but that didn’t mean that she didn’t regret what had happened so hard that she ached, sometimes.

“Nothing’s black and white, but some things are right and some things are wrong,” Ryan said, bringing her back to the present. He still looked like a little provocation would be all he needed to kill someone. “The position your brother is putting you and your mother in is wrong. So tell me…” He reached out and gripped one of her hands. “Is there anything I can do?”

She thought of the clumsy, spur of the moment efforts she’d made when Ryan had fallen sick on their first date and she’d tried her best to take care of him, not fully understanding what was going on. “No.” If he tried to help, it would be like that – he would want to make her feel better, but beneath the sentiment her true problem would remain.

 Manny was a problem she couldn’t soothe or magic away. A part of her life, however unwelcome. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do.” Manny was violent, a criminal – not the sort of person you simply asked someone to help you with. Not if you cared about them, anyway.

“What are you going to do then, about him coming around?”

She shook her head. “Right now, I don’t know. My head is still spinning from last night.”

“Well, you’re welcome here any time. If your brother bothers you, or you just want to get away and stay somewhere he’s absolutely not welcome, for however long.”

“Thanks. That means a lot.” More than she could wrap her mind around at the moment, actually. “But it’s not like I can just pick up and leave whenever things get tough. I have mamá. I think this is even harder on her than it is for me. She was really strong when all that stuff happened years ago, but it’s been a long time, and those years have taken a toll on her. No mother really wants to be estranged from her son, anyway.”

“I understand. But remember my offer. Any time.”

She nodded, reaching for her glass. She’d told him… Now what? She hardly tasted the juice’s acidic tang as she took a sip. When she put the glass down, she met his eyes.

His expression was still more tense than usual, and a little of the shadow that had made his eyes appear so dark lingered. But she could still see hints of lighter blues, and when she looked closely, the orange-gold rings that shone around his pupils like the edges of the sun peeking from around the moon’s dark body during an eclipse.

“Do you want to watch that movie?”

“Sure.” She rose from the table, feeling a little lighter. She’d brought the DVD along as more of a prop than something she’d actually expected to use, but the idea of an excuse to settle down on the couch with him and simply relax was unexpectedly appealing.

She sank onto the couch and he joined her after putting the disc into the DVD player. As the previews started, he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close – too close to remain simply sitting.

She leaned into him, letting her head rest against his shoulder. His body heat seemed to radiate into her, and for the first time since the night before, her thoughts began to slow, losing their manic edge. The knots in her stomach slowly unraveled and were replaced by warmth that started in her core and radiated out into the rest of her body, taking her by surprise. When she looked up at Ryan, temporarily tuning out the movie she’d seen a dozen times already, he looked back.

His lips had only begun to heal from the damage they’d sustained two nights ago. Still, he pressed them to hers, crushing her mouth with a kiss that made her forget everything that had happened and everything they’d talked about. The searing moments that passed before their lips parted banished the last of the tension from her muscles. When the kiss ended, his heat remained on her lips like a light in the darkness, reminding her what happiness felt like.

* * * * *

Ally’s thighs quivered as she lay on her side, her gaze traveling along the hard lines and subtle contours of Ryan’s torso, from his shoulders to the V of muscle that angled toward his half-hard cock. Her pussy drew a little tighter at the sight of it, her body reacting to the memory of its recent presence inside her.

It was twilight already on Wednesday. They’d both worked that day and had to be up early again the next morning, but relegating their time together to weekends only had quickly become unfathomable.

 Her body buzzed with the satisfaction of being loved by his and she chose to linger in bed, admiring him because she could and because it extended her pleasure, filling her with fresh desire that was just strong enough to have her thinking about the next time while she rested from the last.

He seemed relaxed, too – or at least, as relaxed as his hard body could get. His muscles still stood in perfect relief as he lay on his back, the short fringe of his bangs mussed. The wound he’d sustained when he’d hit his head on the counter almost two weeks ago was a narrow, bright pink stripe at his hairline, no longer requiring a bandage. She reached for it absent-mindedly, suddenly compelled to feel the smooth surface of his healed skin for herself.

Her fingertips had barely brushed his forehead when a melodic beeping interrupted the silence, the sort of generic ringtone usually associated with new phones that the owner hadn’t bothered to program to their preferences yet.

Ryan rolled over onto his side, reaching over the edge of the bed and fishing his discarded jeans from the floor. After pulling his phone from a pocket, he glanced at the number on the screen and opted to answer it.

“Hey.” His pose gave her a perfect view of his back and the ink that spanned it.

She let her gaze wander over the starkly-intricate black knots and the words that spanned his shoulders.
Semper Fidelis
. The phrase fit nicely across his body and blended into knots that begged to be traced. If she started, she’d never finish. The pattern was too complex, his skin too tempting.

“No, I’ve got plans already. Yeah. Sorry.” He apologized, but there was no real note of regret in his voice.

“What?” His tone changed a short while later. He didn’t move, but his muscles tensed, causing his inked skin to shift slightly, interrupting Ally’s careful study of its patterns.

“No,” he said after a while. “All right. No, that’s fine.” But the tension didn’t go out of his shoulders or back, and the conversation didn’t last much longer. “Maybe another time.”

“Is everything okay?” she asked as he dropped his phone, carelessly letting it bounce on the carpeted floor.

“Yeah. That was an old friend. He’s stationed at Quantico now, not too far from here. He wanted me to get together with him on Friday.”

“And you declined?”

“I’ve got the fight on Friday.”

As if she’d forgotten. It was obviously too much to hope that he’d simply skip the event in order to meet up with his friend, but a pang of disappointment shot through her anyway. “Maybe another time, like the Friday after this one?” It was worth a try. If he could be talked into skipping even one of Cameron’s events, that would be something.

“Yeah. I don’t know.” His expression was impassive as he sank onto the bed again, looking more tired than before.

“Your friend in Quantico – he’s a marine, right?” Her imagination wandered as she tried to envision the men that had been his brothers in arms and what he’d looked like among them.

He nodded. “We used to be in the same unit.”

“Do you still hang out often?” He’d never really mentioned any friends to her. He occasionally spoke about co-workers in passing, but usually only to relay a restaurant recommendation. And he’d been spending every weekend and many of his weeknights with her. Was she taking up the time he’d used to spend with his friend?