Bamboo and Lace (25 page)

“What if Bailey's need had been an emergency?”

“Then she wouldn't have even asked about intruding. She would have come in and stated her need.”

This was clear to Lily now, but a moment ago she had still been in the dark.

“Are you going for a run in the morning?” Gabe asked.

“If I wake early, yes.”

“When do you not wake early?” Gabe teased a little.

Lily smiled. “Now that you mention it, I can't remember the last time.”

“Maybe I'll be up and go with you.”

“Okay.”

“And then we have a golf lesson.”

“Oh, that's right,” Lily managed to say, keeping all disappointment out of her eyes.

Gabe thought he might have seen something, but believing Lily had had enough for one evening, he said nothing more.

They parted company just moments later. Lily walked to her room, thinking about Gabe's request that she complain. She knew that was not what he had literally meant. He wanted her to be herself, stating her preferences, and saying what was on her mind.

I can't do that, Gabe,
Lily's heart said once she was behind her own closed door.
You want me to be who I am, and I think this is it. I can't tell you what I feel deep inside. It's just not allowed. I can't even tell you that as much as I want to learn to golf, Bailey was going to take me to the grocery store tomorrow, and I've never been to one.

Chapter Fourteen

Gabe could not sleep. He felt that he had handled things all wrong with Lily. He wanted her to be wide open with him, but in a way he still had control over her. And did she actually understand what he had meant? Did she realize that he wasn't looking for a complaining shrew but a person who could speak her mind? He knew that she would never turn into a harridan, but the thought of never being able to share what you had on your heart was very painful to him.

Even David cried out to God from the depths of his heart, Gabe reasoned. Often in the Psalms David began by asking God if He had forgotten him, or why He had even let him be born. But David always ended his prayer with praise for his Creator and recognition of God's mighty power and love.

Gabe had learned to speak all the thoughts of his heart to the Lord when he was too sick to speak or utter a sound. Maybe Lily was able to be that open with the Lord too. But as soon as Gabe had been better, he had also been surrounded by family and friends who were willing to listen. At this moment, Gabe was asking himself whether Lily was able to talk even to Jeff or her father.

Thoughts of Jeff took Gabe's mind in another direction. Evan had told him to call Jeff, but he didn't know if he could do that. The thought of verbalizing to Jeff his changing feelings toward Lily—even on the phone—was a little too hard to imagine.

Nevertheless…

Gabe got up quietly and left his room. He padded his way through the dark and quiet house until he was at his sister's desk. He knew where she kept her writing supplies. It would have been easier to type it on his computer, but he didn't want to go over to the office at this hour.

The letter began
Dear Jeff,
and continued,

I would like you to call me when you get this, but not until you feel the time is right. I wanted to call you, but as close as we are, I feel awkward on this one. The truth is, my feelings toward Lily are changing. Because of our close relationship, I have cared for her as your sister for many years—as I do your father—but not until I had a chance to be a part of Lily's world did I realize how special she is.

But here are my numerous dilemmas. First of all, you. How do you feel about what I've just admitted? Second, your father. What would he have to say if he knew? After that it gets worse. What if I find myself in love alone? And now the worst yet. What if I get close to Lily and she falls for me, but I find she's not the one? The thought of hurting her is more than I can bear. Maybe that feeling alone should tell me she's the one, but as you can see, I am a mess!

When the time is right, Jeff, please call. If Lily is standing at my elbow, clearly we won't be able to talk of this, but I need to know your heart, and as best you can figure, your father's heart.

I just realized that all of this leaves Lily out of the mix. Well, if she learns of my feelings and doesn't share them, at least she'll be back in Kashien and I won't have to face her every day. If I am the only one harmed, I'll deal with it. As you know, I'm not a stranger to pain, but Lily must not be hurt—not by me or the disapproval of her family.

Again, I await your call, Jeff. I don't need to say it, but I will anyway: We're brothers of the heart, and we must never let anything change that.

Love,
Gabe

By the time Gabe got back into bed, it was quite late and he was finally tired. He opted not to set his alarm—something he would be forced to do all too soon. As late as the hour was, he knew he would never be out of bed to run with Lily.

But maybe that's for the best,
he told the Lord, turning on his side to get comfortable.
Maybe she needs her space after the way I handled things in the kitchen tonight.

Lily was up early, but there was no sign of Gabe. She didn't wait for him but made her way to the beach and began a slow run. The morning was beautiful, and in no time at all Scripture passages about God's goodness and His creation were coming to her mind.

Right now Lily was translating the book of Genesis into Kashienese. Because of that, she had more than half the book memorized, so it was at times like this that she liked to start with the first verse and go down through the order of creation, thinking about when everything would have been new: the gathering of the waters, the dry land and mountains appearing, the sea and air teaming with life.

But that wasn't Your greatest accomplishment, was it, Lord?
Lily prayed, thinking that the intricacies of the human body were beyond compare.

Lily took some time to thank God for her strong limbs and stamina. She picked up the pace, loving the feeling of heat emanating from her body and the way her heart beat faster. She pushed herself some ways down the beach but then realized she hadn't been this far before. Slowing her pace so she could take in the morning, Lily jogged along easily, her mind going to Proverbs 8, where God's Word stated that wisdom was even older than creation. It was one of Lily's favorite chapters from Proverbs because from the twelfth verse on, it was as though Wisdom herself was speaking. Right then verses 22 and 23 came to Lily's mind.

“The Lord possessed me at the beginning of His way, before His works of old. From everlasting I was established, from the beginning, from the earliest times of the earth.”

I need that wisdom, Lord,
Lily's heart went on.
There's so much I don't know, so much is still new. I want to be able to tell my father that I worked hard, but the time is drawing to a close, and I still want time to relax with Jeff and not have to be so studious. But that doesn't change the fact that it's all so new and different.

Lily was barely aware of coming to a stop, but she was no longer running. Her eyes were on the waves that lapped onto the shore. For a time she watched the rhythm and order of the water, and when she prayed this time, she whispered in the wind.

“You're so huge and brilliant. You can make perfect waves come onto the shore. My heart can only imagine what treasures of creation lie within the waters themselves. I wasn't praying to You earlier; I was fretting. Help me, Father. Help me to be strong and do what I'm told to do. And whatever each day presents, help me to be thankful and work my hardest.”

It felt good to start running again. It helped clear Lily's mind and show her that she didn't have to be in control. She had a God who could handle it all.

It was a small thing, really, but Lily's heart was telling her differently. Her thoughts from the beach that morning were far from her as she sat in Gabe's car. He was driving them to the golf
course. He even had two sets of clubs in the back.

Lily wanted to learn to golf—she truly did. Jeff knew how to play and would be proud of her, but doing this today meant forfeiting something else.

“Oh, there goes Bailey,” Gabe said conversationally. Unbeknownst to Lily, the other vehicle had been close behind them all along. Not able to hide her interest, Lily's head turned so fast that she nearly hurt herself, but Bailey passed with only a honk and sped on her way. Lily had at least hoped for a glimpse of something more. It had cost Lily much to tell the other woman that she couldn't go with her, but she had done it. Her heart aching over what she must be missing, she suddenly realized all was not lost.

“Gabe, may I ask you a question?”

“Certainly.”

“How often does Bailey go to the grocery store?”

“Like she is today, to the big market, only once a month.”

“So she'll buy a lot all at one time?”

“Correct.”

“And the store will have enough?”

“Yes,” Gabe answered slowly, even as bells began to go off in his mind.

“Is it a large store then?” Lily asked next.

Gabe assured her that it was, even as he took a side street just a quarter mile up the road, one that would swing them back the way they had come without being too obvious.

“And will the children be able to stay with her in the store?”

“Yes. She'll get a basket that has wheels under it, and there will be a place for CeCe to ride. Pete will walk and help her with things on the shelves.”

“There are shelves?”

“Many of them,” Gabe said, now maneuvering through town. He waited for Lily to comment on the location, as it wasn't conducive to a golf course, but it didn't happen. A few minutes later he pulled into a parking space at the grocery store, cut the engine, and turned slightly to watch his passenger. For this reason Gabe saw the exact moment it all hit her.

Lily took in the large store, the smattering of shopping carts in the parking lot, and signs in the windows proclaiming items on sale, and at the same moment she felt Gabe's eyes on her. With a hand to her face, she spoke.

“Please don't make me look at you, Gabe, please.”

The plea tore at Gabe's soul, even as he answered.

“That's fine, Lily, but I need to talk with you. I need to tell you how easy it can be.”

Lily wanted to shake her head, but she only sat and stared straight ahead, too mortified to move.

“All you needed to say to me was that you wanted to join Bailey when she went grocery shopping. We could have golfed another time.”

“I can't do that,” she told him, panic clawing at her throat at the very thought.

“Why not?”

“It's not right. You made room in your schedule.”

“Why do you think I'm more important than you are?”

Lily didn't know what to say. He had so neatly put his finger on the center of the matter that Lily had no reply.