Balance (The Neumarian Chronicles) (10 page)

Chapter Thirteen

I entered
the mess hall and froze. Except for my rapid breathing, nothing moved as memories of Ryder and hundreds of others, who clung to life back at the UE infirmary assaulted me. Only the sight of Dred striding ahead of me, with Raeth trotting beside him, got me moving. She needed me. But equally important, if I was to become the leader Father expected, I couldn’t allow my memories or this room of death to incapacitate me.

As I joined them, Raeth tapped a medic on the shoulder.
“Doctor Morrison’s suctioned Penton’s lungs. He inhaled s-some chemicals or f-fire retardant.”

The medic
pointed to an empty cot on the far side of the room as he touched an earpiece. “Penton’s arrived. Bed one-twenty-four. Morrison did initial treatment. Additional O2, plus Pyroandoxate and endo tubing.” He released the earpiece then glanced at us. “They’re on their way.” Without waiting for a response, the medic turned and moved on to the next patient.

Following them, I watched as Dred lay Penton on the cot then forced a grin, hoping it reached my eyes.
“You hear that, Raeth? Penton’s going to be okay.”

Raeth
glanced up from where she knelt beside Penton, brushing his hair off his face. “Th-thank you. I’m s-sorry I w-was hateful. You did what Penton wanted you to do.”

“
That may be, but it still hurts to see him suffering.”

The doctor
rushed to Penton’s side. He replaced the small oxygen canister with a large one then repeated Morrison’s actions with the scope and inserted a second tube. He glanced at Raeth gnawing her lower lip. “Don’t worry. It’s only temporary.”

She nodded. “Th-thank you for saving him.”

“My honor.” He attached a small glass vial filled with neon orange fluid to the second tube, held it upright as it emptied, then removed the tubing. “It’ll coat his lungs, forcing greater oxygen absorption and speed regeneration of tissue. He’ll be back in the lab in two days.”

I felt Father touch my mind, alerting me to his presence before he spoke.
Bendar’s headed to you in the mess hall. I’ve told him you’ve learned about his part in your mother’s death. He’s desperate to speak with you and terrified you won’t want him near you.

I’m not sure how I feel right now, but it’s impossible for me to hate him when he loved me and kept me sane.

I still wish I could be at your side.

So do
I, but I understand
.

As the words slipped from my mind to Father’s,
Penton’s eyes fluttered open. He thrashed and grabbed at the oxygen tube. Dred yanked Penton’s hands from it, restraining him, and secured Penton with his body weight, his nose almost touching Penton’s. “You’re okay, son. All okay. They gonna get you right.”

Penton’s eyes w
idened as he tried to talk.

The
medic tapped his earpiece. “Sedation and a nose cannula, bed one-twenty-four.”

From a nearby med cart, a volunteer raced to the bed and handed the medic a pre-filled syringe. Before the needle was withdrawn from his bicep, Penton’s
eyes rolled back in his head.

Exhaling, the medic glanced at Raeth.
“Don’t worry. Just need him sedated until the treatment is complete. He’s one of the lucky ones. Makes removal of this easier, too,” he said, pulling the oxygen tube free. Once it was disconnected from the machine, he attached a new one, then slipped it around Penton’s head and settled two prongs just inside his nose. “Being able to talk should help.”

A hand touched my arm and I jerked. “Me,”
Bendar said, his voice soft and wary.

I gave him a weak smile then turned to Raeth.
“Bendar and I need to talk. Will you be okay for a couple minutes, Raeth?” I hated leaving her there alone, but Bendar’s lips were pressed in a tight, thin line and the desperation in his eyes warned fear was driving him. If he spoke now, surrounded by all these people, there was no telling what kind of chaos it would cause. After all, it wasn’t just my mother who’d died.

Raeth continued strok
ing Penton’s face and nodded. Her focus on him, nothing else mattered.

I grabbed Bendar’s stubby hand and tugged.
“Let’s take a walk.”

“Would been here sooner. Recovery efforts at
UE make late.”

“Yes, I know.” I
towed him to an empty office off the main hall then shut and locked the door. Turning a chair upright, I sat as he hopped onto the desk, facing me, and clasped his hands in his lap.

“Not make sense,
I know. But I tell you truth. I not mean to betray. I search for cure. Be talker, talk right. I born this way. Queen say she have cure.”

I
tried to remain rigid and unfeeling. The man I’d worshiped, who’d saved me too many times to count, whom I’d loved more than my own father, now sat before me, as the destroyer of multiple lives.

“Mother nice. Loved her. Queen manipulate and trick
,” Bendar said, his words coming out in jumbled rush. “Told me Harrison plan attack lab. He had team ready. If I find and tell queen, she cure me. Didn’t know mother there. Queen say she send mother and baby away to save them. Harrison bad, he’d threatened humans. I saw news clips. Anger and promise to kill. Fabricated, but didn’t know at time. All confusing.” His voice cracked and he swiped his dripping nose with a stubby finger. “Didn’t know who queen was before that night.”

I wanted to say something,
to ask a question but couldn’t. I didn’t know how to respond to discovering my hero had feet of clay.

“Night
mother…that night learned truth. I told queen she wrong. She laugh. Now, I traitor to Harrison and all good people. Me always outcast, perfect minion for her.”

He stole a quick glance
at me and, unable to meet my gaze, immediately bowed his head. “Perfect spy for Neumarians.”

That
was why Father, through Fallon, had defended him to the council. Bendar was right. Once Mandesa had categorized him as a traitor, she figured so did everyone else, and Father, knowing her ego and vanity, used that flaw. Her inability to feel allowed Bendar to subvert her, while protecting me.

“Queen take you. I promise
Father I watch and care. Didn’t do good job. Queen have bad temper.”

My love
battled my confusion and pain, questions of his betrayal rising to the tip of my tongue. Wiping my sweaty palms on my pants, I struggled between the urge to hug him and strangle him. In the end, I was too tired to do either.

“Death, so much
unnecessary death,” I mumbled, staring at the floor. “I don’t know what to say, Bendar. Right now, I’m numb. Not just because of this, but also the suicide bombers, Penton’s injury, and Ryder’s gift not functioning have all sapped me dry. How many more will die, Bendar? Will Penton be next? Or Briggs? The orphans? How many more will betray us? Will Ryder’s gifts return? And if they don’t, what happens to the Triune?”

I wanted to take his hand and tell him I understood
. After all, my own decisions had caused misery as well. My best friend had lost her leg and almost her life. I’d sent her love into a potential death trap, believing it was hopeless, yet willing to take the chance Penton might yet save us all. Even so I wanted—no, needed their forgiveness.

Would forgiving Bendar be a
betrayal of my mother? How could I still love the man who had caused her death? Who had allowed Mandesa to butcher so many? I didn’t know.

“Let you think
,” he said, scooting to the edge of the desk. “Know I love you from you three days old and I hold you. Love mother, too. She gentle lady—smart, kind, loving. You much like her. That why queen hate you.”

I wanted to walk away
, to pretend I hadn’t learned the truth about my life. I wanted to return to the time when Bendar was still my savior. He’d seen me through my worst and best times.

“What feel?” Bendar asked. “Talk
—ask anything. I tell you truth.”

“I don’t know
how I feel,” I said, fighting the rising sob. I took a deep breath and stared unseeing at the broken plaster wall behind him. “You’ve taken care of me, protected me, and loved me. You raised me, but you also helped Mandesa find my mother. I’m…conflicted. I’m having trouble reconciling it.”

Bendar hopped
to the floor. “Understand. I know truth. Never betray you, father, Triune, or council. Die first,” he said, his voice quivering.

I wanted to
tell him I believed him, but between the lies and half-truths I’d been fed all my life by those in it, I hesitated.

“Go now,”
he choked out as he padded from the room.

The door clicked shut behind him and I sat there, unsure
what to do. Go to Raeth and give her comfort? Find Ryder, who obsessed over Briggs saving him and his debt to Laos? Or Bendar, who had raised me because he’d betrayed my family? Who did I belong with?

You belong with me.
Come, join me,
Father said in the gentlest voice I’d ever heard.

Part of me wanted to chastise him for
lurking in my mind, but I couldn’t. For the first time, I wanted my father’s arms around me, sheltering me, consoling me.
Ok.

I’m assisting with clean-up efforts near the command station.

On my way
.

Work, the perfect distraction. Maybe Father knew me better than I did myself. Honesty demanded I admit I’d always avoided my emotional turmoil through work. Focusing on something else, something greater than myself, allowed my mind to accept the truth and figure out what I wanted.

I pushed myself upright, squaring my shoulders, and strode from the office, heading for the command center. The trip was a repeat of getting to the weaponry. I crawled over downed support beams. I slid along walls, avoiding dangling live wires, and hoofed up stairs I worried would collapse beneath me.

Entering
the command center hall, I discovered it, like the rest of the Arc, was a disaster. The tactical hub and home built by free Neumarians—no, that my father had built, was a mass of rubble and broken equipment. Why I’d thought it would escape unscathed, I didn’t know, except Father had been here and he could accomplish anything.

Then
I spotted him, moving a large screen into a small room near the command center, and my heart broke. He looked exhausted, his commanding presence bent, deflated. No, worse than that. He seemed not just worn-out, but defeated by the betrayal of one of his officers.

A surge of adrenaline hit. Father needed me to console him, just as I needed him. Snagging
a halo tablet, I raced to join my father. As I entered the room, he lowered the screen onto a shelf, turned, and pulled me into his arms, kicking the door shut with his foot.

His strong embrace held me tight and his chest heaved. “I’m so sorry. I thought I could protect you now,” he mumbled into my hair. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.” He kissed my head
, his arms squeezing me to him tighter. His love and comfort filled me and I wrapped my arms around his waist.

Comforting, yet foreign. I thought I’d fulfilled my childhood longing for my father and his acceptance, but numbness began to creep in.

He released me and stepped back, eyeing me quizzically. “I thought we were better.”

“We are
. It’s just…I’m drained. The past week or two has emotionally overloaded me. I know you said this is war and there’s no room for emotion. And I get it, up here.” I knocked a fist against my head then pressed my palm over my heart. “But not here. There’s been so much loss, and if I want to survive having to decide if a loved one lives or dies, it means I’ve gotta turn off my feelings. You were right. It’s time for me to grow up.”