Bad Girls Good Women (27 page)

Fergus and Alan kissed her and congratulated her, but it was John’s approval she wanted. By a great effort of will she stopped herself from searching him out there and then, but when she saw him leaning against the bar in the pub afterwards, she couldn’t help herself. She pushed through the crowd to him and blurted out, ‘John? Did you see me? Was I all right?’

His grey eyes appraised her. ‘You were just that. All right.’

Mattie flushed. What more had she expected? She nodded, and went back to her place. But she had done it. She had made her professional debut, and she could live without praise if she had to.

Eight

The February rain fell like a thin, cold veil. Julia stepped outside reluctantly with a group of other homeward-bound typists who giggled and turned up their collars and skittered away towards the bus-stop. The gutters were grey, pock-marked lakes and the traffic ploughed through them to send plumes of water over the crowded pavement. The rain immediately pasted Julia’s fringe flat to her forehead and poked intrusively into her face. She had no umbrella and she turned sharply away from the streaming, dun-coloured mess of Oxford Street and began the walk home.

The little streets along her route were already taking on the closed-up, sullen air of winter nights. As she passed the corner greengrocer’s where she sometimes bought vegetables the green wooden shutters rolled down with a clatter. The shopkeeper ducked out to lock them and the rain made dark spots on the shoulder of his overalls. He rushed back into the shop without glancing at Julia. Her shoes were filling with water and she walked faster, trying to dodge the biggest puddles.

The shop on the next corner was still open, and in the steamy neon brightness inside she bought milk and bread and cheese, and felt her spirits lifting. She thought of reaching home and putting on dry clothes, making a pot of tea and taking a cup in to Jessie. Perhaps Felix would be home, and she would lean against the kitchen cupboard to watch him prepare a meal. Julia came out with her bag of shopping and saw that the off-licence opposite was just opening for the evening. It seemed to contradict the soaking, shrinking mood of the night so positively that she marched across and bought a bottle of red wine for Felix. She chose at random from the shelves and paid over her shillings cheerfully. She hurried the length of the last streets and into the square, humming to defy the cold and the rain.

She thought of Josh as she passed under the dripping trees, but all her longings were fixed on being warm and dry and the yearning slipped away again.

On the dingy stairs she met the last office-worker on the way out. She was an anxious-looking middle-aged woman, always the last to go. Julia brushed past her, nodding, and heard her locking doors on her way down.

The black door of the flat loomed on the lauding above her. With a grateful rush she took the last stairs two at a time and reached it, panting, raindrops rolling from her hair and coat and spattering unseen on the dusty floor.

Julia unlocked the door and pushed it open.

It was dark and quiet inside. Jessie didn’t usually sleep in the early evening. Julia wasn’t afraid of disturbing her.

She called out, ‘I’m home. Hello, I’m home.’

Jessie’s room was in darkness, and the street light from the square seeped into a dull, orange glow on the cracked ceiling. As she turned in the doorway Julia heard water running. Jessie was in the bathroom. A line of light showed under the door. Julia went into the kitchen and unpacked her shopping, then crossed to her own room and stripped off her wet clothes. She turned on the electric fire and warmed her feet, then leaned forward to rub her hair dry. It steamed as she combed her fingers through it, and the brittle heat from the red bar made her cheeks smart. When she was warm all through Julia pulled on slacks and a jumper, and stuck her feet into her slippers.

The flat was still quiet except for the sound of running water.

She had almost reached the kitchen when it struck her that it had been running for a long time.

If Jessie was taking a bath, it would be full by now. Julia turned back and put her hand out to the bathroom door. She felt the grainy wood of the panels under her fingertips. The bathwater was running, but it had a peculiar double resonance. It took Julia a second to realise that it was splashing, too. Spilling over the side of something.

‘Jessie?’

The water noise seemed to have grown louder. It drowned her voice.

‘Jessie, are you all right?’

Julia thumped on the door. There was no answer, except the water.

‘Jessie.’

Julia went on shouting, but her shoulder was already against the door. Inside her head she could see the other side of it. The door was white-painted, Felix must have done that. There was a little chrome-plated bolt screwed to it. Only four tiny screws holding it in place. Nothing substantial. The door creaked under her weight, protesting, but the lock didn’t give. Why had Jessie locked it, alone in the flat? Julia rattled the knob, turning it to and fro. Then she looked down. She saw the dark finger run out beneath the door, then spread into a fist-shape. The water was reaching out to her. The sight of it gave her terrified strength. She leaned away from the door and then flung all her weight against it. There was a shudder as the screws were torn out of the wooden frame and the door collapsed inwards. Julia fell into the bathroom where the water was running from the taps, spilling over the side of the bath and washing over the floor.

Jessie was in the bath. Julia saw mountainous, veined flesh and floating sparse grey hair. Her face was grey and purple, and it was under the moving skin of water. The noise of the water was deafening, like a terrible waterfall, thundering in the wet white space.

Julia had stumbled backwards, a single step. Her eyes had clenched themselves shut and her knuckles were crammed against her teeth, stifling a scream. It was no more than a second before she opened her eyes again and Jessie was still lying there, under the water, her hair moving tranquilly around her head like seaweed fronds.

Julia began to move at last through the waves of shock. She stooped to the taps and turned them off. Water still slopped over the side of the bath, soaking her legs. She plunged her arms into the bath, locking her hands behind Jessie’s shoulders, straining to lift her up. Julia grunted and her feet slid on the slippery floor. She could hear herself whispering, ‘Come on, Jessie. Sit up, Jessie. Sit up, please, won’t you?’

The huge weight shifted a little with her efforts and the bath plug on its chain was wrenched out of the plughole. The water gurgled and drained quickly away, and Jessie was left supported in Julia’s arms. Julia heaved at her, imagining that she would lift her out of the bath and lay her on the floor so that she could tend to her. But Jessie’s wet skin only sucked against hers, and the weight of her didn’t move again.

Gasping and sobbing with fear and panic and exertion, Julia let her fall backwards again against the slope of the bath. Jessie’s face turned upwards with tendrils of hair stuck to her cheeks. Her mouth hung open a little, like a yawn.

Without looking into the eyes Julia understood that she was dead.

She knelt down helplessly in the wet and groped for Jessie’s hand. Her skin already felt cold, and Julia’s tears that ran down her face and on to Jessie’s seemed hot enough to burn.

‘Oh, Jessie. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’

She knelt there, holding the cold hand and crying.

After what seemed like a long time, Julia replaced Jessie’s hand by her side and stood up stiffly.

‘I’ll have to go for some help,’ she whispered.

She turned then, and ran. The movement thawed her and made her heart thump in her chest and she cursed her own slowness, even though she was dully certain that Jessie was dead and nothing or no one could help her however fast she ran.

The floors of offices were silent, and their telephones were securely locked behind unyielding doors. Julia ran out into the rain again, her sodden clothes flapping as she ran. There were people in the square but she ran past them unseeing. She reached the scarlet rectangle of the telephone kiosk on the corner, and listened to the quiet burr of the dialling tone.

When she had given the details and she knew that the ambulance was coming, she let her head fall sideways and rest against the streaming glass. There was a pain in her chest and her breath was ragged and her legs felt as if they would dissolve beneath her.

So much running and shouting and struggling, and yet Jessie was dead. As the first dim understanding of finality touched her, Julia thought of Felix. She didn’t want him to come in and find his mother lying like that in the bath, in all her huge and painful vulnerability. Julia was running again, back across the square and up the dark, gaping flights of empty stairs. There was no one there, still, except Jessie.

Julia gathered up towels and brought them in a heap to the side of the bath. She folded one and put it behind the wet, heavy head like a pillow. She draped the others over Jessie’s body, tucking them in like a mother with a child. The tears ran down her face but she went on working without stopping to wipe them away.

Jessie’s face wasn’t like Jessie now, but Julia left it uncovered. She couldn’t hide her as though she wasn’t a part of the world any longer.

When the job was done Julia sat down to wait. She was wet to the skin and shivering, but she felt that she couldn’t leave Jessie alone, not now. She thought about the boy with a bunch of marigolds who had come looking for Jessie on a hot summer’s afternoon.

At last the doorbell rang. She stood up stiffly and went to open the door to help that was much too late. The men came up the stairs in their uniforms and Julia showed them where Jessie was lying. They bent over her and Julia turned away. She went and stood in the kitchen, still in her wet clothes, looking out at Felix’s earthenware flowerpots in the angle of the roof. He would be home soon. Julia closed her eyes and clenched her fists, thinking about him, and then she heard his light, quick footsteps on the stairs.

She met him at the door, and saw his face. ‘The ambulance?’ he asked.

Julia put out her hands and he gripped her arms, frowning at the clammy coldness of her sleeves.

‘It’s Jessie,’ she said. He was already looking past her, into the darkness of Jessie’s room. ‘Felix. She’s dead.’

There was nothing to soften that. No time for it, no words that could change anything. Julia wanted to put her arms round him, to comfort him somehow from her own meagre stock of comfort, but he put her gently aside.

The ambulance men stood awkwardly in the bathroom doorway. Felix walked past them, going in to his mother, and shut the door behind him.

Jessie had died of a heart attack in the bath. Her weight and the bottles of vodka she had come to depend on had contributed to it, of course. The doctor explained carefully to Julia and Felix when he came to sign the death certificate. They listened, without looking at each other.

Felix made the funeral arrangements. Jessie had left no instructions but she had once said to Felix, only half joking, ‘Make sure there’s a party when I go. All the old faces, if there are any left by then.’

They buried Jessie in a bleak, windswept north London cemetery. A little group of people, Mr Mogridge and a handful of others like him, came to the funeral. Mr French, the property developer, turned up and watched Felix covertly across the heap of raw earth. Felix’s face was as expressionless as if it was carved out of wood. Mattie arrived just before the brief ceremony began. John Douglas had given her one day off.

‘Do your friends and relatives die regularly?’ he had asked her.

‘I’m not asking for sympathy because Jessie’s dead,’ Mattie said quietly. It occurred to her at that moment that she was making a mistake in wanting, or needing, to love John Douglas. ‘I’m just telling you that I’m going to her funeral, whether you say I can or not.’

He had looked ashamed, just for a moment. ‘We need you here, that’s all,’ he mumbled. Mattie stood at the graveside, the black fur of her coat collar blowing around her face, holding Julia’s hand tightly.

‘I’m sorry I wasn’t here,’ she whispered.

‘What could you have done?’

‘Is Felix all right?’

They didn’t look at him.

‘I don’t know.’

The vicar arrived at the graveside, the wind whipping his surplice. The little knot of people bent their heads.

Afterwards they went back to the square, leaving the mound of earth in the graveyard fluttering with wet flower petals. More people came to the flat to remember Jessie. Felix had made some food and bought whisky, and Julia laid out plates and glasses in Jessie’s room. The photographs and mementoes crowding the walls already looked faded, as though they belonged to a sad past, although Julia had tidied and polished them.

It was a subdued gathering. They missed Jessie’s talk, and her lewd laugh. Too many of them were remembering the other party, the unexpected, joyous one that Mattie and Julia had given for her. Jessie had sung the old favourites, and ‘Ma, He’s Making Eyes at Me’. No one tried to sing tonight, even though Freddie Bishop was sitting in the corner with his mouth-organ in the pocket of his black coat.

It was very early when people began to leave, in twos and threes, gravely shaking Felix’s hand at the door.

At last it was time for Mattie to go and catch the last train north. She hugged them both, wordlessly, and they let her go.

Alone in the flat, Felix and Julia went round picking up empty glasses and clearing dirty plates. They moved past each other considerately, in almost complete silence, as they had been doing ever since Jessie died. It was as if they didn’t know what to say to each other now, and were afraid that if they said anything it might hurt in some way.

Felix picked up an empty whisky bottle. He stared blindly at the label, and then he groaned and hurled it against the wall. It smashed and glass scattered amongst Jessie’s possessions.

Julia reached out to him, but he evaded her.

‘I couldn’t even give her the goodbye party she wanted.’